Hey, readers. This is my first story, so go easy on me, please.
I sadly do not own Big Time Rush, only this story.
Another day passes of hiding my scars; both inner and outer. My flesh is littered with angry red lines. I remember how I got every single one of them, as I absentmindedly traced the cuts. Some were unintended, however most were deliberate. As I reached for my razor I recalled the day this horrid habit was formed.
(Flashback)
I just walked in the door of my house after school and had set my bag down when my mother stormed into the room. I slowly backed away when I saw the anger burning in her eyes. "What is the meaning of this?" she shrieked as she shoved the math test I had taken the morning before into my shaking hands. I looked at it. I got a B+. "Uh, Mom, it's a B+. It's the second highest grade in the class. I thought I did really well," I explained still slightly trembling. "You thought you did well. Well newsflash you didn't do well, you did pitiful. Second isn't good enough. You are a failure," she spat harshly." But, only Logan was ahead of me and it was the hardest test of the semester, so I figured I did pretty well," I said quietly. She walked up to me and slapped me roughly across my face. I reached up and gingerly touched the spot she slapped. "Don't talk back to me," she said with venom in her voice. "I wasn't trying to I just was-"she cut me off. "What did I just say? For that you will not get dinner and you are grounded for two months. You are worthless. Idiotic. Ugly. Fat. A piece of shit and a disgrace to our family. Now march up to your room. Go!" She screamed. I ran quickly and quietly up to the sanctuary of my room. I closed the door and locked it. I slowly walked over to my mirror and looked into it. Suddenly the voices in my head replayed back what my mom had just said. "You are worthless. Idiotic. Ugly. Fat. APiece of shit and a disgrace to our family." I felt the anger well up inside of me. I punched the mirror and immediately regretted it. "Fuck!" I muttered under my breath. The glass splintered and dug their way into my skin, as well as, fell soundlessly to the carpet beneath. I muffled a scream and proceeded to pull the glass shards out. Blood oozed from the many cuts on my hand. I expected it to hurt like hell as I pulled out the glass, but it didn't. It felt almost pleasant. Suddenly I felt an odd urge. I picked up one of the larger shards and rolled up my sleeve. I dragged the shard hastily along the underside of my wrist and watched the blood bubble out of the cut. After a few swipes the blood dripped down my wrist staining the carpet with small crimson dots. The shard I was holding glinted in the light, the blood covering it making me crave it more. I turned over my wrist and a small smile crept on my face.
(End of Flashback)
To tell you the truth I am afraid one day I will cut too deep or be caught but I know I can hide it for awhile longer. I smiled as I swiped the razor over my scared flesh. I walked over to the bathroom and quickly rinsed off the bloody blade. I watched the blood mix with the water and swirl down the drain. I put it back in its place and grabbed the gauze out of the cabinet. I slowly wrapped it around the damage I had created on my arm and gritted my teeth at the stinging. I then grabbed one of my bandanas and tied it around my wrist to hide the gauze. I walked out of my bathroom and sat on my bed. I heard my stomach growl. That reminds me, I haven't eaten in almost four days. I better eat something before I pass out. Yes, that's right. I'm anorexic. My mother used to call me fat and overweight so I guess those comments really hit home with me. No one has even noticed the change in weight. But how could they have. I eat with them then puke it up when they are not home. I used to weight about one-hundred and seventy pounds. Now, I barely weigh one-hundred and twenty-five pounds. Yep, I'll surely never be fat again, that's for sure. I walked to the kitchen and grabbed an apple and headed back to my room. I took a bite, chewed, and swallowed. I regretted taking that bite. I dropped the apple and hurried to the bathroom as the bile creeped up my throat. I kneeled in front of the toilet and started throwing up the apple. After I was done I leaned against the wall and started to dry heave. I calmed myself as I sat on the cold tile. After a few minutes, I stood up and flushed the toilet. I walked over to the sink and quickly brushed my teeth. I rinsed out my mouth and walked out. I started thinking about my life. You know I really envy my friends. I mean look at Kendall. He's strong, confident, and an amazing singer. And Carlos. He's caring and compassionate and sweet and fun. And especially Logan. He's insanely smart, watches out for us, and makes sure we don't kill ourselves. I'm certainly not any of those things. I mean everyone thinks I am prideful and only care about appearances, but it's only a cover. I'm afraid if I truly let anyone in they will break me and find out my secrets. I don't want that. I can't let people know yet. I will in the future. When I'm ready that is. "Hey, James. Let's go! If we're late again Gustavo will kill us!" Kendall yelled to me. "Coming!" I quickly shouted back. Well, I'm ready to face another day of hidden torment. Are you?
Save me
From myself
From the cuts
Deep in my flesh
From the hunger
That makes my body ache
Tell me I'm not worthless
That I have a purpose
Tell me I'm unique
And special
That I deserve to live
A long, full life
Tell me you will save me
That you care
Come quick
I feel myself slipping
Farther and farther down
Surrounded by darkness
The fear envelops me
Please save me
From myself
Pull me up
Into the light
Make things clear
Let others see me
Help me
Save me
Recue me
Please
If you are wondering this is not a one-shot. There will be one to two more chapters. Tell me what you think, or if you have any suggestions,but please go easy on me.