Title: Prototype of an episode
Author: thingsabout
Fandom: Xena, Warrior Princess
Rating: T
Pairing: Xena/Gabrielle
Disclaimer: Universal and Renaissance Pictures own Xena and Gabrielle, I don't. Unfortunately.
Author's note: Just an old, old parody ficlet I found while digging through some old folders.
Unbeta'd, all mistakes by me. Enjoy! (^_^)
Part One
As usual, Xena and Gabrielle, her young and beautiful sidekick, travel along the paths and roads on the very ancient, very mythological and very beautiful Greece, searching for adventurous situations and innocents to save or defend.
"Xena, how far are we from…"
[Xena interrupts her] "You tired?"
"Yes! Aren't you? Huh… Forget it. You never get tired… We've been walking non-stop for three days now! Of course I'm tired."
"Well, it's not that far now."
"Huh… Not meaning to sound worried, but you said that an hour ago…"
"I did?"
"Yes…"
"Oh…"
"OK, Xena… How far is it?"
"Relax Gabrielle. We're almost there."
"Xena, if there's something I've learned with you is that 'almost there' is always way too long…"
"Well, you see… We kind of should have gone East like half a day ago and turned right on that ridge we passed three candle marks ago…"
"Wait! … Wait a minute! Are you saying what I think you're saying?"
"Depends… [Shrugs]
"Xena…"
"OK… I may not have a solid amount of certainty of where we are…"
"WHAT?! You mean you don't know where we are? WE'RE LOST?!"
"NO! I mean… Technically, [Pause] yes."
"Sweet Mother of…Grrr!"
Part Two
After a LONG journey, the two adventurers need to rest. And for that, nothing better than a soothing and relaxing bath, in order to purify both mind and body.
"See Gabrielle… Told you we weren't far…"
[Glares and pokes her] "I swear that if you do something like that once more, I'll…"
"You'll what? Beat the hell outta me with your wiggly witlle staff?" [Laughs]
"Don't underestimate me, Xena…" [Mischievously grins]
[Faking surprise] "Oh… can't wait… C'mon, in the meanwhile make yourself useful and gimme a nice backwash, will ya?"
"Fine…" [Starts at shoulders]
"No no, a lil' bit lower… A bit more… There!"
"Here?" [Devilishly grins]
"Oh yeah…[Satisfaction all over her face] Ya know, you have a natural knack for that, did you know?"
"Well, you're not the only one here with many skills…"
[Xena turns around] "Really?" [Challenging]
"Really." [Defiant]
"Why, you little…" [Splashes heard off cam as well as giggling]
Part Three
After the earned rest of the warriors, the two friends decide to enjoy the country life as well as Nature's pleasures; therefore, they start some outdoor activities that bring joy and happiness.
"Wow! Never thought that fishing was THIS fun!"
[Smirks] "Gabrielle, there are many things that you don't think to be much fun and actually are…"
"Excuse me?! Such as?"
"Huh… Well…"
"Yes?"
"Fishing?"
"You're not helping your cause…" [Grins]
[Xena puts some lost puppy eyes] "Does this help?"
"A little…" [Gabrielle smirks] "Listen, all I'm saying is that I happen to be a very open-minded person."
"Really? How far?"
"As far as I can think of. Hey, I'm here with you, Xena, Warrior Princess, the once dark and evil warlord! Want a bigger proof?"
[Suddenly Xena's struck with an idea and sticks her rod on the soil, looking seriously at Gabrielle] "Yep. Come with me." [Grabs Gabrielle by one arm]
"What?"
"Just come!"
"But now? The fish are biting!"
"No, they're not and yes, now!" [She sticks Gabrielle's rod in the soil too]
"For what?"
