Disclaimer: The following is a fan-written parody. Urusei Yatsura is property of Rumiko Takahashi, Studio Deen, Shogakukan, Viz Media, and AnimEigo. Support the official release, or don't… because holy shit.
Sensei
A Urusei Yatsura Story
Chapter 1/?
|Green Eyed Monster|
A new monster had appeared in the vicinity of Tomobiki High School, a neighborhood already plagued by strange and awful forces both demonic and downright alien to the world altogether. This creature, however, was especially ominous–a dark and mysterious fiend that lurked in shadows and called out to young women as they passed it. In almost every circumstance, the woman it called out to fled in terror, driven off by its dark presence.
Tomobiki High School student Miyake Shinobu was the latest to see it. The pretty, brown-haired and dark-eyed girl had been just walking home from another exhausting day of class, when her itinerary took her past a dark alleyway, from which she heard a voice beckon from the shadows.
"You there, young lady in the sailor fuku."
When she turned towards her accoster, she was frightened by the sight that sat in the shadows. A disheveled, misshapen figure among the garbage cans, looking at her through unruly ink-black hair with piercing green eyes that appeared to glow all on their own. At the very sight of the monster, she recoiled with a fright, stepping away from it as it shifted towards her, as if crawling along the ground.
"Would you like to experience Heaven?" The creature asked her.
Miyake Shinobu reacted as she was well-known to do: Picking up a garbage dumpster over her head, she screamed and threw it at the creature, smashing it flat underneath the hundreds of kilograms worth of metal, before running off while shouting about a pervert.
By the next morning, her harrowing encounter had become the talk of the school, when she regaled her classmates of the incident during study break.
"… It was so chilling!" She admitted to her classmates. "I couldn't see all of his face, but I could definitely see his eyes, they were like a cat's… staring into me, through me. I felt like if I stayed there any longer, he was going to kill me!"
"How awful!" One of the random girls in the class said with a shiver.
Another girl agreed. "Makes my skin crawl and I wasn't even there."
Shinobu sighed. "Worse still, even though I threw a dumpster at him, I could still feel his eyes on me as I fled. Even when I got home. Even when I went to bed." She shivered herself. "Even right now."
Luckily for her it wasn't the gaze of her accoster she felt, it was just the gaze of another classmate of hers, her infamous ex-boyfriend, and unluckiest man in the world–who pulled her into a tight embrace.
"There, there, Shinobu, I'm here to protect you," Moroboshi Ataru said as he twice lightly patted the small of her back with one hand, just low enough to make it clear the third pat was going to land much lower. "No pervert's going to lay a finger on you while I'm aro-"
As Ataru lay embedded in the ceiling of the classroom after her uppercut, Shinobu shook her head. "I think he might still be out there. Lying in wait, looking for helpless girls like me."
If it wasn't obvious by this point, girls in Class 2-4 of Tomobiki High School weren't actually helpless. Shinobu in fact could boast she was number three most dangerous girl in the entire school. Were she the sort to consider it a boast.
Directly in front of Shinobu was a vibrant and saccharine girl with hair pink as cotton candy named Ran, who was rather taken by the ominous incident.
"Ooh! It sounds like an Earth horror movie!" Ran, an alien from a far-off world who transferred to Tomobiki despite her attractively human appearance, found herself rather excited by the prospect of a creepy monster running around. She was actually the fourth most dangerous girl in the entire school.
Number two was seated at her desk adjacent to Shinobu, a girl in a boy's uniform who looked the part of the perfect tomboy or extremely effeminate late 70s shounen hero. Fujinami Ryuunosuke huffed in disinterest at the idea as opposed to Ran's excitement. "Feh, that's nothing to get excited about. A guy creeping on girls with killin' intent is worse than any ol' pervert. He might be a bona fide serial killer."
That made Shinobu's chill even worse. "A S-Serial Killer?"
"A serial killer? That sounds absurd. Why would a person want to kill television shows?" That sounded like an incredibly ignorant thing to say, but one could forgive the inquirer as she was also an alien from another planet. The Iridescent-haired, yellow-horned, and blue-eyed beauty was also the most dangerous of the girls in Tomobiki High School: Lum Invader.
Ryuunosuke rolled her eyes. "A serial killer is a guy who kills a buncha people because it satisfies some kind of base need in his messed up head, Lum. They're pretty gruesome people."
Shinobu shivered. "Yeah, they're really scary, because you can never tell if a person could be one until it's too late."
"Then the next thing you know, they become violent and crazy and something terrible happens to you," Ryuunosuke said for added dramatic effect.
Ataru fell from the ceiling, landing on the reclining Ryuunosuke's lap to wrap his arms around her. "Well I guess you can count me as safe, I'd never lay a finger on a pretty girl!"
Ataru this time crashed into the wall between two of the classroom windows, kicked by Ryuunosuke as she shouted, "You're a different kind of monster!"
It was amidst this slapstick and discussion, that a tall, handsome young man waded into the discussion. The class representative of Class 2-4 and multibillionaire dreamboat of Tomobiki High School Mendou Shuutaro was as moved and disturbed by word of Shinobu's plight as anyone else.
"The fact of the matter, however, is that there was a vile predator who sought to assault one of our own," he declared, "For the safety of our school and our community, something must be done to deal with this alleged creep. Yesterday, he accosted Shinobu-san, today it could be any other girl, and tomorrow, it could be Lum-san!"
He turned to Lum, taking her hands in his. "I swear by the honor of the Mendou Family, that I will give my life to protect you, Lum-san."
Ryuunosuke folded her arms behind her head. "Man, doncha think this is something the police should handle?"
Everyone looked at the tomboy girl as if she'd just turned into an actual boy.
"In a town where Moroboshi is free to stalk the streets at will?" Mendou asked. "We must accept that law enforcement has abandoned Nerima and all the neighborhoods within, and forge our own destinies and rule of law."
Ataru fell upon Mendou with a mallet, conking him one good. "What did you mean by that free to stalk the streets comment, Mendou?!"
