Authors Notes:
Tis I, back from the dusty realms of real life to bring you questionable fan fiction.
Still trying to get back into the swing of this, slowly but surely, I should be able to grow my offerings once more, most have disappeared into pixelated nothingness after over a decade of being entirely too busy, I thought it was time to start writing once more and continue the path I lose all those years ago.
In short, shit happened, most of my stories were deleted from all my accounts of various fan fiction and I'm writing again.
Some of it will be updated versions of ones posted from back in the day, more will be new and fresh stories, just give me some time to get used to this all again and balance my real life with writing.
I will respond to reviews etc, but don't be offended if it takes a while, a lot of my time is spent being rather unwell so what have patience with updates etc.
This story grew out of a conversation about how disorientating it must be to be suddenly yanked out of your own time and to time travel.
From the POV of Chakotay and his thought process, written as non-sequitor and confusing as real thoughts are.
Spoilers for the complete series and for the novels that are canon to the series both during and after.
I apologise for spelling mistakes and my ultimately terrible use of grammar, sadly the writing hasn't improved much in the time that's passed.
Chakotay always struck me as being extremely funny in a very subtle way, some of the things he came out with were genius but never really highlighted in the show, he's quite deadpanned and sarcastic so I went with it and then took it out to dinner and over-embellished somewhat.
Adult ratings for some suggestive sentences, fairly frequent profanity, absurd characterisations and constant use of the word fuck in all it's many forms.
Hopefully someone will enjoy.
Peace and love and thanks to anyone who makes it through my nonsense.
Disclaimer: Definitely not my characters, definitely not my show, definitely hoping no one sues. Am very poor unless you accept jammy-dodger biscuits, in which case I'm minted. Characters etc belong to people far more powerful than I. Go watch the show, enjoy it, it's awesome.
Bend It
As lectures go, this has to officially be the worst the Doctor has ever inflicted on us.
I have literally no idea what he's talking about. I thought it was supposed to be on the reproduction system of an Ocampan but he's been talking about Talaxian fungal infections for at least twenty minutes and the actual only Talaxian in attendance, Neelix, fell asleep about ten of those agonising minutes ago.
This goes beyond the call of duty, surely.
Am I really expected to sit here and endure years, decades in fact, of the Doctor's love affair with his own voice?
I could be out of the airlock before anyone would even detect it's been activated.
Tuvok is trying so stoically to exude his attention to the Doctor's every word but I can see that far away look in his eyes behind the collected calm of his pointed fingered concentration, he's meditating the cheeky git.
Only he would be able to get away with it, I only know because the Captain told me about it years ago after one particularly dull staff meeting, everyone else had gotten up and gone back to work and Tuvok was still sitting there at the table, in the exact same position he'd been in throughout the meeting. At first I thought he'd turned into some sort of logical statue but Kathryn had laughed and admitted when things get boring for Tuvok, he zones out and meditates, his concentrated stance betraying little of the fact he was paying no attention whatsoever.
I suppose being neutral constantly has its advantages, no one can tell if you're listening or not.
Harry's not even trying to hide the fact that the lights are on but no one's home, his glazed over appearance matches Paris almost identically, both of them staring, slack jawed into oblivion.
B'Elanna has been thumbing a padd, Wildman's trying to look interested, Seven didn't even attempt to stay, having brazenly risen five minutes into the lecture and stalked out the room with out any hesitation or apology whatsoever but best of all is Ayala.
He's sitting next to the Captain, making no attempt whatsoever to cover how bored he is and consequently roughly every two minutes or so, he yawns with such gusto, that Kathryn is then drawn into joining in the yawn uncontrollably, back and forth they go.
And they're both going about it so differently, neither have realised they've started a yawning-tennis match bouncing back and forth between them. Mike yawning, his jaw practically unhinging looking around the room for anything to focus on that isn't the Doctor, whilst Kathryn is trying to stifle hers by covering her mouth with the back of her hand in hopes she doesn't offend the EMH's fragile ego.
