Seven Conversations that Never Happened in Westeros, but Probably Should Have:
1. "Remember, Ser Edmure," King Robb told his uncle, "once he learns we have invaded the Westlands, Tywin will almost certainly attempt to cross the Red Fork to return to defend his own country."
"Have no fear, Your Grace," Edmure answered. "He shall not cross. You have my word."
"No, it is in the Westlands that we can defeat him once and for all. You must let him cross, Ser Edmure. I must have your word on that."
"As you command, Your Grace."
2. "Lord Tywin Lannister," Arya whispered in Jaqen H'ghar's ear.
3. "Commander Slynt, thank you for coming," Eddard began. "There is much I have to tell you, while King Robert yet lives…."
"Bastards? By her own brother?" Janos Slynt asked the Hand of the King incredulously after Eddard had finished laying out all the evidence he had gathered. "Are you certain?"
"The Queen admitted as much to me."
"You told her you know! Why?" Janos sputtered. Recollecting himself, he continued "Forgive me, my lord Hand. I meant no impertinence."
"I fear it is I who am in need of forgiveness. I told the Queen because I feared what Robert would do when he found out. I did not want the blood of the children on my hands, or his. I thought to give her the chance to take her children and flee the country. Instead, she sent word to her cousin, the King's squire, to dose His Grace with strongwine while he hunted boar. I shall have to live with the guilt of that until the end of my days."
"My lord Hand, forgive me, but what are you going to do now?"
"What am I going to do? I've already done it: I've told you. I have forty men left in my household guard. The Queen has more than twice that number, including a dozen knights. You command two thousand men of the city watch. The question now is what are you going to do?"
"Lord Stark, I'm just a simple watchman."
"Sworn to uphold the law and the King's peace."
"You don't understand. My father was a butcher." Slynt's eyes were downcast. He could not look Eddard in the face. "The Queen has promised me a lordship, for me and my sons after me. With Harrenhal as my seat!"
"I see. Commander, I cannot outbid the Lannisters. And Harrenhal is not mine to offer. But Stannis, whatever else he is, is a just man. I know he will reward you if you do what is right. But even if he does not, I can offer you a lordship in the North. Not so rich as Harrenhal, but as I said, I cannot outbid the Lannisters. All I can do is hope that you are a better man than the Queen takes you for."
"Lord Stark, I may have done things that I am not proud of, but I won't let a bastard and his traitorous mother seize the throne. You have my word on that."
4. "Lady Stark, what an unexpected pleasure," Tyrion said, smiling. "I was sorry to miss you at Winterfell."
"Lady…Stark?" asked Masha Heddle, the innkeep.
"I was still Catelyn Tully the last time I bedded here," she told the innkeep. She turned to look again at Tyrion. "Won't you join us?"
"Happily," the Imp answered, waddling over to her table.
"We must talk in private," Catelyn whispered once he was close enough.
"Jyck, Morrec, go check on my room. Make sure the bedding is clean. Yoren, would you excuse us?" After the three had left and Tyrion had sat with Catelyn and Ser Rodrik, he asked "Now what is this about? Is there a reason your man can hear this?"
"Ser Rodrik has my perfect trust."
"I don't suppose I can say the same of my men. Very well, what is the matter?"
Leaning forward and speaking in a low voice to avoid being overheard by the din, Catelyn said "We have a common enemy."
"Do we? I wasn't aware I had any enemies. Only relatives."
"Did you ever happen to own a knife with a Valyrian steel blade and a dragonbone hilt? About so long?" Catelyn asked, spreading her hands, palms down, on the table to indicated the blade's length.
"I did. Why?"
"Someone tried to use that knife to slit my son Bran's throat as he lay in his bed. He gave me these scars before Bran's wolf killed him," she explained, turning her palms up.
Tyrion appeared genuinely startled. "I swear to you I had nothing to do with this. Surely you can see that—"
"If I believed you responsible, we would not be chatting so pleasantly. But clearly someone wishes very much for me to believe you responsible."
"I see. As refreshing as it is to be trusted so implicitly, I find myself wondering what I could have done to earn such confidence."
"Trust has nothing to do with it. But I do not believe you such a dolt as to arm a hired assassin with your own blade, and one so recognizable, and so valuable, as that. But you said you did own it once. How did it happen to leave your possession?"
"I lost it, betting on my brother in the tourney on Prince Joffrey's name day. The Knight of Flowers unhorsed him."
"And who was it who bet against the most puissant Ser Jaime Lannister?"
"Who was it who told you that the dagger was ever mine?"
"One of us will have to answer first," Catelyn said. The two of them looked at each silently across the table for a moment.
"My answer borders on treason," Tyrion said, "so you'll understand if I'm reluctant to share."
"Treason? Very well, I was told by Lord Petyr Baelish, who claimed that you won it from him betting against your brother."
"Littlefinger? The man does not love me, or anyone but himself, but I know no cause for him to hate me. If he is trying to frame me, he has some deeper game in mind, you can be sure of it. And I can assure you, he is trying to frame me: I never bet against my own family."
