Disclaimer:
Article one: This story contains some references to Nazis and Nazi fetishism. If those things squick you out or bother you, you might as well turn back now, man. Also, we are not Nazis—these are silly references and not meant to be taken in offense.
Article two: There is humor in here that might cross the line twice. If that offends you, this might not be the tale for you. It is only meant in good fun and not in an offensive manner.
Article three: We do not endorse the harm of flamingos of any color.
Article four: We don't own anything in the Silent Hill universe, Kool-Aid, Martha Stewart, Dell, Cher, Hellsing, and all the other good stuff that could get us sued in here. Really, we're not making any money at all. Unless there's something going on that we don't know about. In which case, we wouldn't know about it.
Article five: For the love of god, don't consume raid. ):
Article six: Just as a reminder, this story really isn't to be taken seriously at all. Unless you live in a bizzaro universe where this is actually canon.
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Happy Birthday, Alessa!
The Strange Tale of Alessa's Fifteenth
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"And so, Jack, who is totally not James, looked into the windows of the Viking god's pure blue crystal eyes that glimmered like sapphires in the sunlight and moonlight because they were made out of pure light of the most virginal kind and said, 'Triangle Cranium, I cannot hold back my feelings for you. You are the light in my darkness, the peanut butter for my jelly, the savior of my very soul --"
"OKAY, P-HEAD. You are the punisher, not anyone's fucking savior. I call bullshit."
"Shut up! You don't know anything about me, or my story! This is about the sexy Viking god Triangle Cranium, NOT ME."
"And what the heck is up with 'Jack' in this epic love story, P-Head? Have you been watching 'Titanic' again?"
"I refuse to watch that dumb movie when they stole MY Jack and turned the glorious Triangle Cranium into some gay ginger lady."
"TITANIC HAS BEEN OUT FOR MORE THAN A DECADE. YOU STARTED THIS FANFIC TWO HOURS AGO."
Alessa turned and looked up from her brand-new copy of So You've Been Reborn Yet Again: A Self-Help Book, and sighed.
"You're both making too much noise about something completely redundant. It's nothing but a romance novel, Valtiel. A lot of people...and...er, things, put in self insertions. Just look at Stephanie Meyer!"
"DON'T EVER COMPARE THAT PIECE OF TRASH TO MY EROTIC LITERATURE!" roared Pyramid Head. If he had hair, he would have flipped it. Instead, he just made jerky movements with his head.
"I'm just giving an example; it was the first thing that came to mind."
"Well...think of a better one. Like Judy Blume."
"Sally J. Freedman! O.M.G!!!!"
"Shut up, Valtiel. You and your submissiveness to dominant tyrants, GOD."
"HEY. YOU KNOW WHAT. I get along just FINE. Go ahead and ask my therapist. Which reminds me, P-Head. We have an appointment scheduled for Tuesday! So we need to focus on our space issues and personal feelings concerning splitting souls!!!"
"I am not going to that crapfest of lame psychobabble. I am an artist of the most raw and beautiful form. I will not be tainted with your gay crap."
Suddenly, Xuchilbara appeared out of nowhere with his issue of Martha Stewart's: Cakes, Cakes, and More Cakes! and said while sneering, "You know, it's times like these I wish I didn't have personality splitting issues."
An argument sprung up in the room, and in the fury several other personalities were born from the group, including the seemingly inanimate form of Magical Mr. Gnome, which sprung from Pyramid Head's...head, much like Athena sprung from the glorious dome of Zeus. Everyone regarded it with detached interest when it arrived, stopping mid-sentence and mid-gesture to look at it. Charlie, the yellow flamingo, who had come from Alessa, squawked and fluttered to perch upon it.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!" cried Valtiel. "GOD, IT'S UGLY!"
"I don't know," the Lobsel Vith said, smiling in her mind like a million sunshine daises filled with icing and kittens. "It looks like my grandpa."
"YOU HAVE NO GRANDPA!"
"You guys are all retarded!" Xuchilbara then went back to his book of cakes and looked for the recipe for upside-down, lemon pound cake. It would be delicious. And the bastards would see none of it.
"Don't you know whose birthday it is today? Alessa! Alessa, get your cute little ass down here, honey!" Valtiel then waved his hands fervently as Alessa retreated further into her book.
"Oh god, I forgot!" Pyramid Head bellowed. "I'm so sorry Alessa, I really am -- I was just really concerned about finishing my book."
"Oh, it's alright!" said Alessa. "You really don't even need to do anything for me, I'm fine."
"NO!" protested Valtiel. His entire life revolved around planning things and decorating; if there was no party, he would probably have a giant bitch fit and need to get the bag again. "Please, honey, you're so precious to all of us. You need one!"
Charlie squawked in agreement.
"Well, I suppose so."
"Great!" said Xuchilbara. "I'll get to make a cake. I was thinking about lemon...but I know Alessa's favorite is red velvet with buttercream. How about that?"
"I'd like that a lot," said Alessa. "But really...I actually already have something planned."
The group went silent.
"What..." Valtiel said slowly, "...do you have planned, Alessa?"
"I was going to go have dinner and play mini golf with Harry."
"HARRY?!"
