Exceptions & Expectations-A 12/Clara Story
A/N: For the record, I never wanted to ship 12 & Clara. I swear I didn't. At least, that's what I told myself for most of Season 8 along with other things like: He's too old for Clara. He's not interested in her like that anymore. She doesn't like him in that way. She's got Danny now. And then there was the Orient Express episode...and bang went that theory. But then, I thought, 'That was just circumstances...that was just mood lighting & fancy dresses. It was a fluke. Won't happen again.' And for a while longer, I was right. Generally speaking, they went back to being more or less tolerable of each other. Then Danny died, Clara went nuts, & everything went to hell. But then Christmas rolls around and BAM! Suddenly we're back to them making googily eyes at each other! And I'm just sitting there, trying not to cry when he tells her, "Clara Oswald, you'll never look any different to me." Instant FEELS.
So yeah, long story short: I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of this ship...it is a ghost ship that crops up from time to time to say hello and then disappears for another few episodes, that is until one of them is close to death or regeneration again...which may or may not be soon. Meanwhile, I wrote this in a state of intense FEELS after watching a bunch of Whouffaldi videos on YouTube...I strongly recommend watching "When you're not listening" in particular when reading this. Or "Twelve and Clara| Congratulations". It started out as an introspective piece. And then it turned into a bit of missing dialogue that I imagine occurred after "Last Christmas".
Okay...that's all for now. Enjoy!
Silly Doctor. Silly old, stubborn, selfish Doctor.
Thinks he can trick himself into believing the impossible.
And therefore, delaying the inevitable.
She loves you.
You know she does.
It's painfully obvious.
She's been hugging you more & more frequently, even as you squirm & dodge her advances.
It makes you angry.
And frustrated.
She can't love you!
It's not allowed.
Too inconvenient.
Too human.
Too domestic.
Too old for this sort of nonsense.
No, you've already been over this with her.
You explained it to her, very calmly, very rationally, when you changed.
You are not her boyfriend.
And nor should you be.
A different voice, uninvited, pops in, though: Perhaps you should have left her a long time ago.
Perhaps you should have let her & Danny be.
Perhaps you should have been less outwardly jealous of P.E.
Perhaps you should have been more supportive of the couple, right from the get-go.
He provided the best kind of distraction.
For her.
For you.
Because without him around, to keep you in check, you will fall into old habits again.
And we all know what happens when you do.
You might catch yourself falling for her.
And then...and then...oh, and then you will be in trouble, sir.
Because then, you will remember why you shouldn't: the awful truth...that someday, she will die.
Like all the rest.
But by then, it will be too late.
And when she does, the pain & misery & fury that comes with it may very well send you into another 1,000 years of darkness.
But then...you are already halfway there, aren't you?
You are falling in love with her all over again...little by little, one adventure, one mystery at a time.
And you simply cannot let her go.
Not yet...not yet...not yet...
It's always gonna be: One more time...just one more...
Because you are just as addicted to her as she might be to you...and that's a scary thought.
And yet, this thing between you two...you and her...it's not quite what people think.
Not that you particularly care what others think...
But you are not Prince Charming.
And she is no innocent fairytale Princess.
And you know perfectly well that there will never be a happy ending to this story.
She is your friend.
Just that?
Okay, your best friend.
Possibly your only friend in the universe now.
If she's gone...who is there to reel you in when you go flying off the handle?
Who will be there to hug you or hold your hand?
Who will be there to tell you when you are being a complete idiot?
Myself, obviously.
Okay, bad example.
Point made, though.
You know you like her.
But you cannot play the role she so rightly deserves.
Traditional roles are thrown out the TARDIS doors and do not apply when one of you is an alien.
Especially when that alien is and looks centuries older than the girl he's with.
He had made a horrible mistake with his younger-looking self.
He should never have spurred it on...he should never have made her think she had a chance.
If he had nipped the problem in the bud then, maybe it would have been easier to kick her out.
But you didn't.
You did try...
Last Christmas.
You sent her home.
Twice.
But she came right back, didn't she?
Oh Doctor...you old fool.
You musn't forget that you are different now.
Ha! As if you could!
You've got wrinkles on your face, arthritis in your hands, & a crick in your back, for Godsakes!
Every time you look in the mirror, it's like looking at the Crypt-keeper.
What could she possibly see in me?
But...there she is...your Clara...safe and sound...and so alive...
Back from the land of dreams.
Still by your side, bright smile on her face, looking around the TARDIS like she's home at last.
Despite everything that has happened.
Despite a crazy Christmas involving Santa, and elves, and face-hugging, life-sucking crabs where you both nearly died again.
