Rachel Berry had no friends.
At first, she thought it was precisely because nobody understood how talented and amazing she was. But as the months went on, she solely realized it was because she was nothing.
It seemed like yesterday she would stand in front of the mirror and smile at how pretty she was. How perfect she was in her eyes. But as she stood in front of the school bathroom mirror now, all she could do was point out the multiple flaws.
Big nose. Lifeless hair. Hideous eyes. Disgusting body shape.
She wasn't Quinn Fabray. She didn't have her beautiful blonde hair.
She wasn't Mercedes Jones. She didn't have her amazing singing voice.
She wasn't Tina Cohen-Chang. She didn't have her breathtaking smile.
She wasn't Santana Lopez. She didn't have her endless confidence.
She was Rachel Berry, the girl who nobody cared about. Rachel stood in front of the bathroom mirror and wiped away the remainder of her tears before walking out of the bathroom and shuffling to Glee club.
…
You didn't have to like Rachel Berry to know when something wasn't right. She trudged in the choir room wearing jeans and dark grey hoodie with converse instead of her usual God-awful animal sweaters and skirts. She took the empty seat in the back of the room, which was unusual because she always preferred the one in the front.
"Hey Man hands, what's with the hoodie? Run out of disgustingly ugly sweaters to wear?" Santana hisses. Rachel looks at her lap and doesn't say a word. Brittany frowns.
"You know 'Tana that really wasn't nice." She whispers to the Latina. Santana snorts.
"Oh who cares? Berry is nothing but a freak." She replies with a smirk. Rachel intertwines her fingers, trying to distract herself from the harsh words coming out of the cheerio's mouth.
Just then, Quinn sauntered in the room with a smile. Brittany immediately noticed that her hair looked different.
"Hey Q, did you get a haircut?" Brittney asks. Quinn rolls her eyes.
"No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible." She says sarcastically. Unfortunately the ditz blonde isn't so quick to realize that.
"Wow! You can do that now?" Santana lets out a snorting sound and Brittany's eyebrows knit in confusion. Why were her friends acting so weird?
"Alright guys. You all now sectionals are coming up soon and we need to come up with some song ideas." Mr. Schuester exclaimed with a clap of his hands. Nobody spoke up. "Anyone? What about you, Rachel? Any ideas?" He asked.
Rachel squirmed in her seat but didn't look up.
"No." She said. The surprised teacher raised an eyebrow.
"You okay? You usually have a new song you're dying to show every week." He says with a confused expression. Rachel finally looks up.
"I don't think I should sing for sectionals, Mr. Schue." She whispers. Santana crosses her arms while the rest of the Glee club gasps.
"Oh please, Barbara's obviously trying to plot some evil master plan so that she can steal the show during the performance." She explains. Brittany cocks her head. Rachel was annoying, but she wouldn't do something like that, would she?
"No. In fact I think you should sing the song. Amy Winehouse would sound lovely with your voice." Rachel murmurs, trying to blink back the tears in her eyes. Santana seems shocked for a minute, but then grimaces.
"Ugh, please. Just stop talking to me." She spits. Rachel nods and looks back down at her lap.
"Sorry." She whispers. That's probably what got to her the most. Rachel tried. She really did try to be a good person. Sure, she didn't always give the best criticism, or the most helpful judgments. But lately she honestly, truly, has tried to be a better person.
And it always blew back up into her face.
Mr. Schue shoots Santana a disapproving glance but nods anyway.
"Santana, you should totally do 'Back to Black' by Amy Winehouse for sectionals!" Quinn gushes. The Latina grins and bats her eyes. "Besides, this is probably one of the only times that midget is going to give up a solo." Quinn nods her head towards Rachel and rolls her eyes.
"Maybe you guys could do a duet! You know, Santana and Rachel!" Brittany says with a smile. Brittany secretly has always though Rachel was the best singer in the Glee club, but she wanted her best friend to get a chance too. 'You're so smart!' Brittany thought to herself. Santana obvious disagreed.
"Eww, no! Hell will freeze over when I sing with RuPaul." She says while flicking her manicured nail. Mr. Schue sighs.
"All right, then we can all agree that Santana will do 'Back to Black' for sectionals then?" He asks. The Glee club members all give a small nod and he claps his hands.
