Disclaimer: Thank God, I DO NOT own 'My Immortal' by XXXbloodyrists666XXX – terrible spelling, terrible plotline and so mind-numbing that I nearly got meself some drums in my head a la the Master. Oh, and the first thing he does after reading it...enjoy!

The sad thing reason why no-one could bring themselves to feel sympathetic towards the Master was because he always, always brought it on himself. Then again, the fact that he had coldly murdered over three billion people (when people said four billion, he said they were exaggerating) may have also added to that in some way, shape or form. And the fact that he liked to sing (badly) in the shower.

But even this aside, it may have been a teensy bit harsh for Jack Harkness to have compared him to Voldemort. If he'd been in a better mood the Master may have simply come up with a witty retort – something to do with wands, perhaps, and where Jack clearly wanted to stick his – but as he had been cut off mid-way through 'I Will Survive' by the hot water being turned off by the TARDIS (who appreciated good music and disliked the Master anyway) he instead went through the FanFictions to show the differences between himself and the Dark Wizard. ("See, I have a nose for one. And as much as I'd LOVE one, the Doctor would never let me take a snake aboard the TARDIS.")

And then he came across...that story.

"Doctor!" Jack called frantically down the corridor as he struggled to stop the Master from clicking on it. "I need your help here!"

"Let go of me, freak!" The Master snarled, twisting in the other man's grasp. "I want to read this!"

"Well, I'm not gonna let you – it's too dangerous, especially in your state of mind!"

"Ooo Jack, I always knew you wanted me!"

"I do not!"

"That's not what FanFiction says..."

The Doctor came running in and, after briefly assessing the situation, forced Jack to leave the room. After he had left, fully intending to look up just what people on FanFiction were writing about him and the Master, the Doctor started one of His Talks – or pompous speeches, as the Master thought of them. "Koschei," He said softly, and the Master flinched. "Please. Don't read it."

"Why not?" He asked grumpily. "I'm bored, and the drums aren't that bad today, and I've barely done anything wrong!"

"You tripped me up and me fall in the swimming pool."

"Yeah, but that was funny." The Master grinned at the memory, and the Doctor sighed. He wasn't winning this one.

"Master, listen to me. That story...'My Immortal'...well, even for the relatively sane it's difficult to read. I had to lock myself up for a recuperation period, and that was after only three chapters." He shuddered at the memory.

If anything what he was saying made the Master even more curious; what could have been so bad that it made even the Doctor break down? Instantly he began plotting: if he could harness that terrible power that it seemed to have, then implanted it into the brains of an entire planet, he could become an emperor with plenty of willing slaves in less than five minutes. It was a nice thought. "Whatever, I'll speed read it."

The Doctor reached out and grabbed his arm. "Listen to me. Please, don't do this to yourself; you'll only get hurt, and I can't bear to see – "

"Doctor, let me read it or I'll – I'll write a FanFiction involving you, Jack and a bottle of tequila." The Master grinned at the Doctor's expression. "Should've seen what I got for my one with Rose/Martha: five reviews in half an hour, AND someone put me on Author Alert!"

"What's your pen name?"

"...Tellytubbies907, but that makes no difference. Let me read it!"

The Doctor hesitated, but backed away towards the door. "Ok, but you're going to regret it!"

"Stop being so melodramatic, Theta, it really doesn't suit you." The Doctor sighed and closed the door before going to make a cup of tea. He sat opposite Jack at the table, munching on a jammy dodger and sipping tea while reading the Harry Potter series all over again. Jack was reading something too, but from the disgusted sounds coming from behind his iMac the Doctor thought it best not to ask what it was.

Quarter of an hour later, and the Master's room was eerily quiet. The Doctor was getting quite worried; surely if he'd been speed reading he'd've come out by now? He waited outside the door for five more minutes, listening intently, before creeping in. He immediately heard whimpering coming from underneath the desk and dropped to his haunches. The Master was hunched under the desk with his head pressed to his knees, rocking backwards and forwards as he moaned. "Oh, Master, I am so, so sorry."

"WHO?" The Doctor flinched. "WHO IN RASSILON'S NAME WROTE THAT...THAT..." He put his arms around the other man.

"I don't know, but apparently she's 'goffik'." The Master screamed and the Doctor patted him on the back.

"DON'T SAY THAT WORD! I couldn't take it, Doctor. The plotline, the OCs, the spelling, the terrible sex scenes, that band name – "

"Bloody Gothic Rose 666?"