A flash of steel signalled the end of the mallet, but the blade itself came to an abrupt stop between Ataru's palms as he caught it with a loud clap. Holding the katana in his steel grip, Mendou glared at Ataru. "I mean that you're not in a zoo where you belong, you animal!"
"I do not belong in a zoo!" Ataru protested as he tried to snatch the sword from Mendou's grip.
"You're right, you might attack the gorillas!"
"I wouldn't give your family the time of day!".Ataru then stopped. "Well, your sister yes, but-"
Mendou became furious. "BASTARD!"
Shinobu forcefully grabbed both young hot-blooded men and wrenched them apart. "Could you not fight? Mendou-san is right, though, we can't expect to rely on the authorities to do something about this creep."
"That is why I propose," Mendou said as he put his blade away, "That this evening we organize escorts for all of the young women home safe."
Almost half the girls in class who held little importance in the day to day shenanigans at Tomobiki High School gravitated over to Mendou, eyes sparkling, hands clasped in front of them, and all of them hoping and wishing for the handsome class representative to escort them. Shinobu was among this crowd, having easily muscled her way over to him. The other half of the girls all assembled around Ryuunosuke, much to the tomboy's chagrin.
"What the…? Hey, I'm not a boy!" She said with no small indignation.
"Well yeah, but you're stronger than all the boys," one girl pointed out.
"Yes, we'd feel way safer with you than with Mendou-san or…" All the girls in this particular group turned disgusted looks over towards Ataru, who was looking rather bereaved.
"Hey, girls, I'd be happy to guard your bodies!" Ataru tried to plea, only to have one in particular take up that offer–to his chagrin.
"Oh Darling! I know I can count on you!" Lum said as she hugged his arm and gave him a loving look. The iridescent-haired, blue eyed beauty's cooing was met with disgust from Ataru.
"… If anything, people need protection from you." Ataru snapped back, earning Lum's smoldering ire that turned into an inferno of rage when Ran swooped in and hugged his other arm.
"Kya! Darling! Protect me from that awful monster!" Ran cried out, before giving Lum a nasty look. "And the serial killer, too."
Ataru smiled to Ran brightly. "Sure thing, Ran-CHAAAAAAAAAAAAA-!"
Both he and Ran screamed as Lum immediately delivered the equivalent to a military-grade taser's worth of volts into their bodies. As the two danced and jerked around to Lum's electrical impulses, Ryuunosuke inwardly shook her head and sighed.
A stranger who only seemed to be after women, huh?
|Heaven's Feel|
The day passed on with a smattering of the routine silliness going on, which gave way to after school. The rowdy students of Tomobiki High School went about their business organizing the walk homes for the female students of the school. This of course led to Mendou having to call upon some professionals to help escort the vast majority of the school's female population home. Such a thing wasn't a big deal to the man whose family owned just over half of Japan.
Of course, his initial zeal had been aimed at being able to escort Lum places, leaving Shinobu–who had already lost one boyfriend to that obnoxious alien–feeling burned as she brooded outside the school, waiting for someone to walk her home.
Her salvation came in the form of Ryuunosuke, the tomboy walking over with book bag in hand, looking a bit annoyed over all the girls who kept asking her for walks home. It's not like she didn't want to help anyone, it's just that she knew why the girls wanted her to walk them home and it did not do her feelings any good, especially after the week she'd been having.
"Shinobu," Ryuunosuke said as she approached the girl, "You ain't leave yet?"
"Mendou-san had set aside some men to escort me home but they haven't shown up." The girl explained.
"He ditched you eh?" The tomboy asked with a sympathetic expression. "Well since we're going the same way, I'll fill in for him. Sides, I wanna catch this serial killer myself." She cracked her knuckles in confidence.
Shinobu, though still a bit upset, felt safer walking with Ryuunosuke anyway. "Well ok, I think we might be able to take it down."
Ryuunosuke grinned with overconfidence. "We got this, so let's go."
The plan decided, the pair departed from school, headed towards Shinobu's house. Murmurs abounded as they made their way through the neighborhood, mostly from idle gossips with nothing better to do but speculate on the lives of other. At least no one bothered to say it directly to them.
"Ho, lookit at the cute couple! On a date are ya?"
No one except extremely annoying, short, and ugly monks who didn't know how to mind their own damned business. Though Cherry was an exception to far too many rules of politeness.
Ryuunosuke sighed. "Cherry, we're not on a date and we're not a couple. There's a killer on the loose and someone needs to catch him."
"I was accosted by him yesterday and barely escaped with my life." Shinobu added.
"Not a couple?!" Cherry said, ignoring everything said because that's just how it went it seems. "Why not? A beautiful girl like her and a handsome boy-" Whatever else he was going to say was lost as he went sailing away from being kicked incredibly hard.
"I'm a girl, damn it!"
"That won't keep him away for long," Shinobu sighed. "That old monk pops up just when you least want him around. Nice punt, though."
Ryuunosuke could only sigh in annoyance. "Well, do you remember where you saw this creep at? Not the monk, the other guy."
"Just a few blocks up ahead, actually, around the vacant lot Cherry likes to hang out," Shinobu replied.
Ryuunosuke nodded, and looked ahead. As they continued on in silence, Shinobu noticed that Ryuunosuke seemed especially tense about something, which was par for the course really–a girl raised in her situation was always a ball of tension.
"So I guess you're staying over at Ataru's another night?" She asked the tomboy.
"Yeah, I still can't stand to look my old man in the eye," Ryuunosuke replied with a sulk.
Shinobu shook her head. "How can you even stand to be over there? With him?"
"His Mom's super nice to me… and Lum and Jariten both keep him from perving on me, so it's not bad."
She glowered. "Even with Moroboshi perving on me… it's better than staying at home with that bastard!"
Shinobu sighed and rested a consoling hand on Ryuunosuke's shoulder. For a girl under already tremendous amounts of emotional strain from a father who insisted that he was a boy, the latest stunt her father pulled was just too much–messing with her feelings about her mother!
"Well if you get sick of being at Ataru's you can come stay at my house," Shinobu assured her. "It wouldn't be a problem."