You find yourself smiling at that.
Because of how ridiculous it all was...and how real it seemed.
And because it made you realize how much you still need her around.
You also realize that you don't care how old she looked, that it would never change how you feel.
As long as she keeps smiling up at you like that...you feel like you can go on forever.
You can be a better, stronger man.
For her.
If that's what she needed.
Because, Doctor, that's exactly what you need too.
A light in the dark.
Your one exception.
Because you love her, don't you?
In your own twisted, grumpy, alien sort of way.
But it's so much more than that, isn't it?
So much more than friends...
So much more than just admiration, or loyalty, or respect...
So much more than just romance or silly human notions or ideals of what love should be or look like.
Then again, this was not true love.
True love was perfect.
And you and her...well, you're both pretty damn far from perfect.
You even lied to each others' faces.
More than once.
There had been betrayal on both sides.
You had nasty rows.
Days when you hated the very sight of each other.
Weeks when you had stopped speaking.
Like after the "moon" incident.
Boy, was that a fiasco...he knew he had messed up badly that day.
He had hoped their trip to the Orient Express would patch things up between them.
And in a sort-of round-about way, it did.
And that's when you found out the truth.
That's when she told you...
She probably thought you weren't listening to her conversation with P.E., but you were.
Rather intently.
Oh, and you knew that "I love you" was meant for you, & not P.E.
Well, sort of figured as much.
Actually, it was more of an educated guess.
Okay...maybe more like wishful thinking on your part.
And if it was meant for P.E., then why did she say it so loudly?
Or was she merely making a statement?
Does it even matter anymore?
She even admitted to you in a dream that only one guy had measured up to Danny...going so far as to call him "impossible"...which, it didn't take a screaming genius to work out the meaning she was after.
Reminds you of someone else, doesn't it?
Sarah Jane...
She said something eerily similar once upon a few hundred decades ago...
But at the time, you still couldn't face it, could you?
So you hung your head in silence.
Such a coward, Doctor.
Such a coward in matters of love.
You can face and defeat hundreds of Daleks, Cybermen, & all sorts of monsters without breaking a sweat, but the second a companion says something like that about you or to you...you run away.
But honestly, it wasn't exactly a revelation to hear it.
In fact, it was to be expected.
Entirely too predictable, actually.
Which is why, no matter how much you argue, no matter how much you try to push her away, she will always forgive you...and you will always forgive her.
But you still resist because you think you must.
You still hate hugs.
You still insult her sometimes.
And you can't compliment her without her getting suspicious of your motives.
But that won't stop her...oh no...if anything, your attempts at distancing yourself spur her on more.
Sooner or later, though, this dance you both do will get old.
And then...?
And then...that will be the day you will no longer be the Doctor.
You would rather die than say goodbye to her one last time.
But things never go the way you want them to.
One day, you will go somewhere & somewhen where she cannot follow...no matter how hard she cries, or how much she begs you not to go.
One day, somewhere out there in the future, she will be truly gone.
She'll be just another sad memory.
Another fallen companion.
But for now...he has to remind himself that she is still here with him.
She agreed to come with him, willingly, to see the stars once more.
And he wants them to continue on their shared journey.
She deserves so much more from life...from him.
And he finds that he wants to prove to her that he's as good as his word in that dream they shared.
And it is with that thought in mind when he finally gives in to the hug she is giving him now.
So yes, she is probably surprised when his arms actually wrap themselves around her tightly.
And when they break apart, she darts up to kiss his cheek for the second time in one day.
That's when he does something that surprises them both: he kisses her tenderly on her forehead, and it is so reminiscent of his younger self, she gasps a bit and steps back in shock.
He meanwhile, has already managed to climb the stairs to go sit in his armchair by the bookshelves.
She is utterly stunned into silence.
Staring up at him with those big eyes.
Touching her own forehead lightly, not quite believing if she was still dreaming or not.
So she asks him.
"Doctor...? Wha-...? Why'd you...? Am I still dreaming?"
"No, Clara. You're not."
"But why did you...? I mean...you never do that. Never. Not since..."
"I know. Don't get used to it. That was a...limited-time sort of thing."
"But...does that mean...? Are we...? Do you...? Help me out here, Doctor...why?"
"Truth?"
"Yes."
"Dunno. Felt like it." He shrugs nonchalantly.
At least, that's what he hopes it looks like.
"Don't read too much into it."
He can tell by her face that she's not buying it.
She always knows.
"Um...oh...o-kay...but..."
He cuts her off, switching subjects completely.
