AN: This little plot bunny randomly hopped into my head while at work today. I'm sorry that I haven't updated any of my other stories. I WILL come back someday... just right now, I am utterly stumped. Please forgive any typing errors, I didn't really take the time to fully edit this one. Enjoy, please leave me your thoughts, and have a good day!
Disclaimer: I only daydream of owning such great characters, I do not own any.
I am a murderer.
Most people didn't know this underlying truth about me. All they ever wanted to see was the bright and cheery persona I would hide behind. To them, I was just another seventh year student from the house of Gryffindor. Okay, so I happened to be the Head Girl of Hogwarts, but it was just another rouse to hide the cold and brutal truth.
It had happened over the summer before seventh year. My fall from grace took the only people that loved me from this world. And I, Lily Elizabeth Evans, was their murderer.
I found myself at my first week of my final year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and I knew I was simply going to drown in the guilt. It was a wonder that only my professors knew, and that my fellow schoolmates had yet to notice the cloud of darkness that had eaten away at my usually dazzling outlook on life. Boy, would I find out how wrong I was.
It was only the second week of classes. So far the only solace I had found while being at school was the fact that, as Head Girl, I had access to a separate dorm and common room away from the other Gryffindors. I barely even minded that I had to share the Head's Dorm with the Head Boy – that insufferable git, James Potter. When we didn't have classes or Heads' duties, I hid myself in my room. If my friends asked me where I was, I told them I had been working on homework. I always did all of my homework as soon as it was assigned anyway. The professors continued to commend me on my "recovery" and great spirit, but only I knew the real truth. I knew I was losing the strength, both physically and mentally, to keep up the "Lily Farce" of sunshine and perfection.
Why?
I had learned that even a murderer could feel guilt.
I walked into the Heads' Common room to grab a text book off one of the many bookshelves and stumbled to find myself face to face with Sirius Black. He looked up from a piece of parchment and hastily made to hide it while he gazed at me warily.
"Hey there, Lily-ba-nily." He grinned as he stuffed the odd parchment into his robes' pocket and patted the couch seat next to him.
"No thanks Sir-," but before I could finish my protest, the boy cut me off.
"C'mon, Lily, you and I both know you've already finished your homework for at least the next two weeks. I'm sure you could spare a few minutes for your pal, Sirius." I sighed and couldn't help but roll my eyes nervously.
During our sixth year, Sirius and I had grown pretty closely as friends. It really was surprising, since he was best friends with James Potter, but Sirius had proven to be the "better man". We had been assigned as partners in Potions and after one had exploded right in our faces, he had left in a flurry. After class, I had found a forlorn and gloomy Sirius sitting up in the owlery. It had been then that he had trusted me with the unfortunate story involving his Death-Eater family and his disownment.
I had understood, to an extent, and told him about my ass of a sister, Petunia. We had had a good laugh over our silly little plots involving "unfortunate" misgivings to our relatives and putting an end to their dealings with us "freaks".
And then he had charmed my wrist-watch to screech "Miss Mary Black", that annoying children's rhyme, and I knew I had helped him. Of course, Sirius was then forced to deal with a quill that yodeled (oh, you should have seen his face!) until he figured out how to remove the charm. We laughed about that too. And over the summer, we agreed to owl each other silly pranks and jokes to help pass the time. But mine had stopped coming on August 25th.
I didn't want him to know that I was just another murderer, too jaded for even the likes of Lord Voldemort.
"Lily Evans, why do I get the feeling you've been avoiding me?" he asked as he placed an arm over my shoulders. I felt myself tensing and my brain struggled to grasp some sort of excuse. I tried to speak but all that came out was a pitiful squeak.
"James, that dear boy, is worried sick about you." Sirius cut me off yet again. His expression was sincere and I knew he was not playing with me. I tried to grin and look away as his eyes searched mine; I tried to force my usual cheerfulness into my voice, but I froze just for an instant too long.
"Sirius, stop trying to be so serious, your face will freeze like that." I quipped lightly, and pulled away, rambling about some make-believe research I had to work on. I was so lost in my panic to get away that I grabbed the first book I saw from the bookshelf. Later, I would find The Official Guide to Becoming an Animagus instead of Hogwarts: A History. And I was so lost in trying to hide my guilt-ridden sorrow that I never noticed Sirius' gape at me and his paling at the sight of the book in my hands.
"Prongs!" Sirius called frantically and as softly as he could. He found his best mate sitting with their fellow companion, Remus Lupin, in the Great Hall.
"Padfoot, are you ill? You completely ignored the food right in front of your face." Remus Lupin joked before he looked up and caught the dangerous glint in Sirius' eyes.
"Shut it, Moony." He muttered, causing James to look up from his plate of food.
"What is it, mate?" James asked, concerned.
"I think we may have been found out." James and Remus glanced at each other as his meaning slipped over them.
"Who?" Remus whispered, expecting the worse.
"The Head Girl." And so Sirius told them about the failed potion, their letters over the summer, how they had stopped right after the full moon, how Lily had avoided even him, and about her choice in reading materials. As the fourth member of their trouble-making group, Peter Pettigrew, joined them at the table, the boys discussed their options.
