I had the most disturbing dream/nightmare and when I woke up all I wanted was to cut, but I've been able to go three weeks without it so I decided to try this before I went back to cutting. The whole Emily with a gun thing got me thinking. As much as I don't believe she'd ever turn it on herself, she looked at it very longingly and this was kind of born from that so TRIGGER WARNING. It's gonna mention passive thoughts of suicide.
Emily had just gotten home and judging by the empty spot in the driveway she guessed that her mother was still out running errands. She felt a small amount of guilt as she climbed out of her car. She had promised her mother that she wouldn't go to the gun range alone and she had promised her that she would never go as a substitute for actually talking about her feelings. Pam knew that there were no answers to be found at the business end of a gun, but trying to get Emily to believe that was proving to be more difficult than she had expected. Emily tucked the gun case under her arm as she searched her pocket for her house keys and just as she fished them out, she noticed a car pull up in front of her house. She knew it was Ashley Marin's car, but she secretly hoped it was just Hanna driving her mom's car. That hope was quickly extinguished when she saw her best friend's mother get out of the driver's seat. Emily tried to hide her current emotions and put on a pleasant demeanor as the older woman approached her.
"Hi Mrs. Marin. My mom's actually still out running errands, was there something I could help you with." Ashley wasn't stupid and she also wasn't buying the smile that Emily was clearly forcing to spread across her face.
"Your mom told me she had some stuff that I could collect for the rummage sale down at the community center and she told me that you would be home to let me in and pick them up. I hope I didn't disrupt your afternoon, she seemed pretty sure you would be home." Emily's smile got harder to keep up, but she did it.
"I just had to run out for a few minutes, but I just got back a few minutes ago. If you want to come inside I'll go grab whatever mom set aside for you." Emily opened the door to her home and allowed Ashley to walk in first, before she quickly followed. Ashley noticed how fast Emily turned around and locked the front door, the deadbolt and the chain lock. She offered a sad smile to Emily, understanding that Hanna wasn't the only girl who suffered when they had been abducted. Emily tried to dismiss the look of concern and quickly headed toward the stairs.
"Mom probably left your stuff upstairs. I'll go grab it for you. Help yourself to whatever is in the fridge." Emily all but ran up the stairs and quickly did the same to the stairs that led to the attic. She saw the boxes that her mom has set aside for Ashley to take and Emily ignored them and went straight to the gun vault. She punched in the new code that her mother was so sure she would never guess and the metal door hissed as it popped open. Emily carefully took the handgun out of the case and was about to take the magazine out…but she got distracted. The familiar weight of the gun in her hand made her feel safer and no amount of therapy was going to replace that feeling. She didn't realize how long she had been standing there, just holding the gun in her hand, until she felt Ashley Marin wrap her hands around her own.
"Emily. Give me the gun." Emily kept her eyes on the gun and could feel tears rush to the corners of her eyes, but she refused to relinquish her grip on the firearm.
"Emily. Listen to me. I need you to let go of the gun and let me take it." Emily was frozen and Ashley took the opportunity to take the gun totally away from the teen. With the comforting weight of the gun in her hand gone, Emily wrapped her father's army jacket around her tighter and she sank to the floor. She watched through tear blurred eyes as Ashley Marin removed the magazine from the gun and then placed it back in it's designated spot in the safe before she shut the vault door and locked it. Soon after Emily could feel the older woman join her on the floor. Emily didn't mean to jump when Ashley touched her shoulder, but the reflex had been causing her to jump around almost everyone lately. Ashley held her hands up in defense, trying to show Emily that it was just the two of them and they weren't somewhere dangerous.
"It's just me Emily. I'm not going to hurt you." Emily looked away and Ashley could only let the silence linger for so long.
"Your mom told me she had changed the code on that safe. Want to tell me how you managed to open not two days after I had that conversation with her?" Emily avoided eye contact, but in a bitter tone she answered.
"My mother should also tell you that she sucks at picking codes no one will guess. First one was dad's choosing: not surprising it was his Army ID number. Mom picked this one and she can't remember her iTunes password so I knew it would be easy. It was the house number from the first base we lived in. Maybe next time she'll just change it to my birthday and save me the trouble." All the fear and anger that Emily had been taking to the gun range was coming out now and Ashley Marin was the fate appointed person that was going to have to deal with it.
