Disclaimer: Anything familiar belongs to JE.
Warning: Adult language, adult situations
Author's Note: Thisis a companion piece to "I Should Have Known Better." After Bobby brings Stephanie to Point Pleasant, she begins meeting with a grief counselor to help her deal with her depression over losing her baby and missing Ranger. Dr. Richardson suggests that Stephanie write in a diary so she can see her thoughts and how they change over time. I have written these thoughts to go along with the storyline. I do not have these entries beta-d. Like a diary entry, I want the mistakes to stay. I think it will make I more authentic. In some cases, her thoughts in her diary are different from the ones expressed in the story because there, she's sometimes residing in Denial Land, but here, she is completely honest with herself. I suggest you read "I Should Have Known Better" before reading these entries. I'll try to group them by chapter when posting. Let me know what you think. Thanks and a huge shout out to HermioneIncarnate for giving me this idea in her review. You rock, Babe.
Entries Correspond to Chapter 2 of "I Should Have Known Better"
July 20, 2013
Dear Diary,
I feel really stupid writing in a diary. I mean, I'm a 33-year-old woman who is keeping a diary. How crazy! But, Dr. Richardson says that it will help me cope with losing my baby and missing Ranger. Bobby suggested her to me, and I like her a lot. She's down to Earth, cool, and doesn't think I'm crazy. She is trying to help me deal with my guilt for miscarrying. I know that I am partially to blame. I knew I was pregnant two weeks ago but never told Tank or Bobby. Had I told them when I found out the results to the at-home tests instead of waiting for the stupid doctor's appointment, I would still be growing my baby, Ranger's baby.
I think that's what makes it worse. The fact that I had a little piece of Ranger growing inside me. The guys don't say anything in front of me, but I see the looks they pass. The mission Ranger is on is a difficult one. They don't think he's going to survive. I try to keep my hope up, try to stay positive, but it's difficult. If Ranger doesn't return, I will have lost him completely. At least if I were still pregnant, I would have his child to love and cherish. The moment I realized I was pregnant, I started dreaming about what our child would look like. I pictured a little boy with latte skin coloring and Ranger's intense brown eyes. He would have Ranger's perfect hair, silky smooth and straight. I picture a mini-Ranger with my crazy personality. I'd be in so much trouble trying to raise him and keep him out of trouble. But I know, and knew, that no matter what happened, my Merry Men would be there for me, to help me raise Ranger's child if he weren't to return. Now, I don't have to worry about that. For years I said that I would never have children, never be a mother, but since being pregnant, that's all I can think about. Dr. Richardson said that it's normal, it part of my mourning process. All I know is that I can't wait to become a mother.
Ranger, Carlos, my love, wherever you are, be safe, don't get shot. I love you with all my heart and soul. I don't know how I can survive without you. Please come home to me, Carlos. I love you.
Stephanie
XXXXXXXXXX
July 27th, 2013
Dear Diary,
Yesterday I ran into Joe Morelli. I mean I literally ran into him. I was I a rush leaving TPD to get to the bonds office in time to get my check for bringing in Dougie and Mooner again when I bowled right into Joe on his way inside. He caught me before I fell. We spoke for a few minutes about incidental things, like the weather and the Yankees. Then he asked if I wanted to have dinner with him. I agreed to meet Joe at his house at six. He was picking up Pino's; he asked me to pick up the beer.
We started off the night just sitting together and talking. I told him how I was working for Rangeman full-time. How the guys were training me in the gym and the gun range. I showed him by carrying concealed permit and my ankle holster. He was impressed that I was carrying two guns and a knife. Hector has been training me in knife skills while teaching me Spanish. I've been helping him with his English. He's not as scary as I originally thought.
Then, half-way through the Yankee game, we started kissing. I guess my Hungarian hormones took over because before I knew it, we were in Joe's bed having sex. I had my last social orgasm eight months ago before Ranger left. I guess I needed to have another one. After we have sex a couple of times, we fell asleep. When we woke up, I was on my side of the bed facing the window, and Joe was on his side facing the door. We weren't touching. Huh. Whenever Ranger and I have shared a bed, I always woke up on top of him or spooned together with him. I'm not going to think about that too much. The sex was very good, which is all that matters. I wonder if this means that Joe and I are "on" again? I guess today will tell.
Stephanie
XXXXXXXXXX
September 23, 2013
Dear Diary,
Joe and I have been dating since July, and things have been pretty good. However, I feel that we are falling into our same, unhealthy pattern as before. I spoke to Dr. Richardson about it today during our session, and she suggests that I bring up the topic with Joe. She said that there is no way that we can have a healthy, committed relationship if we aren't open about what we want and if we aren't willing to compromise. Therefore, tonight I'm going to bring up the topic.
Joe needs to understand that I am not the typical Burg woman. I will NOT be a housewife. I will NOT be barefoot and pregnant popping out a litter of Morellis. I will NOT be a stay-at-home soccer mom. I want to work. I want to work for Rangeman with my brothers. Yes, my Merry Men are my brothers. They are the first group of people to accept me for who I am. Once I got over my stubbornness, I realized that all they ever wanted me to do was become better at my job, to gain skills that I need to help me survive. They didn't want to change me or make me quit; they only want me to be more formidable. With their guidance and support, that's happening. I love my Merry Men.
