Songfic: Stabbing Westward
***I only see myself reflected in your eyes***
***So all that I believe I am essentially are lies***
My hands were as frail as a dolls, a childs, maybe even a woman's. My fingers were so slender they were barely there. It was as though I starved myself, and I wasn't even sure if I did or not. All I could think about was her. All I could see was her face. The pale heart-shaped curve of her jaw, her cheeks with not the slightest tint of color. I couldn't take it. Not anymore. Once I blink, I can easily gaze down and see my lucid amethyst eyes shadowed in her face. The face I stare at through fingerprinted glass windows. The emotionless, child-like face that will never speak to me again.
If you must lay like this, in a fate that sits worse than death, than I must become you; so that in only one way, you can live.
But it has been years now, and you still lay motionless. The missing brassy earring is the only difference. Who am I kidding?
***And everything I've hoped to be or ever thought I was***
***Died with your belief in me so who the hell am I?***
The smashing, pulsing tremor caught my throat again as I fell to my knees. It wouldn't leave me alone. It wouldn't stop. It was impossible to escape from. Her bright eyes echoed in my reflection, her gentle hands on my face. Kissing me. Touching and caressing me. Little sister...
Maybe if I ran to the edge of this mountain, the lightening flashing like scarlet blood painted across the sky. If I threw myself away for you, if I fell to the ground with no regrets? The shadow of the man I thought I was, faded when you're mind slowed and your heart became a tender tick against the endless white pillows. You live in a factory of mazes. Why can't I just hold you again?
You'll never see Ran again. He died when you closed your eyes and wouldn't open them for him. Ran died with the fire, becoming as much a part of the ashes as our parents did.
You don't want to know Aya. You'll never want to know him. How could I ever have taken your name and make it into such heartless, empty waste? You'll never forgive me, because I never forgave him. I hate Ran.
***I'm wandering around confused***
***Wondering why I try***
***The more that you deny my pain***
***The more it intensifies***
The rush of shallow water chills me, I step between the rocks, wanting to feel the numbing pain of ice cold water. I let the water soak the bottoms of my pants, not caring if they dry or not. You are so far from reach. Even when you are right in front of me. I see your same bright eyes, same fresh breath in your face. You smile and pretend it is the same. Pretend I am the same.
When I have changed and will never be the same again.
I want to change for you, but even the curl of my lips is not possible. I hurt from head to toe, but you think I am satisfied. You are alive now, yes. But so unattainable.
I want you more than death. Why do I even try? I ache with every step, moving farther away from you as I am standing next to you. If my happiness is your life, then why does it cut through me like glass, when you are finally here?
***I pray for someone to ache for me the way I ache for you***
***If you ignore that I'm alive***
***I've nothing to cling to***
My hands shake as though they are brittle and about to break against your skin. Your pale face is so soft and motionless as you sleep below me. I have to touch you, I have to see if you feel any different than you did back then.
You are the same, while I have changed. My hands are rough and calloused, yet they are frail like yours. I gently trace my fingertips through a trendle of dark ashen hair. You are so beautiful my body aches from the inside out. But, like the sharp edge of fresh knife, you are cool and endlessly painful. Your eyes do not open. You do not realize who I am.
And when they open, you just smile and call me I am not your brother anymore. Ran died long ago. I am... no one.
Nothing.
I do not even have to press my mind to realize this.
I am in the cold, the corner barely hiding my shivering form. I cup my head against my knees, trying to cling to myself; which is all I thought I had left. Then I realize, that too is not existant. You move away from me with each waking minute. You are a woman now, young and fresh.
I crave to taste you. I crave to caress and feel your insides. I am deathly sick. I know that all this is unattainable, because you are drifting away from me further.
If I cannot have you, I want nothing. I can't do anything; go anywhere.
***I stare into this mirror***
***So tired of this life***
***If only you would speak to me or care if I'm alive***
My heart is tight in my chest, I breath heavily, hearing every painstaking pound push me to the limit.
I peer around the corner of the darkened hallway, into your room. There is a single candle lit and it glowers with the hushed breeze from the window in the corner.
I step a little closer, my silenced boots still crashing down in my paranoid mind.
I hear a muted gasp; something foriegn, yet familiar.
The nausea travels down my throat as I see your bare leg glinting smoothly in the dim light. You are thrashing below his body, movements so exact to that pleasure I avoid.
Your muffled moans arouse me, but I am sick with worry; with jealousy. You can't see that I am watching. Watching as you struggle in passion, or as the sheets are pulled tight with your fingers which are searching for something to grasp. His hair is against your sweaty face, his lips against your neck. You taste him and press into him, and I grow weak.
At last you flail towards escape, your fulfilment drowning me in sorrow. I fall to my knees, drenched with unreasonable anguish, hatred.
You don't even care that I'm alive.
So I die. Just as Ran did, now do I.
***Once I swore I would die for you***
***But I never meant like this***
***I never meant like this***
***No I never meant like this***
I'm tired of the muffled noises, the thrashing and the pain. I'm exhausted from the numbness in my body when I slash and slice and prod forward. Another victim falls and I glare endlessly past it. Even as more blood covers my weapon, I still see your eyes shine through. I cannot escape this, I cannot take another step. I peer over the edge of the highest building, the wind at my face.
I don't want to run anymore, and running it seems I'll do.
I've lied to myself, I've lied to you.
I promised you once that you were everything, but it seems I've suceeded my lies. I raise the white finger of my hand to my own face. I see nothing but death, regret and jealousy. A hatred I cannot wean. I am contradicting my own contradictions.
I let the blade fall from this luminous height. I see your open mouth gasping in my eyes, the heavy sweat falling from your brow. How could he take you? How could you let him take you?
Don't you remember me?
I cannot even hate him, because everything is so numb. I pull my coat away, it's many buckles clattering and clanging as it falls to the concrete in a heap.
I never meant it like this, I never wanted to jump. But that is just another lie, I speak through gritted teeth and blue lips.
The wind tears through me like a thousand jagged arrows. My arms open wide to hell, calling out to let me in.
He took you away, and I couldn't stop him. I couldn't stop him because Ran died and he was all you ever knew. Not this; not what I have become. I will never let you realize.
I leap with all my might, the only effort I have left.
***I don't know if I'm real without you***
***What is left of me without you?***
***I don't know whats real without you***
***How can I exist without you?***
All that is left is endless white. The falling only took a moment, only took the last strength of my breath.
A vision of your face is all that flashes in my mind as I weep, crashing against my own broken bones at impossible angles.
It's that last second that I realize.
I never existed in the first place.
When I changed, you didn't. You moved on, but your face stayed the same, while I was stuck to the steady beeping of the heart monitor until it was torn from the wall.
I could not exist without you.