Ryuunosuke managed to smile at her friend, and laughed a bit. "Thanks, Shinobu."
It was as they passed the very same alleyway that Shinobu had encountered the monster before–the dumpster still embedded in the ground where she dropped it–Ryuunosuke's smile faded and she grew alert. Shinobu immediately drew closer to her, but raised her fists close to her chest, on alert to anything strange.
Ryuunosuke looked around, all of her senses open for any sort of attacker. Although she was the number two most dangerous girl in the school, that was only by virtue of not being able to fly or shoot lightning from her body. Remove that handicap, and she was stone cold the strongest fighter in the entire school, bar none.
And still that didn't save her from Ataru suddenly glomping her from behind. "BOO!"
Retaliation came quickly, however, as the shrieking tomboy punched Ataru into the side of the dumpster. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"
"I have a list at home, but it'll take a few hours to read," Shinobu said with a glower.
Ataru, showing his bizarre durability, hoisted himself up and smiled. "I saw a couple of girls goin' home alone so I decided that I'd escort them as per Mendou's wishes!"
"You, doing something Mendou suggested?" Ryuunosuke asked.
"Yeah it makes me sick to my stomach," Ataru zipped right over between the two girls and looped his arms around their waists to rest his hands upon their hips. "How about we stop and get parfaits on the way, my treat?"
As appealing as someone paying for treats for them was, Ryuunosuke and Shinobu both were much more taken by the idea of punching Ataru as hard as they could. Before they could, however, a chill ran through all three of them before a voice spoke out.
"You there, the young lady in the boy's uniform."
For Ryuunosuke, that chill became a jolt, and she immediately forgot about Ataru to find the voice. She turned towards the dumpster, and immediately saw what Shinobu did–a figure wrapped in shadows, crouched atop the dumpster, looking down at the three of them… but his glowing green eyes were focused specifically upon her.
"He called me… a young lady…!" She thought to herself, shocked.
"Would you like to experience Heaven?" He asked.
Shinobu, now much more confident with Ryuunosuke backing her up (and the option to throw Ataru at the monster), stepped up. "That's him!"
Ataru stopped hugging on both girls, and stared at the figure. "Wait, this is the guy?"
Shinobu nodded. "Yes, this is him! The man who accosted me!"
Ryuunosuke, still shaken that the thing recognized her as female, quickly regained her composure and assumed a fighting stance. Even Ataru grew more serious upon confirmation that this was the monster in question.
"Listen pal, if there's something I don't like, it's anyone who preys on pretty girls!" He warned as he stepped up, looking bold. "If you want to prey on anything, go find a crazy annoying alien with horns and weird-colored hair and start a mess with her!"
The figure rose from its crouching position, revealing itself to be much taller than its appearance suggested–though not terribly taller than any of them. It then stepped off the dumpster and further into the light, revealing a man's shape albeit wrapped in a rain poncho.
"Good grief," the man said, "If I wanted to mess with any of the alien freaks I would've bothered them. No, I'm looking for a specific human woman…"
Ryuunosuke hesitated again. "A human woman?"
"Well you're about to get more than you can handle!" Shinobu declared. "Ryuunosuke, let's go!"
Ryuunosuke snapped out of her daze and nodded. "Right!"
They both shot forward towards the man in the rain poncho, both winding up for punches that would assuredly put this creep way over the horizon. When they fired them, his hands shot from under plastic material of the poncho, catching their fists and stopping their attacks cold.
Both girls shocked, stared at the calloused hands that caught their punches so effortlessly.
"You've got a good arm, trash girl," he said to Shinobu, "But you're just not what I'm looking for at all."
With that he grabbed Shinobu by the wrist, and with a mighty swing, sent the girl flying skyward like her punches did Ataru so many times.
"EEEEEK-!" Shinobu screamed as she went through the air of the alley and over the fence it ended at, crashing into some tree tops beyond it.
Ryuunosuke recoiled in horror away from the man. "Sh-Shinobu!"
Ataru was stunned as well, and no small amount of furious that a guy would toss away a girl like that, especially Shinobu! "Hey, you have a lot of nerve!"
The man looked over to Ataru, green eyes glinting through his mess of hair. "And I'm definitely not interested in young men; get out of here."
Ryuunosuke had gotten over her shock, lashing out with a kick powerful enough to shatter a brick wall. "Bastard!"
The kick sheared through the poncho, right as Ryuunosuke felt a hand on her head from a man vaulting over her. Turning fast, she attempted to strike him with an uppercut but only missed the blow, only parting the ink-black hair of a clearly foreign man wearing a pair of faded black jeans and a black jean jacket over a gray t-shirt.
"That's very good." The man said, nodding his head.
It was about then that Ataru attempted to conk him over the head with a mallet, only for the weapon to be caught in the man's hand. He looked back at him, a very disappointed expression on his face.
"I'm not one of your punchlines, buddy." He said before he kicked Ataru in the stomach. As Ataru bounced off a passing truck and back towards him, the man easily blocked or deflected Ryuunosuke's punches and kicks before leaning back to dodge a high kick aimed for his chin–that instead connected with Ataru's and sent him back again, hitting and bouncing off the side of another passing truck.
"Stay still damn it!" Ryuunosuke hollered as she punched him again.
The man avoided the swing, which connected with the returning Ataru's face, dropping him into a heap on the ground. "Come on, you have to actually earn a hit on me."
That did the trick of getting her to redouble her efforts, really pushing herself to knock this creep into next week. Even then, as she could feel the air shoved forcibly by her blows, it seemed like a hopeless effort. The man was just a little faster than her, able to outpace her blows and avoid a connect.
"You're very good for a girl with no actual training under her belt." The man congratulated her, before catching another one of her punches and deciding to hit back, delivering a quick punch to her liver that sent a wave of pain washing over her.
"Guh!" She staggered back and doubled over, her arms quickly dropping down to cover where she was struck. He had struck her so hard! "W-what the…?!"
She looked up at this guy, her body shaking from both pain and the realization that she was suddenly alone up against someone who could not only hurt her, but was much, much better than her in a fight. Though she knew she couldn't win it didn't make her afraid. It made her-
"But unbridled anger is no substitute for skill," he taunted.