"Yeah, him and the other girl…'me's..."
"I WANT TO GO!!!" cried Valtiel. "I LOVE MINI GOLF!! I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN GET THE BALL PAST THE WINDMILL!!!"
"Well then fine. Go play your lame mini golf games while I write my epic love story of a man who is discovering himself in the truest form and the love that can conquer all. Like the Greeks, where men back in the day could make sweet, manly love and not be gay sparkly fairies about it."
"P-Head, didn't you just say the story wasn't about you?"
"You know, Valtiel. Sometimes I feel like sticking my knife right up that slit between your lower cheeks like a pike."
"I'm not as into pain as you think," Valtiel said in a serious manner. "Besides, you can't even fit the Hitler costu -- I mean, never mind. You're an idiot. I'm going to put on my best ribbon, shine myself up real good, and join Alessa and her family."
"At least wear pants, please," Alessa pleaded softly.
"Oh, alright."
Later on, Pyramid Head found himself alone as everyone suddenly wanted to play mini golf because Harry was there and apparently was the greatest person alive. Pyramid Head didn't think so. He only had eyes for one man, but wasn't gay in the least. He turned his eyes to his novel.
"Triangle Cranium flipped his flaxen locks back in a rippling wave of golden sunlight as he carried Jack in his arms. They needed to get away from the menace approaching on the horizon, who was this totally gay fairy guy. He was skinny and had no face and was certainly nowhere near as hot as Triangle Cranium or Jack. (Jack is totally not James BTW.) Triangle Cranium ran so fast that he was a blur and the wind made him feel like a stallion. That made him hot. And it made Jack hot, too, so they fell to the ground right there and made love even if the gay fairy overlord was coming."
He paused.
"Hmm..." he said to himself. "Maybe...it needs a fight scene, too."
"While having sex, both Jack and Triangle Cranium whipped out their mighty glowing swords and fought the gay fairy menace. The power of love filled them like a million watt light bulb and they overwhelmed their enemy easily. Somehow fighting made it even more hot, and they went at it until well in the night. Tired, they lay in each other's arms under the stars. Suddenly, Jam---Jack looked up at Triangle Cranium with his eyes large and shining like the full moon above them. His skin glowed like he was in the sun and Triangle Cranium knew something was up. 'Triangle Cranium,' Jack said in a sexy whisper, 'I have something to tell you.' 'What baby?' asked Triangle Cranium, who was smoking a giant cigar. 'I'm pregnant,' said Jack, smiling."
"Hey P-Head, have you seen my golfing pants? We're gonna go to the big mini golf place, and Harry was nice enough to drive me ov-- WHAT THE HELL?!"
"HEY, TRY TO KEEP AN OPEN MIND, ALRIGHT?!"
Pyramid Head lay full frontal on his bed, sweaty and bothered from the intrusion. The g--y f---y....Valtiel just couldn't knock like a normal person. No. Instead when someone might be doing their business in a bathroom stall quietly, there would be Valtiel barging in asking for some spring rolls. And don't even ask about the toilet paper. Just consider using napkins.
"P-Head. It's Alessa's birthday and you decide this is the moment to have some personal quality time with your sleazy fanfiction with imaginary James?!"
"I just write to de-stress, alright?! I'm a man with a lot of responsibilities. And Jack is not JAMES! Can't you get that through your stupid shiny, eyeless head?!"
"God, just -- YOU HAVE THE SAME FUCKING HEAD. You just wear that retarded hat thing all the time --"
"IT'S A GODLY HELMET OF JUSTICE. And I have sword! And it's large. You don't even have a fucking weapon; all you do is turn valves all day!"
"IT'S HARDER THAN YOU THINK. SOME OF THEM STICK AND I NEED TO GET THE WD-40 FROM ALL THE WAY DOWNSTAIRS IN NOWHERE!!"
"OH, BIG DEAL!!"
Valtiel grabbed his fancy golf pants from the drawer and clutched them to his chest. If he had eyes, they would be glistening with tears.
"And it's called MATENENCE, YOU PRICK."
He whirled around and slammed the door. Pyramid Head could hear him sobbing as he ran down the hallway. Tomorrow the nurses would come and bitch about how he made Valtiel cry again. Whatever, he didn't care. Thinking about it a little more though, Pyramid Head decided that it was a dick move not to do something for Alessa. She never did anything to him, and encouraged his writing. Sitting up, he picked up his dell laptop, saved his novel, and opened a new file.
"Alessa...Kicks...Some...Ass. There. I'll write her a story for her birthday!" he said. You couldn't see it, but he was smiling inside like a demented child.
"One day, Alessa was just chilling with her friend Triangle Cranium, who was her awesome protector Viking God. Alessa was a pretty and friendly chick, but Triangle Cranium wouldn't hit it because he was loyal to Jack, who was carrying his totally pureblooded, awesome god baby. Also, tapping that would make him a pedo and he wasn't a pedo if that was what you were thinking. This isn't fucking 4-chan; this is a classy fucking story. So they were chilling, and then someone came up to them and started acting totally lame. It was this gay fairy guy named...Va....Vegeta. He was anorexic and bald and looked like Hitler somehow because you could totally tell he was evil and into that sick Nazi shit."