And yet, something just didn't sit right with James Potter.
I stared at the book in my hand and wanted to let the dam of tears break free. How ironic was it that I had picked up the book on anigmi? The irony lay in the fact that I had known a dangerous secret since fourth year. No one save Professor Dumbledore knew that I knew about Remus Lupin, and no one knew that I had seen a large dog quite like the grim, a majestic stag and a cunning rat run after him during one such transformation.
I guess I had kept the secret safe because I was envious. I had always wanted friends that would risk so much just helping me get by. Sure, I had friends, but nothing like the ones Remus Lupin had. Yes, even that cocky twit Potter was something else. And what was I? Well, I was a murderer. I had sent the only ones that would have done anything for me, just like Potter, Pettigrew and Black, to their deaths. The truth was, I had killed my family.
I yawned instead of giving into tears. Sleep was something I tried to avoid as I could nowadays. Bad things happen when you sleep, and the nightmares afterwards are just as bad. The nightmares were another reason why I was glad to have my own room. People wouldn't hear the things that haunted me.
I flipped through the worn book, but the words evaded me. I knew being around a werewolf was dangerous, even in animagus form, but the thought provoked me. If I were to learn of such transfigurations, I wondered what my form would be. The thought was fleeting though, for I knew that by getting close to the Marauders I would bring danger, for it was the tainted blood in my veins that would bring them to their deaths. It had been my innocent naivety that had brought my family to theirs.
I felt a shudder escape me and jumped when I heard the portrait door slam shut out in the common room. From the voices, I knew the Marauders were back from dinner. I had chosen to skip yet another meal.
"Evans." Potter called out to me, beckoning me to come out of my room. I sat still and pretended that I wasn't in the room. There was a firm knock on my door and I felt my shoulders slump. Sluggishly and begrudgingly I plodded to the door and yanked it open. All four Marauders stared back at me.
"Can I help you?" I said, trying to force irritation into my voice. Honestly, a part of me wanted to welcome the company and distraction from my own guilt. Before I knew what was happening though, I was being forced back into the room. James Potter pushed me into the room while Sirius slammed the door, performed a rather complex series of locking charms, and Remus placed a Silencer on the room. I felt fear wash over me. Had they learned the awful truth? Did they know I had murdered my family? What were these gits up to? Peter Pettigrew frowned at me while James violently motioned for me to sit on the bed.
"What the bloody HELL do you think you're all doing?! This is against school rules to force the HEAD GIRL into -" Before I could say anything more, Sirius was beside me, hugging me. I was so shocked, my jaw hung slack in surprise.
"Lily-kins. You trust me, don't you? Please tell me you trust me." There was a pleading in Sirius' voice that I had never heard before. I gulped and nodded, diverting my gaze to the floor.
"You'd come to me if you ever had any questions or heard any rumors or if anything was bothering you, wouldn't you?" I heard James mutter something and shot him a scared glance, shivers going up my spine. Why weren't the Marauders telling me that they were turning me in? How could Sirius ask me if I'd trust him with something like THIS? How do you tell your friend that you are in no way the perfect girl they all thought you were? I felt the breath being sucked out of my lungs and knew the "Lily Farce" was crumbling.
"Sirius..." I whispered before James cut me off.
"Look, Evans, we know the truth." His eyes penetrated my very soul then, searching for the answer to what, I do not know. I tensed, biting my lip hard. James Potter was looking at me as if I had betrayed him. Suddenly, I had to get out of there. I jumped up and ran as fast and as far as I could, not paying a single iota to my surroundings. James Potter knew I was a murderer.
"Damn it, Prongs, why did you scare her?!" Sirius shouted, trying to run after her. James stopped him before he could leave the room though.
"Padfoot, I'm sorry, I didn't think she was actually afraid of us." As James said this, both boys noticed their mate sitting on the edge of Lily's bed, shoulders sagging in dejection.
"She's afraid of me." Remus whispered. Peter perched next to him and looked back at James and Sirius in consternation.
"What are we going to do? Now that Prongs has her running scared, she's bound to tell everyone about Moony." Peter gulped.
"Give me the map. I'll find her." Sirius said angrily, sticking his hand out to James.
"No Paddy, I think I'd better fix this one." James said, tilting his head to the side before walking out, nose stuck in the Marauder's Map. No, something certainly wasn't sitting right with James Potter.
I sat against the cold stone wall and tried to catch my breath. The weight of unshed tears forced me to close my eyes, head pressed back against the wall. I couldn't think. All I knew was that at any moment now, the students would lead the professors into the corridor where I was hiding and would declare that I be expelled and sent to Azkaban. The fear trickled deeper into my reserve and finally I let the memories come crushing down as my body wracked in sobs.
I remembered August 25th. I remembered coming home from the local library, books in hand, to find total destruction. The eerie twilight of the setting sun had cloaked shadows against the Death Eaters holding my parents hostage in the shell of our house, wands drawn at the ready. The evil laughter would come to haunt my nightmares. Lord Voldemort had aparated into the destroyed home and leered at me.
