How to find…
Summary:…Yourself when you are broken? Well maybe it was a good thing Drew decide to trail after her and pick up the pieces May left behind. Because when she was lost Drew was the one to find her. He always did.
M rated for adult themes.
Disclaimer: I don`t own pokemon. Though I did get inspiration from some scenes of Grey`s Anatomy, Gossip Girl and some fics I read a long time ago and I can´t even remember the names but some scenes got stuck on my head.
A/N: So I was in a dark mood and this came out. My first tongue is Spanish not English so don´t be to harsh ok? Also I need someone to help me to edit, please if you want to help me imbox?
Chapter 1
.x.-Smiles-.x.
I´m good. I´m good.
May uses this mantra when she is feeling low. She believes it.
And for a long while it works.
Until it doesn´t anymore
.x.-.x.
Teenage years hit her hard.
She is sixteen and she is traveling through Shinno region.
The glamour, the overwhelming shine and glimmer blinds her. Makes her feel like she is in a fairytale, but even when people in contest and outside calls her Princess of Hoen, she feels nothing like a princess. Like she doesn`t belong in all this glamour because she is only a plain girl playing to be something else.
But she likes the colorful outfits and the extravagant beauty, because behind all that sparkling fabric and nice jewelry she can hide herself.
"And our next performance, from Petalburg city, the Princess of Hoen. Let's welcome May"
Her ballerina skirt hum softly against her legs and her up do bounces slightly in back of her head as she takes the scenery. She hears excited screams and her name called in breathy voices.
She is self-conscious. At this age people see more in her than just her performance. She is afraid that what they are seeing it´s not enough. Certainly her performances hadn´t been enough.
It´s her fourth contest, and her fourth chance to get her first ribbon.
She is so terrified.
So she smiles and waves. And soon enough her pokeball is in the air with a flash.
.x.-.x.
She doesn´t win.
An attractive girl with blonde hair and soft purple eyes dressed like – guess what- a princess- does.
She is graceful, beautiful and elegant. Everything a coordinator should look like. Everything she is not.
The pain when that girl accept the ribbon with a smile makes her eyes swell with tears.
But she smiles.
.x.-.x.
"I´m fine, I´m just a little out of my game" She assures the pink haired coordinator in front of her "Just like Jhoto, I just need to find my way and everything will come back to normal" She add a pretty smile when she notice the hint of skepticism in her friend eyes.
For a moment she seems like she is going to argue but just in time hold herself back and let it go.
"Have you seen Drew recently?" Solidad says, her lips brushing the rim of the mug she is holding close to the face.
She truly appreciate the way Solidad tries to change subjects when she notice she is uncomfortable with certain topics, it only shows how good friend she is, but this time she couldn´t have chosen worst subject to discuss over.
Have you seen Drew recently? A taunt voice in her head replay.
No she hadn´t.
A cruel part of her whispers that he had been avoiding her since their kiss in the last grand festival in Unova where he had won.
A lump forms in her throat and suddenly air seems like a gift that doesn´t belong to her.
And she know that the smile that draws on her lips is so little convincing, Solidad narrow eyes confirm it.
"No really, I haven´t. Have you?"
.x.-.x.
May always laughs when people says "Don´t call the devil or he will show up" Sound a little silly, won't you say?
But this time she is not laughing because it´s not that funny anymore.
It´s only been a couple of day after her chat with Solidad and now she is in a different town and there is Drew.
Well not him. But a picture of him. He and his gorgeous green eyes are make the cover of Coordinator weekly magazine look like a beautiful piece of art. Oh but it´s the girl in his arm smiling and laughing with sparking eyes by his side that makes the picture so perfect.
The blond girl that had kicked her butt in her last contest.
The article says that they are dating. The newest couple in coordinating world.
A couple of warm tears fall on her cheeks before she is aware of the pricking sensation on her eyes.
Media lies. She tells herself. They always made up stories to rise their sells.
But before the stories were about them, about her and Drew. And they were lies really?
On her way to the Pokemon center where she is residing for the moment she make up one and thousand excuses why that article is a big fat lie.
"Hi May, here, have your Glaceon back. She is healthy and ready to kick some butt!" Offers the nurse Joy of this town in a cheerfully voice.
"Thanks Nurse Joy" And the smile that May gives her in sad, oh so sad that the other woman changes her demeanor in an instant, her mouth opens in a worry replay but May leave before she can utter a single noise.
.x.-.x.
Mom is crying again.
She doesn´t seems to realize just yet, because the forced smile of her lips hadn´t fallen and her nonsense mumbling keeps going on.
