As deep gray clouds loomed gloomily in the sky, I walked slowly over vast hills that rose and fell like choppy ocean waves. My head hung low, much like the rain clouds, and I stared heavily down at the folded piece of paper in my hand. I turned it over and over in my blotchy, pale fingers. I could see the dark inking of a fountain pen through the folds, could see the words that'd haunted me for so many years.
A low rumble of thunder sounded through the empty valley, swaying the blades of grass and my train of thought. My mind drifted away from this place and to a time when everything was right, right in the world, right in my life.
His fingers trace mindless patterns on the palm of my hand as I chatter away happily with Naruto about the party we planned on throwing.
"It's going to be awesome! We'll have to get a lot of snacks, though. People won't want to come if there's nothing to eat," Naruto commented knowingly. I nod with agreement and add,
"Yeah, and not to mention a lot of music. I don't know about you but I'm gunna want to get up and dance!" He laughed but shouted,
"Definitely! I'll be the DJ!" I furrowed my eyebrows together and said,
"Well what if I wanted to be the DJ? I do think I have a better sense in music than you do." But immediately he retorted,
"But the party's going to be at your house, even though you know how much I wanted it to be at mine. So I think it's only fair that I get to be DJ." My lips jutted out in a pout but I sighed in defeat, huffing a 'fine'. His gentle laughter floated in the air around my ears and I turned my attention to him, snapping, "hey! What are you laughing about Chuckles?" He only smiled and shook his head lightly.
"Nothing at all baby... nothing at all…" He stops tracing the invisible patterns on my hand and softly turned my palm over. "Keep planning with Naruto, babe, don't let me disturb you…" then he bent his head and gently kissed the top of my hand. I flustered a light shade of red and looked away.
"Right…Anyways…"
I wince, recalling the memory. In my head I scream and curse at myself for looking away. I should've stared at him longer. Took him in with all my senses. Maybe then memories like those could show his actual face, and not just a smudge of blackness.My thumb traces over the dips in the small note where the pen had been pressed too hard to the paper. I wish I'd been there with him when he wrote this... I wish I would've stayed home. If I'd had only done that, then I wouldn't be walking this rippling land, I wouldn't be alone right now. I would be where I wanted to be so badly; I'd give anything to go there again. Where, in my heart, I knew I needed to be, at home, in his arms.
I try to remember the feeling of his embrace. Envision the utter delight I felt when his arms wrapped tightly around my waist…but I can't. No matter how hard I try, I just…can't. He was too far-gone, too far away. And I knew I'd never experience the feeling again. Not in the sweetest of dreams, or the cruelest of nightmares. Nothing would ever compare to it. Nothing would ever compare to him…
"Yeah it's going to be great! I hope you can make it!" I speak cheerily to Kiba, the balls of my cheeks reddened with excitement. He grinned and said,
"Oh I'll be there! But I hope you're ready for me!" He winked and nudged my arm jokingly. I let out an easy laugh but could feel his arms stiffen around me. I sighed, saying,
"Calm down babe. You know he's only kidding…" His face knelt down beside mine as his lips brushed the inside of my neck.
"I know…I just don't like the thought…" He kisses my throat in such a lovely way, I feel as though my knees are going to give way under the pressure. But I wasn't worried. Because I knew even if I did fall, he'd be there to catch me. He'd promised.
I wish that promise was still true. I wish so badly I could believe him. And sometimes, when I'm all alone, I almost convince myself he's there. I almost believe that he never left and that it was all just a dream. But those sweet moments of escape are gone so quickly; they slip right through my fingers and out the window alongside the rest of my fondest memories. I was sure that soon, I'd have no recollection of any of it, of any of my brightest days. It'd be as if the three greatest years of my life never existed, just a void in time.
The wind starts to whip my thin hair around my face and tries to slow my pace. I ignore its taunting lashes though and continue forward. I close my eyes and imagine I'm holding his hand instead of this godforsaken paper. I imagine this harsh wind is only a mild breeze and the looming clouds are pure and white with vibrant rays of sunlight outlining them. I imagine I'm happy. But my imagination isn't much of anything anymore. Only a sham of what it used to be.
I'm ashamed of myself and what I've become. And I knew he would be too if he were here. But he wasn't. And if he were…well damn it I wouldn't be like this in the first place! I would be happy. And my imagination could forge up the best goddamn story this world had ever seen! But now my mind has slowed, along with my heartbeat and breathing. I often feel like I'm not even alive anymore. Nothing about me says I am. The lively color that used to shine brightly in my round, dark brown eyes has faded into a haze, and the pigment in my skin is close to gone. Dark bags of sorrow and lack-of-light encircle my eyes. I never leave the house anymore. Except for today, that is.
