Tired. That was the only feeling Dr Zoe Hanna had time, or room for at the moment. Her role as Clinical Lead was taking its toll, spending many late nights finishing up paperwork that had been littering her desk for weeks. It was all of her own doing really, she had let it all pile up and ignored it all for far too long. The comments from Connie had started to grate, and then Charlie had joined in, both pointing out her managerial failings. So Zoe decided to put a stop to it all, just do the damn paperwork, go to the meetings and then they'll leave you alone to get on with the real job; being a doctor.
So, it was a good feeling; in a way. Being tired, some how made her feel as if she was doing her job properly, no one could criticise her after pulling her third eighteen hour shift in a week. Somewhere in the back of her mind the feeling that she was not right for the job had started to grow, but however true these feelings were, Zoe was determined to be the best Clinical Lead she could be before she considered handing Connie the job on a platter.
Her personal life had suffered under this new regime, or what was left of it had. There had been no trysts of any kind with Max, planned or unplanned. No partying or excessive drinking (although sometimes a glass of wine really did seem to help with the paperwork) and while at work she had drastically cut down on cigarettes; mainly owing to the fact that brakes were hard to come by when there's a whole hospital full of people wanting your attention, and you're trying to impress them all.
Today would follow the same formula; Zoe arrived earlier than most of the staff, finding that the extra half hour really helped her get a jump on the handover. Fifteen minutes to sift through the torrent of emails she has the delight of appraising every morning, and another fifteen to get a run-down of any major changes in patient care. As it happened, today looked like every other day; busy. The late nights were starting to catch up with Zoe, the aching muscles and tight eyelids were definitely cause to move onto her second cup of coffee this morning, all before 7:30 AM.
Despite feeling particularly exhausted today, one thing that never failed to make Dr. Hanna smile was the sour look on Connie's face when she arrives ever earlier each day, walking into her office to find Zoe's bag already on the desk and her jacket hanging up. Still smiling Zoe walked past their windowed office smirking and into ED reception where Tess had arrived, looking chirpy and refreshed as always.
"Morning Tess" she greeted.
Tess looked at her with a mixture of shock and delight "Good morning Zoe, you've been here before me every day this week, that's not like you…"
Zoe shrugged her shoulders and smiled "That's kind of the point I guess…"
"Well now you're just trying to impress me" Tess laughed as she bustled past into the staff room.
"Yes" replied Zoe "Very funny".
Most of the morning went by in a flurry of activity, cubicles first, then onto referrals. Another coffee, things to sign, incoming trauma. Meeting. Lunch time came and went, it had come to the point where Zoe had stopped making herself food to take in, the hospital café was only two floors down and the sandwiches weren't that bad. But no such luck today; that was the problem with being the boss, nobody asks if you need a break.
There seemed to be a lull half way through Zoe's shift, at which time both her brain and stomach seemed to think that sandwich would be really good right now, and a cigarette wouldn't go amiss either. The gentle fuzziness that had crept in over the morning hadn't been lost on the Doctor, Zoe knew she had been asking a lot of her body recently, using far more up than she was putting in. And being the new, sensible, Clinical Lead Zoe, she knew her body was telling her to ease up a little. With this in mind she steered herself towards the café, intent on having at least one break today.
On the way to the café, Zoe's pager bleeped. She stopped immediately and her hand went to her waist where the pager was secured. Before looking at it she took a moment, lowered her hand and started walking again, the sound of her heels clicking determinedly around the corridor. Trying to ignore the niggle of guilt caused by not answering what might have been an emergency, she marched on set on having some lunch.
As she approached the door of the café, she stretched her arm out ready to open it. Before she had the chance the door was wrenched open and none other than Connie came barrelling through. Having almost knocked Zoe clean off her feet Connie abruptly stopped looking at her with an almost annoyed urgency…
"Didn't you hear your pager? Incoming trauma, we need to get a move on."
Zoe opened her mouth to say that she would grab a sandwich and be there, but before the words came out Connie was already striding off down the corridor and with a rueful look through the café door window, and a roll of her eyes, Zoe was hot on her heels back to Resus. Not wanting to give the staff yet another reason to question her role as clinical lead.
The next few hours passed in a flurry of 'chasing up this', 'checking on that' and organising the treatment of the latest trauma victim. Once everything had calmed down, there was only an hour left of Zoe's shift, feeling beyond hungry now and fit to drop she grabbed a coffee and went to her office to finish up the days paperwork. The mountain that had piled up on her desk since this morning was considerable, but the sooner she started, the sooner she could leave.
Paper work was boring, she had always found it so. The bureaucracy of medicine was not something she enjoyed, endless reams of forms and things to review. Zoe's eyes started to zone out, and her concentration was at an all-time low, putting a cool hand to her aching head she decided that enough was enough today.
As she was packing up her things Tess entered the office,
"Dr Hanna, are you leaving early?"
"I'm not leaving early Tess, I'm due to finish in ten minutes and I haven't had a break yet today, I need to lie down in a dark room for a while" Zoe brushed the back of her hand over her head again, gripping the desk with her other hand for support.