"So...anyway...all of time & space! Where do you want to go? I know! What do you say to gate-crashing a royal party, eh? I hear the Thermians can really throw a good Christmas party...and they even have figgy pudding! Or something that tastes like it...although it does sort of look a bit dodgy. Just poke it a bit. Should be fine. So...how bout it then?"
He wiggles his furry eyebrows at her, hoping she'll laugh and take the bait this time.
No such luck.
She's quiet.
Too quiet.
She's looking at the floor.
Not a good sign.
Because that usually means she's thinking about something important.
Something emotional.
And when she finally looks up at him with those big, wet eyes, he knows the game is up.
"Doctor...I...I...I just wanted to say...I mean...I think it's time I told you..."
And now she's glancing at the floor again, a slight blush coloring her cheeks.
So...it's time.
We're here at last.
Actually talking about this.
"Wait. Before you continue, I know. Okay, Clara? I know. You don't have to say anything."
"But...hold on, you didn't let me finish..."
"Because you don't need to. I know what you were going to say. So why embarrass ourselves further? Why do you humans always feel compelled to discuss it?"
This comment seems to anger her, though.
"Because...because we should discuss it! Because it's important! To me! Because...I think I need to hear you say it...confirm it...just once, Doctor. Please. After everything we've gone through tonight...after everything that's happened...I think I deserve it. It's my Christmas wish, Doctor. Please...just do this for me. Besides, I have a sneaking suspicion...that you want to say it too. I think you need to say it. I think you've been saying it all along...and I think I need to hear it. So go on...say it, Doctor. Say it & you better goddamn mean it, too."
She crosses her arms fiercely, determined gleam in her eyes.
She means business.
Oh boy...
You cover your face with your hands.
Look anywhere but at her.
Keep calm.
Stay rational.
"There's no point, Clara. I'm sorry, but...I can't. I can't be that man for you. I'm not Danny and I never will be."
She counters back.
"And I don't want you to be! I never said you were! And I don't expect anything like that from you! I just want..."
She seems to lose steam here.
Pauses.
Sighs.
"I...I love you, Doctor. I want you to know that. Okay? And I don't care if you don't want to hear it. I love you even when you're being a grumpy git because that's who you are, what you have always been...and I think you love me too...and the least you can do, if you actually care for me as much as you claim to, is to stop pretending otherwise!"
Cue awkward silence.
You stare at levers and buttons on the console, but you dare to take a sideways glance.
She just stands there, crying silent tears.
Looking smaller by the second.
Your hearts constrict at the very sight of it.
Your best friend.
Baring her soul to you.
She wants to run and hide in her room now, you can tell.
Time for you to say something back.
Better make it good because she sort of does have a point.
But you're not ready to give in that easily just yet...are you?
He finds himself getting out of the chair, and slowly, step by step, walks down the stairs until you stand right in front of her.
Then you pull her in.
She wraps her arms around your stomach, tightly.
Cries into your suit.
You hold her there...even going so far as to stroke her back in soothing circles.
And then you speak...choosing your words precisely and carefully.
"Clara...my Clara...as you know, this me is not terribly good at this sort of thing, but I'll do my best. I want you to know that yes, I care. I care quite a bit. In fact, I don't think there are words in the human language that can accurately convey my utmost regard for you."
She peeks up at him, a little too hopefully he thinks, for just a second as he says this, but he continues as he looks down at her with a fond smile.
"But I think you still have me confused for one of those 'husband-y type-things' on your planet, Clara. And it's something I simply cannot be. Not to you. Not to anyone. I am still an alien, you know. And I know you know that. And I thank you, Clara. For your kind words, for your patience, for your loyalty, for your friendship, for everything you've ever done for me. You will always be my friend, Clara. A very dear friend. But you can't ask anything more of me than that. After watching so many friends come and go, it's...it's all I'm willing to give."
Silence again.
But it's more of a comfortable silence.
He notices that they are still hugging.
It's the longest hug they have ever shared.
And despite his grumblings against such things before, he finds that he cannot let go of her just yet.
And the feeling must be mutual, because she doesn't let go either.
Then, out of the blue...
"Do you love me, Doctor?"
He swallows hard.
He doesn't answer, because he can't.
He's tired and he doesn't want to hurt her.
He doesn't want to fight anymore with her about this.
"Doctor...Do. You. Love me? Yes or no?"
Despite being muffled against his shirt, her voice is commanding and resolute.
"Clara...I just told you...I can't...I can't be...well, what you human girls want me to be!"
"And I just told you that I don't hold you to those same standards!"
"Oh, you all say that...but we both know it isn't true..."