You'd think the Doctor would take the hint with the sea of bored faces staring back at him but he's in full swing, literally, either he's now talking about golf swings or he's punctuating the points he's trying to make by swinging his arms wildly around.
When he's like this, there's no stopping him short of deactivating him.
And while the want is there and so are the willing, Kathryn would be forced to then endure his whinging letters and lists of demands for reparations for the damage caused by the crew's constant rudeness towards him.
So I'm fighting the urge the best I can but I'm also seriously considering sending a message to the current bridge crew on my padd, to declare a red alert.
"And in all honestly, isn't this the best kind of guest to have? The fungi…" The Doctor is waiting for laughter that is never coming.
Decision made.
Just as I'm starting to covertly type an SOS to the bridge, I start to feel the familiar warming tingle of a transport.
Which is very odd indeed.
We're in large stretch of uninhabited space; nothing has been on long-range scans for days, so where the hell am I going?
And suddenly I'm in the bridge of a ship I've never seen before.
And a little round man is going absolutely bat shit crazy at me.
"What is it with you damn Voyager people?! I mean honestly, can't you find some kind of hobby that isn't playing with space time its self?! You just can't leave well alone can you!?"
What did you do Kathryn?
I know this has something to do with you.
"Never in all my many, many, many, years, I have never come across the same group of people as many bloody times as you bloody people!"
What I'm guessing is his crew looks completely unfazed by this lunatic.
"And do you ever listen when I tell you to stop all this madness? Of course bloody not! It's Janeway! It's always bloody Janeway! Don't get me started on bloody Janeway!"
Aha, there it is.
Reliable Kathryn, you could piss off the Gods.
I think maybe you have.
"How about you busy yourselves with just getting home in one piece eh!? Stop investigating every bloody little thing and just go quietly home"
My mouth starts to form a response that if we could, we would, but I think better of it.
He's gone very red in the face, his eyes are starting to bulge.
"And if that Borg woman ever steps foot on this ship again, I will turn her into a hat stand my bloody self!"
Is anyone going to give me more of a clue here, something that makes some sort of actual sense? You did just kidnap me after all, but the little man's ranting so much I can barely edge a word in, so remaining quiet seems the only option for the moment, hopefully ride out the crazy train and hope it lands me at a station where someone has the grace to tell me just what is happening right now.
"And the Talaxian, dear gods the Talaxian! It was like trying to get a puppy to perform brain surgery, seventy-two temporal incursions he caused, seventy-bloody-two! One of the time lines he spawned resulted in a bloody great big lizard, the likes of which haven't been seen since the fecking dinosaurs!…"
What now?
"…It ate the entire eco-system of an M Class Planet! No humanoid, animal or plant was safe! It's like you all are up for some non-existent award for most achievements fucking with the laws of nature! "
He has a fair point.
"Who the hell do you think you all are? You're a bunch of twats with a spaceship is what you are, who lord it round the universe like some bloody monkeys with a typewriter, occasionally hitting the right bloody key!" He's reaching a pitch I've rarely heard in nature.
I'm completely lost now.
"I'm done, Kenneth I'm going for something medicinal, I can't take this!"
And with that, he's gone.
What the actual fuck is happening right now?
And then there's another person in front of me and I feel myself taking a step back and bracing myself for another mysterious onslaught of… whatever that was.
"Commander Chakotay, I know you're probably confused right now"
"Understatement"
"He's been under a lot of… stress lately… which is where you come in"
Oh I'm not going to like this am I?
"We've been trying to unravel strings that have tangled together so to speak…"
And he starts to explain to me what he's apparently explained to me countless times before, with countless other Chakotays.
My own mind is unravelling.
I see why Kathryn gets headaches.
From what he's saying, I gather they've tried this more than once, with more than just me but have so far failed. But they're confident I'll get it this time.
I don't even know what this is, so I fucking doubt it.