"Alright, when I count to three take your blind fold off," I hear him speak happily in my ear. I laugh with giddiness, ready to see the surprise. "One…Two…Three!" I tore the bandana from my eyes to see a sloppily made chocolate birthday cake with 15 candles illuminating the otherwise dark room. A grin spreads wide across my face, striving to reach my ears.
"Oh baby! It's so cute!" I giggle, feeling like a little schoolgirl. But I didn't care. Not around him.
"Cute? But I wanted it to be…a masterpiece." I hear the complain slipping through his statement. I laugh at his choice of words and question,
"Masterpiece? You never were much of a chef, babe. You know that…" He sighed in acknowledgment.
"I know, but I wanted this to be special for you…" I turn to him and kiss his lips lightly but lovingly.
"And it is. This is the sweetest thing I think I've ever seen." I rest my forehead against his and he mumbles,
"…You mean it?" I smile and close my eyes, my fingers finding his.
"Yes. I meant it."
The time seemed so long ago; it feels like it was yesterday. Like this never happened. Like I wasn't meant to be walking forward right now, rather still lying in bed nuzzled close to his warm chest. In fact, I knew that that was where I was supposed to be. This wasn't supposed to happen. This is all a mistake. Everything. If I'd only stayed home! God if only…
"I'm going to Naruto's, alright babe?" I call from the bottom of the staircase.
"Wait!" He shouts, suddenly appearing at the top of the stairs. He flies down the steps and is suddenly at my feet. "Don't go." I smile at his concern but continue lacing up my shoes.
"Don't worry babe. I'll be fine."
"I heard on the news we were going to have a bad storm and I want you to be home when it happens," he explains, a slight hint of worry in his tone. Standing up I grab my jacket off the steps and sling it over my shoulders.
"I'll be fine. I promise," I assured, leaning up to quickly kiss his lips. Then before he could protest I vanished out the door.
As things turned out, the storm came faster and harder than I anticipated. Getting halfway to Naruto's, a flash of lightening struck through the mid-day sky. At the sight I decided to turn around and head back home, all the while thinking of the grief I was going to get from him for this.
After 10 minutes I found myself racing down the road in the treacherous down pour and busting through the front door. I slammed it closed behind myself, trying desperately to keep the rain out.
"Babe?" I call out, slipping out of my jacket and shoes. I get no response, and I call again, "Baby I'm back." Still, all I got was silence. Ascending the staircase, I walked into our shared bedroom to find a folded piece of paper propped up on the center of our neatly made bed. Picking it up and unfolding it quickly, I read over the words.
Instantly my eyes grew wide in horror. Tossing the note over my shoulder I dashed down the stairs and flung open the door. I shouted his name at the top of my lungs, praying but all the while knowing he didn't hear me. After yelling for 5 minutes, I give it up and walk slowly into the dinning room, pulling out a chair and taking a seat.
I waited up all night and well into the next day, and he never came home. Even hours after the storm had ended. I called Naruto and he said he hadn't seen him. I search the neighborhood, asking people if they'd seen him, and not a sight of him from anyone. Sasuke never came home.
I stared lifelessly down at the broad stone placed in the ground. This spot, miles away from anything, I spent restless nights. One, after the other, after the other. I take my eyes away from the stone and back down at the folded note in hand. I turn it over and unfold it, to read the haunting words over again. Written in his childish handwriting were the words,
"I went out looking for you. If you come home,
wait for me."
I look back at the memorial, it reading, "Here lies nothing, but everything that ever mattered." And its words couldn't be truer. The casket beneath my feet held no body because they never found his body. But we all knew he was dead. Gone. Never to come home.
They all looked at me like I was crazy when I told them my plans. "An empty casket? Don't do that Alexis. That's a waste of money and time." But they didn't understand. Whether or not there was a body in it mattered little. What did matter was that 6 feet beneath my feet lied all my hopes…all my dreams…all my love…every good memory I'd ever collected. Everything I'd ever cared for. It was dead. All of it. Every last bit of it was long gone. Nothing more than a silly fantasy now.
I slid the note into my pocket and replaced it with another folded paper. This one, though, was not written by him, but I. Kneeling down in front of the headstone, I lift one of the rocks that I'd used to form a heart and put the paper underneath it. I didn't need to read it again. I knew all too well what it said. Its words were now apart of my soul. Ones I would live by until the day my heart quit beating.
"If you find this, run home. You'll find me there,
waiting for you."