Pyramid Head liked where this was going.
"This story is so awesome," he said to himself. Charlie didn't agree, but Pyramid Head couldn't speak flamingo so he didn't understand.
Meanwhile, Xuchilbara was thinking of how to kill both of his incarnates in very slow and painful ways, but first, he had to make a fabulous cake for Alessa, who was pretty chill with him. Even if he was the pure cause for all the destruction in Silent Hill, and the reason Dahlia Gillespie went fucking nuts. She even made a statue out of him from macaroni and a glaze of mustard topped with RAID. That wasn't even sanitary. God damn stalkers with their cults and declarations of devotion...
"So how's the cake coming, Xuchilbara? I always love cake! It reminds me of the time my mother sat me on her lap and fed me chocolate cake while we sang to the birds outside our window."
"You didn't have a mother, Lobsel Vith."
"Oh, you."
She wandered up and glanced around the kitchen before starting to help with gathering the ingredients. It didn't take long at all, and Xulchilbara got right to work. But something was missing. She opened all the drawers as he mixed the batter, but she couldn't find the candles anywhere. Her stomach dropped and she felt terribly sad.
"Bara-Bara, there are no candles for the cake."
"What?! I thought they were in the drawer underneath the toaster?!"
"I looked there; there are none."
Xuchilbara would go over later and check, just to be sure. But for now, Lobsel Vith was spinning around in her yellow dress.
"No candles, no candles, no candles..." she sang. "My grandma and I sang that song when --"
"Lobsel, go down the road and get some candles."
"Oh, okay."
She wandered out of the room and he continued focusing his attention on the cake. For a moment he wondered if Alessa might like it if he put little frosting dinosaurs on the cake. Maybe dinosaurs made out of chocolate powder! That Martha Stewart sure filled him with interesting ideas. As he stirred he wandered into the closet to get the dinosaur stencils they used to make those cookies Alessa liked.
He reached for the stencils, but something caught his eye. He traced his steps back to the toaster, and slipped his fingers under it. He grabbed fifteen candles and groaned to himself. Sometimes he felt like putting the old girl out of her misery, but she did have a nice bum bum and other assets.
Back upstairs, Pyramid Head was writing furiously. His story was going incredibly well. He was sure Alessa would like it; it was better than anything anyone else could have got her. Even anything Harry got her, and Harry always got everyone really awesome gifts. Except for Daliah; he never gave her anything because she was a total bitch to everyone.
"So Alessa, clad in her metal armor bikini climbed on top of Triangle Cranium's shoulder and looked out over the horizon, holding on to the mighty giant horns on his fabulous Viking helmet. 'I don't see Vegeta or his troops.' she said. Triangle Cranium nodded as she climbed down. She looked up at him and was impressed by his rippling 25 pack abs and shimmering golden hair that came down to his tight and muscular ass, but not obscuring it. She looked up into his blue eyes that shimmered like the Milky Way and smiled. 'I want to be just like you, Triangle Cranium!' she said. 'One day, young one.'"
Pyramid Head shook the sweat from his body and decided to take a break. The story was already well over 50,000 words, and growing. Most of it involved Alessa admiring Triangle Cranium's glorious adventures. He felt like it was a little self-centered, but she needed a good role model in her life: A good writer, not like another certain someone. He walked out into the hallway and turned into the bathroom. He started to run the water in the bath and dug around in the closet until he found his dinosaur-shaped Mr. Bubble bottle.
"Time to unwind..." he whispered. The bath filled and he drizzled some of the green-apple scented bubble bath into it, placing it to the side and gently lowering himself in afterward. "Ah..."
Just when he was in the mood, the door softly creaked open and there was the sound of the toilet seat being lifted. No one was asking what he wanted for dinner, so he was certain it could only be one person.
"James..." he said. "It took you a while to realize your feelings, but don't worry. I'm here now, and there's room for one more in this crazy, whirling bubble bath of love..."
"P-Head, WHAT THE HE--"
"OH GOD!!"
Pyramid Head would have leapt up in shock from being snuck up on like that, but that would mean exposing his man junk to Valtiel. And he just couldn't allow that. In fact, the fright of the gay fairy catching a peak of his Peinasaurus Rex alone probably shrunk it to the point of a miniaturist.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING -- GET OUT. GET OUT OF MY SPACE."
"I was going to the bathroom! How was I supposed to know you were in here pleasuring yourself? You didn't even use the designated "Occupied" sign that's right by the door."
"I WILL NOT FEED YOUR OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER."
"IT'S CALLED BEING ORGANIZED SO THIS DOESN'T HAPPEN."
"YOU KNOW WHAT?! JUST LEAVE. I NEED TO BE ALONE. AND IF YOU SPEAK A SINGLE WORD OF WHAT HAPPENED HERE, I'M GOING TO GO GET YOUR SPECIAL COSTUME AND HAVE A WEENIE ROAST WITH IT. AND LEARN TO FUCKING KNOCK."
"NO!!" cried Valtiel, "DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT COSTS?!"
"WELL THEN, GET OUT!!"