Ryuunosuke was offended by the very idea. "Anger?! What do you know about me?!" She yelled, grabbing a broken piece of wood and tossing it at the guy, rushing after it with his other fist ready to fly.
The man flawlessly twisted around the wood projectile, and drove a kick like a rifle shot straight into her chest. Not hard enough to knock her back, but exactly hard enough to stop her charge cold in its tracks. He lowered his leg, and Ryuunosuke dropped to her knees, arms now crossed over her chest as she rested her forehead on the ground. That hurt, that hurt more than anything else she ever felt. How could anyone move that fast? It was like he could predict her moves…!
"I am predicting your moves," he said. "You fight like just about every girl in your school. Hitting with all of your power, knocking a guy out as fast and far as possible. No skill. No finesse. Sloppy, clumsy, brutal. All you know how to do is swing your fists like a hammer."
He walked up to her, knelt down and yanked her up onto her feet. Ryuunosuke was having trouble. She was breathing, but it was like her diaphragm had been knocked out of whack by the blow, forcing her to take in air in great, desperate gulps.
"How bad do you think it would get if you met a monster who knew how to fight?" He asked her. "Who could take your hits, and hit back just as hard? Harder? Sounds like you'd go through hell."
"Wait…!" Ataru then said as he slowly rose, heroically to his feet
"Excuse me," the man said quietly to Ryuunosuke as she still laboured to breathe.
Ataru managed to get onto his feet, and immediately began to posture heroically. "… The only person who is going to go through hell is-!"
The man grabbed him by the collar and tossed him away with a single hand, as though he was throwing a tennis ball. He seemed to put about as much effort into it. Ataru went sailing in the same direction Shinobu had been tossed, and fell in thereabouts the same spot.
"As I was saying," the man dusted off his hands, returning his attention to Ryuunosuke. "Who wants to go through hell, when you can go to Heaven?"
"What… what is Heaven…?" Ryuunosuke desperately demanded. It seemed the only action she could take to stall for time, maybe think of something she could do.
The man smiled, rather ominously. "You want to see?"
On the other side of the fence, Shinobu opened her eyes. She was lying in another dumpster, the bags of garbage she had landed having burst open, leaving her covered in filth… but that wasn't the worst part. The worst part was that Ataru was in the trash with her, his face lodged firmly into her behind. He was barely conscious, but that made it no less awful.
"Uuuh… Lum… you're so soft…" He moaned in his daze.
Before Shinobu could even wonder how it could get worse it did, with Lum inadvertently zapping her when she spotted Ataru from on high and chose to punish him then and there without concern to collateral damage. In point of fact, there may not even be a good way to express "collateral damage" in the Oni dictionary.
"I'm really sorry, Shinobu," Lum seemed almost actually contrite after that, but finding her romantic rival for her darling in the garbage after all of that was rather satisfying.
"I'm sure you are," Shinobu harped back at Lum with all of her indignation.
"What did I do…?" Ataru moaned as he tried to clamber out of the dumpster, before he remembered. "Oh crap, Ryuu-chan!"
That snapped Shinobu right out of her anger too. That maniac was alone with Ryuunosuke! "The serial killer!"
Lum herself grew alarmed. "What about him?"
"He wanted Ryuunosuke!" Shinobu pointed over the fence. "Back over there!"
Lum looked back in that direction. "There was no one there, I flew in from that way."
Shinobu grew pale. "Oh no, he must've taken her!"
Ataru got up, his attitude shifted entirely to focused and… dare even Shinobu say it, determined. "Lum, Shinobu, we have to find and rescue her, before it's too late!"
"Darling!" Lum gasped, shocked.
"We can't take him on alone, he tossed me like I was nothing, and he stopped one of Ryuunosuke's punches!" Shinobu pointed out.
Ataru closed his eyes and nodded. "We're going to need help, real help." He opened his eyes, giving Lum a fiery look. "I don't care whatever they're doing, Lum! Call Oyuki and Benten, they'll be more firepower than we'll ever need!"
Lum was downright struck by Ataru's decisiveness. "Y-you're right!"
"With them around, there shouldn't be any problem," he said before he added with a perverted smile while stroking his chin, "Plus, it's been so long since I've seen either of those beauties-"
"YOU ARE THE WORST HUMAN BEING!" A furious Shinobu screamed as she punted Ataru into the air for Lum to hit with an especially powerful zap. Because even at his best, Ataru was still the worst.
|Girl looks like a Lady|
To the distress of all of her friends and admirers, however, the search for Ryuunosuke that night came up with nothing. She had vanished off the face of the Earth, and with having zero social media footprint (her father didn't even own a cell phone) there was no way of knowing how to find her or where to even look. This of course led to a very tense atmosphere the very next morning, as Ataru, Lum, and Shinobu met with their classmates.
"I see…" The handsome and now very grim Mendou lamented as he stood in the schoolyard, his arms folded across his chest. "My forces were unable to locate her as well, or any sign of the killer."
He turned away from Ataru, who was brooding, and Shinobu, who was about ready to cry. "It is a tragedy, but we mustn't give in to despair. Ryuunosuke's a strong woman, she must still be alive somewhere."
"Trapped, with a perverted murderer…" Shinobu said.
Ataru clenched his fists. "But she's in his clutches, there's no telling what kind of tortures he could be subjecting her to!"
His expression of frustration darkened as images of horrific torture flashed in his mind, before the images became something less horrific to him–but no less horrifying to Shinobu, Lum, and Mendou as his expression softened to one of intrigue, then one of lustful awe complete with drool running from his mouth.
"Darling, what are you imagining…?" Lum calmly asked as she grabbed her fiancé's wrist and began to consecutively zap him.
"Nnnnnnoooooothhiiiiiiiiing…!" Ataru lied as the electricity coursed through his body.
Shinobu shook her head in disgust. "Sometimes I wonder if he's come to enjoy it…"
"Death is too good for you, Moroboshi…" Mendou seethed. "Thinking such lewd thoughts when our comrade, our friend, our classmate is in mortal peril! Do you have an ounce of shame inside your wretched being?"
