Noted on the text: Italicised text is actual Bible material from the New Revised Standard Version. Oh, and I suggest readers should familiarise themselves with Exodus 14: 1 – 31 before reading this. That way, you'll get more of the innuendos.
Disclaimer: I am not trying to offend anyone by parodying the Bible. Humour is the entire point of this; I hope you excuse my lack of reverence, plot development, character development and other things we treasure in a story.
Revision history: 27/12/07: Typo fixed, layout changed.
In Egypt there had been some recent disasters, which had all been blamed on the Israelites, who, in turn, blamed their God. And so, not without some relief, the king of Egypt hurried the Israelites on their way. They were supposed to be praying in the desert but all the Egyptians hoped they were gone for good.
After a couple of days, Pharaoh decided to send a group of messengers to check up on the Israelites just in case they were coming back. These messengers, who were really just local boys, hurriedly set on their way.
Now the Israelites were in much of a fright upon seeing Egyptians. They said to Moses, "Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you have taken us away to die in the wilderness? What have you done to us, bringing us out of Egypt?"
But Moses said to the people, "Do not be afraid, stand firm, and see the deliverance that the LORD will accomplish for you today, for the Egyptians whom you see today you shall never see again. The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to keep still."
However, the people were starting to get nervous, so they started to walk around the Red Sea. The messengers spotted the Israelites and asked them, "Are you leaving our country forever?"
"Yes," Moses answered. "You have oppressed us too long."
The messengers hurried back to inform the king.
Afterwards, as the Israelites continued their long journey around the Red Sea, Miriam, Moses's sister, declared, "We are free from the Egyptians! The LORD has protected us from them."
"Indeed," said Joshua, "it would be something to tell our children!"
"What should we tell them?" pondered Aaron. "We must exaggerate the events in order to make it clear what the LORD was doing."
Moses nodded sagaciously. He was an old man, and before he could say anything, had to stop a minute and lean on his staff to catch his breath. "How's this?" he said. "What if I raise my staff, and the LORD parts the Red Sea?"
"I only wish he did that now," Aaron grumbled. "It's too much of a detour walking around the Sea."
"That's what put the idea in my head in the first place," Moses grinned.
Joshua, who liked violence and gore, said, "There should be more people dying. I say if the LORD can part the Red Sea, he can put it back together again. The Egyptians can drown."
Miriam nodded. "It would certainly show how much the LORD cares for us."
Other finer details were worked out. Caleb insisted on 600 chariots ridden by Pharaoh's officials to be pursuing the Israelites, and Moses came up with the idea of the LORD's cloud causing a diversion. It was Aaron who suggested that Pharaoh should be present because the LORD had hardened his heart.
"Oh, what a wonderful tale to tell our children!" Joshua exclaimed.
That tale is still told to this day. Moses, being the budding author, put the escapade onto paper, erm, papyrus scroll. Thus the LORD saved Israel that day from the Israelites; and Israel saw the Egyptians dead on the seashore. Israel saw the great work that the LORD did against the Egyptians. So the people feared the LORD and believed in the LORD and in his servant Moses.
This was written to inform. Much of what Moses had written contradicted archaeological evidence and plain common sense. The fact is: one shouldn't interpret the Bible with a fundamentalist view. Moses was trying to convey a great religious truth, that is, that God would protect those who believed in him from their oppressors. By exaggerating some facts he did know, he created a tale worth being told and passed down the generations, a lie that told great truths.