A/N: so I got really bored and, on a whim, clicked on my recycle bin on my desktop. Lo and behold, a TON of Lily and James plot bunnies! So I says to myself, "Self...why not weave all these random story starters into one big, huge mega story!" and Self answers back, "But shouldn't you go to sleep. It's 2:30 in the morning. "Self, shut up!" and I proceed to cackle Dr. Frankenstien-like, lightening crashes and I get to typing like a madman.
Cut to now. I'm really bored...again. You know that point in summer vacation where you have done everything you can do and school starts very soon (like end of the week soon! aaah! the horror!)? well, i says to myself (you noticing a pattern here?), "Self, let's upload yet another story to the one we started to piece together last night. Self snored, so without other judgement, here you are!
(insert majestic fanfare)
My attempt of purging my recycle bin!
Disclaimer: it should be obvious by now. I'm not JK Rowling! Get off my back!
And to all the people who read 'Sweet Transvestite' and reviewed, thanks! glad you liked it. I personally couldn't stop laughing while I wrote it. I think my mom is starting to believe I'm mental.
On with the story!
o.O
Ch.1: Practice and a Plan
"C'mon, you pansies, it's only a bit of rain!" James Potter yelled.
On the contrary, it was quite a bit of rain that was currently falling from the sky, in the violent, all-hell-hath-broke-loose manner many fall storms tend to have. However, James was hoping that by lying to his team that this was a mild spring shower that would soon pass, they would believe him.
"A bit of rain! Potter, I won't be dry till August!"
No such luck. Damn, James thought.
"Shut up, Montez, or I'll be sure you're playing until August!" James snapped back. He returned to the mock game he had set up and tried to find the goal posts so he could shoot the Quaffle. It's times like these when I wish I didn't have glasses, James though irritably as he pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose for the gazillioth time. He squinted yet again, but instead of seeing a hoop, he was met with a rather pitiful-looking Sirius Black.
"Mate, call it off," Black panted. His shaggy hair stuck to his neck and was plastered to his forehead. He tried to shake it out of his eyes, but to no avail. "Everyone's wet and pissy and my hair looks horrible."
James smirked. "Well, I'm sorry," he started to say, but Sirius wasn't done.
"And onto of all this, Montez has the brilliant idea to do nothing but pelt me with Bludgers."
"Well, technically, you two are playing against each other in this practice and – "
"But does that mean she has to aim at my crotch?"
"Oh, all right," James grumbled, conjured up a whistle. He blew half a lung out, trying to make sure the team heard it over the tempest. He and his best mate landed on the ground. When they managed to escape the gusts of wind and icy rain and duck into the team's locker rooms, a group of tired, bedraggled teenagers met them, all looking like they would fall dead in an instant.
"Good practice, you lot, but not near good enough to beat Slytherin next weekend. Montez, no more hitting Sirius in the crotch with Bludgers," James reprimanded.
A stern-faced Spaniard girl looked confidently back at him. "Even though there's nothing there to hurt?" she fired back.
"I can think of a thousand girls in Hogwarts who can vouch that I do have a cock, thank you very much, Allie," Sirius said coolly.
"Is James one of them?"
"Shut up you two. Montez, I'm talking to you after," James snapped at her.
"Aye, aye captain," she saluted before slumping back down.
"Like I was saying," James continued. "You all need to shape up before next weekend. No more complaining about the weather, taking frustrations out on team members, or back talking. Save all that for when you whip some Ravenclaw ass. Meet back here tomorrow, same time, same place. Anyone who doesn't won't be playing, clear?"
An indistinguishable murmur rose from the seven-member blob in front of him. He took that as an affirmative and dismissed them. Slowly, all but he, Sirius, and Aliana remained.
Aliana Montez was a Spaniard by birth, whose parents had moved to England when she was nine. Her hair, which usually hung straight to her shoulders save a few gentle curls on the ends, was currently sleeked back and curling tightly from the rain. Her skin was strikingly pale and she had large gold-brown eyes. Upon close inspection, she was a rather beautiful girl when she wasn't covered in mud. James would date her in an instant if it weren't for three things: one, she was best friends with Lily Evans, two, he loved Lily Evans and three, Aliana was the only one of Lily's friends who didn't curse him soon as look at him.
Yep, Aliana was forced to be the go-between for James. Since Aliana had become an honorary member of the Marauders for her superior pranking skills, she had become something of a double agent for James. After Quidditch games proved the best time for dishing as Lily despised sports, preferring to read in the common room.
"You wanted to see me, Cap'n?" Aliana asked, crossing her arms.