The question was entirely rhetorical at this point, because everyone by this point knew that he didn't.
"Who's thinking lewd thoughts about my son?!" Shouted one of the few people who could not only be as wretched as Ataru on a bad day but also overall managed to be worse than him. The father of Fujinami Ryuunosuke had emerged from his home inside the school, where he and his child ran its store.
Ataru rolled his eyes. "You know Ryuunosuke's not here for you to hear it."
Old Man Fujinami snorted. "So what has my foolish boy gotten himself into this time?"
"She's been kidnapped by a serial killer!" Ataru shouted at him.
Fujinami snorted. "So?"
"So?!" Ataru repeated. "What part of serial killer don't you get?!"
"Um, I'm still having a little difficulty with this, darling!" Lum interrupted. "Is it really such a common thing here on Earth? There can't be that many of them."
"See? That sort of ignorance is exactly why guys like Jack the Ripper only targeted women," Fujinami nodded, as if spouting sage wisdom.
"So these serial killers are men who only kill women?" Lum asked, quite curious to hear the answer.
"Oh yes, some people just can't help picking on the fairer sex," Fujinami continued to bullshit.
"What about John Wayne Gacy?!" Mendou demanded.
"Who?" Both Fujinami and Lum said, the former revealing the ignorance overall while the latter immediately pulled out a smartphone (an Oni version, very advance. It could actually load full websites without lag!) and began to type in the name.
"Now I'm curious…" She murmured. "There must be more to this than you're all making it sound."
Ataru smacked Fujinami with a mallet. "It doesn't matter, man, woman, whatever! What's important is that our friend is in danger and we're just standing around talking about it! It's time for action!"
Mendou then stepped in to steal Ataru's thunder as his voice carried across the school yard, grabbing the ears of every student there. "Now is not the time for delay! We must band together!"
Ataru then pushed right back, not about to lose that thunder. "We have to save Ryuu-chan from that monster and we're not going to do it standing around here, bickering!"
Shinobu didn't know how to feel about those times where Ataru was right. She instead tried to ignore it and give the credit to Mendou. "Y-yes!"
"That's right!" Lum said in agreement as she put her phone away for the moment. "With my power to fly and technology, Shuutaro's leadership, wealth, and resources, Shinobu's strength, and darling…" She stopped at Ataru. "… And everyone cooperating, we can cover the entire town in minutes!"
"Right!" Shinobu said, drawing on a well of determination and guts. "So long as we work together, we'll be able to find and save her from that horrid man!"
"Lum, you flatter me," Mendou said, dripping with false modesty. "You say I have leadership skills when a few simple words from you has everyone this pumped up. Very well then! I shall rise to become a greater leader, still!"
"Not the highest bar to jump…" Ataru idly commented.
But instead of retaliating, Mendou shrugged. "Hmph. In a crisis like this, your words are as the buzzing of flies. For the sake of her life, we must band together and cast aside our differences! For once, Moroboshi! For once in your feeble insignificant life-"
"I thought we were casting aside our differences…"
"For one time, rise up and do something noble and courageous! If you won't do it for my sake, then do it for her! Think of the damsel in distress, and how we might rescue her!"
Everyone had their levers to pull, and Ataru's levers were big and obvious. The perverted boy rose to his feet with an unusually noble and determined expression upon his normally stupid looking face.
"I hate your guts, and you hate mine," he said to Mendou. "But for the sake of a friend, I'll put that aside for a little while. It's only the right thing to do. I'll admit you're better at organising this stuff than the rest of us, so you'd better do your best!"
"Oh, darling," Lum swooned.
"He's just trying to look cool to try and make the girls interested," Shinobu sighed, knowing Ataru and his thinking process far, far better than any healthy minded girl should. Why did she date him again? She was having trouble remembering.
"All right, then!" Mendou yelled. "You all have my phone number? Each of us shall take command of a team, and search a different quadrant of Tomobiki for any trace of our missing friend and the perpetrator! Should you see him then take care not to engage, and simply call in for immediate support! I shall direct Lum shall take the northeast quadrant, Shinobu the northwest, Moroboshi southeast, and the really cute girl in the sailor fuku that just walked in can take control over the southwest–I'm sorry miss, but what was your name?"
The indeed really cute girl in question, with short, dark brown hair and darker eyes standing by the gate to the schoolyard in the Tomobiki High school girl's uniform, looked around, just a touch nervously and pointed at herself as if wanting confirmation. When she seemed to get it, she felt suddenly in the spotlight, her face flushing nervously as she identified herself.
"Uh… it's me, Ryuunosuke? Hey guys? Whatcha… I mean… What are you all talking about? Is someone missing or something?"
The atmosphere couldn't have become more empty and still if someone had sucked all the air out of the schoolyard. They all looked at the girl in a mixture of disbelief, realisation and fascination. As in: Is this cute girl really Ryuunosuke? Couldn't be, but now that you mention it I kind of see it.
Well, not all of them had that reaction. The biggest jackass of them all–and that said something when considering a group of people which had both Ataru and Mendou in it–bounded up to the young girl, and everyone tensed up in anticipation as father peered at daughter, waiting for the inevitable explosion, the fight, the tearing of the skirt and replacing it with trousers and then, at the moment the tension was so thick you couldn't dent it with a power drill, Fujinami spoke up.
"What a coincidence! I have a son named Ryuunosuke!" he said. "The boy has run away from home for some stupid reason, and I haven't seen him for a few days. Keep an eye out for him and tell me if you see him!"
"Hi guys!" Ryuunosuke politely(!) said while grinding the heel of her foot on top of her father's head.
"That's really Ryuunosuke!" Shinobu said in shocked disbelief.
Half the boys in the schoolyard immediately dove to get a good angle on Ryuunosuke's careless upskirt - with half the girls slipping more casually by - and all of them let out a groan of disappointment when they got an eyeful of bike shorts instead of something more fun.
She stomped her foot a couple of times for good measure. "Whatcha all starin' at?"