Valtiel ran from the bathroom in terror, determined to protect the uniform he saved up a good three years for. He hadn't found the right person to wear it yet, but when he did they would be wed and live in the lovely church in the middle of the lake. Rushing to his room he threw open the door, lifted the rug, and then the trap door beneath it. He took in a sharp gasp.
It was already gone.
He started hyperventilating. What could have happened to it?! He had hidden it so well that next to no one knew where it was. Pyramid Head was the only one who knew because he helped cut the trap door into the floor. If he could, he would have begun sobbing. This was the worst thing that could possibly happen to him. He threw himself onto the floor and curled up into the fetal position. He'd have to go downstairs when the cake was done, but for now he desperately needed to be alone in the place he'd last seen his precious "promise" uniform.
Meanwhile, everyone was having coffee downstairs. The only people missing were James, Pyramid Head, Valtiel, and a couple others, but everyone was sure they would be there. Harry was telling everyone a story about Nowhere and making everyone laugh.
"So, there it was, in a bag of jelly beans!" he said. The room erupted into laughter.
"Oh god, I never get tired of that one!" Lisa said, wiping the blood tears from her eyes.
Angela and Cybil were helping Laura with her letter to Mary. She wanted it to be perfect when she arrived with Heather Mason, who for some reason was a girl of danger and "homies". Father Vincent insisted on giving a blessing to Alessa and her other incarnates and looked eager to meet Lobsel Vith, for after all she was the god they all worshiped.
"Well, do you know where she is, little miss?"
"Please don't call me that, sir. I'm already fifteen."
"Oh, and so...you are...sweet thing."
"Vincent, DON'T TOUCH HER. DON'T LAY A HAND ON ALESSA!" Claudia then tried to shank the perverted pedo once more, but missed by a few spare inches. She vowed never to lose her best friend again, and that was a promise she intended to keep, even if Alessa got a restraining order.
"Please, no violence!" Alessa cried. "Just for one night. We're always trying to kill each other. Can't we stop for my birthday? We're going to have cake and everything."
Claudia put away the knife.
"Anything you say."
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.
"That must be Lobsel Vith!" said Vincent, becoming rather visibly excited. He rushed to the door, opening it. He was disappointed, but only for split second. It was his second most favorite person in the world...and a stripper. He licked his lips.
Heather and Maria, of all people, stood at the door. Heather was wearing huge hoop earrings and an oversized Steelers jacket with black tights and high tops. The look in her eyes probably could have cut diamonds.
"What the fuck you think you lookin' at, punk bitch?!" she said. Maria, who was wearing a very revealing pastel leopard print Easter suit with a rather large flowered hat, gently hit her with a glove.
"Now, now child...don't talk like that to the nice preacher man."
Everyone stood in silence. Harry laughed good-naturedly.
"Oh, don't worry...it's just...uh...she's in her rap phase."
"But...Maria..." Claudia breathed, absolutely confused.
"She's just a poor stripper lady; let her go ...I have to wonder where Mary is, though."
Maria looked up, eyes bright.
"Oh, don't you worry now. She's on her way over here; she just got held up buyin' the birthday girl somethin' real fine."
She spotted Alessa across the room and squealed, running up to her and enveloping her in a hug full of marshmallow hell.
"OOOOOOOOOH there's the birthday girl! Child, you growin' up into a fine young lady. Don't look nothin' like your mama, that's for sure. Turn around; let me see if you gettin' your bottom seat in, girl. Oh! There it is! One of these days your aunt Maria gonna have to teach you to dance."
In the mean time, Heather strutted up dangerously as dangerous and danger could be to the buffet table. Swiping the pocket knife from her jacket, she stabbed a good few pieces of cheddar with it and felt satisfied. She wanted to repeat it, back like she did in the old days when she thought her dad was dead.
"Shank that albino bitchass."
She didn't notice a hand rise up to the back of her jacket.
"WHAT THE ---"
"Well hello there, beautiful. Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day."
"Who the hell do you think you are, grampa, bringin' all that cheese?"
Vincent smirked back with creepy, cock-eyed eyes. "Sweet thing, don't you know I like a girl with a little fight in her?"
"Bitch, please. If I didn't save your bony ass from that white woman's stabs you would be six feet under. Don't think I can't take back my favors."
"Why don't you get your lovely aunt and we can have some fun, baby?"
"Bitch, I'll cut your punk ass before you touch me or aunty Maria. She don't want your weak-ass game or your lily-white ass."
"Touche`."
Vincent retreated for now, but he had a new plan in development that was sure to make Heather his. He wandered into the Special Room to get the tools he needed.
There was another knock at the door. This time Lisa opened the door. She was utterly confused -- it was Mary, with a man that she had never seen before in all of her time in Silent Hill.
"I'm sorry for bringing an unannounced guest," Mary said softly, "but I found this man wandering around and he's insistent that he's Harry. I just figured that maybe...Alessa might want to figure out what's going on."
Alessa looked across the room. Heather did as well. Harry did too, with a delicately raised eyebrow. Suddenly, everyone else did. It was like Harry was their grand leader, and whatever he did, everyone else had to do as well.