"What's up with Lily?" James asked automatically.
"Oh, she's taken to pleasuring herself twice a day while moaning your name."
"Really?" James asked, his jaw on the ground.
"No."
"Damn."
"That'd be hot if she was though," Sirius said. He slid over next to Aliana. "I bet you're moaning my name every night, aren't you my little chili pepper?"
"Only when I'm thinking of ways to cause you pain, imbécilito," she patted his arm.
"Kinky?" Sirius asked, putting his arm around her. "I can do that." He started to nibble her ear, but Aliana stood quickly.
"You bloody wanker," she said darkly. Gathering up her things, she stormed out into the rain in a huff. James watched her go.
"Damn!" he ejaculated. "Sirius, you always screw it up with her!"
"Wish I could screw her," Sirius said gruffly.
Running his hand though his hair absent-mindedly, James racked his brains on ways to get to Lily. After being sent to the hospital wing nearly a hundred times by means of Lily's wand, he had given up the direct approach of asking Lily out. Aliana had been his next hope; she had grown up with Lily and been best friends with her since before Hogwarts. Unfortunately for the cause, Sirius hit on anything with breasts that wasn't a Slytherin. That left Melissa Jones.
Melissa Jones, older cousin of Hestia Jones, was the third Gryffindor sixth year girl and the radical opposite of Aliana and Lily. While the other two tended to be a bit more reserved and casual, Melissa was a very gregarious blond girly-girl. She never studied, finding snogging boys behind the suits of armor a more suitable past time. Also, Melissa was a pureblood and Lily and Aliana were Muggle-born. Her long straight blond hair, large brown eyes, and tall skinny frame made her very desirable to most of the male population of Hogwarts. James was hoping Sirius' shallow side would prevail.
"What do you think of Mel Jones?" James asked off hand.
"She's pretty," shrugged Sirius, peeling off his dirty Quidditch robes and walked into a shower.
"She'd be a good bang, wouldn't she?" James commented.
Sirius looked out from the stream, confused. "Mate, isn't banging your girl's best friend the wrong way to gain her affections?"
"I meant for you!" James yelled.
"Oh," Sirius said simply; his head was too thick to understand hints unless he was making them. "Yeah, I bet she would be."
James' eyes lit up in hope. "Why don't you go for it? She just broke up with that Hufflepuff Keeper and I think she's free this weekend."
"Well, go talk to Remus then," Sirius said.
James looked confused. "Why should I do that?"
"You know he likes her."
"But he'll never do anything about it. He's too buried in his five billion books."
"So is Lily, but that doesn't stop you," Sirius retorted, walking out of the shower, a towel wrapped around his lower half.
"Shut up," James said hotly, still sore at the fact that Lily had pelted him with Hogwarts, A History last night; thinking he was hitting on her; all he had done was complement her on her hair.
"Besides," Sirius said, picking up his robes. "I'm interested in someone else right now."
"Oh, who?" James asked, not really caring. He never got Sirius' answer because just then, Aliana walked back in.
"I forgot my bag," she said, seeing the boys' surprised looks.
"Lookin' good," Sirius said to her.
Aliana straightened, her bag on her shoulder. "I haven't showered yet, sausage jockey. Put some clothes on if you two are done fucking," she sneered, walking out.
"That bitch," Sirius said darkly. But James noted the odd look he had on his face as he pushed his wet hair out of his eyes. He smirked, deciding to keep his assumptions as blackmail for later.
"C'mon, Padfoot. Let's go fetch Remus from the library before he takes to living there," James said.
o.O
Lily Evans sat at a table in the library, books piled nearly over her head. It was 10:30 on a Saturday night and she was finishing up some extra credit work in Transfiguration. Sighing, she flipped absent-mindedly though one of the volumes open in front of her. Her quill sat poised above the parchment, at the foot of three lengthy paragraphs.
Ink slowly dripped, making an oblong blob; Lily didn't care. She was tired and didn't want to be here doing homework alone. At any other time, she might have been able to bribe Aliana to sit with her, but she was busy practicing Quidditch for next week's game against Ravenclaw. Besides, afterwards she had talked about tracking down Max, her Ravenclaw boyfriend for what would probably be one of their last times together; Aliana's relationships almost always fizzled out over Quidditch. She never played favorites on the pitch, not even if she might be dating someone on the opposing team. At least she had a boyfriend to dump, Lily though bitterly.
