The Comical Relief Tales Of A Miranda…
And other burra-hobbits
In the deep of Mirkwood a horn sounded, signaling the beginning of the hunt. The wood elves were hunting A Miranda to be a sacrifice.
Now don't ask me what A Miranda is, I don't even know, but it is apparently a she. She could be a horse or a dog, know one knows, but I do know from myth and lore, that A Miranda is a wild, odd thing and though not extremely dangerous (but to your mental health she is and don't ask me how, because that is another mystery that will never apparently solved) every one is afraid of her. Now can I return to this stupid tale? Good.
The sacrifice that A Miranda was needed for, was for the Prince of Mirkwood, Legolas Greenleaf (or in just plain English- Greenleaf Greenleaf) A Miranda was needed to sing for the Prince to heal a wound that he was given in battle by a warg. Once finally caught, after quite a struggle in the forest with the large spiders who had somehow managed to catch her in their webs, the vocal noises made by A Miranda healed the grateful and yet ungrateful prince, for he had not said so much as a "thank you" after having to listen to an hour worth of horrible music. What was in some countries called music (though not anywhere near Middle Earth) had broken the spell binding the front cave door as well as shaking the stones and dirt from the caverns ceiling causing five collapses. One on the king himself!
A Miranda was put in shackles, a straitjacket and an impenetrable glass muzzle and taken to the deepest, darkest dungeon. The same dungeon where 123 years, 4 months, 5 days, 6 hours, 37 minutes, 89 seconds, and 10 milliseconds, to be very precise, Thorin himself was held captive on his trip to the lonely mountain. A Miranda was given an orc to eat, since know one knows what she really eats, and besides the orc was the next unwanted creature to be caught. She was held captive there, forcing her guards to listen to her never ending ranting and it was not like she had anything better to do if you are complaining already.
***
One day while Gandalf the Blue was visiting the cavern, and since the door still was not fixed (the magic that bound it has long been forgotten), he was imported to try to fix the door and if he could put a stronger spell on it that is A Miranda proof. Gandalf upon noticing that everyone was avoiding him demanded to be told why from the King. The King then asked his courtiers who, after more demands told the king in whispers that "anything that can fix HER evil spell, is evil themselves." And that was all he could get out of them for a long time(well a short time in the woodelves life span). When the King told Gandalf the Blue what his courtiers had whispered and after explaining as best he could, with out the knowledge of what she is, about A Miranda to a Gandalf the Blue who had already begun roaring with laughter.
After several deep breaths and wiping tears from his eyes, Gandalf the Blue demanded to be taken to this creature, stating " that it would help to fix your front door faster, instead of having to sit on the doorstep and think of the spell. Or I could go and tell Necromancer that your cavern is not capable to withstand an attack." After looking at it the threatening way the King ordered two guards to take him "to their captive" and after waiting impatiently for several minutes till they composed what was left of their composure (they were crying like little girls because they didn't want to go near her). They followed Gandalf the Blue, then after fully regaining their composure they lead the way down a twist of endless mazes and labyrinths, then suddenly stopped in the middle of a hall, causing Gandalf to fall on top of them. Hitting the rough floor the guards motioned for Gandalf the Blue to continue on down the hall. After hastily smacking the guards for their incompetence he got up and began walking down the hall muttering under his breath. He was mostly muttering at how foolish elves could be, when the guards suddenly called out to Gandalf to "hold your head when you go near her…" and shut instantly up thinking they had said too much.
Meanwhile A Miranda was starring at the orc she was supposed to eat. The orc began starring hungrily back at her, then began to advance trying to grab her when, Wham! The orc got a slap in the head, returning stunned to his corner. "Weren't you told that it is not polite to eat a lady? I'm hungry to but at least I don't eat the first thing I see." The orc who had yet again begun to stare at A Miranda began to drool. Smack! " It is not polite to drool in a lady's presence." An old blue man stepped into view from the barred door, "hello?"