"Hello, little mudblood." He had said as he uttered the Crucio at my father. I had screamed and tried to reach for my wand, but was immobilized. Struggling had proven fruitless.
"You have potential, even if your blood is dirty." Voldemort had sneered, slithering his way to me. His cold, bony fingers traced my cheek gently before a nail sliced the deilcate skin.
"Join my ranks of Death Eaters and I may save your family." Even before I had realized the consequences of my decision, I had screamed no in horror. Before I could take back my rejection, both of my parents had been engulfed in a violent green light.
My nightmares normally ended there, for I could not recall how I ended up alive. I remember the face of Alastor Moody as he carried me into St. Mungos, and I remember the Aurors fluttering back and forth, asking questions and ignoring the shouts of angry Healers. I remember Petunia visiting me just to scream that I was a murderer, and I remember Professor Dumbledore bringing me to Hogwarts early.
I felt myself sag against the cold floor and rested my tear stained cheek in the dust. When the sound of footsteps could be heard, I sighed and stared in front of me, hoping that the professors would see I wasn't going to put up a fight.
I, Lily Elizabeth Evans, had no more to fight for. I was alone.
"Lily?" The whisper itched at the tangles in my mind, but I tried to push it away. It was familiar, and warm, but all I wanted was to finally give in and surrender. The footsteps were finally closer and a pair of feet came into my vision.
"I give in. I won't fight. I will go quietly." I whispered. There was silence and then someone was down by my side, grabbing onto my shoulders.
"Oh my God, Lily, what happened?" James Potter growled in my ear as his warm hands searched my body for whatever it was he was looking for. My clouded mind wondered if he was trynig to disarm me, but I lay limply in his arms. I would not struggle. I didn't even have my wand. Either James Potter, git that he was, was going to kill me or be the one to drag me off to Azkaban. The irony tickled at my senses, but I pushed that away as well.
"Lily, can you answer me? Oh God Lils who hurt you?" James pleaded, trying to look into my eyes. I was confused by now. What did he mean, who hurt me? Why would it matter? I let my eyes meet his and the confusion leaked away as the fear in his eyes pierced through mine.
"Can you sit up? I promise I won't hurt you Lily, oh God. Please tell me who did this to you." James pleaded, hugging me to him. I moved my mouth, struggling to get anything out from my vocal cords.
"Why would you help a murderer?" I couldn't help the coldness in my voice. James pulled back as if I had slapped him.
"What the Hell are you talking about?" He stared at me in shock and disbelief.
"Don't play games Potter. Either finish me or take me to the Aurors." He frowned deeply in confusion.
"Why would I "finish" you Lily? And why do we need Aurors? Are you really that afraid of me?" The hurt crept into his voice and he looked forlorn.
"I'm not afraid of you. You should be afraid to be near me. I murdered my family." The sobs came again and I cried, pressed against James Potter, as we knelt on a dusty, cold floor.
"How could you murder anyone?" I laughed bitterly and tried to take a deep breath.
"I refused Voldemort and he killed them. I wish he had killed me too." At this, James gripped onto me tightly.
"Lily, you can't think that! I am so thankful that he didn't have his way with you too! Oh Lily, poor Lily, I wish I could have stopped him." I looked up in shock as tears fell from James Potter's eyes. James Potter was crying. Oh, the world was surely at an end.
"Lily, you are not a murderer. If anything, you are a survivor of an awful tragedy. Oh Lils, why didn't you tell anyone? How could you keep something like this from all of your friends, from me?" James rambled, rocking us both back and forth.
"I didn't want to be a murderer, James. I didn't want to be alone. I still don't." I held on tightly, trying to grasp the concept of being a survivor.
"You are not alone, Lily Evans. Sirius, Remus, Peter, and mostly even I care about you. Even after all of those points you took away from us and all the times you told us to grow up, you've been our friend. Hell, Sirius told me how much you've been there for him since his family threw him out. You are not a murderer Lily Evans, and don't you ever think that again!" James shook me hard to get his point across before hugging me tight again. He gently kissed the top of my head as he wrapped his arms tighter around me. We stayed there, still rocking gently, as my tears dried away.
Something just didn't make sense.
"James, why would you think I was afraid of you?"
"Oh. Lily, don't even worry about that, it was just Sirius being - " Realization dawned as I remembered the shock on Sirius' face with my book selection. Suddenly I laughed. True laughter ripped from me and I could barely stop as my shoulders shook. James pulled me away from him and stared at me in slight fear.
"James. Your secrets are safe with me. If you don't mind though, I think I need to tell Remus that his "furry little problem" has never scared me." Shock colored James' face. Suddenly I was pulled even closer into his embrace and his warm lips were pressed against mine. I giggled as he looked down at me again, quirking an eyebrow in question.
"I think I might just love you, Lily Evans." I gulped and blushed, but didn't pull away. No, even a survivor deserves a little love.
AN: Please review!