Hi! This is my first fanfic, and I would love to know how it turned out! Comments please! Tell me what you think!

Disclaimer: All the characters belonged to Ally Carter, I only own the idea. And I won't place this in every chapter.

Enjoy!

~~~Cammie Morgan~~~

I feel numb. Like there's a big loophole in my life. I felt lost, I felt lonely. I know I have my friends, but it's just not the same without Zach around.

The fact that he died to save me just make me guiltier. Like there's guilt eating out of my chest. I didn't deserve it, neither did he.

His body was never found. They say it might be burned to ashes, or he might have jumped into the raging waters, but no one came to save him, unlike me. I started to cry. Tears wrenched my body as I curled into a ball.

My heart wrenched as guilt consumes me. It's like a dagger being stabbed into my heart. Every time I think about him, my heart hurts, like physically hurts. I try not to, but everything here reminded me so much of him. The hallways, the dining hall, my room, everything. Even the secret passageways. It hurts, it really did.

At this moment, I was curled up in my room. My mom offered me this room when I told my mom I don't want to go to Nebraska. It would just endanger my grandparents, and I don't think they would like the sight of me sulking and crying in my room all day. But I couldn't help it, it just comes.

I had been like this for a long time now. Ever since that fateful day in the tombs. Where he died. I hoped and hoped that he got out of it, but he didn't. I eventually gave up. I remembered my mother's words, 'No! Don't let yourself hope.' She said the word hope in a whisper. I know well, hope can sometimes destroy a person. Even a spy.

According to schedule, Bex, Liz and Macey would come in three weeks later. Then, I would finally have some company. Although I would love to sit around and sulk, I know I have to get on with my life sooner or later.

I dedicated today to sulking. Originally, I would try and do some research, but some days, I would love to just grieve. With no stress. Just sorrow. It hurts, it really does. But I guess it's worth it for someone you love.

Sobs attacked my body as I cried. I was crying like I never wanted to stop. When I cried, it's like the weight lifted off me a little bit, and I liked it better. I feel more content. Like I deserved sorrow. And I know I do.

The Circle of Cavan wants me, and they would hurt everyone who gets in the way. Even her own son. I shivered as I remembered the tombs. Where he died. Another sob escaped me as I hugged my knees, crying.

I don't think anyone's here. My mother visits sometimes, but that's just that. I like being by myself sometimes, It's better this way, enjoying the freedom, knowing that no one would ask you how you're doing. And that is the very question I'm avoiding.

I tried to close my eyes. I saw the tombs again. I saw the fight again. I saw him, fighting people off him, struggling to go to Mr. Soloman's aid. Then, he fighting back, and point the trigger at the explosives. I screamed loudly as a sob escaped me.

I ran as the smoke engulf me. They didn't, and I ran like no tomorrow. In fact there wasn't. I was never the same Cammie again.

I did turn around once, and I saw Catherine Goode hot on my heels, and a boy lighted up in flames. That was him.

As I saw him go up in flames, I entirely and completely broke down into hysterics for the 628 time since summer. I missed him a lot. I wish he could come back, but he didn't. And I didn't allow myself hope. I know it's impossible for a boy to survive being lighted up in flames.

I really hoped he died fast. That way he won't be in for much agony. I could only hope that he wasn't destroyed. But I guess he was. He was going through agony, being blown up to bits, while I was running away for my life. I know I'm following his orders, but I feel like I'm selfish. I feel like I'm lucky, yes, but I'm too selfish, I only ran for my own life. I didn't save him, and I regretted it a lot.

Tears spilled out of my eyes as I blinked. Tears rolled down my eyes, forming a pool on the floor. I hate the world right now, I hate the Circle, I hate Catherine Goode! She's the one who killed him, and I hate her for that.

I finally understood what it feels to lose a love. It's agonising, with everything losing its meaning. It seems like the whole world stopped spinning, and everything lost its appeal. And I was like that. Except he didn't break up with me, he died saving me.

I cried again, collapsing against the floor. I don't know how long time had passed. I just know that I cried until my tears dried, until no more tears could spill out of me. Then, I washed up, and went to dinner.

I walked into the dining hall. My mother hired a cook to cook for me, so he's cooking for me, which is a good thing. I'm not in a mood for cooking.

I walked into the dining hall, seeing the food already positioned on the table. I sat at the table, my eyes watering. When the Gallagher Academy did the exchange with Blackthorn, this is exactly where he sits. I cried again. I choked on the food as I spit it out. I saw it being dipped into something. I inspected it, and found that it had been dipped in drugs. I could be unconscious in ten minutes with this drug.

Then, my spy instincts took place. I'm glad for that. I had been in depressed mood for too long, being in spy mode took off my sorrow a little bit, but it kept coming back twice as hard.

I took away the apple, and pretended that I had eaten it long ago. I faced the door, looking at the reflective surface on the glass. Then, the cook peeked out. He looked a little out of place. He tiptoed to me, afraid I would attack. And I did.

I lashed out, kicking him. Then, I punched his head as he fell. Unconscious.

'Mm, not bad for a girl who lost her love, is it?' I heard the most dreaded voice in the whole universe. I lashed out.

I kicked her loads of times, only to have her defect it easily. I grew more frustrated by the minute. I growled. Then, I felt drowsiness hit me as I fell against the floor hard.

The last thing I saw was Catherine Goode, smirking that heart-wrenching smirk Zach used to do, and hissed, 'Not so tough now, Cammie.' Then, I faded out of conscious.

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