"Hello, do you have food? I mean REAL food…? No? To bad." A Miranda says with a sigh.
"Oh you talk, how… nice."
"Yes. You blue man are stating the obvious, I shall call you Captain Obvious. I can do what you call talk, more than this overgrown skin purse cowering in the corner can do. But can you tell this large ugly creature that it is not polite to drool or eat a lady in that lady's presence." The only thing Gandalf does is look at her amazed at the riddles she speaks, more confusing than his own riddles, now he knew what the guards were talking about. " And maybe you could give me the curtsey of sending a decent meal down here, where ever here is… and maybe some decent clean air (both look at orc, who shrugs) would be nice to freshen up this large, though rather cramped (yet again both look at the orc who is to blame) brown box? Then we might be able to get somewhere."
"What is this somewhere that you speak of?" riddles the blue man, formerly known as Captain Obvious "and maybe you could tell me of what business brings you here?"
"Well here, I was told that I was going to be a sacrifice and at this state I am very pleased to be a sacrifice... to have a apple in my mouth, mumm." As A Miranda drifts off into wondrous thought of food, the orc yet again advances. Wham! The orc gets hit, again.
"A large talk-it-ive and rather violent mouth it is, tell me does it ever stay shut for a proper amount of time to take a breath?"
"Do you?"
"Well stated…what do you want to eat, may I truly inquire?"
"I do not recognize these words you use, speak English… Ok, still not getting anywhere, maybe a hamburger and fries to humble the hungry…please?"
"What is this hamburger that you speak of?"
"You know… ok so you don't, a hamburger is basically cow meat in a patty with cut up baked potato slices that are called french fries. Oh forget it, just bring me a cow and I will make a hamburger myself." Poof! A cow appeared, making the dungeon even more cramped, and all still blamed it on the orc. "Wow! That was like magic or something!"
"For the higher being that you appear to be, playing with Valor like that, you are very narrow minded, much like Peregrin Took." A Miranda still focused on the cow in front of her asks,
" How am I supposed to eat it?" Poof! Appeared a piece of paper. "Ok less risk of hurting myself, but couldn't you have done much better, like a letter opener or something just as not sharp?" Once again Gandalf stares dumbfounded. "Fine, fine, paper, paper cut, not a good idea must be careful, now for food." She raises her arm with the paper to cut the cow, and possibly threaten the cowering orc who at this point after being smacked so many times was beginning to resemble a baboon, and Swoosh, a squirt of blood. "Oh, help. Now how did I do that? Some how I cut my leg and it, well hurts." Gandalf begins to giggle (giggle, a grown man giggle? I'm writing this and it is confusing me), "ok I am bleeding profusely now, could I perhaps have a Band-Aid, maybe a large Band-Aid…oh come on help! Maybe I could use a shirt, or a towel, something, help!" A chuckle now, accompinied by some snorts. "Help… everything… going black..."
"Hum" stops chuckling; "she fainted." The orc slipped past the cow and slowly came up to A Miranda when, Smack!
"Weren't you ever told never creep up on a fainted person you creep?" The orc covering his face from A Miranda quickly backed into the cow. Moooo!
"Ahhhhhhhhhhh" shereked the orc, just like a newborn child. Laughter now proceeding at full speed. The orc turned around running smack into the stonewall, and falling unconscious underneath the cows face.
" Hope that did not, ok I lied, I hope that did do some permanent damage to his already puny brain." A full roar came from outside the dungeon. "Oh and STILL need a Band-Aid." The orc slowly awoke to a …moo! Another scream, getting milk into the orcs eye for startling the cow. More laughterous roar from outside the dungeon. The orc screamed again and upon trying to get up accidentally tipped the cow over, killing it. "That's one way to do the job, now why didn't I think of that, oh yah because (Slap!) It is harmful to animals. (Slap!)"
"Maybe the orc has a larger brain than you, no wait you confuse even me, the smartest wizard, never mind."
