The Talisman VII: The Journey
By chips challenge
Chapter 01 – Jenner, part 01
Please see the story note in my profile.
Harry got up early and practiced his Occlumency. He liked to keep up that practice, which had started to make his days feel a little more normal. Now that he was on a journey and didn't have to do any of his Apprentice duties, he found that he missed them, and he was afraid to not keep up with his Occlumency and physical training. After meditating, he got up and started making breakfast. He know how to make food the Muggle way from all of his years living with the Dursley's, and he liked to do at least something for Jenner because he was letting him stay at his house.
Their first few days together had been awkward; Harry never knew what to say or if saying anything at all was appropriate. He felt weird staying with his therapist 24 hours a day, because he sort of felt like he was always in a counseling session. He would have tried to just avoid Jenner, but that would have defeated the purpose of staying with him in the first place.
Jenner lived in a small and comfortable cottage. There was plenty of room for guests, and Harry had his own bedroom and bathroom as well as access to a large library and living room when Jenner was away at work. Harry took that time to read some of Jenner's books on Psychology, but he had little interest in them and found he spent most of his time just listening to the thoughts in his head. He began writing in his journal more frequently and had now filled in almost the whole thing. Jenner never asked him to talk about it. They
didn't even have traditional counseling sessions. Harry knew that *he* had to make the most out of this experience; Jenner wasn't just going to tell him what he needed to know. He needed to take the initiative and start the conversations that he really needed to have, but wanted to avoid at the same time.
"You know you don't have to do that, Harry," Jenner said as he entered the kitchen.
"Yeah, I know, but I like having something to do. You like pancakes, don't you?" Harry asked.
"Yes, thank you." Jenner sat down by a heaping plate of pancakes.
"What are your plans for today?"
Harry paused mid-bite and slowly lowered his fork back to the table. He wasn't sure why he felt apprehensive about asking Jenner to talk with him – that was the reason that he had chosen Jenner to be a part of his journey – but he somehow felt like he was imposing on his Master's time.
Jenner also paused and looked up at Harry who was now studying his pancakes. "Harry, you've been here for almost a week, are you getting out of this experience what you'd hoped?"
Harry shook his head without looking up. He really hadn't done anything. He'd been hoping that things would just make sense to him suddenly or that some revolution would come to him, but nothing had happened. He'd had some good meditation sessions and he didn't feel like hurting Snape every time that he thought of him, but he also didn't feel like he'd resolved anything.
"This is your time, Harry. I can not tell you what to do. However, if you are not progressing, Severus will insist on calling another meeting of your committee. Your journey is meant to help you, but we will need to make some changes."
Harry finally looked up. Jenner had been talking with his Master. Even though this was supposed to be his journey, Snape was still checking up on him. Harry couldn't help but feel a little annoyed. Maybe what he really needed was some time just by himself. But Jenner was right; he was just wasting everyone's time if he didn't *do* something.
"I'm sorry," Harry said. "I want to talk to you about what Master Snape did, but I don't feel ready. I don't want to waste your time babbling when I'm not sure how I feel."
"I don't expect you to know how you feel, and I think talking about it might help you determine that," Jenner replied.
"Yeah, I sort of knew that, but I don't know…I really feel like I need some time away, you know, by myself. I know that I asked to come here, but er…" Harry took a drink of his orange juice to give him a moment to think.
"You are welcome to stay here for as long as you need to. I am not trying to make you leave, but I am also not going to allow you to use this time or place to be stagnant."
"I guess I just didn't know what was going to happen when I made plans to come here. I did mean to use the time to work on trusting and all that, but now things seem different. I'm too confused, I think. I just feel like I would know better what I want to talk about or do if I had some time by myself," Harry said.
"Where would you go?"
"I don't know. Maybe just outside in the forest or down by the beach. I want to be somewhere where nobody expects anything from me for awhile."
"And what would you do with this time?" Jenner asked.
"I want to think and maybe write some more, but mostly think."
Jenner looked at him somewhat suspiciously," You've been writing in that journal all week. I'm surprised that you haven't filled it up yet."
"I have – almost – but I haven't been writing about what I really want to. I mean I guess I thought that you would ask to read it. I haven't been thinking about what I really need to either. I've been trying to avoid it."
"Harry, have I ever asked to read your journal?"
Harry shook his head. He had read his journal to Jenner before, but Jenner had never read it and he had never forced him to read. Maybe he had just felt confined here like he had to talk about whatever he was thinking about even though he never really said anything at all.
"I will challenge you in order to help you and I know that's hard for you often, but I though you had accepted it."
Harry nodded. Jenner was right; he was going back into his old ways of avoidance, ways that of course had not done anything to help him in the past. "I just need some time. Not a lot of time, and I don't mean to leave and not come back."
"Okay," Jenner said.
"Really?"
"Yes, this is your time and within reason, you can do what you think is best. But there are some stipulations."
"Like what?"
"You will have a tracking charm on you and contact me or someone every night."
"I don't plan to stay out that long," Harry protested.
"Nonetheless, you are still underage and not particularly safe anywhere."
"Alright," Harry agreed.
"And you will take your wand, and I need to be sure that you don't have any other intentions," Jenner said.
"What do you mean other intentions? Other than what? Thinking? How are you going to do that? Oh…you mean you think I would do- I not thinking about that. I don't think about doing things like that anymore."
"I have to be sure. You have gone back to thinking that way before and you have recently been through some difficult times with what happened to Professor Dumbledore and your Master."