Melissa was no better; her favorite pastime was snogging boys in broom cupboards between classes. She went through boyfriends like Lily went though reading material: at least one each week. True, she had gotten a lot better. Since third year, she had had a big crush on Remus Lupin, but strangely had never been able to do anything about it. Lately, on Aliana's advice, she had backed off on the constant pickup, snog, and reject system she had for boyfriends. In fact, it had been a record three weeks since she had last had a guy. To make up for this cutback, she took up spying on the poor Lupin. In fact, Mel was currently hiding behind a bookcase, peering over anxiously. Her giggling was breaking Lily's concentration and making her even more irritable.
She replaced her quill in her inkwell and stuffed her half-finished essay in her book bag. Huffing, she stalked out of the library, ignoring Madam Pince's scolds of leaving books unattended. She couldn't stand being in that stuffy room any longer. Just as she was about to make tracks for her dormitory, she ran headlong into James Potter and Sirius Black.
"All right there, Evans?" James asked in a deep, mature voice. Lily noticed how his hand jumped immediately for his unruly hair. It began to run though the strands, making them stand up even more. She mustered all the will power she had to not permanently freeze that bloody hand where it was.
"Shut up, Potter," she snapped. Something clicked in her head; James and Sirius were Chaser and Beater on the same team as Aliana. Therefore, judging by the dreadful state of their robes, Aliana was free from practice. "Where's Allie?"
"Probably sucking face with that Turner guy from Ravenclaw. Wonder how long that will last after next week?" Sirius asked.
"Want to stick with us, Evans?" James spoke up.
"I'd rather face all the dementors in Azkaban," Lily retorted scathingly. She brushed past the duo and scaled the stairs toward the Gryffindor tower. She was so sick of Potter and Black; the former always hitting on her and the latter for egging the former on. Aliana was the only one who could handle them both. In first year, Aliana had decided to show them how Muggles prank each other. One night, she had snuck into their dorm and saran-wrapped them to their beds, magically fixed their fingers inside their nostrils and "styled" their hair with superglue. On suggestion from Lily, she had also charmed their boxers to scantily clad women (which had oddly resembled the Hogwarts girls they had dated) that were provocatively riding brooms and chasing snitches. After that, they had respected her pranking skills and made her an honorary Marauder and given her the nickname Talon.
"Rectivectum," she muttered darkly to the Fat Lady. The portrait opened to reveal a relatively empty common room. Of course, Lily though, everyone else in the House has a social life. Everyone except me. She flopped down in her favorite armchair in front of the fire.
"Lils?" A familiar voice called. She looked up to see Aliana, looking concerned.
"Hey. Why aren't you with Max?" Lily asked, a tinge of bitterness in her tone.
"Couldn't find him," Aliana shrugged dismissively. "You okay? You look really bummed."
Lily shrugged. She couldn't exactly say, 'Yeah, I'm just really jealous of you and Max and Mel and whoever the hell she's dating now. And I wish a guy would ask me out. Oh, and I want to kill James since he hit on me for the billionth time just now. Plus, I'm stressing over the DADA test tomorrow.'
"And you are being incredibly vague," Aliana broke into her thoughts. "Chiquitita, tell me what's wrong?" she began to sing. "I have never seen such sorrow in your eyes and the wedding is tomorrow."
"What wedding?" Lily muttered. Aliana was too busy singing to hear.
"How I hate to see you like this. There is no way you can deny it. I can see that you're oh so sad, so quiet."
"I'm just really bummed that everyone else has something to do tonight and I'm stuck in, again, doing schoolwork."
"Chiquitita, tell me the truth," Aliana kept singing. "I'm a shoulder you can cry on. Your best friend. I'm the one you must rely on."
"That is the truth!" Lily broke in. "Do you not believe me, Ali? I'm really jealous that all the Hogwarts boys can't look past your mystique and Mel's gorgeousness to see studious, bookworm me!"
"You were always sure of yourself. Now I see you've broken a feather. I hope we can patch it up together."
"What do you mean?" Lily asked, thoroughly confused. "I don't have feathers. Or is this some weird symbol for my broken self-confidence? That I didn't have much of in the first place?"
"Chiquitita, you and I know how the heartaches come and they go and the scars they're leaving."
"You mean you're really hurt when guys break up with you over Quidditch? But you always act so aloof and fine with it," Lily said, disbelieving.
"You'll be dancing once again and the pain will end. You will have no time for grieving. Chiquitita, you and I cry but the sun is still in the sky and shining above you. Let me hear you sing once more like you did before. Sing a new song Chiquitita."
"Are you even listening to me?" Lily asked.
"What?" Aliana asked, pulling out an earbud. "Sorry, I didn't hear you."
