"Do you want to grab a coffee after lab?" Delphine asked casually, leaning in my direction. We'd been in the library for the better part of the last two hours after meeting for tea earlier that afternoon. My annotated bibliography was not going to write itself, but instead Delphine and I had spent most of the last hour discussing the discovery of Homo naledi and the fossil record. My heart beat rapidly in response, every cell in my body seemingly trying to get just a little bit closer.
It was official. I had it bad, of course I'd known that for months. Months of pining, in denial of my own pining. I'd half-neglected everything in my life except my thesis and Delphine. Gorgeous Delphine. Brilliant Delphine. Straight Delphine.
Of course it couldn't actually work. I knew that. I'd known when I met her in June, French student just taking a year's worth of courses at U of T to help with future employment. Next fall, Delphine would start medical school in France, far too expensive to do it here, as the blonde told her every so often.
Her presence had served to brighten my last year of university; I'd taken an extra year to round out my courses and pursue my thesis on a reduced course load. It had been the perfect work year, until Delphine showed up in the one genetics course I took over the summer.
I paused, closing my eyes for just a moment, trying to calm myself down, "Yeah we can totally meet up after."
"Great, well I have to go meet Dr. Leekie, but I will be back." She reached forward to squeeze my hand, and looked at me in surprise when I didn't let go.
"So, some friends of mine are having a Halloween party tomorrow night." After three months of barely seeing them, they were starting to get pretty pissed. So, I had to go, but that didn't mean I couldn't bring Delphine with me.
"Tomorrow?"
"Come with me, it'll be fun." I cajoled gently, looking into hazel eyes that still managed to hypnotize me.
"We do not do Halloween in France. Well, some people do costume parties but we don't-"
I nodded in agreement, "Exactly, it's why you should come. Dress up in a costume. And if you hate it? We can leave early and go watch scary movies at my place."
"Do you really want to go?" Delphine looked at me, trying to read my face.
I leaned forward, smiling, "Yeah. And I want you to go with me."
"Okay." Delphine agreed, leaning in to kiss me briefly on each cheek. This stupid cultural gesture that had me swooning and simmering in arousal nearly 24/7. Was she flirting, or was she just French. I'd decided weeks ago, before the start of fall term that Delphine, despite the inordinate amount of time we spend together, was really just French.
Instead, I swallowed, "Great, I'll get you the address. Party starts at seven, I'll meet you outside the house at seven-thirty."
"Okay," I watched Delphine mouth sept-heure-trente as she often did, "I really have to go. Ciao."
"Bye." I replied helplessly, watching her stand and walk her perfect willowy form out of the library.
Thesis, I reminded myself returning my attention to my laptop, thesis.
I waited outside the party, but had resolved to take only a puff of the joint Bobbi offered me, her own vampire costume far skimpier than my own, probably to show off her many awesome tattoos.
Mine was simple, a long black cape, a short burgundy dress, black boots, and fangs. I hadn't bothered to whiten my complexion with make-up, or put too much effort into the costume at all. My mind had been elsewhere. Delphine.
"Cosima!" I was greeted by Delphine, wearing a long black dress and a witch hat. It's not skimpy, but it's perfect. Shows off how pale her skin is, how adorable she is...
I could not stop myself from exclaiming in response, "A witch, perfect!"
"I borrowed it from one of the other international students." she admitted shyly, "So, should we go in?"
"Yeah absolutely," I grabbed Delphine's hand to lead her through the crowd, the living room was full of people, mostly students. Glancing around quickly, I located Felix standing next to the punch bowl and a large cauldron of candy corn. Only about half the attendees were in costume, despite Felix's strong encouragement in favour of dressing up.
"Hey!" I waved, dragging Delphine along behind me to finally make the formal introduction between the two. Damn, had it really been two months since I'd seen Felix? I wrack my brain, surely I must have seen him in the last month. Sometime between thesis writing and showing Delphine around the city.
Felix was clad in red devil horns, and red shorts, though he'd at least made the effort to paint himself red a bit, much more so than most of the other attendees.
