Note: My thanks to squigglydigg and ectoimp for letting me borrow The Pepperman. Prompt sent in by bluemist17: The funniest or oddest ghost bust that the MSA gang has had to do. Setting is long before Things We Lost.

…..

"Who told the 73-year-old lady it was okay to drag race her Prius against a monster truck?" Arthur threw his hands wide, gesturing at the mess Lance's truck had towed in.

"Don't ask, Artie," Lance grunted, settling the wreck into Arthur's designated station. "But she's a long time customer. Good track record with payments. Do what you can for it, eh?"

"It'll take a week at least!" Arthur ran his hands over the right side, crunched in with jagged bits of glass lining the empty holes that had been windows. "And that's just the exterior. You say it flipped and she's still kicking?"

"Yep. She's a tough ol' bird." Lance headed for his office. "Heard she did it 'cause some hotshot made fun of her car."

A snort sounded from the other side of the car and Arthur glanced over. He'd forgotten Lewis and Vivi were there.

"Sounds like something you'd do at that age." Lewis nudged Vivi with his shoulder, receiving an offended swat to his arm for the trouble.

"I would not, you sandblasted wingnut cookie. Besides, I'd be in the monster truck."

"Not on MY watch!" Arthur exclaimed. "Lewis, you have to swear to me you won't ever let a monster truck suffer under her! It wouldn't be right!"

"Say it to my fist, Squire! I'll knock you on your rocky road and kick the ever-loving cheesecake out of you!"

"Hey, hey you two. We're here to talk Mystery Skulls' budget issues, not start fights." Lewis flashed a notepad. "Think we can talk while you start work, Arthur?"

Arthur was about to respond when strains of Magic floated through the air. Kay was calling. Grimacing, he grabbed his cell phone. "Hey, yeah. How's it going, Kay? Lewis and Vivi are here, yeah, did you want to talk to them? I mean Lewis?" He rushed the words all together in one breath. If she was trying to get details on their next meeting, now was not a good time.

"Hey Arthur. Actually, yeah. I've been trying to get ahold of Lewis, but he's not answering."

Arthur blinked, glancing over at Lewis. Cranking up a wry grin, he raised his voice. "Well I guess it's not surprising he hasn't picked up, Kay, since he's doing his best Romeo impression with Vivi over here."

Lewis flushed as Vivi cackled.

"But it's okay," Kay continued. "Actually we kind of need the three of you over here."

Arthur raised an eyebrow. "Don't tell me you have a haunting."

"Well, I don't think it's a haunting, but we're not the ghost experts. It's definitely something, though. How fast can you guys get over to the Pepper Paradiso?"

Arthur assessed the wreck at his station. There wasn't much he could get done before closing time at this rate. It would be better to start fresh in the morning anyway. "Ask the manager. Hold on." He flipped his phone over the top of the wreck at Vivi, who swiped it out of the air and held it to her mouth like a walkie talkie.

"This is the Mystery Skulls. We're on our way. Over and out."

…..

Arthur couldn't get enough air, and by the sound of it, Vivi was in the same boat. He didn't know it was possible to laugh this long and hard and was pretty sure he'd be feeling it in the abdomen tomorrow. He tried to push himself up off the floor, but all it took was one glance at the paranormal visitor to the Pepper Paradiso to send him right back down.

Standing toe to toe with Lewis Pepper was… Lewis Pepper. Or, at least, some version of him. Stick thin legs and impossibly tiny feet supported a massive torso that ballooned out side to side. A pair of thick arms hung from shoulders three times as wide as the hip structure, and at the end of the arms were hands the size of Lewis' head and hair together. Speaking of hair, the intruder's pompadour stuck out a good two feet above his face to boot.

All in all, it looked as though a caricature artist had molded a living model of Lewis and set it loose on the world. And that had been Arthur's impression before the thing opened its mouth.

"Yes, hello, I am the Pepperman." Its smile stretched from one jaw hinge to the other, but there was nothing threatening in its greeting. Its eyes were pinpricks, like dot-eyes drawn on a face. Not likely to be a ghost as they rarely tried to impersonate other people. "I am the Pepperman, what servings will you have?" It flipped a white towel over its arm and Vivi howled.

Lewis stood frozen, completely unsure how to take the thing standing before him. Kay hung a few feet behind it, biting her lip. "So, ah, this showed up for the shift before yours. He's been serving customers and everything. Dad's nervous, but Mom put him right to work."

"Make it go away!" Aji poked her head out from the kitchen, shouting, "It's trying to be Lewis and it's not, it's creeping me out!"

Rolling her eyes, Kay shrugged. "Not like he's done anything malicious. The worst that's happened is he spilled orange juice on Miss Martin and tried to mop it off her. With a mop."

Lewis slowly brought his hands up to his face, massaging his temples with his fingers.

Arthur gasped from the floor, "Wait, wait wait wait, Pepperman, what do you think of Vivi?"

Lewis shot Arthur a glare. "Don't you even-"

"Oh! Bluevi!" The smile got all wide and wobbly, and the eyes dropped down to where Vivi leaned on the nearest chair. "Pretty Bluevi. I am take Bluevi on dancing date later and pretend no see when she step on my feet."

Lewis' jaw dropped and Kay lost it, sagging against the host counter. "He's got you pegged!"

"No he doesn't!" Lewis protested. "He doesn't look anything like me!"