Ataru, who was at the very forefront of the crowd who went to look up her skirt, was still quite happy to see bike shorts as well. "She's alive! And adorable!"
He was up on his feet, catching her in a tight hug. "I'm so glad to see you embracing your femininity, baby!"
Ataru went flying, uppercut by Ryuunosuke, who examined the sleeve of her uniform to make sure it wasn't damaged. "Yeah… I finally have my own sailor fuku. My very first dress!"
"Ryuunosuke!" Fujinami yelled, popping up like the weasel/cockroach hybrid he might as well be. "The shame of it! My son, a crossdresser! Don't you ever think of what you're doing to your dear old father? What would your mother say if she saw you like this?"
"I dunno," Ryuunosuke seethed. "For some reason, I can't picture that, 'cause I don't even know what she looks like. For. Some. Reason!"
There were winces all around Ryuunosuke's inner circle. The glaring reason she had left her father's company had been thrown right into his face.
"Is this your idea of revenge, then?" Fujinami asked. "Making yourself look stupid in public to spite me?"
"The only one making himself look stupid is right in front of me!"
Her Dad was holding a mirror in front of him.
Ryuunosuke kicked it up and out of his hands. Lum caught it to spare her the bad luck.
The elder Fujinami grew serious. "Well then, I will do what any caring father would and correct this behavior!"
He assumed a fighting stance and leveled an intense look at his child. His son. "I'm going to rip that embarrassing thing off you, my boy, and you're going to dress properly as a man!"
Ryuunosuke recoiled, before she assumed her own fighting stance. "The only way you're taking this sailor fuku off me is if you tear it from my cold dead body!"
Ataru suddenly appeared at her side, assuming his own fighting stance. "I'm ready to fight and die for your right to dress like a pretty girl, Ryu-chan!"
Mendou was immediately at her other flank, sword drawn. "Impure as your intentions are Moroboshi, you at least know when there is a proper battle to be fought!"
Ryuunosuke's expression brightened at the support… but then immediately dimmed a bit, once she realized there were quite a number of boys now gathered at her back that were looking less at the man they were supposed to be helping her fight and more at how her sailor fuku accentuated her femininity.
It was about then, that another person walked past the gates of the school. His arrival first catching Shinobu's attention, and causing her to let out a shriek that caused the entire commotion to draw to an abrupt halt.
"Shinobu-san!" Mendou asked, as the shocked girl pointed ahead, then looked in the direction indicated.
Ataru looked as well, and went rigid. When Lum and the other students turned, they were less startled and more confused at the new arrival. The only one who seemed to respond positively at all was Ryuunosuke, who looked back, and then brightened slightly.
|Sensei|
"It-! It's him!" Shinobu nearly screamed. "The killer!"
Indeed it was the killer that tossed both Shinobu and Ataru aside to get his hands upon Ryuunosuke. Rather than rough looking clothes, he was clean and dressed in a slate gray three-piece suit with a green plaid tie. The man's unruly black hair and beard had cleaned up, his hair slicked back and tied into a neat and long ponytail, his full beard now trimmed and silky. His green eyes, however, still had that same dangerous glint that shook Shinobu to her core.
"Killer?" He asked. "Ladykiller, maybe."
"Exactly!" Ataru shouted. "You're-!"
"The new English Teacher." And a bright light blinded everyone close to the man. It was the sunlight, glinting off a perfectly bald and polished head of Tomobiki High School's principal, whose otherwise completely bored and emotionless face scanned the schoolyard. "It's nice that all of you have come out here to greet him. Your youthful exuberance to meet him is something to be commended upon."
Ataru, who had donned sunglasses at the right moment, then spoke up. "What are you talking about?! He's been creeping on girls for days! He attacked us! He kidnapped Ryuunosuke!"
Of all people, it was Ryuunosuke who came to the man's defense. "He wasn't creeping! He was looking for young girls to take home and put through a vigorous workout!"
Silence fell right back on the schoolyard, an awkward one this time.
Ryuunosuke flushed quickly, then tried to reiterate. "He wanted to find girls to train."
It was as though everyone else had turned to stone, right there on the spot.
"Ryuu-chan, thoughts before words," the new teacher corrected.
Ryuunosuke bowed her head and sighed. "Let's try this again. He's a martial artist looking for students."
Shinobu stopped. "Wait, that's it?"
"Yeah," Ryuunosuke said. "He came off as a creep to try to bait me into fighting him so he could measure my ability. But he was a bit too creepy."
The man laughed rather boisterously. "Yeah, I put a little too much effort into it! Luckily though, I found what I was looking for anyway so, no harm no foul right?"
"Quite!" The Principal then interjected. "This is your school's new English Teacher, Nicholas Fontaine Sherman, he is an American who has come to teach as part of the JET program."
"Yo!" Nick said with a big smile. "I hope we can all get along."
He stopped, and then his expression shifted to one of surprise. Following the man's gaze, all eyes fell upon the elder Fujinami, whose expression had darkened as he glared with all of his hatred towards him.
"You…" He growled. "YOU!"
"Me?" Nick pointed at himself.
"You?" Ryuunosuke pointed at Nick.
"Him?" Ataru asked as the natural intensity of the elder Fujinami took a new and frightening shape.
A battle aura, red and malicious, suddenly wrapped itself around Ryuunosuke's Dad, who clenched and raised his fists as he aimed his anger at the man. "FONTAINE!"
Nick blinked, then recognition dawned upon him. "Oh! Fuji, is that-?"
The ground and a few students had been thrown up into the air by the force of the elder Fujinami's acceleration straight towards Nick, a fist raised to collide with his face. A bang sounded, as Fujinami seemed to go through Nick and, much faster from that point, crashed into the school's wall.
"Huh, I guess it is," Nick said as he glanced back. "By the way, it's Fontaine Sherman now, I got married, took the wife's name. She insisted."
"Dad, what the hell is wrong with you?!" Ryuunosuke screamed out, aghast.
"A great many things, apparently," Nick presumed. "Maybe it'd be better asking what's right?"