"YES! I can feel my brain cells dying one by one and the drums are giving me a headache...Doctor, do you think I'm dying?"

"I wouldn't have thought so, but you're very lucky. I'm pretty sure I nearly regenerated: the bitch simply MURDERED those poor HP characters."

The Master sniffed. "I'm not sure that I can go on."

"You will; I made through this, so you definitely can."

They held each other in petrified silence for a minute, then the dim glow from the laptop monitor dimmed.

"Master, I think the screensaver's come on."

"Thank Rassilon; we don't have to look at it. Now let's try and leave – and don't jog the mouse, it might come back!" Carefully the two Time Lords left their hiding place, and were nearly at the door when Jack barged in and snapped the lights on. Literally, snapped. The Doctor liked human inventions.

"What the hell - ?" The Master and the Doctor realised that they were still holding each other and let go, coughing slightly. Jack frowned. "He didn't...! Did he?" The Doctor nodded and Jack whistled. "You poor sod." He leaned against the desk – and then the Master saw the bin. He calculated the trajectory, then, finding it satisfactory, gave a predatory grin and tripped Jack up so he went head first into the bin. As he fell, alas, his elbow caught the mouse, and the screen lit up again on XXXbloodyrists666XXX's monstrosity of a creation. The Master and the Doctor screamed and covered their eyes; Jack said nothing as a banana skin was stuck in his mouth.

"YOU IDIOT!" The Doctor screamed. "WHAT WAS THAT FOR?"

The Master sobbed. "I'M SORRY; IT SEEMED LIKE SUCH A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME!"

"Mmmph mmm mmm!" Jack mumbled, which translated to something like: "This banana skin tastes foul, and the bin is stuck on my head."

"KOSCHEI, DO SOMETHING!"

"WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?"

"TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!"

"MMM MMPH MMM!" (Translated as: "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, MASTER!"

The Master punched the screen. Sparks flew and the screen went black, but the Master's blood was up and he wasn't stopping there. He kicked the monitor until it was nothing but a mass of circuits, then beat the keyboard over Jack's bin-head until the keys flew off. Only then did he step back, breathing heavily.

"...What. The. HELL?" The Doctor was lost for words. "You...you broke my computer!"

The Master rolled his eyes. "Look, you got it second-hand from Amazon – don't start."

"I wanted you TO PULL THE PLUG, not break it to pieces!"

"Think about it, at least 'My Immortal' isn't there anymore."

The Doctor sighed. "Yes, I suppose so...thanks."

"You're welcome...please, can I get a snake now?"

"Oh, fine, but not a big one!" The Master squealed happily and hugged the Doctor, and Jack got the bin off his head and spat the remains of the banana into it with a fair level of disgust. He commented that it was the second-worst thing he'd tasted, but unfortunately the Master didn't hear, so he didn't make any jokes about what his worst was.

A cough made them look up. Standing in the doorframe was a pale man draped in black, with blood red eyes and no nose. It didn't take an idiot to realise it was Voldemort. "Ahem. According to my records, and 11:15AM someone on a PC computer read 'My Immortal'. I've been sent to deliver our full apologies for the mess it has probably made of your mind. We are horribly aware of how badly this reflects on our world and beg your forgiveness for the monstrosity. I mean, when have I said 'thy' and 'doth' and that stuff? And all the repetition and forced 'goffic-ness' of it...she spelt my name Vlodemort once, can you BELIEVE it?"

"I hear your pain, dude," Jack nodded sympathetically. "I hear your pain."

"Anyway, I have more people screaming in mental agony somewhere in the world to see to. I wish you all the best." He turned to the Master. "By the way, are you Tellytubby907? I put you on Author Alert you know, that Rose/Martha story was pure genius!"

"Oh, I try." The Master said off-handly, winking at the Doctor and Jack. "Goodbye Voldemort – I'll PM you, THEDarkLord isn't it?"

"Indeed it is," Voldemort said sombrely. "Farewell, Master. I look forward to your PM." With that he Disapperated out of the TARDIS, who was seriously confused as to what was going on.

The three men looked at each other, then: "Ha! See? I have a nose, he doesn't! AND he's not going to have as good a snake as me!" The Master said delightedly.

"FanFiction is gross and disgusting, and certain authors should be ashamed! Jack/Master slash indeed! I HATE the BASTARD, you hear?" Jack yelled.

"I need another cup of tea and a lie down..." The Doctor groaned.