Looking back, that last flippant comment may have been a mistake.
Probably.
Most definitely.
She immediately breaks the hug.
Hurt, anger, & fury boil up to the surface.
Fists clenched at her sides.
"ARRRRGH! WHY!? Why can't you just admit it for once!? Why do I always have to do all the work? Huh? Tell me! Why, Doctor? Hmm? Why?"
For some odd reason...you start chuckling to yourself.
Shake your head in amusement.
She's being ridiculous.
You're being ridiculous.
This whole situation is ridiculous.
You can think of a million better, more interesting things you both could be doing...so many wonders still to show her...impress her with...instead, you are wasting time fighting over...over what?
What is this row even about?
So...she loves you.
Awesome.
Wonderful.
Why is she so angry then?
Oh right...
Because she's still waiting for you to say it back.
Doesn't she know, though?
Doesn't she get it by now?
Doesn't she see how much you need her?
Doesn't she know how much sway she already has over you?
That this is not something worth arguing over because it's a moot point, anyway?
That the war is already won?
You'd think, that after he willingly traveled to hell and back, just to retrieve her human boyfriend, she would understand just how important she was to him...that he would do anything for her if she asked.
That he would do anything to keep her safe & happy.
Apparently not.
So...maybe...maybe, just this once, he would make an exception and show her.
After all, it is Christmas.
"Clara..."
"What!?"
"Come here. Please."
You beckon her over with a wave if your hand.
She was a mess.
Glaring daggers.
Crossed arms.
Red, puffy eyes.
Her body language screaming, "I want to hate you!"
But she still obeyed, which spoke volumes.
It was encouraging, at least.
She stands before you, staring at her feet.
"Clara...ehm...just...just do me a favor, okay? Close your eyes. That's all. Just close your eyes until I say 'when'. Deal?"
"Doctor...!" she warned.
"Do as you're told. Please."
You make sure to use a softer tone when you say it so that she would know it was important.
Then you put your hands squarely on her shoulders, the way she did to you not so long ago.
She doesn't know what to expect from him at this point...but then, he was always a mite unpredictable.
But she definitely, not in a million years, expected him to do what he does next...
You bend down, very slowly, inch by inch, and kiss her.
Not on the forehead or her hands or her cheek...but on her lips.
Lightly.
Softly.
Tentatively.
Like a whisper.
Barely touching...but there's still a slight sense of pressure & breath.
But she catches on quickly.
Always been a fast learner, Clara.
Pretty soon, she's kissing you right back with equal fervor.
They would stop, separate, then go in again.
Once, twice...thrice.
Quick, short little pecks but with more grace...testing the waters, so to speak.
Meanwhile, her arms have encircled your waist and yours have wrapped around her back.
She thought back to when one of her echoes had kissed him...the younger him...and remembered how he had tasted then...but now...this was different. He tasted different, but somehow, still the same.
The memory makes her smile into the kiss.
So this is what the universe tastes like...
His thoughts, though...are far from happy.
Because he knows this is a game-changer for them both.
He breaks away, even as she clings on, because he knows this was only meant to be a consolation, a kindness on his part to calm her fears & doubts...to allow some semblance of happiness into her recently darkened life.
And because...well...like he said before...he is selfish.
And a fool.
"What have I done?" he whispers to himself...
He distances himself away from her, embarrassed & frustrated.
Takes a few quick steps back...head down, teeth gritted.
"I...ehm...I'm sorry...I shouldn't have assumed-...that was wrong of me. Very wrong, indeed. I...forgive me, Clara. I'm a selfish old bugger...I should never have done that."
And he immediately walks away, turning his back...chiding himself.
She's confused.
Hurt.
Puzzled by this turn of events.
"I...wha-? Doctor...it...it was fine. Unexpected, but fine. Good, actually."
She's smiling shyly at him now...looking at him with those big round eyes that inflate...
Some sort of epiphany magnifying across her features, brightening them.
Looking at him anew...like a revelation.
"Doctor, really. It's fine. You just surprised me is all...I didn't think this version of you would..."
"Would make a damn fool of himself!? Like some inexperienced teenager!?"
His anguished outburst scared her a bit, but not too much.
She was used to his moodiness by now.
His words were muffled, which meant that he probably had his hands covering his face.
"No! No. Not what I was gonna say. So stop putting yourself down like that. Honestly! No, what I was gonna say is that...I didn't expect this you to be so...so..."
"So...stupid? So disgusting? So catastrophically insane? What!?"
"Knock it off! Stop! Put your hands down, Doctor, and come over here. Please? I...I just want us to be honest with one another. I want us to be OK. This doesn't need to be so awkward...considering our conversation earlier..."