"So, this is Felix," I pulled her up to the host, "Art student. Party host. And this is Delphine."
"Hello Felix." Delphine reached out her hand, which Felix took reluctantly.
"Delphine. So, do you want to go grab a drink? Do the French even do Halloween? Give me a minute with Cos, yeah?" Felix asked, filterless as usual.
"Sure." Delphine nodded, looking him over uncertainly. Felix read as gay, he always did, to everyone. And Delphine was no bigot, so that must not be it. I tried to ignore the tension as Delphine gave my hand another squeeze and went towards the cooler in the kitchen.
"You brought Delphine?!" Felix grumbled angrily once the blonde was out of range. "I haven't seen you in over a month, and you brought Delphine?!"
"Umm yeah. She's like my best friend." I reached for the first words I could find, letting them out. Maybe I should have launched into my 'various vampire mythos around the world' spiel, but I had been intending to save that for Delphine.
"Yeah. I know, the two of you have been attached at the hip since she arrived summer term. You're in love with straight Delphine. Ugh… well you know what… Shay's here." Felix offered. "And she'll put out too. Get you over this straight girl hump. Or…lack of humping really."
Like I didn't already know. We'd hooked up a few times in the last year. We weren't really suited for a relationship. Her opinion of 'women in the sciences' was enough to determine that. Inwardly, I laughed, if she thought I was too cute for hard sciences, I couldn't wait until she got a look at Delphine.
"How do you know I haven't had sex?" Who said I needed to anyway? And what right of it was Felix's to know that even if I hadn't been.
Felix rolled his eyes, "Please. You'd have to let go of Delphine's hand to accomplish it, and I don't think that has happened in months."
I laughed awkwardly, unsure of what else to say. He's not exactly wrong. I could count easily the number of days I hadn't seen Delphine in the last few months. Even once I'd realized that it wasn't a burgeoning romance, as I'd originally hoped, just an amazing friendship. I'd be unable to stop myself from getting closer, falling deeper. We had so much in common, so much chemistry… there were ways in which had been just so easy to fall into our own little world.
Felix scowled in response, "You're inseparable. It's ridiculous. And you're too old to do the straight girl thing Cos, you're already 22." He was right, even without sex, I'd been tied to Delphine. Even worse? I'd convinced myself I didn't care.
"Yeah. I know… It's not like I don't know. I just really like being around her, Felix." Where was Delphine anyways? Did it take this long to grab a cooler? Or a beer?
"Nonsense, scratching post, get the itch scratched. A bit of distance from Frenchie over there, and voila! You'll be back to normal." Felix paused to take a liberal swig of his drink, whatever it was.
"Fee, I really don't think that will help," I insisted under my breath.
"Oi! Shay! Cosima just came in!" Felix shouted loudly towards the far wall of what was usually the dining room of this student house.
"Hey!" Shay greeted me loudly from her place against the wall. She was decked out in skimpy clothes and bunny ears, her hand grabs my wrist pulling me in. "It's been a while."
"You don't even go to U of T." I let my eyebrows raise, maybe she'll just leave me alone. Maybe I should listen to Felix and just find somebody to fuck. Something more attainable than Delphine. Who of course, had returned, a cooler in one hand, a beer, probably for me, in the other.
"Who's the blonde?" Shay asked curiously, eying the space between Delphine and I. "The other blonde." She clarifies at my mock confusion.
"Delphine." I answered simply, I'm not interested in talking to Shay. Our 'affiliation' was purely physical. A fuck or two, get up and leave afterwards. No need to text or call, nevermind talk. Long conversations were not the reason we 'hung out'.
"Your girlfriend?"
"No." I was unable to keep the disappointment from my voice. It sounded bitter, even to myself.
"Hmm… well if you want me to cheer you up, I'll even let you bite me. But you have to earn it." Shay taunted me flirtatiously, pulling me in for the kiss.
A tap to my shoulder provided an awkward, yet welcome interruption, "Cosima, I got you a beer." Delphine glanced pointedly between Shay and I, appearing very annoyed.
"Thanks Delphine," I accepted it readily, taking a long swig, "What took so long?"