"Alright, let's get to it! To the auditorium." He smiles at points his finger towards the door. Everybody stands up and leaves, with the exception of Puck, Rachel, and the three cheerios. Puck goes over to the piano to grab some sheet music, but he can't help but overhear the girl's conversation.
"Listen. Everybody can see through your little act, Berry." Santana hisses.
"Yeah, you obviously just want attention. Probably trying to steal my boyfriend!" Quinn yells practically in Rachel's face.
"N-no. Quinn, you and Finn are great together." She whispers. Quinn snorts.
"Stop being such a fucking prude and get over yourself." Santana says. She flips her hair back and both she and Quinn sashay out of the room, arms linked. Brittany stares at Rachel for a minute before speaking.
"You look sad. You should meet my cat, Lord Tubbington. He's really good at cheering people up."
Rachel feels a small smile tug at her lips. "Thank you, Brittany. But I can assure you I'm perfectly fine. See?" She says, executing a smile in order to convince the perky blonde that she was okay. Brittany cocks her head to the side.
"Your smile looks happy but your eyes look sad…how come?" She asks. Rachel stares at Brittany for a while. Why did she care? Nobody did. Suddenly Quinn's head popped in the doorway.
"Brittany! Get your ass over here and stop talking to that fugly midget! We're gonna be late." She hisses. Brittany swallows and gets up, walking over to the doorway. She stares at Rachel for a moment before Quinn pulls her away from the choir room, leaving Rachel sitting alone.
Or at least she thought she was alone, as she allowed a single tear to spill from her eyes and trail down her cheek. Puck noticed.
"Don't listen to them. Any of them." He says, watching as the tear dripped onto the girl's hoodie. She jumps a little, startled by the voice coming from the piano. He walks over to her and puts a hand on her shoulder. "They just don't understand our Jew badass-ness." Puck jokes. Usually would've cracked a smile or a giggle, but now she just stood up, grabbed her bag, and started to walk towards the door. He was honestly confused and hurt by this. Rachel was never the one to let her vulnerability show through. It was a weakness in her eyes, therefor she always stayed strong. "Hey, Berry." He says as he grabs her shoulder and spins her around. "You okay?"
She wipes at a few tears and nods. "We're gonna be late." She whispers. He shakes his head.
"I don't care. What's wrong?"
Rachel's face is one second away from crumbling before him but she digs her fingernails in her arm to keep from bursting into tears. "Noah…please don't. Just please don't care about me, okay?" She whispers as she shrugs off his hand and walks out of the choir room, leaving Puck confused and worried about Rachel. Yes, Noah Puckerman was worried about Rachel Berry.
He thought he'd never see the day.
….
Rachel staggers into the auditorium and sits in the farthest possible seat from everybody else. She doesn't know what's with her these days…she just doesn't like people anymore. Call her anti-social, it's probably true.
As Santana sings the first verse of "Back to Black", she can't help but remember last year. Rachel was confident. Rachel was positive. Rachel was happy.
So what happened? What happened to when she used to dream of Finn, and Broadway, and her name in lights? Now all she dreamed was that she didn't wake up in the morning. How fucked up was that?
"What's up with Berry?" Mercedes whispered to Quinn, a few rows away from Rachel.
"Oh. She's totally just trying to act all sad for attention. Don't worry about the little freak." She says, purposely louder than she should of. Rachel put her hood over her head in an attempt to hide the tears that were building up in her eyes. She barely noticed Puck walk into the auditorium. He sat a few seats away from Rachel, which honestly surprised her. Since when has Noah ever cared about her?
….
Puck watched her with careful eyes. What happened to her? Was it him? Did Finn do something? He suddenly had an urge to walk across the auditorium and punch Finn in his face for ever hurting the girl. It was disgusting, how not too long ago he was dating Rachel. Now he's snuggling up to Quinn as if the brunette didn't ever exist.
He secretly regretted every slushy thrown, every comment said, every remark made. Sure, Rachel was narcissistic and bossy and judgmental but when it came down to Glee club, she would always be there for each and every one of them. But how did they pay her back? By constantly abusing her, both mentally and physically. Puck knew that if he stood up for Rachel he would probably get the same exact treatment. So he was a coward. And he fucking hated it.