"This I just a guess Emily, but when your mom finds out about this, I'm pretty sure she have your dad take the safe out of here for a while. At least until he gets home."
"I know how to use a gun properly, I'm not an infant."
"If you knew how to use a gun properly we wouldn't be sitting here and I wouldn't have had to take it away from you. Emily, a gun isn't going to make what happened to you girls hurt any less."
"But it will keep it from happening again. Can't kidnap me, or almost kill me or assault me if I have a fucking gun."
"Emily, you aren't even old enough to carry a concealed weapon."
"I never said anything about leaving the house."
"Emily…"
"Look. Mrs. Marin, I appreciate that you are worried, but I'm fine. I got my feelings out and we can all move on with our day."
Ashley paused and tried to phrase her question carefully.
"Emily, if you are fine then why did I come up here to find you staring at the gun like you wanted something more from it?" Emily tried to pull away from her friend's mother and ignore the question.
"I already went to the range, what else would I want the gun for?"
"I don't know Emily, you tell me."
"I was just putting the damn thing back in its place. Nothing else was going to happen with that gun today."
"Mhmm, today. But what about the other days you've taken it to the range when the other girls went to see the therapist? What was going to happen on those days? What happens when those feelings come up again?" Emily turned around and looked Ashley in the eye, "you think I'm going to eat my dad's gun." Ashley said nothing in response, mostly because she didn't need to. Emily's outburst and how she spoke told her what she needed to know.
"Do you have any idea how much of a mess that would make?" Ashley shook her head.
"No I don't and it scares me a little bit that you have thought about this enough to think of the mess you'd leave behind." Emily realized then, that in her anger and frustration she might have said too much.
"You should really leave Mrs. Marin, I'm sure Hanna will be home soon, I don't want to keep you." Emily tried to stand up, but Ashley wouldn't allow it and she wrapped her arms around the teenager and just waited.
"Hanna has Caleb with her, she isn't alone and right now you need to not be alone either."
"Let me go." Ashley held on tighter and didn't even question if she should be restraining someone who had been taken prisoner by a maniac a few weeks prior.
"Emily, I'm sorry, but I can't. I'm not going to risk losing you just because you are mad and scared."
"I wouldn't be scared if you would just give me my fucking gun back." Emily tried again to push Ashley away and again she failed. After struggling like that for roughly 15 minutes, Emily had reached the end of her rope and she finally broke down.
"I don't want to do this anymore. I'm so tired of all this bullshit. I just want to be safe somewhere, but I'm not. Someone's always out to get us and they always manage to hurt us and…I'm just done." Ashley felt Emily fall against her chest and this time the girl didn't push Ashley away, but instead was trying very hard to keep the woman close.
"Emily, a gun might protect you, but there is no guarantee of that. And nothing would get any better for any of you if you turned the gun on yourself. The girls would be devastated and you would leave so much more than a mess behind." Ashley finally got a clear look at Emily and underneath all the make up was the face of a child who hadn't slept more than a few hours for the last few weeks and the exhaustion made this conversation all the more important to have.
"I'm tired." Ashley nodded and held Emily closer to her, letting her rest and shut her eyes while Ashley kept them both snuggled together.
"I know you are honey. I'm right here. Nothing is gonna happen. So shut your eyes and try and rest ok. I'm not going anywhere." Ashley had to keep talking or Emily would wake up and believe that she was alone. So Ashley Marin talked about absolutely everything, down to her shopping list, waiting for Pam to come home. When the older Fields woman came home it took her a few minutes to figure out where Emily and Ashley were. Pam was surprised to see Ashley still at her house, but she grew concerned when she saw Ashley on the floor holding a sleeping Emily like she had done herself when the girl was an infant. Ashley kept talking in a docile tone to keep Emily asleep, but she pushed her phone toward Pam who picked it up off the floor and looked at the contact that Ashley had pulled up. It was the girls' therapist and even though Pam didn't know exactly what had gone on that afternoon, she knew that this time, there was no escaping the fact that Emily needed more help than she originally let on.
Maybe this was a crappy story because I wrote it at 1 in the morning, but I liked getting it out. I also love Ashley and Emily having a special bond. Anyway, thanks for reading.