"Oh," Delphine waved me off, "I ran into this guy I knew from campus."
"Oh… and?" Another dude trying to get into her pants? Probably, I sighed to myself. Their attention irked me, even when Delphine did nothing but laugh and smile back.
"We talked a bit? Who is this?" Delphine looked between the two of us, brow furrowing, in an attempt to get a read on the relationship.
"This is Shay." I offered the simplest explanation possible.
"Occasionally we fuck." Shay substituted in the nature of our relationship. I think she enjoyed the new expression of annoyance that graced Delphine's beautiful face. It wasn't jealousy, I reasoned to myself, it couldn't be…
"Are you a student?" Delphine attempted politeness, but I could tell it was a veneer.
"No… not anymore. I work." Shay leaned back, taking a long drink from her punch.
Delphine glanced between us, lips thinning, "Then who do you know here? One of the hosts?"
"Hey, Delphine!" A ridiculously burly-looking guy emerges from the kitchen, intent on catching up with Delphine. I sized him up readily, I knew what he was after, and while I couldn't blame him, I wanted to gouge my eyes out rather than watch him grope Delphine.
"Allo Ben." Delphine smiled, looking at him, "Cosima, do you know each other?"
I gesture towards the man, taking him in, he did look vaguely familiar, "Can't say I do… wait… you're that guy in commerce, right? Student union shit?" I remembered the face from posters last spring running for a VP role… But I couldn't be sure.
Ben shrugged, "Yeah. That's me. So, I was telling Delphine here about charity ball, it's coming up in another three weeks."
Delphine leaned in, letting her accent thicken her voice more than usual, "Isn't that interesting?" Ben, for his part, looks like he's unexpectedly won the hook-up lottery.
"You want to go to that?" I tilted my head at Delphine, trying to get a read on her, but suddenly all I could concentrate on was her hand on Ben's shoulder, who of course, seemed delighted with this turn of events. Delphine never talked about this shit. Relationships. Sex. Was it a turn-off for her to know too much about mine? It becomes quickly apparent that Delphine was flirting, and she was better at it than I'd expected. I should have known. It was classic flirting, very rote… and absolutely effective.
"What was the cause again?" Delphine looked at Ben probingly, shifting her weight to emphasize her hips,"All proceeds to what charity?"
"Oh… there's a list. All right here in Toronto. Anyways, you should come. And your friend too, if she wants to, I guess." He stumbled over his words, what could Delphine see in this goon? He's sort of good looking I guessed, pale, broad shouldered, blue-eyed. Is this what really did it for Delphine? Why was she doing this? A small part of my mind fantasized wildly; jealousy? I corrected myself, I was the one who was jealous… It had to be just me.
I had no intention of going to this charity ball just to watch this boy take Delphine home with him. In fact, I was becoming quickly convinced that Delphine was flirting. Definitely not sticking around to watch that.
"Oh well, Cosima has her thesis, but I'd love to go." Delphine offered, somewhat flirtatiously, her words drawing Ben in closer without even moving towards him.
Shay fake-coughed, "So… Cos, you want to go split a joint?"
Anything to get the hell out of here, I thought, looking at Delphine with a similar look of annoyance. We'd spent practically all our time alone together. Talking. Cooking. Watching Netflix. Obsessing about our research. About biology and genetics… I'd never seen this side of Delphine before, and it was far too polished, practiced… I didn't like it. A small voice inside my head reminded me of the reason. Jealousy.
"I'm going to grab another drink," Ben offered backing towards the kitchen, "You want something?"
"Umm…" I looked to Delphine for an answer briefly before turning back, "Okay… I'll be right back Delphine."
"Oh. Take your time." Delphine spat out, "I'll just sit around in a crowd of people I don't know…" I'd never seen her like this, too introverted maybe?
"Okay, she needs to chill… you want to come smoke with us?" Shay offered, making it quite clear with her tone she wanted me alone.
"No… not at all." The shake of Delphine's head was a firm no, "I'll just go have a drink with Ben."