"I'm afraid that pe--"
"BITCH, THAT AIN'T MY DADDY. THAT'S SOME PUNK ASS WE SEEN ON THE WAY HERE TRY TO ASK ME WHERE CHERYL WAS. I AIN'T TELLIN' HIS SICK PEDO ASS SHIT."
The man claiming to be Harry, with glasses delicately perched on his nose, looked at Alessa.
"Cheryl..." he said, walking towards her. "What happened?! You look so much older! What did these people do to you?!"
"Um...I'm Alessa; Cheryl isn't here yet. She was supposed to be coming with James; he offered to take her to the dentist for an emergency examination. She chipped her tooth when coming in through the clocktower."
"No! She chipped her tooth?!"
"She should be okay now."
Lisa walked up to "Harry" with a glass of water.
"Hey, you seem a little--"
"ARGH!!" The strange Harry reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a flare, igniting it. He waved it at Lisa. He just noticed the bloody streaks running down her face. "GET BACK ICE MONSTER!"
"Uh...okay."
Lisa then went to go speak with several of the nurses who were hovering around the punch bowl and cooing about how Alessa looked so pretty. Harry wandered up to the intruding, new "Harry".
"Who are you, really?" Harry asked.
"I'm Harry Mason, an author," the fake Harry replied. "Have you seen a little --"
"NO!"
They stared each other down. This would be an incredibly long night.
Upstairs, Pyramid Head was finishing his story.
"Then Alessa became the reigning queen of Atlantis and was friends with Triangle Cranium forever, who was her trainer and lifelong father role model forever because he was awesome and had to make her become awesome and not lame. Because they were super close, Triangle Cranium let Alessa carry he and Jack's lovely baby, who had luxurious blonde hair and gorgeous James's lovely eyes. 'He's so pretty!' Alessa said. 'I know.' said Triangle Cranium. 'One day you will serve under his glorious reign. You have a lot to look forward to.' Triangle Cranium shook his glorious mane and patted Alessa on the head as she smiled. And then Triangle Cranium and Jack had sex again. THE END."
He was basking in the glory of his masterpiece when the silence was shattered. His door slammed open and Valtiel came charging in.
"Where is my UNIFORM?!" he screamed. Pyramid Head was confused.
"I don't know! Why are you even asking me?!"
"You threatened to burn it, you DUMBASS!"
"Oh yeah, I did. BUT I DIDN'T BURN IT. God, how could I have?! I WAS IN THE FUCKING BATHROOM."
"You can split yourself, AND YOU FUCKING KNOW IT."
"That fast?! It takes a lot of concentration. Shouldn't you be getting your present for Alessa together instead of accusing me of random shit?!"
"I already have it ready, you stupid prick!"
Pyramid Head clicked print.
"You know what, stop being such a douche."
Valtiel went back into his room to get Alessa's gift, which was stashed under his bed. When he returned to Pyramid Head's room he found him finishing stapling the ridiculously huge stack of paper together with a construction-grade staple gun. He waved the finished product at Valtiel.
"My gift is super-special because I made it and that means IT CAME FROM MY HEART."
"Whatever."
The two started down the stairs and found the party in full swing. They sat together on the loveseat near the wall, which almost no one else sat on because it was Pyramid Head's personal "Love Zone" where Mr. Pink lived between the cushions. Valtiel didn't mind it because there were honestly worse places to sit in Silent Hill. He could think of several off the top of his head.
"So how are you?" Mary asked Pyramid Head.
"Oh, I'm cool... Just writing on and off, you know...working on the great American novel."
"That's good to hear. What made you leave stabbing?"
"Oh, it's a hobby on the side, but it just became a bit too strenuous..."
"Strenuous?!" Valtiel could have had a look of utter disgust on his face. If he had one.
"Yeah --"
"Stabbing was your most favorite thing ever!! I have to TURN VALVES, and my lunch time is only twenty minutes!!"
"You don't know the burden of carrying that chunk of metal over my back and taking the lives of souls who are in need of my judgment. Do you have ANY IDEA what it's like to judge people while carrying a fucking two ton knife?!"
"I GET MUSCLE CRAMPS. What do you get?! Nurses giving you joy rides!"
"YOU DON'T KNOW THE STRESS OF LIVING UP TO THEIR STANDARDS. I HAVE A BIG SWORD."
Suddenly, the hallway door flew open and everyone turned to see what was going on. There was Vincent, in a pair of baggy jeans and ridiculously expensive sneakers with an oversized tee shirt. On the front of the tee shirt was a bedazzled picture of a My Little Pony smoking weed and throwing dice while scowling out at the world. Beneath the picture it said, "Thugz lyf." Around his neck, Vincent wore several fake gold chains with varying money symbols at the end. He slammed his fists together -- he was wearing large, iced out fake rings that made the words "Sex God" when slammed together. He wore a black bandanna on his head and a pair of Kanye shutter shades in bright blue.
"'Sup. I heard there's a fine baby girl 'round here who needs a soldier."
Heather raised an eyebrow and looked at Maria.
"Aunty, check out this silly-ass wigga."
"Child, he's just tryin' to find a place in this world."
Heather was wary, but decided that if Vincent had changed this much that maybe he wasn't such a perv. She walked up to him and decided to try and make some sort of decent, dangerous conversation.