"Ugh!" Lily yelled. She grabbed her bag and ran up the girls' staircase. She slammed the door to her dormitory and fell onto and bed, screaming into her pillow. Her own friend, the one she always went to for advice, wasn't even listening to her!
o.O
Meanwhile, back in the common room, Aliana was at the foot of the stairs, looking up at where her best friend had disappeared.
"Whatcha doin' Talon?" Sirius asked, he and James coming up behind her.
"Lily's really pissed at me and I don't know why. I was just singing and all of a sudden she stormed off."
"Why don't you go up after her?" James asked.
Aliana turned. "Are you daft? You know how Lily is when she's pissed. I wouldn't put it past her to gouge out my eyes with a spoon."
"True," James said subdued.
"You didn't do anything did you?" Aliana asked, suspiciously.
"Why does everyone automatically jump to me!" James asked, sitting hard on the armchair Lily had been in minutes before.
"Cuz she hates you, mate," Sirius reminded him.
"Well maybe it was Talon's singing that pissed her off," James looked accusingly at Aliana. She sent him a venomous look before taking a threatening step toward him, making him flinch.
"Ah," Aliana grinned happily. "Two for flinching." And she proceeded to punch him twice in the arm.
"Damn, Talon," Sirius whistled. "Remind me to never get you pissed."
"What did he do know?" Remus asked, coming up by the boys, Melissa trailing behind. Her long blond hair was sprawled over the petite, tall form that most Hogwarts girls would kill for. She focused her innocent blue eyes on James and gave him an amused smile.
"Did you piss off Lily again, Potter?" she asked.
"I did not!" James yelled.
"Yeah you did. Shut up," she said, making James close his mouth. "Mel, can you go up there with me and see how much of the room she's destroyed?"
"Whatever," she responded, flipping her hair over her shoulder and gave Remus a shy goodbye as Aliana dragged her toward the girls' stairs. Remus watched her go. James and Sirius watched Remus.
"So…" Sirius said to Remus. "What did you two get up to?"
"Nothing. I saw her in the library after Lily left and decided to talk to her."
"Ah," Sirius said knowingly, waggling his eyebrows. "Talk."
"Yes," Remus frowned. "We had an intelligent conversation."
"Ooo," Sirius elbowed Remus and winked. "Intelligent conversation, eh?"
"Yeah, we talked about photography."
"You mean, she's into…taking pictures? Photography? Eh? Hint, hint, wink, wink, nudge, nudge," Sirius grinned widely, nodding to James and nudging Remus so hard the boy nearly fell over sideways. "Me too, mate. Me too."
"You like photography?" Remus asked, surprised.
"Oh, yeah. Every day I make a point to look at it or…make some of my own, you know what I mean?" Sirius grinned wider.
"Whose your favorite photographer?" Remus asked.
"Oh, er…it changes. It depends on how well he…captured the subject, if you know what I mean, eh? Eh, wink, wink, hint, hint, click, click, nudge, nudge, you know what I'm saying?"
James slapped his forehead, finally understanding what Sirius was talking about. "Not that kind of photography, Padfoot," he said tiredly.
"What do you mean?" Sirius asked, his excited look fading slightly.
"I mean, Remus and Mel don't like the same kind of…photos you do," James said, his eyes still closed.
"What are you both on about?" Remus asked, now confused.
"He thought you meant pornographic photos, Moony."
Remus looked like he was about to puke. James looked at Sirius pathetically. Sirius was unabashed; he reclined back and thought about…photography.
o.O
"I hate him!"
"Uh-huh."
"Ali, are you listening to me?"
"Uh-huh."
"What did I just say, then?"
"Uh-huh."
"ALIANA!"
"Eh?"
"Ali, I'm over here."
Lily was sitting on the edge of her bed, watching her friend twirl around in her deck chair. The latter had stopped when her name was called and was still trying to rebalance herself. "For God's sakes, don't stand until you're sober."
"Righto," Aliana was grinning at Lily.
"Will you listen to me?" Lily burst.
"I have been. You hate him. You've been saying so since we got up here," Melissa butted in.
"It's shameless the way you two flirt," Aliana said, rearing the chair around for another go.
"WHAT!" Lily squawked. "TAKE THAT BACK!"
"Oh, my God, Lils. You've had this personal vendetta against James Potter for seven years now. Why don't you cut him a break and try to be his friend. WHEEE!" Aliana giggled as she became a spinning blur of color again.
"Because, Allie," Lily fumed, throwing her pillow across the room, "the self proclaimed man whore doesn't want to be my friend. He wants to be my boyfriend."
"How do you know?" Melissa asked.
"Because he asks me out on a daily basis," Lily reminded.