"She just quit smoking last year," I volunteered for her, "Like…even me smoking pot pisses her off these days."
"Cosima!"
"What? It's not a secret." I shot back, "Just… go meet people. I'll, like, be right back." It's not like the blonde will have any trouble in that department. If picking up was what she wanted to do at this party, I might as well take myself out of the way and let her do it.
Delphine mumbled under her breath, "Reeking of marijuana." As Shay guided me out to the back yard, pulling out a joint from her bra.
"I know you want this…" She teased, lighting it and taking a slow drag before passing it to me.
"Yeah." I nodded, copying the motion. It was colder than expected, and once slightly stoned, I wandered back into the house afterwards, grabbing a fistful of chips and stuffing them into my mouth. I wasn't willing to be any more impaired than I already was. Unable to find Delphine, I made small talk with Shay, but was unsure when it changed from vampire myths and past life shit to being pushed against the side of the fridge with Shay's pierced tongue in my mouth, one small hand firmly cupping my breast as she teased me in front of a roomful of partygoers.
"Cosima, I am going home." A familiar accented voice called clearly from behind Shay, and the whooping and groans of a bunch of boys enjoying the show. Most of them not even in costume, a few dressed like they just walked off the set of the Walking Dead.
I pushed Shay away, long enough to find my phone, "We've only been here an hour." I explained, taking deep breaths as Shay looks back at me in satisfaction. She thinks she'll have me tonight, I mused, but she's wrong. What was I doing? Literally pushing Delphine at the next chump to come along?
I finally got the chance to regard Delphine more closely, her hair was more messed up than usual and someone had clearly spilled beer on her dress. I wasn't going to let this continue, whatever this was.
A glare from Delphine was the only sign, I realized if I didn't leave with Delphine now she may not speak to me for days.
"Right, so I have to take Delphine home." I excused myself past a pouting Shay, "I'll, like, see you next time."
"Right…" Shay nodded her response, already looking for someone else to take my place between her sheets.
"God, I'm sorry Delphine," I reached into a bottom drawer for a tea towel, intent on getting some of the foul liquid out of her dress. How had this evening gotten so out of hand? I remembered my goal having been to impress Delphine with my knowledge of vampire lore, and introduce her to people while smoothing things over with my neglected social circle.
"Why am I even here? You just want to make out with a woman in lingerie and bunny ears whose name I have never even heard before tonight." Delphine accused me, as I tried to mop up the beer from her dress, inadvertently pressing the towel into her flesh. But I couldn't grab or grope like I suspected he had… though, I could tell whatever had gone on between the two of them had not gone well.
"No… no… I wanted you here. I wanted to introduce you around and talk vampire lore and have a few drinks…" I left out a long breath, "But then there was Ben, and I figured I might as well leave you to it."
Delphine's eyes flashed at me as she exclaimed, "Ben? You think I wanted Ben?!" She slapped a hand to her forehead in frustration.
"You didn't?" As if things couldn't get more confusing. What the fuck was going on? I couldn't be sure, but it was looking like the two of us had better leave this party. And soon.
"No.. let's… let's just go." Delphine sighed, shaking her head at me.
"Rough night? Let's go back to mine and watch movies instead." I offered, guiding Delphine towards the closest door. I'd shoot Felix an apology text tomorrow, or something.
"Okay." Delphine agreed, letting me walk her to the closest subway stop. It was not that busy a few more students in costume litter the TTC stops, but it won't take long to get back to my apartment.
"Why is your hair such a mess?" I asked aloud without thinking. I hoped she'd tell me it wasn't sex at least. I knew of several rooms and dark corners in the basement where partygoers could have the space for a quick fuck. I just thought I might vomit if I had to come any closer to picturing Delphine doing it on Felix's washing machine with that man-boy.
"Oh… Ben kissed me and messed it up a bit," Delphine shrugged, "I wasn't that into it… Terrible kisser. It was awful."
"Oh." Secretly I was pleased, he sucked, Delphine had decided to come home with me… Or just go home alone. Sooner or later I knew I'd have to face the truth; Delphine was straight, she'd find some guy and start fucking him, and my turn to monopolize all her free time would be over. And I'd have to squash my fantasies down into the deepest recesses of my mind, concentrate on just being her friend.
