Jesus and Mary Magdalene: The Incocktrination
Mary the atheist prostitute was sad. she was an atheist and that made her sad because death scared her. She was a prostitute and that made her sad because she fucking hated Julia Roberts. Her whole life was a giant spiral of unending sadness. She woke up sad, she had sex sad, and she went to bed sad. also she had gonorrhea, chlamydia, herpes, syphilis, hepatitis b, scabies, and crabs, and that sucks super duper. And she couldn't do porn cause she had a weird face and the internet hadn't been invented yet so it wasn't as profitable and bareback is the norm. But anyway
So she was doing her sad atheist prostitute thing, making that bank, walking the walk, giving Cleveland steamers and and all that when suddenly came a man. Not just any man, a handsome man. Not like in the handsome lumberjack way, but like an enlightened soul. Some hippie Baba Ram Dass shit. Her hormones were all fucked up so it made her hella randy, and that's saying something cause she's a sad atheist prostitute, nothing made her nervous like that. She decided to go talk to him.
"sup handsome." She said all cool like.
"hiya hotcakes, the name's Jesus, don't wear it out." Jesus was super cool. He had a cool robe and cool sandals and a super cool beard. He was a cool dude. He could have been a surfer or something. Or the Fonz. Speaking of which, right at that moment he went "ayyyy," and gave two thumbs up. Cool.
"so, how about that weather, huh? It's really…." In the middle east the weather never really changes, so people don't often talk about the weather. She didn't know what to say.
"You are a prostitute," Jesus said. Mary was shocked, but awed.
"How da fuck did you know?" she asked with astonishment.
"because I'm motherfucking Son of God, god damn it!" he shouted with joy. But at the same time he was enlightened cause that's how his character is supposed to be so I guess he adheres to that. But anyway
Mary stared at Jesus' crotch. She noticed his massive boner, probably 13 or 14 inches long, underneath his tunic. This was some Ron Jeremy shit right here, she was major impressed.
"I am major impressed by your dick," she said, major impressed by his dick.
"most of my disciples say that, both before and after. And when I use it as a spatula to flip pancakes." Jesus gave a smarmy look. He was indeed a smarmasaur.
"I'm not your disciple! I'm a sad atheist prostitute!" mary was saddened by this fact.
Jesus grabbed her by the shoulders.
"okay enough of this introduction shit we need to fuck each other right now."
"but where shall we go?"
"perhaps a motel?"
"is there one close?"
"there's the Bates Motel right down the block."
"naw fuck that shit haven't you seen that movie?"
"no."
"dude I think MF Doom mentions it in one of his tracks it's a movie in the 80s starring Bud Corts and there's some crazy people and a haunted motel. Fuck that, let's go to the church."
"who the hell is Bud Corts?"
"you know, he's that guy from Harold and Maude."
"oh I don't go to the movies that often."
"Jesus yousis dumb."
"whatever I'm tired of just dialogue let's fuck in that church."
"sounds good to me."
They went to the church. It had a "NO SEX" sign outside. They ignored it and went inside and got really high and then took off all their clothes.
"ooooh oho oh oh ohooho oho oh that's so good Jesus," mary said.
"the fuck? I haven't even started anything."
"oh I must be high."
"yeah we just got high."
"oh I forgot lol."
"lol," jesus said.
Jesus put his big cock inside mary the atheist prostitute's ass and she evolved into mary Magdalene the disciple of jesus because god damn jesus can make your bed rock. Fred flinstone ain't got shit on that ma fucka.
His semen cured her seven venereal diseases and she was amazed. And she said "wow jesus that was really good sex and I mean I'm a prostitute so my vaggy bits are more limp numb and soggy than a dead cat in the rain but god damn that was excellent. Thanks." And jesus said "I have cleansed you of your seven demons." And mary was like "I ain't for that poet shit, Greenwich village is in the western hemisphere." But jesus was too busy toking it up to notice.
"you wanna go steady?" he asked. Somehow in the middle of all of this he had put on a pair of sunglasses and he looked super cool. "yeah I do." Mary said, and then they went to movies and had sex and it was a pretty decent relationship. That is until Jesus died and rose again and then ascended to heaven and then Christians felt some sort of entitlement over the planet and enslaved everyone and killed literally billions of people in their pursuit of having Jesus' loving cock in their ass.
THE END