But her voice is so hallow and her face ashen.
And her tears.
"Mom" She calls, and her mother stops immediately almost as if she have been waiting for it.
"You father is cheating on me" Caroline bust out and almost straightaway more tears shower her face. Before May can utter a word while her mother is a wreck of sobs.
May feels numb for a moment her own eyes wetting at the news even if it´s not completely surprising if her last visit home was any indication.
But it´s not the place nor the time. The pokemon center is pretty empty this late at night and no one is preying in their conversation. Nurse Joy gives her apologetic look laced with pity and shows herself out leaving the table she was cleaning half done.
She lets her mother break down feeling awful, not at her swollen eyes or red face. No she feels awful because she is glad that there is a glass between them. And a miles and miles of distance.
She can´t take her mother's pain because she have enough with her own.
So she smiles and says.
"Everything is gonna be fine mommy" But inside of her are part that are breaking and the noise of those shattering pieces shallows her words into nothingness.
.x.-.x.
May finally sees Drew after winning her third ribbon.
She is happily chatting with a brown haired boy that she meet in a previous contest –Kenny?- when her eye caught sight of green. And when she looks a little harder she finds his eyes fixed on her.
They find their way to each other. Like they always do. Pulled by an invisible force.
And she smiles, a sincere happy smile. But he doesn´t return it.
"You been lacking off" Are his first word. They are harsh but she can deal with harsh. Always did.
"Oh yeah, it´s good to see you too" She replies in a half teasing half sarcastic tone. Some part of her is bleeding at his words –Because at this point that the last thing she needs of him- but she refuse to show it.
Drew loses some of his hard appearance but something in him keeps tense. Still his signature smirk pulls half of his mouth up.
May feels really awkward and nervous, this is the first time they talk since they kiss so many months ago… and also since that article (and the ones that follow that one).
"So June, how many ribbons you accomplished?" His arrogance is in full force but his hard glare tell her he already knows.
She stumble with her words a little before composing herself and admitting in an embarrassed tone what they both know. Her very pitiful succeed till now.
He grimace "I already have my five ribbons, so does Solidad. Damn even Harley have four. This is the way you want to call yourself my rival? Or anyone rival for that matter?" His voice is poison and his word are dagger plunging in the already open wound on her heart.
"I… i`m sorry" He must have expecting for her to flare up and explode, to bit back like she always does. But she is hurt and his words only fuels her own doubts and made her self-esteem fall a little bit more. He must have realized of this because his annoyed face falls and an expression she can´t quite place covers his face.
She manage to put the sweetest smile she can –Because the bitter taste in her mouth is gonna make her cry any moment now
"I´m sorry, I´m gonna make better ok?" The words are not fully out of her mouth but she is already leaving the scene.
She doesn´t hear Drew´s voce carry on after her calling her name. Because he doesn`t do that.
.x.-.x.
"Awww sugar cookie you really should consider a change in your wardrobe" Harley declares casually in a middle of a chat they are having after they cross paths in Floroma town.
"What do you mean" She asks before she can stops herself. She is not sure she want to hear what he has to say.
Cause Harley have a mean way of saying things even when his intention is not to hurt. And she is still not sure what his intentions towards her half of the time are. He doesn´t seem to hate her half as much as before, still sometimes it´s looks like that feeling still lingers.
"Just telling darling. You are a beautiful young woman now. It´s wouldn´t hurt to look the part" At her confusion he chuckles and adds "well I very much find difficult that any young man find that attire appealing. Only lesbian bikers would find it attractive" He giggles like a school girls "Maybe Drewbe-doo would wander his eyes back to you and stop spending time with that blonde bimbo"
May feel hot pain, like someone had just slapped her.
Maybe that why Drew ignored her all this time and then didn´t even seem to acknowledge their kiss. Maybe that was the reason he seemed to appear more often in gossip magazines with the blond girl.
She is failing as coordinator.
And as a girl also, it seems.
.x.-.x.
Drew wins. Again. Two times in a row.
He must be feeling in the heaven as much as she is feeling in the dirt bellow everybody feet. She was eliminated in the final eight. She had never end up so low nor fall so fast.
He is smiling brightly and just a little bit arrogantly at the cameras holding in one arm his big shiny ribbon cup.
She can taste just a little bit of jealousy –self-pity disappointment, yes plenty- but just a little bit of jealousy. She is mostly glad and proud that he won.
But then in one side of the screen something yellow catch her eyes and suddenly the girl who lost –the one he had fought, the one everyone says he is dating- steals the focus of the cameras with her stunning beauty and classy movements and before anyone can react she is kissing him right there.