"Puck! Down here!" Quinn yelled, motioning to the lower rows of seats, where most of the club was sitting. He took one glance at Rachel, who was sitting not three seats away from him before turning back to the blonde.
"I'm good." He yelled back. Quinn rolled her eyes and stared at Rachel.
"What're doing, keeping him captive up there, Barbara? I know you're desperate but not even Puck, the man whore of the school would get into your pants." She snickers. Rachel looks at her lap and stands up.
"You're right." She whispers as she walks down the row. Rachel looks at a Puck for a moment and mumbles an, "I'm sorry." Then she walks out of the room.
"Rachel, wait…" He yells before groaning and turning back to Quinn.
"What the fuck is your problem? She didn't do anything." He says in an annoyed tone. Quinn smirks.
"So?" She says innocently.
"So stop being such a bitch!"
Finn stands up. "Whoa man, not cool." He says. Puck rolls his eyes and yells something back.
During all of the commotion, nobody notices Brittany slip out of the auditorium and into the empty school hallways. She may not be the smartest girl but she knew people. And she knew something was wrong with Rachel Berry.
She heard quiet sniffling in the girl's bathroom near the choir room. Brittany walks in to find an obviously distraught Rachel Berry sitting against the wall with her knees pulled up to her chest, sobbing.
"Rach! What's the matter, sweetie?" She whispers as she kneels in front of the diva.
"Nothing. I'm f-fine." She assures as she wipes away tears with the back of her hands. Brittany shakes her head.
"No. Something's wrong. I won't tell anybody. Except for Lord Tubbington maybe, but he's really good at keeping secrets."
"I'm just…I'm so sad these days, Brit." Rachel whimpers. Brittany frowns and tucks a piece of hair behind the diva's ear.
"Can I give you some of my happiness?" She asks, her eyebrows knitted in confusion.
Rachel lets out a small chuckle. It was both amusing and sweet how the cheerleader thought she could physically give her some of her happiness. It surely was an intriguing thought.
"I wish you could." Rachel mutters. Both girls' nod.
"Is it because of what Quinn and Santana said?" Brittany asks.
Rachel contemplates telling Brittany the truth.
"It…it has something to do with that I guess." She says with a shrug before standing up. Rachel walks over to the sink and starts to splash cold water on her face. In the process, her dark hoodie rides up her arm. Brittany looks closer and notice small cuts covering her wrists and forearm.
"Rachel? What happened to your arm?" Brittany asks, cocking her head to the side. Rachel gasps and looks down at her arm, immediately hiding the self-harm injury by tugging on the article of clothing.
"It's…uhm, it's nothing really. I was merely doing some yard work with my dad's over the weekend. I happened to get a few cuts and bruises in the process is all." Rachel explains nervously. Brittany nods and gives a small smile.
"Well, whenever you need someone to talk to, I'll be listening." She takes out a piece of paper from her backpack and a pencil, but struggles to remember her phone number. "I forgot my phone number." She says with a frown. Rachel smiles.
"You know, Brittany, that's really not necessary, I mean-," She gets cut off by the cheerleader.
"Oh yeah! I remember!" She grins as she scribbles down the information and hands it to Rachel.
"Call me. We should hang soon. Bye Rae!" She says with a wave before happily skipping out of the bathroom. Rachel sighs, puts the slip of paper in her bag, and rolls up her hoodie sleeve.
She had been self-harming for about four months now. At first, it was really effective. One or two cutting sections a day would satisfy the ache.
Now, Rachel was numb. No matter how far she dug into the scarred skin, she couldn't find any way to release the pain. It took two to three cutting sessions a day now to try and get rid of some of the pain.
She remembers about a week ago, she had cut her wrists so badly it started to bleed more than ever before. She sat there and watched; watched as the blood franticly poured out of her body. For some odd reason, she didn't try to get up. She didn't cry or scream for help. Maybe it was because she truly wanted to die.
She woke up hours later, honestly convinced she was dead. And it terrified the living hell out of her. She curled up on the bathroom tile floor and sobbed hysterically for what seemed like days and days until she found enough strength to get up off of the floor and clean up the mess.
Flash-forward to now…it was obvious nobody cared about her. Her father's always left her alone. Santana and Quinn always picked on her and not one member of the Glee club made an attempt to stop it. So she decided tonight would be the night.
Rachel Berry was going to kill herself.