"But…" Harry wanted to protest, he really did, but as usual Jenner was right. He had gone back to being self-destructive before. But this time was different; he really did just want to think, alone. "But I'm not thinking that way. I don't want to hurt myself. I want to help myself," Harry replied quietly, but he knew that his words would not satisfy Jenner.
"You sound sincere, Harry, but I need you to show me. I don't have a true sense of your disposition right now because we haven't been communicating. I've hardly said two words to you a day for the past week."
"Show you how?" Harry managed to ask though visions of his first Occlumency session began to fill his mind.
"Let down your lower blocks. I've been in your mind enough that I will be able to sense you fairly quickly. You know that I won't violate your privacy and that you are a strong enough Occlumens to prevent me from doing so in any case."
Yes, Harry knew that everything Jenner said was true and he even didn't think that Jenner was too far out of line in asking him to do that being that he was allowed to go at all, and really he didn't have anything to hide.
"Okay," Harry said. "Anything else?"
"No, finish your breakfast."
Harry sat down in front of the fire like he had many times and places before, but this time he didn't try to clear his mind. He didn't want Jenner to think that he was trying to hide anything. Jenner took his hands and quickly Harry felt the warmth of another presence in his mind. He concentrated on his breathing rather than what Jenner was doing in his mind.
His mind slowly shifted to the last time that "Jenner" had entered his mind. The "other Jenner" had quickly started searching for a way into his inner thoughts. Harry had had to use force to get him out. Harry took another deep breath. Jenner wasn't doing that. He knew Jenner wouldn't. Harry felt the presence slip from his mind and he took another deep breath and pulled his knees to his chest. He rested there for a moment until his breathing felt regular and then he looked up.
"Alright, you may go," Jenner said.
"You think it's a bad idea." Harry could sense that Jenner still had reservations.
"I think that it is dangerous, but what I think is not important. If you think that you need time away, you should take time away."
Harry spent the rest of the morning getting his things ready. He packed only clean underclothing figuring that he could wear the same outer clothing each day. He really wasn't planning on staying out much more than two days. He borrowed a blanket and a shrinking trunk from Jenner and packed some food and his wand and a portkey, which Jenner had insisted on. By mid-afternoon, he was ready to leave. He still didn't know precisely where he was going to go, but there was a forest close to Jenner's house and a beach. He didn't really need to go far to feel like he was alone.
He sat silently on the couch and felt the magic of the tracking charm sink into his body. He could tell that it was a strong spell because he could actually feel it taking effect. Jenner would probably be able to track him from anyone on the planet, but Harry didn't care. He trusted Jenner to give him his space unless there was a real emergency.
"I hope that you find whatever it is you're looking for," Jenner said as Harry waked past him and out the door. Harry headed straight for the forest. It wasn't a magical forest, so it didn't contain the dangers of the forest at Hogwarts, but there was still the possibility that he could run into a wild animal or get lost. So, Harry took out his wand and discretely marked his path as he went. He kept walking until the sun started to go down and then he set up a small camp. He started a small fire and cooked some soup over it and ate while sitting on the blanket he had brought.
Soon after he finished eating, he realized that one, he was not thinking about Snape, and two the ground was quite hard. Why had he wanted to come out here? He tried to remind himself of the reason, but none came. The air was starting to get cooler, and Harry wrapped the blanket around his body.
He lay back on the cold ground and forced his thoughts towards the last moments of Dumbledore's life. Snape had been there; Snape had done it. Harry knew that it had all been part of a plan. He knew that Dumbledore had forced Snape to do it. He knew that Snape could no longer work at Hogwarts because of it. But why couldn't Snape have told him? Snape had gotten extremely angry when Harry hadn't told him about what was happening to Jenner, but then Snape hadn't told him. Was it just because he was a child? Didn't Snape trust him to keep his mouth shut? Or did Snape really, as he said, just want to prevent him from interfering. Snape couldn't even trust him to not do anything.
Of course Harry knew that thought was reasonable. He wouldn't have let Snape kill Dumbledore. How could Snape have even done it? No plan was worth the headmaster's life.
'But what if the headmaster were already dead? What if the whole thing were just for show?' Harry had heard that voice in his head before and promptly ignored it. But out here, he couldn't ignore it. That was why he was here.
"The headmaster was going to die," Snape had said. "He knew it, and he knew there was nothing that could prevent it. My presence and actions in the tower cemented my loyalty to the Dark Lord. What I can learn will prevent Voldemort from taking over again and give you a chance to do what you have to."
Harry felt his head beginning to hurt and he began subconsciously rubbing his temple. He knew that Dumbledore thought he was going to die, but what if that wasn't true? Had he just heard it in some prophecy and then assumed that he was going to die that day? And how did he know that it was going to be that day? Or was there something else that made him think that?
Like someone had forced him to drink a slow acting poison; he knew he would die and would rather die faster. Harry felt his heart stop beating. He had forced Dumbledore to drink that potion. Dumbledore knew that he would have to drink the potion to get the horcrux; he had known that he was going to die. Things were clicking into place in his mind, but Harry had never thought that he would be the one who really killed the headmaster. Harry felt the pain in his head getting stronger and strangely he began to feel it in his chest and arms as well. He tried to ignore the pain as the thoughts kept swimming around in his head.
Had Snape been trying to protect him by not telling him? Surely he would have known that he would figure it out. As clear as he saw it now, Harry wondered how he could have ignored the truth for so long. But then Snape didn't even trust him with that truth.
So, it was his fault that Dumbledore was dead, Harry realized. He should have known. The pain in his extremities began to intensify. He actually had to grit his teeth to keep from screaming. Harry felt like his core was actually on fire. All he could do was let out a primal scream as the world started blackening in around him.