"I once loved Petyr as if he were my own brother," Catelyn said sadly.
"Your own brother?" Tyrion asked archly. "Not to hear him tell it, unless you Tully's emulate the Targaryens."
"What?" Catelyn replied, raising her voice.
"I meant no offense, my lady, but the whole court has heard him tell that he took your maidenhead. For whatever it may be worth, I've long suspected he was lying. You yourself must realize that he is lying about the dagger."
"I know. Now tell me who did win the dagger."
Tyrion leaned across the table and whispered "His Grace himself."
"No. I will not believe that he could be involved in such a thing. Joffrey's name day was long enough ago for him to have lost it again."
"That's true. The question is, to whom?"
"Tyrion, that's what we must find out. Petyr would not act alone in this, and he was not at Winterfell; I suspect you have the right of that. Have I your agreement that we shall work together to discover the truth in this matter?"
"Someone wishes us to be enemies, Lady Stark. I think it would therefore behoove us to be friends."
"Good, but we should not allow our enemies to know that. By this time, the whole inn has seen us speaking together, which means that word will reach Varys, and who knows who else, long before you can get to King's Landing."
"We should be seen to part on bad terms, then."
"Yes, but I'll write you a letter to take to my lord husband once you reach the city. Take care not to give it to anyone else, and not to be seen giving it to him."
"And then I'll help him uncover the truth at court, then?"
"While pretending to oppose him."
"Of course. Are we ready then?" Both of them smiled momentarily.
"You're a monster, Imp!" Catelyn shouted, rising quickly from the table. "Uglier within than without! And it's only a matter of time before I have proof against you!" With that, she and Ser Rodrik stormed off. Tyrion only laughed as the rest of the inn glared at him.
5. "I'll not be king!" Robert thundered. "I've no head for ruling, and you both know it!"
"Robert, it must be you," Jon Arryn answered patiently. "You have the best claim. The Baratheons are kin to the Targaryens—"
"Piss on the Targaryens! My lord, you know I love you as my second father, but have your ears heard what your mouth has spoken? 'Kin to the Targaryens'! What kind of claim is that? The whole point of this war was to be rid of the wretched Targaryens forever!"
"Who, then, if not you?" Lord Arryn asked.
"You! Or Ned! Either of you would make better kings than I would, and you know it. And if you care about claims, why, the Arryns were kings in the Vale, and the Starks in the North, for centuries before there ever was a House Baratheon."
"He does have a point, Ned," Jon said thoughtfully after a few moments. "House Baratheon has been rival to the Tyrells and the Martells for centuries, and the Storm Kings fought the Gardener Kings and the Princes of Dorne for centuries before that. The North's isolation has left House Stark with comparatively few old rivalries. It might be easier for many to accept you as the new king. And he is certainly right that you have a better temperament for it."
"I scarcely wish it more than Robert," Eddard answered solemnly, "but if you think it would be best, than I shall do my duty, of course."
6. "My lord," Rickard Stark said, inviting his guest into his solar after the feast. "This is an unexpected honor. What, if I may, has brought you all the way to Winterfell?"
"Besides your generous hospitality?" Prince Rhaegar answered politely. "Very well, I shall come straight to the point. I wish to ask for the hand of your daughter Lyanna in marriage."
"My lord, that is unexpected. I suppose that it is only fair to tell you that I have been negotiating her betrothal to the lord of Storm's End. And I have also heard that His Grace has been negotiating your betrothal to Princess Elia of Dorne."
"I understand, Lord Stark, and you are correct about Princess Elia, but that is why I have come now. Please believe me when I tell that I have come all this way because I am convinced that this union between our houses is vital to the entire realm."
"Very well, then. I just hope you know what you will be letting yourself in for in marrying Lyanna."
7. "I know it may sound impossible," proclaimed King Brandon the Builder to his assembled Lords Bannermen, "as men said it would be impossible to raise the Wall to keep the Others at bay. But I know that it can be done. We shall dredge the Fever River to deepen it and to reverse its course, and then we shall extend it all the way across the Neck. And once we have built our canal connecting Saltspear to the Bite, half the trade in Westeros will pass through it. And that will make the North richer than any of the Southron kingdoms. So too, our own longships will be able to pass through it, and our fleets will dominate the seas of Westeros. It will also serve as a great moat, even more formidable a defense than what nature has given us, protecting us on our southern frontier as the Wall protects us in the north…."
"So you see, Bran," Maester Luwin explained to the Builder's descendant, concluding his history lesson, "that, at least according to legend, is how House Stark came to be the wealthiest of all the noble houses in the realm. The North is not so fertile as the Vale, the Reach, or the Riverlands, nor has it the gold of the Westlands, but its great expanse, combined with the revenues of the Great Canal, has made the North prosperous indeed."
"Robb says that's also why King Robert is four million dragons in debt to our lord father. Is that true? Is that why the king is coming to Winterfell? To ask for more money?"
"Well, Bran, that's certainly possible, but I imagine that he also intends to ask Lord Eddard to become his Hand."
The End.