"What about you?" Delphine sniffed me slightly, "Just smoke?"
"Yeah, we just smoked, you saw everything else. I don't like Shay. I mean…she's okay and everything. But it was just casual sex, it's not like I have a girlfriend I didn't tell you about. I haven't even seen her since last spring." I explained quietly on route to a brooding Delphine. I don't want her, I added silently to myself, I want to be with you.
Delphine eyed me carefully, "I didn't ask."
I continued regardless, "No… but I think you wanted to know. That's why her name has never come up. I fucked her a few times. So what?" I realized suddenly I was missing my fangs, but it didn't really matter. It was just a costume. I could always get another pair, if I wanted to be a vampiress again.
"Nothing." Delphine shrugged off my defensiveness, "That is your personal life."
"Yeah. It is." I'm reminded of my intense feelings on the subject, against slut-shaming. "Here's our stop."
We move back up to street level, heading for the four storey walk-up I currently call home. At least while I'm here in Toronto. Delphine was so quiet, I doubted she even wanted to stay. Stupid idea. Why had I left her at the party? In some hopeless attempt to make her jealous? Idiot, I scolded myself.
"Hey, I'm like really sorry I left you alone at the party. That was shitty of me."
"Yes it was."
"I understand if you don't want to come up," I offered the out, looking at Delphine for direction.
Delphine mirrored my posture, looking down at me for a moment, "Non, I want to stay with you."
I let her lead me up the stairs to my own apartment. "Cosima, did you really want to stay? At the party?"
"No. I want to be here with you." I responded on autopilot as I opened the door, it stuck and caught briefly before I managed to swing it open. "Come on, I think you need to wash the beer off you. I'll wash the witch dress thing, and you can wear my fuzzy red bathrobe until it's dry. Sound good?"
"Sounds great." Delphine laughed, beginning to undress in my living room before even getting to the bathroom. The dress landed at her feet in moments, a simple pair of panties all that stood between me and her naked body. I took in the constellations of moles, the pale creamy skin, then just as quickly Delphine had stripped her underwear onto the floor to join the dress.
"Umm, do you want me to like make us some popcorn while I wait?" I babbled awkwardly, not bothering to avert my eyes when Delphine stripped. She was perfect, my eyes took in her perfect ass, her long legs, her breasts… everything usually hidden from my eyes.
"Non."
"You're so beautiful." I couldn't stop myself from saying it, whether it was the pot I smoked or if I could blame it on the few sips of beer I had before declaring the beer below my standards and leaving it on the porch railing at Felix's.
"We've gotten very close, you and I." Delphine started carefully, "I… I care for you so much Cosima. I spend nearly all my time with you and I-"
"Just no…" I interrupted in terror, "Let's not talk about that. I'm gay, you're not… I get it. It's fine, Delphine. Just… you're my favourite person, I love spending time with you." I shrugged and smiled, hoping that it was enough, "Here, I'll go grab you my bathrobe."
"Come with me." Delphine told me decisively, but her shaking voice betrayed nervousness.
"Umm what?" Stunned I respond the only way I know how, careful to keep a respectful distance between a nude Delphine and my own body.
"Shower with me." Delphine clarified, "Is this… this is what you want, isn't it?"
"Delphine, if you just want… we could just like kiss or something..." I shook my head, as she led me towards my bathroom, pulling me in front of her, fingers loosening the cape enough that it fell off and landed somewhere near my toilet. Of course it was what I wanted, Delphine in my arms. Delphine in my bed. But I needed her to want me too. Was this that? Or was it something else?
She turned on the water, and stepped in, closing the curtain behind her, "Come here."
I undressed tentatively. Unhooking my bra, letting my own underwear hit the floor and stay there, but I waited. "Are you sure?" This was quite possibly the strangest seduction ever, and probably the worst idea ever. Who does this? I wondered.