[Xena grins mischievously] "To test that open-mindedness of yours…" [She drags Gabrielle along]
"But Xen… My fishing rod…"
"Oh yeah, by the way… [Xena stops facing Gabrielle really close] You're lousy at holding a fishing rod…" [Xena shoots her a cheshire grin]
"Oh…[Gabrielle gets the hint] Oh! Well, in that case let's hope I'll pass that test of yours…"
"Right back atcha!" [Giggles, off cam]
Part Four
After enjoying Mother Nature's pleasures and some of the physical activities that completely satisfy Xena's sporting naturem (cough, cough…) they're on their way again, canoeing down the river. Gabrielle starts daydreaming how a warm, nice and soft bed would feel right about now. Plus, some rest is always welcome after… fishing.
"Know something Gabrielle? It wouldn't hurt you if you rowed too! Makes now a quarter candle mark now that we don't move from the same spot…"
"Me tired, can't row, sleep bed…"
[Smirks, self-satisfyingly, then serious] "Well, I don't wanna be here for lil' fish bedtime stories. So you better move and row and don't stop till we get to shore! Got that, Blondie?"
[Gabrielle glares]
Part Five
Once the effort is over and some breaths are regained, the two friends argue with each other for some lame reason (like who's fault it was that someone's offspring killed someone else's offspring and whatnot...) and soon start throwing dirty rags at each other, faster than speeding bullets. Xena gets out of control and whacks out Gabrielle's beautiful face with a mean right hook.
"Oh Gabrielle… I'm so sorry! I… I didn't mean to do that."
[Gabrielle still holding her jaw]
" You know that I do not like to get to these extremes, but then there are times I can't avoid it"
"Well, next time, before you actually do it, send word. Might help…"
"Aww, I'm sorry, 'kay? It wasn't on purpose." [Smiles at her]
"Kay." [They embrace]
Part Six
For reconciliation, Xena proposes some skinny dipping. Gabrielle quickly forgets her sore jaw – that however still hurts a bit – thanks to the perspective of being with her long-last life partner in the middle of the aquatic environment, nest of such good memories.
"Listen Gabrielle, I really want to apologize myself for what happened a while a go… You know I'd never hurt you."
"It's okay, I'll live." [While backwashing Xena]
"Good. Huh Gab, can I ask you something?" [Xena scratches head]
"Sure, anything."
"Why do you always backwash me with only one hand? What do you do with the other?"
[Gabrielle looks like a deer caught in the headlights]
Part Seven
During their ablutions, a wicked villain (what a redundancy!) takes possession of Xena's mysteroous weapon: the Chakram! And the horrible character starts developing evil plans…
"AH AH AH! At last! Now I can finally rule over… something… With this I'll shall make my evil plans true… wherever they are… So much to do and so little time… Personal memo: buy a sun watch."
Part Eight
In the meanwhile, the infamous evil-doer decides, for no reason whatsoever, to look into the Chakram's hole. And before his eyes a fascinating spectacle takes place: Xena, dances for him, only in her undergarments with movements as sensuous and tantalizing as deadly dangerous to bewitch him.
The vile and despicable character is in fact being held hostage of the Chakram power, unknown just until now. This last one creates an illusion (if you're stupid enough to look through it…) and Xena takes advantage of this moment, attacking the villain.
"A-HA! You've fallen in my magic Chakram deadly trap! Now, I'm gonna make some calamari a La Greek outta you!"
Part Nine (conclusion)
Once the battle is over, after such violence, Xena gets out pretty satisfied and returns to the water, to her companion. This last one, more quiet and perhaps –who knows?- in love, is relieved that her warrior princess is safe and sound. However Xena seems worried…
"Gabrielle, I'm not sure that I'm through with that guy. He might show up on the next episodes. Hmmm… nah he wouldn't dare. "
"Huh?"
"Are you listening?"
"Uh, yeah! Wouldn't dare."
"Good."
"Xena?"
"Hmm?"
"I think the water is getting chilly."
"Oh, OK. Let's get dry and have something to eat." [They start getting out of the water.]
"Xena? Can I ask you something?"
"Sure, shoot."
"Uh… I was wondering… Can you do that dance thing again?"
THE END