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If Only in My Dreams

A One-Shot by Tifa Tyndal

Disclaimer: For the purpose of preventing any person/animal/alien-being from suing my person for the use of characters from the show Inuyasha I declare that I do not own nor think I own Inuyasha or the song I use. sigh. Only in my dreams...

Summary: Home for Christmas: not a possible feat for Kagome. How does one stand being "alone" during Christmas?

Spoiler Warning: None! Not really... I mean, as long as you've been introduced to Sango you've gotten far enough.

Author's Note and Cultural Reference: Just like my story "Dear Mrs. Higurashi" this story is a little misleading in the area of how the Japanese celebrate Christmas. Japanese Christmases are more like the U.S.A.'s Valentines Day (see my notes in "Dear Mrs. Higurashi"). However, just like "Dear Mrs. Higurashi" this fan fiction is patterned after a normal American Christmas. I apologize for any confusion.

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Kagome looked outside the cave at the snow-covered mountains. She had carefully kept track of dates and she knew it, it was Christmas Eve.

A tear escaped her eye as she thought of her family. Every Christmas Eve that she could think of she had spent with them. They would sit around and drink warm drinks and wrap the gifts they had carefully picked out. A big meal would be prepared and the house would fill with laughter. She couldn't do any of that; she couldn't go home. Inuyasha led them deep into the mountains on his search for Naraku and even if she started right then, Kagome knew she wouldn't make it there in time. Plus, she had a duty and she had to fulfill it. Even on Christmas.

Kagome glanced at her watch and estimated that her family was eating dinner right then. Sota was making jokes and trying to keep the secrets of the gifts he'd bought. He would beg Grandfather for a hint on his presents but Grandfather would just shake his head and say something about patience. The tree was carefully decorated she was sure and there were already a few beautifully wrapped gifts under it. The wrapping was slightly wrinkled from Sota's handling. There would be warm fuzzy feelings everywhere.

Oh, what I would give to see them right now, Kagome wished, staring at the dark sky. Christmas this year for her was non-existent. She hadn't been able to go home for weeks thus hadn't done any shopping or seen the Holiday decorations anywhere. She missed Christmas and wondered how many more she would miss before she was able to get home for Christmas. That was a sad thought and she tried to push it to a dark corner of her brain.

Kagome sighed and looked towards the direction she thought the well was and sang softly the American song she had learned the previous year. "I'll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams." This make her want to cry even more and after thinking about it decided that it would make her feel better and began frantically to look for a place far away enough to do it. She didn't want the attempted comfort of her friends or anyone to see her like she was. She spotted a much smaller cave a ways off and quickly ducked her head into the one her friends were in and said something akin to "I'll be back in a minute".

Relief flooded Kagome as she reached the cave and was able to release her tears. Visions of home, of her family, of what she was missing poked and prodded at her thoughts making her cry harder.

"I'm supposed to be strong," She whispered to herself. "This is not supposed to get to me. Everything will be alright. It's just Christmas."

Kagome sighed shakily at the word "Christmas" and wept again. She was only fifteen! Why was this incredible responsibly shoved down her throat? She hadn't even figured out herself yet! And to miss her family on Christmas… it just didn't make any sense. Why her? She just wanted to curl up and die.

"Kagome?" Inuyasha's voice cut through her thoughts and she panicked. Her face must be all red an puffy! So, she did the first thing she could think of to cover it up. She slammed herself facedown in the snow.

"Kagome?" Inuyasha now sounded worried.

Kagome raised her head and smiled weakly at him. "Well, hello, Inuyasha."

"What were you doing?" He asked raising his eyebrows.

"Oh, just celebrating Christmas," Kagome said.

Inuyasha raised and eyebrow at her, "That's how you celebrate it?"

Kagome tried to smile, "Sure."

"Ok…." Inuyasha trailed off obviously at a loss for words and not wanting to join her. "So I'll see you later."

"Ok!" Kagome managed as brightly as she could and watch Inuyasha walk away. What a sad sight. She thought. He's walking away completely oblivious; even though he would do anything he could short of taking me home to make me feel better.

Kagome stood up slowly and calming herself walked over and peeked into the cave where her friends were, she was careful to stay in the shadows.

"So when do you think we will get out of these mountains, Inuyasha?" Miroku was asking.

"Not sure," Inuyasha admitted.

"I hope it's soon," Shippo said rubbing his arms. "It's cold up here."

"Why don't you lay next to Kirara tonight?" Sango suggested. "She's pretty warm."

"Thanks, Sango!" Shippo cried and scrambled near the large cat.

"Aw! We're out of Ramen!" Kagome was startled to hear Inuyasha. He was standing over her empty pack and her things were spread out on the ground around him. Kagome wanted to go right up to him and give him a piece of her mind via several "sits" for going through her pack without her permission but something held her back. She wanted to watch just a little longer.

"You shouldn't go through Kagome's pack;" Sango admonished Inuyasha and helped him pick up the things.

"Feh," was Inuyasha's monotonous response and he stuffed Kagome's things back in her bag. Then, as he was putting a stack of her schoolbooks into her already stuffed backpack he dropped half of them spilling them open. What looked like her calendar also spilled open, showing the month of December. He shrugged it off and began to close it when Sango caught a glimpse of it.

"Wait, Inuyasha," Sango said taking a closer look.

Kagome's breath caught.