"Well, I agree with Allie. I think you should at least cut him some slack," Melissa said. "He's really a great guy once you get used to him and his mates."
"You sure you don't tolerate James just because you're in love with Remus?" Lily teased. Melissa looked embarrassed. "And I know for a fact that you have a crush on Sirius," Lily turned to Aliana, who was spinning in the chair again.
"I'm not in love with him, for the umpteenth time," Aliana grumbled. Lily rolled her eyes. Why was her friend in such denial? She was sick of her friend playfighting and arguing over insignificant things and passing it off as goofing off. She had been planning to set up her friends with their Marauder crushes, but nothing came to mind. Suddenly, it clicked. Lily stood up and grabbed her wand.
"Where're you going?" Melissa asked. Aliana stopped spinning again, her dazed eyes trying to focus on Lily.
"Going to go see someone. You lot staying here?"
"Probably," Aliana piped in, starting to spin again. Lily shook her head and walked out.
o.O
I can't believe I'm doing this, Lily thought, knocking on the seventh-years dormitory. "I think that's Allie. She said she's stopping by," she heard a voice say from within. The door opened and a scraggly Sirius Black greeted her. His long hair was dishelmed and his warm deep brown eyes were twinkling.
"Nope, it's Lilykins!" he announced brightly. He took her under his arm and dragged her inside, giving her a noogie. "What brings you to our humble hellhole?" he asked.
"I need to talk to Potter," she said breathlessly, wriggling free.
"Here," a hand shot up from the bed on the far left. James sat up, wearing only jeans. Something in Lily lurched at the sight as the raven-haired youth stood, stretched, and re-clothed himself. "What's up, Evans?" he said suavely.
Lily rolled her eyes. "I need to talk to you privately. Away from your bum buddies." James looked around him. Peter was playing jacks with himself in the corner, Remus was reading on his bed, and Sirius was staring at the duo openly.
"Clear out, you lot," he commanded. Peter immediately headed for the door. Sirius caught his collar.
"Right," Sirius said. "I'm not leaving."
"Aliana wanted to talk to you down in the common room, by the way," Lily said to him.
"See you mate," Sirius said automatically. Peter followed him; if he couldn't watch James with girls, he'd watch Sirius with girls. James then looked pointedly at Remus, who looked plainly back, then, sighing, walked out and shut the door behind him. James turned back to Lily.
"Wanna sit?" James asked, patting his bed. Lily quirked an eyebrow.
"I'm not here for sex, Potter," she said bluntly.
"Right. Desk?"
"Right." Lily walked over the said furniture and sat down in the desk chair. James shifted a stack of books and perched himself on the desk surface. "So what's up?"
"I want to call a truce between us."
James coughed. "Eh?"
"I want to call a truce. Elle wants me to cut you some slack. And I suppose I agree."
"All right then. Truce." James put out a hand. Lily looked at it oddly. "Shake on it." Lily shrugged and took his hand. They shook and she quickly let go. A moment of silence passed. James looked hard at the redhead. "There's more?"
"Eh?"
"You could have told me that in front of my mates. Do you want to me to call them back in?"
"No!" Lily burst. James grinned.
"Then get to it."
"Don't rush me, Potter. There's a reason I'm calling this truce."
"Obviously," he interrupted.
"Shut up. I need your help."
"That's new. The invincible Lily Evans asking for help."
"Shut up! You think this is easy for me?" Lily snapped. Recollecting herself, she continued. "I want to set up Mel with Remus." James was silent. "If you were going to butt in, this would be the time to do so," Lily prompted.
"Sorry, you told me to shut up," James said smartly. Lily glared, but stayed silent. "Actually, that's a good idea. You think Mel would be into it?"
"Would Remus?" Lily asked.
"Most definitely. He's all but asked her out."
"But has he actually said to you that he likes her?"
James squirmed. "Yeah, but don't tell him I said that. He'd bite, er…kill me."
"Which, of course, would nullify any reason for having this conversation. So you're definitely in?"
"All in," James grinned, putting his hand out again. Smiling, Lily shook it firmly. After letting go, she stood. James did as well.
"Well, Mr. Potter, I should be going. I'll talk to you again soon," she said. James opened the door for her. "Bye," she said.
"Bye," James closed the door behind her. He couldn't stop grinning.
o.O
A/N: hmm...that's three stories gone. not to shabby. Self, what do you think?
Self snores.
Thanks for your input, self. Anyways, I only have a rough idea of where I'm going with this. Gimmie some reviews and maybe it'll spark the thought process!
Yet anotherobscure review topic (i really don't know where these come from): talking to yourself