Chapter 1

I was sleeping, or well trying to, when I got hit with a flashback like nightmare. It was of the day I found Gamzee holding Tavros' dead body about a year ago.

~====3====~

I was sitting on the computer in my sleep clothes talking to Sollux when I heard the worst sound I've ever heard in my entire life. I heard Gamzee's piercing wail come from next door.

I quickly through on some decent clothing and ran across the driveway and to Tavros' house.

The front door was swung wide open and I ran in and looked down the hallway to see my best friend holding his boyfriend's bleeding body and wailing.

Most of what he was screaming was unintelligible. I dropped in front of him, "GAMZEE? GAMZEE WHAT'S GOING ON WHAT HAPPENED?"

He didn't respond, he just kept wailing.

Most of the memory was a blur. It didn't take me very long to realize that Tavros had shot himself in the head. The blood splatter everywhere and the hole in the frail guys head told me that. I walked out of the room and out the door and called 911.

"YEAH I'M CALLING TO REPORT MY FRIEND'S SUICIDE. MY BEST FRIEND AND HIS BOYFRIEND FOUND HIM JUST NOW. I'M TAVROS' NEIGHBOR AND WHEN I HEARD GAMZEE SCREAM I RAN STRAIGHT OVER."

The EMT's and the police were there shortly. I met with them outside. I explained to the police that the screaming was my best friend.

"What's his name?" The officer asked.

"GAMZEE MAKARA."

"And you said that he found the body?"

"YES, I HEARD HIM SCREAMING HIS NAME AND I RAN STRAIGHT OVER. I THINK THEY'RE GONNA NEED SOME HELP GETTING TAVROS FROM GAMZEE. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK." I ran back into the house and ran in front of the EMTs.

"GAMZEE, YOU NEED TO LET HIM GO." I said, getting a little irritated at the fact he couldn't hear me.

The EMT spoke gently to him, "He's gone, we need to take him."

Gamzee screamed again, "No! No! He cAn't bE GoNe, He cAn't! TaVrOs... My tAvRoS..."

I looked at him sadly and said, "YOU GOTTA LET HIM GO GAMZEE. WE WERE TOO LATE."

He tipped his head back and wailed.

The EMT looked at me and told me to go behind him and pull back while he pulls Tavros from him. So I did. Gamzee screamed and tried to pull himself out of my grasp to get to his fallen love.

They took Tavros away and I held onto Gamzee for awhile longer to restrain him from going after them, and for the selfish reason of I just saw one of my close friends dead in my best friend's arms and I wanted to hold onto him to try and make him feel at least a little better.

Stupid, he doesn't want to be near you right now. Let go. I thought angrily to myself. I let him go and he slumped forward into a sobbing mess.

I had to go get his family, they'd be able to take care of him…

Since, well, I couldn't.

~====3====~

I woke with a start. Damnit, I can't believe I'm still dreaming about that after all this time. Gamzee has been doing a lot better. We've been hanging out a lot over the last year. It was the anniversary of Tavros' death on Friday, and it was Thursday morning technically seeing as it was 4AM.

I rolled onto my side and stared out into the darkness of my room. It was murder on me to see him so upset.

I rolled onto my other side. I needed to stop thinking about him like this.

I saw my phone light up on the table next to my bed. It was like staring into the sun, but I grabbed my phone and looked at who had messaged me. It was Gamzee.

"HeY KaRbRo... SoRrY FoR TeXtInG YoU ThIs eArLy... BuT I'M OuT Of fAyGo aNd i'm jUsT So mEsSeD Up…"

I groaned. He told me a long time ago that he was spiking his Faygo when I caved and said I'd try it and I could smell the alcohol. He had been mixing them stronger, he had said, ever since Tavros had died. That was the only reason why I could smell it.

I texted him back, "WHAT'S WRONG AND WHY CAN'T YOU JUST MIX SOME MORE FAYGO?"

He replied quickly, "ThAnK ThE MeSsIaHs yOu'rE AwAkE, aNd bEcAuSe mY PaReNtS DoN'T PiCk uP AnY MoRe fAyGo tIlL ToNiGhT So i cAn't mIx aNy! I'M MoThErFuCkInG FrEaKiNg oUt aLl tHeSe mUrDeRoUs tHoUgHtS ArE BaCk i jUsT WaNnA BeAt tHe mOtHeRfUcKiNg hElL OuT Of vRiSkA... bUt i cAn't dO ThAt tHaT WoN'T BrInG TaVrOs bAcK…"

"NO IT WON'T MAN, I FUCKING TOLD YOU THAT A YEAR AGO. BUT USUALLY YOU HAVE ENOUGH FAYGO TO LAST THE WEEK, WHY ARE YOU OUT NOW?"

His reply was almost instant, "I'Ve bEeN DrInKiNg mOtHeRfUcKiNg mOrE Of iT, tHaT'S WhY. aLl wEeK I'Ve hAd a lItTlE MoRe tHaN UsUaL. aNd i jUsT DrAnK ThE LaSt bOtTlE AnD NoW I'M FuCkEd bEcAuSe tHeSe mOtHeRfUcKiNg vOiCeS WoN'T LeT Me bE…"

I paled, "VOICES? YOU'VE NEVER MENTIONED ANYTHING ABOUT HEARING FUCKING VOICES GAMZEE! I TAKE IT YOU DRINK TO SILENCE THEM THEN?"

"YeAh, AnD It uSuAlLy wOrKs bUt lAtElY ThEy'vE BeEn gEtTiNg lOuDeR AnD LoUdEr aNd i mOtHeRfUcKiNg cAn't mAkE ThEm sToP KaRbRo!"

I could feel my heart rate picking up, "OH MY FUCK GAMZEE YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME. I THINK IT'S FROM ALL THE SUPPRESSED GRIEF OF YOURS. IT'S SURFACING BACK UP AND TELLING YOU TO KILL HER."

"I ThInK YoU'Re rIgHt mOtHeRfUcKeR, i'vE BeEn wAiTiNg fOr a mOtHeRfUcKiNg mIrAcLe tO CoMe aNd tAkE ThEsE VoIcEs aWaY BuT NoThInG Is wOrKiNg. Do yOu hAvE AnY IdEaS BrO?"

I hesitated and tried to think, "DO YOU THINK THAT ACTIVELY DEALING WITH YOUR GRIEF INSTEAD OF BURYING IT WITH ALCOHOL WOULD DO THE TRICK?"

It took him a little bit to reply, "MaYbE, tHaNkS KaRbRo. I'M GoNnA LeT YoU GeT A LiTtLe mOrE SlEeP TiLl wE GoTtA GeT Up fOr sChOoL. tAlK To yOu lAtEr mOtHeRfUcKeR!"

I second I put the phone down I was out cold