"Don't make me hit you either. You really think highly of yourself, Captain Obvious and you said that you are smart, I confuse everyone even back home."
"And where is that home?" then muttering under breath "so we could happily return you to people who are probably annoyed enough with her already so that they will kill her and I won't have to get my nice, neat hands dirty"
"I heard that! Oh and your hands are already dirty."
"What? Ahhhhh. Oh you were joking you scoundrel."
"Thank you, thank you very much" smirks and speaks much like Elvis.
"Those of you uneducated people, or just the ones with only half a brain, Elvis is a major part of our musical history (to which this story is somehow connected), he goes back, ok so I'm not that old and I forgot the date anyway."
"Who was that person?"
"No idea my guess is the narrator or author, who is doing an excellent job AT FULLY TICKING ME OFF!"
"I didn't know that you were a clock."(That was the author) A Miranda started laughing along with the orc who has once again returned to cowering in the corner, because even though the cow is dead, he's still afraid of it. When noticing that the orc is afraid of the cow A Miranda questioned to herself, " and I thought orcs were scared only of their reflection, no wait, I don't remember what is afraid of their reflection. It will come to me sooner or later (speaking about both the orc and who ever is afraid of their reflection)."
"If I were the writer I would tick you off to, and orcs have their weaknesses too, mine happens to be that" (and that was the stupid ugly orc pointing to the cow).
"Oh! The stupid ugly thing can talk, good, now you can shut up." A Miranda begins to raise her hand at the orc but he turns and smacks his own head on the wall, knocking himself out. "Well at least we don't have to deal with him anymore…wait what is that smell? (Sniffs the air) oh Valor it is the orc!" A Miranda runs to the dungeon door, at least as far as she could go near the door after trying to run with heavy metal shackles around her feet. "Let me out, let me out, I can't breathe! Oh the stench, oh the humanity!"
"I should leave you in there for agreeing with the stupid, idiotic, rude, mean…"
"Are you going to continue because I am about to faint and besides I would stop it before she writes in something really bad to happen to you, like oh say, locking YOU in hear with Mr. Smelly!"
"OK just don't give IT anymore ideas!"
"Deal, now hurry I can't breath, gasping for breath here, dying from stench, fumes starting to get to brain, unbearable… oh thank you for FINALLY (smack!) Opening the door!" tries to run through the door, but is still shackled "help!" Poof! A spoon appeared! "What am I to do with a spoon? And I can't use my arms, remember, they are behind me, (starts bashing it against the shackle with the spoon in her mouth)."
"No, no, no you are using it wrong, use the end of the spoon as a key…wrong end." Click!
"I'm free, I'm free, (tries to stand up but is still in her straitjacket). Don't suppose you could help me out of this? Oh Valor, the smell, ok I'm coming."
"Now that I helped you, could you help me fix the cavern door, and since I am going to get into trouble with the king for letting you out, could you sometime show me how to make this hamburger thing that you spoke of. By the way we, I mean you should keep quiet since the king will be mad enough for letting you out but to take off your shackles, but somehow sound still comes through your glass muzzle. How much on Valor's side are you? Hold on the muzzle is cracked! That was supposed to be impenetrable!"
"What ever you say Captain Obvious. I guess Mr. Smelly cracked it after I fainted"
"I don't see how that is possible but stop calling me that! I am Gandalf the Blue, call me that." Locks the door behind A Miranda, locking the smelly orc with the poor dead cow.
A Miranda had slowly started singing "This is the song that never ends" while walking down the hall to meet the guards.
Gandalf who had begun to give A Miranda the death glare finally spoke up asking A Miranda sternly "I thought I told you to stay quite while it is unknown that you are out of your dungeon." So because the author of this story still wants to tick Gandalf off more, A Miranda starts to hum the song instead of just singing it horribly.
After a while they appeared in the sight of the guards who instantly started weeping again at the sight of her. A Miranda still had the spoon with her and had begun brandishing her spoon in her mouth and accidently cut off one of the guard's arms just as the king stepped into the hallway from another passage.