"Why are you here, you spawn of Satan's asshole?!" Fujinami growled, seemingly unfazed by his trip into the wall. Might be all the rage and adrenaline bursting through him at the moment.
"Had some business here again, namely the job I just got at this school." Nick said with a breezy tone and easy smile. "But I guess I'm just put on this Earth to ruin the shit of assholes like you."
"Dad, stop this!" Ryuunosuke yelled, knowing full well what her father was in for.
"Now now Ryuu-chan, some things just can't be avoided." Nick said, smiling a little. "Besides, he's probably going to keep at this until someone puts him down."
"I'm going to put you down!" Fujinami roared, a twisted aura of energy burning around him. "I should have done this years ago, when you-" He stopped suddenly, the aura guttering out before he crumpled to the dirt.
"Huh?" Ryuunosuke asked, having completely missed with it.
"What happened?" Shinobu murmured.
Nick, who no one was paying attention to, shrugged. "I punched him."
Ryuunosuke gasped, before she came over to flip her father onto his back. It was true, there was several small welts that showed a fist had struck him. "I didn't see it! Or even hear it."
"Not all punches are thrown with full power. The best punches you can throw are the ones that are guaranteed to end a fight."
"Which brings me to my next announcement," the principal spoke. "In addition to English class, Sherman-sensei is going to be leading an initiative to bring behavioral problems with certain students under control."
It was telling that the principal turned and loomed ominously over Ataru and Lum as he announced that.
"Faculty too, I hope," Ataru muttered in spite of failing the intimidation check.
"Should a faculty member get caught lurking around the girl's locker room and then zapped by their alien fiancée, they would have far worse to concern themselves with than Sherman-sensei."
"Huh," Ataru blinked. "When did you learn sarcasm?"
"Sarcasm?" the Principle replied. "What was I sarcastic about? I merely developed a ridiculous hypothetical."
He loomed a little more ominously, though depending on your point of view the effect was a trifle ruined by the gleam off his bald head or possibly amplified by it. "It's not as though we have a student here who, for example, one time made the news because they nearly caused the world's oil supplies to be stolen."
"Well then, I'm quite pleased this misunderstanding has been cleared up!" Mendou announced, seeming quite determined to return to being the centre of attention where he, in his own mind at least, rightly belonged. "And it also pleases to me to learn that the school has decided to finally take measures against those immature, troublesome elements that plague our time of learning!"
"B-But this creepy brute?" Shinobu protested. "Oh, Mendou! How can you say that after what he did to Ataru and me?" She seemed to stop for a moment to think that over. "Well, to me at least."
"Hrm…" Lum considered for a moment, tapping her chin and looking up at the sky in deep thought. "If this man is strong enough to force darling to behave, maybe he'll stop skirt-chasing…"
Ataru stuck his tongue out at her. "No man is that strong!"
There was a smile on Nick's face that suggested that he was accepting that challenge. Some might say Ataru had the worst luck in the world. The sensible people would say yes, but he really brings it on himself.
"As the new School Enforcer-" Oh he loved the ring to that… "-My first official announcement will be the creation of a new organization to deal with delinquents. As awesome as I am, I am not able to be everywhere at once. So we'll need people not just able to keep an eye on the troublemakers, but having the authority to act when necessary."
Mendou again tried to usurp the spotlight. "A splendid idea, Sherman-sen-"
Nick wasn't about to let the rich kid finish. "They will be henceforth known as the Crusaders, striving to take back order and restore dignity to the school!"
He then clapped a hand on Ryuunosuke's shoulder. "And my very first recruit and overall commander of the Crusaders will be Miss Fujinami here. She will help me determine who is best suited for the role of messengers of the school's wrath, while being a ready and capable one herself!"
Ryuunosuke recoiled a bit from the new teacher. "M-me?!"
Nick nodded. "That's right, my dear. You're the toughest fighter of the students, you're a shoo-in for the role of the number one rule enforcer."
"That's agreed," Mendou declared in an attempt to haul the spotlight in on himself. "And while we're at-"
"While I'm at it!" Nick smoothly overspoke him. "I'm going to be posting a list of potential Crusaders who will similarly enforce the rules."
Mendou was finally at his limit, quickly stepping up to Nick. "IS THERE A PROBLEM WITH LETTING ME SPEAK?!"
Nick stared impassively back at Mendou. "Actually, yes."
And the scion of the Mendou family went right into the wall next to where Fujinami lay, but made a much deeper impact in the wall. Nick lowered his hand. "The adults are speaking, and your money is no substitute for age."
Despite being notably tougher–and taking much less damage–than Fujinami, Mendou was a bit too slow getting back up.
"Mendou-kun!" Shinobu gasped, before she turned to Nick and Ryuunosuke. "This is too cruel! You can't just throw students around like this, and then demand your way!"
"Yeah!" Ataru agreed before railing more at the new teacher and the Principal who hired him.. "You're being a fascist! A dictator!"
"Hey kiddo, I'm just being a good teacher," Nick replied.
Ryuunosuke then looked up to Nick. "I don't know, maybe we're being a little heavy-handed?"
"You are!" Shinobu shouted in.
Nick nodded slowly. "Or… and hear me out on this, I am being proportionately forceful against a male student body whose numbers include a completely shameless pervert who is fine with physically forcing himself upon women at the first opportunity."
He looked pointedly at Ataru as he said this, and when he was done, everyone else in the schoolyard looked at him too.
"F-force? When did I…?" Ataru sputtered rather weakly.
"Oyuki," said Lum, who was suddenly angry now that she remembered that.
Ataru stopped and recollection came with no small amount of dread. "Oh."
"Wait, he did what?!" Ryuunosuke yelped in horror.
Shinobu had just remembered that too, and her stare at Ataru became a menacing glare. "Yeah, he did. And Oyuki's guardian ended up thrashing an entire neighborhood to get at him after."
Ataru looked around, and suddenly felt very small in a valley of his peers all glowering down upon him, their glares fueled by the reminder that Moroboshi Ataru was a shameless pervert, skirt-chaser, and idiot whose actions alone were more often than not responsible for the hardships that befell everyone else. He was a young man who deserved not pity, but scorn, the combined contempt of the entire universe.
