Author's Note: Hi there! The name's OwlishEyesAndAvidQuill :D OvO (*hoot*). So, this is an extremely angst-laden - and not to mention short - One-Shot about what went through Mello's mind when he learnt about Matt's horrific and untimely death (*sobs and remembers*). Matt, you're still missed today XO I've been toying with an idea for this for a while - and it's certainly not the best FanFic in the world, but I'd love to hear what you think. I enjoyed writing it, in a wistful kind of way... 'Till next time then, I suppose... :)

JUST ONE MOMENT:

If there was anything I could've done, I would've done it.

If I had known… If I'd…

Choking back tears. I haven't done it in years but right now I feel like that child I once was, that little kid who was always desperate for some attention – whether it was negative or positive.

But someone was always there to listen.

He was always there, in more ways than one. And I never got to tell him so. I'd felt miserable, in turmoil, even shameful – but now I can see how easily we fit together, like a piece of Near's puzzle – no, not at all like Near's puzzle, we've never been like that, we were more like the broken, irregular missing pieces finding each other, once part of a matching set but determined to strike out on our own, still ultimately bonded together and strong.

I've never got to confess to him just how important he was to me, the complicated feelings I experienced whenever I thought about him, saw him or even just heard his name.

One syllable – one word. Matt.

That word is tattooed onto my heart.

Oh, dear god, Matt, I'm so sorry.

And now – only now – do I feel ready to tell him everything, how much he means to me. I place my head in my handsbecause I just can't take it, I'm going to shatter, I'm going to break.

They've freaking killed Matt.

My Matt.

I never told you that I loved you, Matt! Never! AND WHY? Why the hell not? It could've been so simple for us, but I fucked it up didn't I, because I'm Mihael Keehl, Mello, always second-best. All my life was about was me, me me, and occasionally L, my foolish obsession. He was who I aspired to be - yet trying to be like him always brought out the worst in me. You were always the best part of me, my one redeeming feature to be cherished and celebrated. I was always focused on Near, when I could have been there for you like you deserved; I made YOU second-best, I dragged you down with me, made you listen to me whine and bitch and vent my jealous hatred. You changed my life, and I haven't realised that amazing fact until right now, right here because I thought you were always going to be there.

For once I feel no bloodlust; no desire for revenge. Only the crushing grief and the hurt – and the dark.

You were the one who kept me going, kept me strong and fighting no matter what. I can pull through anything if you're by my side, I need you. I'm yours, I would do anything to you, I belong to you. You're - you're dead. But even in death, you take my breath away. Even in death, you've stolen away my heart! It's killing me, it's killing me., and I can't take it anymore. I want to join you! I want to be with you always! I want us to be together again, even if it is in death.

I just need a moment to remember you. To say sorry. To appreciate and respect you like you so obviously deserved. To throw my arms around your neck, to kiss your lips, to stroke your flaming red hair, to tell you just how much I love you and always will...

...but for now, I will let the tears fall.

I love you, Matt.