"Why is my best archers arm on the ground? Why is his arm, well where his arm used to be, bleeding profusely? Why is SHE out of her dungeon? Why did you let her out Gandalf? Why is she trying to attach his arm on his head?" A Miranda who had just been caught as she had been trying to… well yes since there is not other way to put it, attach the guards arm to his head she carefully laid his arm across his shoulder and began sing "this is the king that never shuts up in her head. What? You don't know that song? Well I don't either but that is what she began to sing in her head for about twenty minutes until she heard her name mentioned and she tuned back into what the king was saying.
"Why do you want to keep her Gandalf? Why should I let her become your responsibility? Why am I asking WHY? Why are you questioning my authority? Why AM I asking why? Why is it beginning to really smell?" All look at A Miranda who stared blankly at them for she had tuned out again and when she noticed them all staring at her…
"What? It's not me, honestly people that smell is Mr. Smelly in his grouse flesh. Really."
"Why is she talking? Why don't we all follow my idea? Why doesn't gandalf go lock her back up, no wait I have a better idea? Why doesn't Gandalf go kill her? Why am I getting better ideas than the last? Why doesn't Gandalf take HER away and never return? Why don't you do it NOW?"
"Well your highness (a Miranda thinks "he is high wait I thought he was king and was supposed to be calm and sober?) If you had listened earlier, well twenty minutes ago I suggested that question but you disregarded MY authority Again. If you had come to that conclusion earlier everyone present would have been spared this never ending stupid speech and we could all be doing something useful right now."
"Why did I just get a good idea for everyone to do? Why doesn't everyone EVACUATE the cavern palace? Why doesn't Gandalf take HER far far away? WHY isn't anyone evacuating the palace?" and so the palace and all nearby premises were evacuated due to the horrid smell. Gandalf and A Miranda were sent on their way.
Leaving the mirkwood forest A Miranda early in the morning before the sun rises after spending a good part of the night laughing at A Miranda and her paper cut which was still bleeding steadily and having to put up with the king the next day came upon our two annoying main characters as they were leaving Mirkwood. A Miranda started singing "John Jacob Jingle Himmer Smith" in her head. When she arrived at the part where she would scream "John Jacob Jingle Himmer Smith, Da da da da da da da" she gave into the impulse to scream the words. She walked into a sharp point, for A Miranda had not noticed that when she had screamed all the woodelves that had been following them for some reason, on the tree branches had jumped down and surrounded her. They had their arrows strung on their bows forming a circle around her.
"Do want me to leave or not? Are you afraid of me hurting myself, ok again, or hurting Gandalf or….."
And as you can imagine since the woodelves had ticked her off and for some unknown reason they would not let her leave so she yelled at them till 3 in the morning the next day. Which they were held captive where they stood because a Miranda would not shut up and stop scolding them for not letting her leave as the king wanted, as well as what everyone else wanted. Every time one of the elves would try to sneak away a Miranda would notice and begin her speal all over again.
Finally the next day the woodelves were able to shut a Miranda up and make gandalf stop laughing. And they sent them on their way making them promise only to return when a Miranda is less annoying and not ticked off. If you have noticed the elves were smart on their part because they to, as you have already, noticed that a Miranda is not and never will be less annoying and if you tell her that she will most likely get ticked off at you, so please don't for your own sanity, and so a Miranda could never return to mirkwood forest.
"Ok time for you to review. Did you like? Did you laugh? Did you want to throw yourself out of I three-story window? I know I did. But please review so a Miranda could get the bath she so desperately needs since she has begun to smell like Mr. Smelly. Ok I would like to thank Gandalf and…. Oh time is up, so join me next time for… The Next Chapter!!!! Yeah!!!! (That was said like a game show or an awards show). Don't you just love my insaneness? I know I do for it is my best friend and keeps me warm and crazy."