The flashes goes wild then everything than can be disguised over the lights in the screen are some blurred colors. Yellow, green and purple.
The flashes keep breaking through the cameras in stunning lights like her heath breaks into the floor.
And the buzzing in her ears could be the exited and surprised whispers and shutting of people around her – even his fans crying, maybe- or it could be the echoes of the falling pieces of her hope crashing in the ceramic floor.
.x.-.x.
She is strong person, she want to believe she is.
So this time she decide to face him.
She is strong so there is no reason for her hand to be shaking just inches away from the doorknob of the room he is, in the back stage.
Time stops around her, the ticking of the clock is like thunder as she shut out all sound around her. Her heartbeat copies the sound of the clock and soon enough all she feels are the tum-tum, tum-tum pulsating in her veins.
This is it.
She opens the door and there he is. She smiles and he give her back another smile.
Tum-tum, tum-tum. Faster.
Her voice is soft when she congratulate him and for a moment he seems like he has forgotten the way he lashed out at her hours before when she had returned back stage with the heavy weight of lost loaming over her head. No this moment with his clear eyes and harmonic demeanor she could almost forget about his disappointed glare and taunt words.
They have a little chit chat, talking about nothing but doing it like it´s the more important thing in the word. The talk in a way they haven´t in like feel like years.
And the she bring her up. The blond girl. Her name is Tamara, he corrects her and that hurt. But she goes on and ask about her.
And in an instant the comfortable place they were is gone.
He grows annoyed and his irritation shows in his handsome face. And she doesn´t understand, she truly doesn´t. Because he is not giving her nothing to work with. He is speaking but he is not talking. Or it goes the other way around? She is more confused, hurt, and angry so angry, with every passing second.
And she truly doesn´t know what she did wrong.
Is because he truly loves that girl? –Tamara, she reminds herself bitterly. Or maybe because she isn`t a good coordinator anymore. She lost, she lose, she always lose.
She is angry and he is shouting without reason – why are you meddling in my business? This doesn´t concern you! You can be so noisy May!
"You know I care about you" Is totally unintentional, she didn´t mean for her mouth to bust the word before her brain catch up the inadequacy of those words in that moment.
However this seems to make him pause, his mouth frozen in another shout and whatever hurtful words constricted in his throat.
She is strong, so she takes all the bravery she have felt and continues in the steadiest voice she can muster.
"You know… don`t you? So… why have you been acting this way all this season? Is… is because of her?" Her words are clumsy out of her mouth and something in the back of her throat tells her that she is about to crack. But she is strong. She is. So she lets the words float off of the lips. "Do you… do you like her? You seem to be spending a lot of time with her… and you… you kissed" Oh. Yep that was definitely her voice breaking. But she is so used to pain that she don´t acknowledge anymore. It hurt more because he is looking at her blankly and mute. "But… you have to know… know the way I feel about you, right? I made it pretty clear last season… so, I… Look I know I´m not as pretty as she is, and I´m very clumsy and I ate a lot and I always make mistakes… but I truly care about you… So chose me, pick me I… I..." I think I might be in love with you. But this time she can´t force the word out of her mouth.
His expression is bemused, bewailed and she can also see the hint of discomfort, maybe even pity. And that's enough to make her back down to want to take back everything she just said and put it back in her mouth and the close her lips with glue.
Instead she smiles, her best foolish smile and hopes her lips are not quivering.
"Ok… ok. That's fine. I understand"
No she doesn`t
She turns and leaves.
He doesn´t care. He doesn´t. Maybe he is in love with that other girl and that is the reason of his behavior.
She is not going to cry.
She is strong. She is.
Only she is not.
She is weak. Cause only weak people thinks that they are strong, that they can carry all the weight of the world over their shoulder and paint pain with smiles. Cause only weak people find they are weak when they are completely broken, that like shattered glass their pieces are lying all around without connecting, without making any sense.
And this time she feels broken.
Her family is broken, so is her career and the hopes of love. It´s makes sense that she is broken too.
This time while walking through the corridor full of coordinators and faceless people that wave at her and call her name May doesn't' smile. She doesn´t have more smiles to give.
But she is so broken, she doesn´t have tear to shed neither.
So she keep walking, walking until her feet hurt and her legs cramps.
She walks not run. She is not running. She is only looking… looking for something.
Somehow she end up in a ferry. To where she doesn´t know. Neither cares.
.x.-.x.
So what do you think? If I have at least 5 reviews I will update soon k?