The Pepperman brought its hands up to the sides of its face, the smile stretching up to the corners of its eyes now. "Bluevi hair smell like flower and happiness."

Tears streamed down his face, and Arthur was fairly certain he would pass out from lack of oxygen if he couldn't get himself under control. How Lewis did not find this hysterical was beyond him.

"Wh-what even are you?" Lewis spluttered.

"I am the Pepperman," it beamed, waving a hand. "Hello. I go make the serves now."

"No you don't go make the serves!" Lewis caught it by the arm. "Look, I don't know who you are, but-" He glanced down at Vivi and Arthur. Arthur just waved at him to continue, unable to help. "But we're professionals here, and impersonation… um… I…"

The Pepperman nodded. It reached into a pocket, pulled out a tiny white notepad that barely covered the width of one thumb and began writing on it. "Make more stammer to be good Pepperman."

Exasperated, Lewis grabbed the notepad and flipped through it. "Heart Bluevi always, make joke on Sunny D man, pet the bork potato… what is this, how to become Lewis 101?"

"Want to be Pepperman." The Pepperman puffed up its chest to absurd effect. "Pepperman strong. Pepperman nice. Pepperman good person to be. I be Pepperman."

Arthur finally wiped his eyes, drawing in a few shaky breaths. "H-h-hey. J-just out of curiosity, I mean. If you couldn't be the Pepperman, who would you be?"

Lewis glanced down at Arthur, but he shrugged. "Maybe this will tell us something."

"Oh, I know!" And just like that, the hulking purple form melted down to Lewis' knee height. A round-headed blue girl with sweater sleeves down to her knees and a scarf that draped down to pile around her ankles peeked up at them. "Sweet kind pretty always be there Bluevi. See?" The arms raised and the sleeves rolled back, revealing tiny little nubby hands. "I-Vi. I am. It me."

Lewis was back to staring with a blank expression. Vivi gasped for air, red-faced.

The little impressionist settled nubby hands on hips and pouted. "Stoppit laugh you food plant animal thing. Me ice cream your other food thing."

"Hah." Lewis finally cracked a smile. "Hah. Ha… hahahahAHAHAHAHA!" He slapped a hand down on the host desk, guffawing along with Kay. "This is what you called us out to get rid of? This guy should be our mascot!"

"No, bork potato is mascot," the Pepperman sulked. "No room for more mascot."

"Do Arthur!" Kay hooted. "Do it!"

"Oh no!" Arthur groaned, grabbing his stomach. "Kay, I just got a second to breath-ahAHAHA!"

Lurching over Arthur was a stilt-legged beanpole with a vest that puffed his chest out three times its size and a goatee long and sharp enough to shave with. "It is I, the Sunny D boy! I am good thinkman with good building and makings. Orange is favorite, except Kay because Kay is-"

Arthur leaped up, clapping a hand over the imposter's mouth. "Favorite letter, you are correct. That is my favorite letter. Somebody's an awfully good spy. How long have you been watching us?"

The Pepperman removed Arthur's hand from its face. "I be watch long time. I make good team?"

"But why have you been watching us?" Lewis snickered, calming down some. "Why try and mimick all of us?"

"Because good people. I make good team?"

Arthur scratched his head. "You keep saying that. Why do you want to make good team so bad?"

"Have team of good friends. I make lots of laugh, I make good team? I make good friend?"

Arthur and Lewis exchanged looks, both suddenly uneasy.

"I cook good like Pepperman. Make good serve."

"Ah… well…" Arthur hedged. "You see…" How was he supposed to explain to an inept shapeshifter that a team of paranormal investigators couldn't take a supernatural creature onto the team without losing all their business?

"Well look at you." Blue arms wrapped around the Pepperman's stick-thin waist. "Aren't you just the most adorable thing. Look at you. You're friendly, you're funny, you can look like anybody you want, right?"

The Pepperman nodded its head, the dark brown hair tweaks wobbling back and forth.

Vivi spun him around with a smile. "I think I know a great place for you, my friend. And you can go there every day and lots of people will love seeing you around, as long as you don't cause too much trouble, okay?"

The Pepperman's face lit right up as it eagerly demanded, "Where be place, Bluevi?"

…...

A few days later, strains of Magic brought Arthur rolling out from under the Prius to fumble for his phone. "Hi Kay, what's up?"

"Thought you'd want to know how the Pepperman is doing."

"I guess, but Lewis and Vivi aren't here to hear about it."

"Yeah, I figured, he won't pick up my calls again."

Arthur rolled his eyes. "Love is doing weird things to my buddy."

"Don't I know it. But I stopped by the children's hospital today. The kids love him. He was mimicking one of the nurses, I guess she's a real grump 'cause he was stomping around with giant feet and waving his hands and even she couldn't hold it together. I asked under the Mystery Skull's authority how he was doing, and they said they made him up a little room in the basement. Looks like he's got a place to stay for now."

Arthur smiled, wiping his hands on a rag. "I'm glad. It's nice to see a happy ending every now and then."

"I bet. So… Lewis is off at Vivi's for the rest of the night. You got any plans, Sunny D boy?"

Arthur snorted. "Only if it involves beating you at mute Mario Kart."

"Oh come on, give me a break. I only just started getting the hang of the controls. It's not so easy if you didn't grow up with it."

"No mercy!" Arthur declared. "See you in an hour."

"Okay. Later Arthur."

"Later."

…...

Note: Chapter title excerpted from Ne Me Quitte Pas by Regina Spektor.