"Who's yo favorite rhymah, boy?"
"Um...Sisqo?"
"Bitch, GET YOUR PUNK ASS OUTA HERE!! That pansy-ass gay shit ain't anywhere near legit!"
"I was just kiddin'!"
"Oh for real?! Who you like then?!"
"Uh...um..."
"You like Em? That's coo'. He got some pretty good stuff. I like his underground stuff."
"Yeah, me too."
"You hear his new joint, 'Beautiful'? Damn, that song touched me right in mah gangstah-ass soul."
"Yeah, me too. Wanna have sex?"
"HELL NO!"
Xuchilbara pulled Heather by the arm and took her aside.
"Listen, Heather--"
"H-Dog."
"H-Dog, uh, you're not--"
There was a VERY loud knock at the door.
"Hello, police!" called a voice. Everyone got very quiet and looked over at Cybil.
"What?!" she said. "I'm the only cop here and you know it. The entire god damned neighborhood is in this house; there's no way anyone could be calling about noise!"
Harry opened the door and clapped a hand to his mouth in horror.
"Hi, I found this little lady wandering about and...here's Cheryl."
Cheryl and Lobsel Vith walked into the house.
"Daddy!" said Cheryl, tugging on Harry's jacket. Fake Harry's eyes grew wide, but he said nothing. Everyone rushed to see what Harry was gasping at, but they didn't have to wait long.
In came James.
Wearing Valtiel's Nazi uniform.
"OH MY GOD!!"
Screamed Valtiel. Part of him was relieved that the uniform was alright, the other part was furious that its sacred threads were soiled by James.
"MY UNIFORM!!!" Valtiel attempted to run to James to snatch it back, but Maria and Claudia tackled him to the ground. One for admiring killers that would ruin Paradise, and the other for being a white supremacist...monster...thing...
"I thought I was supposed to dress up in this cop uniform," James said, confused. "I was in this...strange otherworld that was rusty and dark, and just horrible. But I've been getting these weird missions, so I figured this had to be one of them."
"THAT'S NOT A COP UNIFORM!" Cybil screamed in horror.
Valtiel struggled away from the angry blonde ladies and added, "And that rust took CENTERIES to get perfect, and you couldn't even admire the blood coating on it?! THAT WAS THE BEST PART, YOU ASS."
But James eyes widened in surprise, and his mouth gaped open. He struggled with the words.
"...M-mary...?"
Mary turned around and stopped talking to Laura about unicorns. Her eyebrows scrunched together in trying to depict who the man in the inappropriate uniform was. Then. Finally.
"James?"
James smashed into Mary, gripping her in a bear hug. "Mary! I thought you were dead!!!"
"I know; this place is bizarre."
"It doesn't matter now, Mary. I'm a changed man. I'm a cop now. I made something out of myself!!!!"
"THAT'S NOT A FUCKING COP UNIFORM."
Pyramid Head watched from a distance as the angered James removed his uniform tunic at Cybil's request and took Mary in his arms, kissing her with all the passion of a crazed man who had been searching through hell for his dead wife...and finally found her. He could almost feel the sting of tears in his nonexistent eyes as his black heart beat at double time. So this is how it would end...with James choosing that lame blonde girl who totally didn't have eyes that sparkled like forbidden Atlantis vibration crystals.
"RAAAAAARGH!!" he shouted, standing. Reaching into his love zone couch he pulled out Mr. Pink, who was attached to his great knife. He ran out into the crowd and killed fake Harry since no one really seemed to care about him anyway.
"CALM THE FUCK DOWN!! And HOLY SHIT, I just STEAMED THE FUCKING CARPET!!" Valtiel shrieked.
"I DON'T BELIEVE THIS STUPID SHIT!!" Pyramid Head raged. It was in that moment that he realized that he wasn't Triangle Cranium. Triangle Cranium was an idealized projection of himself, just a character in a book that he could never be like without expensive plastic surgery that he couldn't afford with on-the-side stabbing and on and off erotic novel writing. He broke down and sobbed. Xuchilbara came up to him and patted him on the shoulder good naturedly.
"Now, now, Pyramid Head. It was all for the best. Soon, James will be just a memory. In fact, I bet you won't even see him by the next morning."
"Yeah. Well. Thanks, but you can't tell anyone what happened here," Pyramid Head said, even though the cat was already out of the bag and swinging around great knifes to kill fake Harrys.
With that, Xuchilbara slipped away from Pyramid Head back into the kitchen. It wasn't until he was completely alone with his Martha Stewart catalogue that he let out maniacal laughter. Soon enough, those spawns of embarrassment would be wiped out from hell and all of existence for good. Them and their dirty uniforms, bathroom etiquette, and crappy erotica novels. He threw the entire bottle of poison into the mixture and poured two glasses. Just two.
"Time to say good night, Valtiel and Pyramid Head. You blundering idiots."
And then...
"OH GOD, THE CAKE!" He rushed to the other kitchen to check if the cake became a crisp. Because it was definitely practical to have two kitchens in one house.
And just as Xuchilbara went out, Lobsel Vith came in.