"I see" Tess replied somewhere between concern for her clinical lead, and disapproval at her clocking off while there are still things to be done. "Well before you go, could I borrow you for a quick chat?"
"Uh sure, come in and close the door…" Zoe somewhat reluctantly agreed as she shed her coat and slumped back down in her office chair. Tess took the chair opposite and launched into what sounded like a speech, about what Zoe couldn't be sure. Only catching the odd word like staffing, budget and review board, none of which sounded positive. Feeling her focus drift, she tried concentrating hard on what Tess was saying but her vision was starting to blur and she started to lament that missed sandwich at lunch.
"…So I know they won't like it, but it just doesn't make sense to continue to pay almost twice as much hiring an agency nurse when we know we're going to be short staffed in the long run…" Tess finished her impassioned rambling and looked across the desk to find Zoe not paying her the slightest bit of attention.
Tess sighed in frustration "Hello, earth to Zoe" upon hearing her name Zoe looked up with a confused expression, Tess stood up rather abruptly and gave her a reproaching look "Have you been listening to a word I've said?"
Standing up with a wobble Zoe replied "Sorry Tess, I um… Can this wait till tomorrow?" She once again had to anchor herself to the desk for support, just wanting Tess to leave so she could sort herself out, some food and a few paracetamol and she'd be good as new.
Tess let the question hang in the air as she observed her colleague, the Dr swayed where she stood and had the desk in some sort of death grip, her knuckles turning white and her gaze unfocused. "Dr Hanna, are you alright?" She tried a caring tone, but her annoyance still came through loud and clear.
"I'm fine Tess, I just need to get home" the older woman looked unconvinced, but Zoe offered her a small smile as she turned on the spot to put her coat back on. As she reached around her head swam and her vision tunnelled.
The last thought through her mind before she hit the floor (and rather skilfully most obstacles on the way) was 'bugger.'
When Zoe came round the blinds of her office had been shut and Tess was prodding most painfully at her head, she raised her arm to bat the hand away but the gesture turned out too feeble to have any affect. Blinking her confusion away Zoe shifted to a more comfortable position as she'd been propped up against the sofa, Tess sat back from her kneeling position coming fully into Zoe's view. Raising a hand to her head she felt a small patch of gauze that smarted when she pressed on it.
"It's only a small laceration, I've sterilised and covered it. You have a few bruises but other than that you'll live" The older woman gave an encouraging smile and tilted her head to the side, at which time Zoe knew that a lecture about taking care of herself was about to follow. As predicted, Tess continued in a motherly tone "I'm not going to sit here and give you a lecture as I'm sure you know your body's limits. But it's not safe for you to be walking around like this, if you're ill, you take the day off."
Zoe sighed and raised a hand to her head, although only rubbing lightly this time, "I'm not ill Tess, I just haven't had a break yet today, and I still haven't got round to having breakfast, let alone lunch."
"Well then you have to be more strict about taking breaks, I know there are always things to do and we just forget, I do it all the time. But if I need a break, I take one. The E.D can cope with you taking a few minutes out if it's going to prevent you from fainting all about the place" She gave a small chuckle and tried to catch Zoe's gaze which was pointed firmly at her lap.
A few seconds of silence passed before Zoe replied, not seeming able to stop once she'd started: "I'm just trying to do my job, I can't seem to get anything right, I can't bare the way that Connie looks at me. We all know she'd be better at the job and I thought she'd get it, but they gave it me so I'm trying to make the best go of it I can. But I feel like I'm walking around with a target stuck on my back. I've been so on top of everything this week, I've stayed in every night, completed all my paperwork and done at least twenty hours over time in the E.D. But I haven't slept, I can't remember when I last ate anything that didn't come from the vending machine, I can't keep up, I just think that I'm not good enough to do this job."
Zoe finished and heaved a sigh heavy with relief, she had needed to get it off her chest for a while, but the last person she imagined ranting and raving to was Tess Bateman. She anticipated some kind of 'deal with it' response to the outburst, but none came. She felt Tess's hand squeeze her arm in a supposedly comforting gesture.
"We all struggle sometimes, and Clinical Lead is a big responsibility, and yes you've had your fair share of hiccups in the last few months but no one expects you to be perfect at it. It's true that Connie might have been a bit more efficient, but she'd probably be monitoring everything, including toilet breaks and who knows what else. I know everyone seems to be directing their frustrations at you, but it's a stressful time, nobody feels like their job is secure. So just remember that paperwork isn't everything, and you need to put things into your body to keep it running. Okay?"
Pulling herself up with slightly shaking arms Zoe smiled, feeling a tad embarrassed. "Thanks Tess, sorry for losing it in front of you, I feel stupid now. And cheers for patching up my head"
"Well hopefully it might have knocked some sense into you!" She said with a wry smile "you best not drive home though, and get a good night's sleep, I don't want to see you here until you've had at least ten hours" Throwing a meaningful look at Zoe over her shoulder she left the office.
Walking slowly this time, Zoe collected her coat and bag. She felt in need of a hug, a large glass of wine and about a year of sleep. With this in mind she pulled out her phone and dialled Max…
Thanks for reading! :)