He finally turned around.
Let out a long, deep sigh.
Fists clenching and un-clenching at his sides.
Soulful, sad blue eyes glanced back at her, regret tinging his voice, he finally spoke:
"But that's just it, Clara...I stepped over a line. A line that I promised myself I would never step over when it comes to my companions. At least, not again. It never ends well, Clara...you've seen enough of my life to know it's true."
"Doesn't change the facts, Doctor. You kissed me. I kissed you back. And you know what? I liked it! Thing is, we should have done that a long time ago."
"NO, Clara! No. We shouldn't have. We really, really shouldn't have."
"And since when do you get to decide that sort of thing, hmm?"
Ah, annoyance.
Annoyance he could deal with.
Maybe they could talk about this rationally after all.
"Since ever, Clara! My ship. My rules. My decision."
Now her anger flared.
"Um...OK...hold on, just one second, Doctor! I...we...you...ARGH! DOCTOR! Why do you have to make this so bloody difficult all the time!?"
Now she covered her face with her hands in frustration.
"Well...ah...it's...ehm...because it's us, Clara. You...and me...and emotions...and all sorts of expectations that go with all the implications..."
"What...? What are you smoking, Doctor? Seriously! This isn't rocket science. OK, yeah...it's a bit weird. We're best friends. And my boyfriend died recently and then got brought back to life as a Cybermen because of some evil plot thought up your evil Time Lord girlfriend...and we barely survived another bloomin Christmas involving monsters...so yeah, OK, point taken. It's been a weird couple of months."
"Oh, ya think?" he muttered sarcastically.
She shot him a momentary glare.
Groaned angrily to herself.
Pinched her nose between two fingers.
"But...look, Doctor...I'm not sorry. I think you needed that, just as much as I did. I...I'm glad. It was sweet, Doctor. It doesn't mean I expect it to be a regular thing with us."
"Uuuuh..no. It will not. So don't..."
She cut him off.
"But it was nice to know that you care about me that much to want to try something like that. And...I know you're not my boyfriend, Doctor. I don't...I don't want you to feel...pressured...into anything. I just want to keep traveling with you. That's all I want from you. OK?"
He'd been listening intently...the whole way through...and when she was done, he simply said: "OK."
"Now come here, you crazy sod, and give me a hug."
He blanched & squirmed at that.
Held up his hands in defense.
"Ehm...if it's all the same to you, I think I've had enough of the touchy-feely stuff, today, eh? I'd like to get back to our normal schedule now."
She snorted.
"Ugh. Fine. Spoil-sport. But...since when is anything we do considered 'normal', Doctor?"
"Hey! That's enough out of you, missy! Any more sass like that from you and I'll drop you off somewhere cold & rainy & miserable. Alright?"
Clara snorted again, rolled her eyes.
"What? Like Bristol? That's like home. If you're gonna threaten me Doctor, at least make it good."
"Keep talkin' like that and maybe I will."
"Is this you...what? Flirting? Bantering? Oh my stars...call the space police! The Doctor is bantering with me!"
She starts laughing uncontrollably.
He points a stern, scolding finger at her.
"I. AM. NOT. BANTERING. OK? I hate bantering."
"No, you don't."
"Yes...I do."
"No, you don't."
"YES. I. DO."
"Don't."
At this point, she's wandering away from him, down the corridor.
"Hey, where are you going? Clara? CLARA?"
"I'm in my nightie, Doctor...and unless you wanted to follow up on that kiss & all that 'not-bantering', I need to change out of these clothes before we go anywhere else."
She winked at him over her shoulder before she disappeared around the corner.
For the second time that day, the Doctor finds himself muttering the words: "What have I done?"
But then, this is followed by: "Clara...my Clara...what have you done to me?"
And suddenly, he's reminded of another day, another time...
His 11th self, watching coyly as Clara exits the TARDIS after the Cyberman incident...
Those damn short skirts.
Hooked, line, & sinker.
And their kiss not moments ago...did he really regret it?
He then decided in the grand scheme of things, everything considered, he did not.
He grinned smugly.
Yup. Still got it.
THE END
A/N: So...yeah. Happy ending. Go figure. Didn't plan on it. Sorta just happened that way. I hope it's not too cliché. Although, there's a really good chance it might be. Don't care, really. If you like this story, awesome. If you don't...well, can't please everybody, I suppose. Haters gonna hate.
Sooo...weeeee! 9th Season being filmed now! WOOT! Looking forward to it! Hope the Whovians of the world are just as excited! It's gonna be a whopper. Over & out.