"What's this? Bara-Bara was making drinks?" She sniffed at the mixture and made a disgusted face. "This smells like Raid! Who would drink this?!"
She sipped it.
"It IS Raid!"
She dumped the whole container out and pulled a kool-aid pitcher from the cabinet.
"Silly Bara-Bara, he must've forgotten that humans can't drink that stuff..."
She mixed together some raspberry and strawberry kool-aid with Jagermeister, along with some delicious tasting flour she had from time to time with a smudged label that read "Wh-te Cl--dia". It was her secret recipe. She called it "Magic Juice". Smiling cheerily, she wandered outside with the smiling pitcher. It had "Oh yeah!" etched on it in large friendly letters beneath the face.
"Who wants something to drink?!" she said, grinning. Everyone was very thirsty, so they just about rushed her into the ground in the pursuit of refreshment. There seemed to magically be enough for everyone. Alessa took a sip and noticed the alcohol and drugs immediately, but it was too late to stop everyone else.
"HEY, THIS STUFF IS GREAT!!" screamed Maria, dropping her charade.
"OH MY GOD IT IS!!!" Valtiel yelled back. "WOOOO!!"
"Let's get out of here, James. This is no place for Laura or Cheryl. They're drinking alcohol."
James, Mary, and the two kids quickly made their way to the door while walking over fake Harry's corpse in the process. Pyramid Head watched them go and sighed. He needed a drink. And fast.
"HEY, P-HEAD. TRY SOME OF THIS. IT'S GREAT!!!" Valtiel poured the glorious man of judgment who was getting more attractive with his rippling muscles and his flowing long locks by the minute a drink.
"Sure. Why the hell not..."
"IT'S GOOD, ISN'T IT?"
"CAN YOU TRY NOT YELLING IN MY EAR SINCE I LIKE BEING NOT DEAF."
"BUT IT IS AWESOME, ISN'T IT P-HEAD?"
Taking a swig, his magical world turned even more magical. Valtiel suddenly looked like a lovely effeminate Nazi cat-boy with cute little black ears. Pyramid Head was sure he had seen him somewhere before, but decided to brush the thought from his mind. Along with Valtiel's weird-ass Nazi fetish.
"You kind of look like A CUTE ANIME CHICK."
"REALLY?! THAT'S WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED!!! YOU LOOK LIKE TRIANGLE CRANIUM!!!!"
"FOR REAL?! SWEET!!!"
They started to booty dance near Angela and Walter Sullivan, who were attempting to dance the electric slide to Cher's Do You Believe.
Kaufmann and Claudia were sitting with Vincent near the back, watching him still trying to hit on Heather, who now looked like some sort of ancient Greek Goddess to him. He failed time and time again, especially since he was wearing a fur suit in Heather's mind. An incredibly GRODY fox fur suit with special holes.
"Hey, that guy's a big rap record producer," said Kaufmann. "He's trying to sign that girl on a record deal."
"I'M NOT A RAP CHICK. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!" shrieked Heather at Vincent. She had removed the jacket. Underneath it she was wearing a tank top that said "Solid DDs" and a black skirt with a giant shimmering necklace chain that had a globe at the end full of red jewels, representing the necklace her father gave her, but more gangster. However, Heather herself was gangster no more. Vincent did not realize that.
"Naw, baby, you need to get with me. I got the gs to keep you pleased, but you up in a G-5 where you and me will touch the skies...we'll pop cris on the couch all day then at night go to bed to play...I lay the fat rhymes like I lay the pipe..."
"GET AWAY FROM ME. I'M NOT A FURSUITER! AND I'M UNDER EIGHTEEN, SICKO -- HOLY CRAP, UNICORNS!!" Heather went running toward the hallway.
"I WANT TO BE A RAP STAR," said Claudia. "I CAN MAKE PEACE WITH MY RHYMING...SKILLS."
Vincent looked at Claudia. The drink made him see her as Jenna Jameson. Kaufmann smiled.
"I WANNA BE SOMEBODY, TOO."
Vincent looked at Kaufmann. The drink made him see him as Jenna Jameson.
"HOLY SHIT!!" screamed Vincent. Tonight was his lucky night.
Alessa sighed and retreated to her room, taking the scattered, slightly battered presents with her. "Ah, well. What was to be expected when I hold my birthday party in Silent Hill?"
"Hey, kiddo. Got room for one more to share this birthday with you?"
"I'm not a kid anymore, Xuchibara. But thanks anyway." She tried to smile while carefully unwrapping her first present, but couldn't manage to follow through with it. "This just isn't the way I wanted my birthday to turn out. I mean, not that I wasn't expecting it to, living in Silent Hill where the mothership lands with our alien brethren… But still...it would have been nice to have one normal birthday."
"Well I know this isn't what you wanted for your birthday, but I don't think any of us get what we want. Life just tends to screw you over like that. Like I wanted to kill off the human race in an everlasting inferno while the demons of hell worshiped me… But instead, I get two idiot incarnations that have identity issues and weird ass fetishes. But hey, this isn't about me. So here you go." He handed her a beaten up package. Alessa unraveled its contents.
"Xuchilbara, it's a ceremonial knife."
"Isn't it great?!"