He was the reason the aliens that invaded Earth hadn't gotten bored and left them alone. He was the reason for an unprecedented ecological disaster involving a literal rain of oil on Japan. He was the reason a yeti destroyed half the neighborhood. He was responsible… for so much.
Ataru realized that too, and grew even smaller in fear.
"Okay, I understand that I've made some mistakes but…" He tried to begin.
Nick whistled a bit. "Goodness, all this tension." He then had a great idea. "You know what? How about you all spend the next minute or so venting that, and reminding Moroboshi here exactly how you feel about him and all the things that have happened to you all because of him."
Ataru tensed up when he saw Nick's smile, that could only mean bad times ahead.
"I'll look the other way, just this once." He was right.
He hadn't even finished the sentence, when every student within ten feet fell upon Ataru like a human wave and proceeded to become a storm of kicks, punches, and headbutts–interrupted only by electrical zaps from Lum.
They managed to keep it to the minute, if only because hitting someone as hard as you could repeatedly tired you out. Even Lum was looking a little haggard from all the zaps. There was only the sound of heavy, angry breathing as everyone calmed down from their rage out.
"Feel better?" Nick asked with a smirk.
"A little," Shinobu admitted, finding the catharsis of pounding Ataru into the ground helped her tolerate the foreigner just a tad. Only just, she wasn't about to act like some whore out of GTO.
"I'm still not sure I should do this Chief Enforcer thing." Ryuunosuke admitted, though she was wanting to keep kicking Ataru.
"That uncertainty is why." Nick said, smiling for effect. "You'll get used to it, like wearing a girl's uniform."
Ryuunosuke looked down at her uniform, and then back up at Nick, before nodding. "Yes, sensei."
"Well, now that everyone is acquainted, we should all get along to class yes?" The Principal said serenely. "While play has its place in the growth of youth, it must be balanced by work to water the seeds of maturity."
The students, tired but rather satisfied by the result of their beating up the school's number one problem, began to file off inside. They left behind Shinobu and Lum–the latter of whom had gone back to reading about John Wayne Gacy–Mendou, and Ataru, who were both still unconscious along with the elder Fujinami.
"Oh… oh goodness…" Lum said in a mixture of horror and fascination. "I thought clowns were a silly harmless Earth tradition, I never imagined they were so horrible!"
"Is this really a good time to go on about clowns when we have these two already?" Shinobu asked of Ataru and the elder Fujinami.
"Don't worry about them," Nick said as he gathered up Ryuunosuke's Dad and Mendou, dragging them by the collars towards Ataru and draping them over him. "Long as I'm here, they won't be too much trouble."
He then went towards the school. "Now get to class, you two, and leave these guys out here so they can reflect on their attitudes."
Lum saw the pile of the three and frowned. "They're more likely to try to get revenge."
Nick smiled. "Good! I love a good challenge!" He turned to Ryuunosuke. "And you'll find that there's nothing more exciting than a challenge. Now then, come along, Ryuu-chan, there's still a lot to be learned."
Ryuunosuke gave one parting look at her father, and then fell into step with the new teacher up the stairs towards the school.
|The Wolf of Tomobiki|
When consciousness returned to Ataru, he was as confused as he was upset. "Why did everyone just jump me like that, when he was the creep who made off with Ryuu-chan?"
"Maybe it is because you are a beast of a human being beyond even my own understanding? Mendou growled at Ataru, he was awake too, as was the elder Fujinami… who was unusually quiet as he brooded a short distance away from the two of them.
"Oh, I thought you would be still be unconscious, Mendou," Ataru moaned. "Can we forget about the whole Oyuki thing? I was a different person then, I was young, stupid, she was wearing very little, we were alone together…"
Like lightning Ataru captured Mendou's sword between his hands, but the force of that blow was stronger and faster than before. "YOU ARE IRREDEEMABLE SCUM!"
"Et tu, shithead?!" Ataru snapped back. "Or are you trying to score brownie points off me like always?! Newsflash, no one's here to see you look good!"
"No! This time I'm trying to kill you because you are the worst human being to exist!" Mendou yelled.
"No one is worse… than that man."
Both Ataru and Mendou stopped and turned to see that Ryuunosuke's Dad standing a short distance away, smoking a cigarette and brooding dramatically, the smoke billowing around him as if forming a demon of half-remembered fury. The sight caused both young men to edge back, never seeing this kind of thing from the normally moronic school store shopkeeper.
While not even looking at them, he continued to speak. "No, in fact, Fontaine is an evil in a category all its own. You're nothing but young men, chasing skirts, getting into fights, having fun as young men ought to do. You'll grow up. You'll mature. You'll settle down eventually."
"I think you speak too highly of Morobos-" Mendou was clocked over the head by a mallet. Growling, he slowly turned towards Ataru, grip tightening on his sword.
Before the two could resume fighting, Fujinami took a drag from his cigarette, and blew out more smoke. "Fontaine is the man who never grew up. Hurting people is a game to him, ruining lives is fun, destroying everything he touches is how he gets his jollies."
Ataru and Mendou looked at each other, and then back at the elder Fujinami, this man was suddenly far too lucid for this to be normal.
Lowering the cigarette, he turned and looked at the boys. "You think I'm bad because of how I treat my son? I am Buddha reincarnated compared to him."
Okay, not entirely lucid.
The senior Fujinami took a final drag of his cigarette, then exhaled the smoke through his nose. "You boys need to stop your bickering and man up, you hear me? Man. Up." He clenched the cigarette in his fist. "Grit your teeth and prepare to take hits that'll kill a normal man… because there's a wolf stalking these streets, and he'll devour everything he can get his fangs in."
As smoke rose from between his fingers, he looked up at the school, prompting a somewhat worried Ataru and an attempting to look cool Mendou doing the same.
"… And he's started exactly the same way he did last time I crossed paths with him. Close to my heart."
A/N: Time for elite sidestory games. Enjoy your once a week dose of Urusei Yatsura fic. And in case none of this makes sense, go read my other story, for Ranma 1/2, Senpai.