"Kagome showed me how to use these things," Sango continued and looked it over carefully. Inuyasha leaned over her shoulder, "A week is seven days…. Last week it was the 18th…. So today is the…" Sango ran her finger over the calendar, mumbling to herself. "The…25th!" She pointed at the little square signifying the 25th. In large red letters "Christmas" was written across it.

"Christmas…." Sango considered thoughtfully. "Wonder what that means."

"Kagome told me about Christmas!" Shippo exclaimed jumping over into Sango's lap saying, "It's some holiday that she celebrates in her time."

"Yeah," Inuyasha agreed. "Though… the celebration is odd." A weird look passed over his face.

"Anyway," Miroku shrugged off the conversation. "I think that Kagome would be rather upset to see that you are going through her things."

"Right," Sango blushed and quickly stuffed the calendar back into the backpack. "But shouldn't we celebrate or something?"

"I don't see any reason," Inuyasha said flippantly. "It's probably not that important anyway. It's just a day."

"But it's a holiday," Sango protested.

"One that I'm sure Kagome would have informed us of it if it had been important," Miroku reasoned.

Poor Miroku, Kagome thought sadly. Sometimes your logic can be so far from the truth. Didn't anyone ever think that she might not have told them because she knew that the only way she could imagine celebrating it would be with her family? Though she had grown close to her friends there just wasn't anything like her real family. She couldn't ask them to celebrate a holiday they knew next to nothing about. She would spend this Christmas alone.

"So where is Kagome anyway?" Shippo said sleepily.

"Outside," Inuyasha said staring at the fire.

"Goodness!" Sango exclaimed standing. "You left her in the cold?"

"She can come in if she wants," Inuyasha replied glancing at the still snow outside.

"Was she ok?" Sango asked. It wasn't like her friend not to spend time with the group.

"She seemed ok to me," Inuyasha shrugged then crinkled his eyebrows slightly. "She was acting a little weird though."

Kagome knew that with the way things were going someone would come looking for her soon and didn't want to worry them. Yes, it was just like always; it was just like a normal night.

"I'm back!" Kagome suddenly voiced, walking into the cave. "It sure is cold out there." She tried to act as normal as possible.

"I'm so glad you're back, Kagome!" Shippo exclaimed jumping up into her arms. "We were worried."

"Well there's nothing to be worried about; I'm just fine!" Kagome said letting out a fake smile.

Whoa, scary smile, Inuyasha thought and unconsciously moved farther back against the wall of the cave. "Y-you sure you didn't get frostbite or something?" He asked tensely.

"Of course not!" Kagome's fake smile got larger. "Now I'm going to sleep now, ok?"

No one dared oppose.

Kagome slipped in her sleeping bag and sighed. This was going to be a long night; she wasn't tired at all.

So Kagome did the best thing she could think of to make her go to sleep, she pulled out her Geometry book. And in no time as Kagome mumbled about medians and similar polygons she fell fast asleep.

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"Kagome, wake up!"

Kagome blinked at bit at the strong sunlight that met her poor eyes. "What?" She turned blurry eyes to the figure beside her bed. Wait, bed? She didn't have any bed in the Feudal Era. So that could only mean….

"Kagome! Get up! It's Christmas!" Her little brother Sota was jumping up and down beside her bed.

"Sota!" Kagome exclaimed and pulled her brother into a hug. It must have all been a bad dream.

"Kagome, you're squishing me!" Sota protested pushing against her.

"Sorry," Kagome said sheepishly and released her brother.

"Come on! Breakfast is ready!" Sota said and skipped out of her room.

Kagome jumped up and pulled on her robe. Arriving in the kitchen she was feeling much better and happily chatted with her mother as she helped with breakfast. It was Christmas and everything was wonderful.

Gifts were exchanged directly after breakfast and Kagome laughed at how even her gifts were in crumpled paper from Sota's handling.

"This has been perfect," Kagome sighed with content later that day as she sat in an overstuffed chair in front of the fireplace and sipped eggnog. "I can't imagine anywhere else I'd rather be." She smiled at her Grandfather.

"You say that every year," He chuckled.

"Well, every year it's true," Kagome sighed contently and curled further into the chair.

She fell asleep.

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Something cold and wet hit Kagome waking her from her slumber. "Wha-?" She half-expected Sota to be standing over her with a snowball. Instead she saw Inuyasha standing over her.

"Wake up," was his order. "The snow is thawing and we need to get out of these mountains as soon a possible." His voice was blunt and to the point.

Kagome sat up and rubbed her eyes. She was back in the cave! She must had only dreamed about home! Disappointment flooded her as she stood up and packed her backpack up tightly. "Ok I'm ready." She said with sigh and climbed on Inuyasha's back. They took off quickly into the mountains.

Kagome stared into her blurry surrounding as Inuyasha sped them towards where his nose led him. She remembered the words she had sung only the night before and realized that she had been home for Christmas, in a way.

I'll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams.

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THE END

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Ta-da! My first fic that doesn't have a happy ending! ...Sorta. I began this one on the way home from visiting relatives over the Christmas holidays. I was thinking about how, for me, spending Christmas with my immediate family is very important.

I'd recently read a bunch of Kagome-not-home-for-Christmas one-shots and wondered if truely one could be cheered so easily. I decided to write a fiction where Kagome was not cheered by her friends, this is how it ended up. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this bittersweet piece! -The Author