"You always give me ceremonial knives."
"Well, this is the one of the fifteenth year! It's like those little Precious Moments figures that have one for each year, only useful! I blessed it myself!"
"Well, I guess I could use it for something," Alessa smiled thankfully. Xuchilbara hugged her.
"That's my girl! What's that over there?" He pointed at the giant block of paper.
"Oh...something Pyramid Head wrote for me, I hope there's no porn in it."
"Here's to hoping."
Meanwhile, it got wild outside. Xuchilbara decided to crash on Alessa's floor because he did not want to deal with that crap right now. The two slept somewhat soundly during the night full of loud, disturbing sounding sex, startling galloping noises, Harry yelling at people to stop touching him, and occasional squeals in German.
Downstairs on the lawn by the pool filled with empty cups from Magic Juice, Pyramid Head rested soundlessly while Valtiel curled next to his side. Both were under a conveniently placed blanket. Pyramid head opened his eyes, squinting, not really taking in the bright light of fogworld or the pounding headache from that cheap alcohol he had last night. He looked down at his side.
"Valtiel?!"
"Mein Führer!"
"GOD DAMN IT, I'M NOT YOUR FANATICAL GERMAN DICTATOR."
"Oh, it's you, P-Head."
"No it's not. This is just a really bad dream that you'll forget in a minute or I'll kill you."
"Can you stop being an asshole for just one second?"
"Fine, just...GOD, enough with that...Fuh...Fumigation crap; it's creepy as hell!"
"Anyway, whatever happened last night I'm okay with it."
"OF COURSE YOU'RE OKAY WITH IT!"
"Just listen! I'll forget about it if you forget about my fancy for Nazis. I don't want everyone knowing my sub persona, you know. It's personal."
"And inappropriate, you fucking weird-ass Nazi...thing."
"YOU ENJOYED LAST NIGHT YOU, COCK SUCKER. YEAH, I WENT THERE."
"YOU KNOW WHAT. JUST --- INAPPROPRIATE."
"ADMIT IT."
"GOD DAMN IT. JUST SHUT UP AND LET ME TALK."
"PUT THAT FUCKING KNIFE DOWN, AND THEN WE CAN TALK."
"FINE. It was....OKAY. You're not Jack. You're a creepy, spider monkey who looks like you crawled out of the sewers of Mexico. But you're kind of okay when you're not speaking English or just being quiet."
"Thanks, P-Head. I can understand why those nurses are always after you, WOO!"
"Just...don't go broadcasting."
"Of course not, mein F--"
"NO, GOD DAMN YOU!"
"Just kidding -- Cool down, P-Head. It was just a wild party."
And so the two morons of Xuchilbara's spawn finally came to terms with each other. And all was well with more buttsex and foreign languages to come.
While this was happening, a perverted priest in his late twenties was waking up in P-Head's Lair of Love.
"HOLY CRAP. YOU GUYS AREN'T JENNA JAMESON!!"
Fleeing the room in horror and what might have occurred while he was drugged with Magic Juice, he reached the front porch to find his old preacher clothes. He struggled to put them on and get out of there like a bat out of hell.
"Vincent, I think you need to seek a mental institution for your…issues."
He turned around.
"Look who's talking, Heather. Crazy girl who has three other personalities waltzing around somewhere in this godforsaken town. And I still never got to meet your other incarnation, Lobsel Vith!"
"Shut your trap for one minute before I have you committed. You're creepy. You're old. And you hit on girls half your age. So if you EVER hit on one of my incarnations again, I'll shank your white ass and call the cops while my daddy busts your head."
"Well...maybe I'll lighten up a bit since I scored big time last night."
"Good for you, man."
"Do you want to go out --"
"NO!"
"What if we went with Lobsel Vith and Harry. I just want to meet my Goddess!!!"
"Fair enough."
Vincent pumped his fist and ran down the street in euphoria as Heather looked off into the distance. She wondered if Maria safely made it to the land of the unicorns by following the king of the unicorns, Charlie the flamingo. She saluted the sunrise in honor of Maria's brave pioneer spirit.
Later that morning, Henry Townshend wandered up to the house, stoned as he possibly could be. He had left his apartment yesterday morning, but just couldn't find the house. Now here he was, a day late. He carried in his arms a charming potted cactus. It was in a lovely terra cotta pot that said "Mexico" on it and had a picture of an identical cactus in an identical pot on top of it, except the other pot had no cactus on it. It didn't even have "Mexico." He looked out over the mess and destruction in the yard. There was a creepy gnome in the middle of the yard with no pants on, flipping the bird with both hands. Several naked nurses were lying around and there was a strange huge banner with messy German slathered across it hanging over the roof. Harry was up in a tree, snoozing with a sombrero on and a bit of wheat in his mouth. Walter Sullivan had a KFC bucket on his head and was lying in the grass surrounded by assorted chicken bones and biscuits. Henry couldn't tell if what he was seeing was (A: As a result of being high (B: Reality (C: A test (D: A Dream (F: A movie (G: As a result of being high (H: A test (I: Porn (J: Richard Nixon (Q: A jar of almonds.
"What...the hell?" he said. It was just one of those days.
--
THE END