Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related….blah blah blah blah blah
readers fall asleep
In short words: NOT MINE.
A big thank you to islington bus no. 199, the bata of this fic. You are amazing!
Here is the requested parody for HP! MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!
Shaitanah, this fic is for you! Lots of wishes!
Killing POTTER.NC without Avada Kedavra
Potter: I… was a wonder boy.
I grew up to become the perfectly rebellious teenager that everyone couldn't decide whether they hated or loved…
I received many blows on my way to the top…
Killing curses, torturing curses, badges on the brow….
I… did survive.
Besides, that was just Ron envying my super cool abilities and fancy mark.
But we're best pals now. I took him to a body painter and he got over it.
I digress.
I was a superboy…
My greatest attributes were secrecy and effectiveness…
Except for when I started yelling at the most inconvenient moments. But that is COMPLETELY irrelevant since I was practicing Banshee singing.
Now I have the most expensive broomsticks and beautiful women… (Hey, she doesn't even wear her radish earrings anymore! (beam))
Now I fight against crime…
I fight again darkness…
I fight against vice…
My name is Bon- uuuh…Potter.
Harry Potter.
Voldemort: And I'm Moaning Myrtle! Nice to meet you, handsome…
Potter:What the purple flying Dudley?!?!
Voldemort: We've met before, remember? When I was watching you strip for me… (suggestive multiple eyebrow lift)
Potter: Voldemort?
Voldemort: I thought we said that already, honey. Moaning Myrtle, nice to meet you. (eyelash flutter)
Potter: There is NO WAY you survived! I mean, I locked you in a room with a Paris Hilton CD at max volume!
Voldemort: I woke up a few days ago, I don't know what happened. I remember horrible screeching sounds and then pooof! I woke up! And guess what? My favorite goldfish, Dumbledore, was nearly out of water! But I gave a nice cry and he's happy and swimming now!
Potter: You named your goldfish Dumbledore? (wheels running) Owww, you must think you're Moaning Myrtle, your first victim! That must be it!
Voldemort: So, I'm not Myrtle? B- but I remember you undressing, your well toned muscles-
Fangirls: SIGH!
Voldemort: your fabulous back-
Fangirls: SIIIIIGH! (faint)
Voldemort: your tiny-
Fangirls: Ewwww!
Ron: Hey, what's going on, here?
Fangirls: (nothing happens for a few moments) …HUUUUURAAH!!
Ron:
Ron:
Ron:
Author: (looking around) Where the hell is Ron?
Fangirl #1: I GOT HIM!
Fangirl #2: I GOT HIM TOO!
Fangirl #1: That's his leg you're holding…
Fangirl #2: Oh yeah. And you're holding his arm… Uuuum, have you seen his bottom anywhere?
Potter: Poor Ron… Another war victim! (loud sobs)
Voldemort: See the bright side. They left you alone.
Potter: Oh, you're right! Hell, let Hermione wipe for him… My extra smart, beautiful-although-ugly, friend. She will be brave. She's a warrior who fought against the forces of dark magic... (Braveheart soundtrack)
Hermione: (flour on nose, meatball at hand) Roooooonie….. Roooonie, darling where are you? Aaaah… there you are, I can see your f- RON! NOOOOOOO!!
Potter: Lucky my shoes are waterproof.
Ron Jr., Ronnie , Harry Jr., Arthur Jr., Mollie Jr., Fred and George Jr., Ronnilo, Ronnieronnieboo , Hermi , Hermiepie: Daaaaaaaaaaaad!
Potter: Where did these come from??
Hermione: (Between sobs) Ask the fanfiction writers… Sniff, sniff. Victor will be sooo disappointed… He wanted to do it himself. We even had the hairdryer hanging from a rope above the bathroom… sniff sob sob.
Potter: Oooookay. (backs away, falls on Voldemort.)
Voldemort: Puuuuuuuuurrrrrrr…..
Potter: Stop snuggling me!
Voldemort: Will you marry me? I'll do the laundry, I promise!
Potter: No!
Voldemort: What did you say?
Potter: NO! Not now, not tomorrow, not in a million years, not when Lost will be complete!
Voldemort squeezes Potter on the floor like a cockroach.
Voldemort: evil voice WRONG ANSWER!
J.K Rowling: Hmmm… Nice idea for a novel: "Pride and Potterjuice"… (takes off running)
Voldemort: NOBODY says NO to MOANING MYRTLE and lives!
Hermione: Uuuum… you know, actually you're Lord Voldemort…
Voldemort: Nice nail polish, honey. FUCKING STUPID MUDBLOOD BITCH!!
Hermione: See?
Voldemort: No, that was my Tourette's syndrome, sweetheart.
Hermione: Gosh, and here I thought Ozzy was crazy… Anyway, gotta go, Victor is waiting. Do whatever you want with the munchkins.
Voldemort: Your children?
Hermione: Yeah… those. Whatever.
Voldemort is left alone. He stands there, not sure exactly what to do until a mirror appears.
Mirror: I'm the mirror of truth… Come to me and I'll show you your true self… That's why that politician, whose name started with a 'B', I don't remember his name now, made a new running record. I showed him Pamela Anderson when she wakes up in the morning.
Voldemort: Ouch, that must have hurt…
Voldemort makes slow steps towards the mirror. He looks at his reflection.
Silence
Silence
Silence
Sileeeeeeence
Sileeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeence
Then
Voldemort: BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MUWHAHAHAHAHAHA! MUWHAHAHAHAHAHA! BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MUUUUUUUUWWHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I AM LORD VOLDEMORT AND HARRY POTTER IS DEAD! NEIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH! NEIIIIIIIIGH! NEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH!
Big, black, bad horse from Lost: sulking That last one was MY line.
BOOM! FLASH! BOOOOM!
Ex big, black, bad horse from Lost: MUUUUUUUUUUUW….
Voldemort: (evil grin) Okay, who's in for some Potter-head soccer?
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So, did you laugh?!? Tell me!
And MERRY CHRISTMAS! Again.