Joe doesn't understand the relationship I have with my guys. He thinks that all they want to do is fuck me. I'm sure that I the star of some of their fantasies, they will never act on their fantasies because of their respect for me. Not to mention Tank would take them to the mats and probably kill them. Now, don't think of me being conceited or arrogant. I had overheard them talking a few times, discussing what they dreamt about the night before and what they wanted to do to me. Even though I love Ranger, and in some way love Joe, I do sometimes fantasize about them, too; especially Lester, Bobby, Vince, and Hector (even though I know he's gay, he's still super hot).
Every night before I go to bed I still talk to Ranger. I tell him how my day has been, who I've gone after, keeping him updated with the latest gossip. I wonder where he is, if he's hurt, or if he's thinking of me. I end my conversation by telling him that I love him and hope he comes home to me soon.
Stephanie
XXXXXXXXXX
September 24, 2013
Dear Diary,
My talk with Joe went better than expected, he agreed to many of the things that I need. For the first time in a long time, I have hope that we could make it. I still know that if Ranger came home tomorrow, I'd drop Joe in a heartbeat and run into his arms. But, from the whispers that I hear between BLT, things aren't looking good for Ranger.
While I love Joe, my love for him is more of a brotherly type of love. I think of him the same way I think of Lester and Bobby. I know that I'm not fair to Joe, but I think, with time, I could learn to love him completely. I know that if it is true that Ranger isn't coming home, then I could give my heart completely to Joe. I guess we'll see where our relationship takes us. It's easy to agree on conditions, but to live with those conditions is a little harder.
Carlos, wherever you are, know that I love you and have loved you for a long time. Please be safe. I pray for your safe return every night so that we can have our someday. Please, Ranger, come home to me. I love you, Carlos.
Stephanie
XXXXXXXXXX
April 4, 2014
Dear Diary,
Oh, fuck! I think I'm pregnant with Morelli's kid. I don't know how the fuck this happened. I am on the fucking shot. I shouldn't be pregnant! Besides, I always make Joe wear a condom. Did he fuck with the condom? Did he fuck with my injection? That's stupid; he can't fuck with my injection when the doctor gives it to me in her office. What am I going to do?
I'll wait until I see my doctor confirming my pregnancy before telling Joe. I'm not sure how he's going to react. I mean, things have been pretty good, but I feel like we are drifting away again. I don't want to trap him into marrying me for the sake of this baby. Tonight we are going to Rossini's, for dinner. He never takes me out to eat. I wonder what's on his mind. I'm doing a stakeout with Lester today. I love partnering with Lester. He understands my need for food and noise. I don't have to sit quietly staring out the car window all day long. With him, we have conversations, joke, and laugh, while still getting our man (or woman).
Ella's going to help me get ready. I have to make sure my hair is presentable. That means, eight soft, perfectly formed curls or straight hair. I often put my hair up in a twist, so it stays neat. Tonight, Ella said she'll curl my hair for me. I'm nervous. I think Joe my propose. It will be his third proposal since January, but the first not in bed after we fucked. If he does ask, I'll say yes, but only because of the baby. I'm still not ready to be Mrs. Morelli, but the baby needs to have a Mommy and a Daddy. Please don't be a proposal. Who am I kidding, it better be a proposal, so I don't have to listen to my mother harp on me any longer about being a disappointment to her. Fuck my life.
Stephanie
XXXXXXXXXX
April 21, 2014
Dear Diary,
My life sucks. It's official. God hates me, karma hates me, and my life fucking blows. Ranger returned today. He's alive. The love of my life is home, safe and sound. And I'm fucking engaged to Joe Morelli. Why me? The minute I walked onto the control this morning I felt Ranger's presence. As I walked past his office, he pulled me into it, closing the door before kissing me senseless. I wanted nothing more than to rip off his clothes and make love to him right there and then. While kissing me, he took my hands in his and felt the ring. He stopped his kisses, looking down at my engagement ring. He became cold, with his blank face slamming down. He asked when we got engaged when we were getting married, and if I was happy.
How can I tell him that I'm miserable? How can I tell him that I am willing to break my engagement, but I can't because of a life that I'm carrying that belongs to a man that I don't love? How can I tell him that I caused his child to die before it was even born?
Work was torturous today. I was glad to get out of the building. Lester knew that I was conflicted and hurt. He tried his best to comfort me, to tell me just to break things off with the cop but no one knows I'm pregnant. I know that I should tell someone, especially after what happened last time, but I can't. I want to live in Denial Land a little longer. I keep hoping that by the time I go for my appointment a week from Friday I'll have gotten my period. Then, I can break off my engagement to Joe with no guilt, giving my heart to the only man who holds it, giving myself completely over to Ricardo Carlos Manoso, mi amor, mi vida, mi corazon.
Joe senses that something is wrong. I can't tell him how I feel. He won't understand. I only told him that Ranger is back, but headed off to Boston. It was an emotional day for all of Rangemen to have him back. He accepted my response; if only he knew.
Ranger, wherever you are in Boston, know that I love you, that you have my heart. I hope that someday, we can be together as we were always meant to be. I love you, Carlos.
Stephanie