"Non… but come here anyways." Delphine reached a lean hand out for me, pulling me into her, before closing the curtain around us. Closing us in a small world of warmth, and steam and water.
Her eyes dragged over my body once it was bare. Taking in my breasts, my hips, all the ways my body was different from those she's seen this way before. I was tempted briefly just to drop to my knees in front of her, to offer her that kind of pleasure, but that was not the way this would begin. No, I wanted it to be better than that.
"Why are we doing this?"
Delphine merely pulled me in, fingers smoothing across my cheek before kissing me deeply. Unable to help myself, I moaned into her mouth, pulling her body into full contact with mine. The slight smell of cheap beer did nothing to deter me. I found myself hauled in tighter, kissed more deeply as a tongue tempts my own into her mouth, the little noises she let out were too much. This was all too much. Good god the woman could kiss, I revelled in it, unable to help myself. How could I when Delphine's arms were wrapped around me?
I let my hand slide from grasping her hip, to the curls covering her sex; I moved to cup her and smile into our kiss at what I find.
"Is this okay?"
She silenced me with a kiss, encouraging me wordlessly.
Delphine was wet, and swollen. For me? Just because? Does it even matter? Delphine has to come, I can give her that much. My hand moved before I had time to even think, rubbing softly at first, before I parted her, to circle her clit. And all I could think was that I was touching her, giving it to her, and Delphine was letting me. Encouraging me with sounds, and words I could not understand. My movements were steady, firm without being rough and she was quivering and shaking and clutching at me. For a moment I was afraid she'd fall, but instead she came with a startled moan.
She finally sagged in my arms, my face buried in her neck. There was nothing more beautiful than that. Delphine coming against my hand, her sweet little cries drowned out by the spray of my shower. She let out a long exhale of breathe, and it's too much. Far too much.
"Oh…" I sobbed in response, unable to help myself, Delphine looked down at me, tears running down her cheeks, breathing heavily. It was over, this was it. Where Delphine would tell me she'd had too much to drink and needed to go home. Where she ignored this tomorrow when we have all our classes together. Where my heart breaks irreparably.
Instead, Delphine wordlessly straightened herself, turning off the water, reaching past me to grab a towel for herself, and then one for me. She towelled me off affectionately, and I gaped openly, unsure of what to say. I hesitated, unsure if I should offer comfort, more sex, or just talk with her now.
Instead, she bolted for the bedroom, and I followed, leaving my clothes behind on the bathroom floor. The apartment blissfully clear of roommates, at least there was that. Delphine had too many, it was probably part of the reason why she spent so much time here. International students usually ended up living in residence or student houses, I couldn't imagine living with so many people now.
Delphine let herself flop down on my bed, towel open and body exposed to me. Arms open and waiting for me. "Come here," she urged softly.
I moved over her, kissing her, stroking her hair, anything I could to reassure her. To take the uncertain expression from her face. "You're beautiful." I muttered, "So perfect. I'm so happy. You make me so happy."
Delphine merely smiled a teary smile, pulling me back in. It was not enough, I realized, Delphine needed more. She expected, or wanted, penetration. More of what she was used to. We moved together, I let my breasts press against her, her arms coming up to hold me to her. I was struck by a desire to bury my face between her legs, my favourite fantasy the last couple months, instead I acquiesced to her desires.
"Cosima…" Delphine's voice begged me, hips rocking up towards me, wet curls and slick flesh rubbing against my own flushed skin. I throbbed, with a whimper of my own. She reacted to me, gripping tighter, arousal heightened by mine. Her hands smoothed over the skin of my back, over and over again. In response, I reached down between us again, caressing her softly, careful of how sensitive she was now.
"You're so soft." Delphine moaned, "So gentle."
Another minute, and I was inside of her. Seared by her heat, I whimpered. Her legs wrapped around me, her hand cupping my cheek. She wanted this. At the very least, she wanted this tonight.
"Are you...okay?" I managed to whisper, thinking I should probably check in. Her body had its own answer, dripping wet sex yielding easily under my fingers.
Delphine nodded, murmuring back, "You're inside me." Disbelief? Desire? Sexuality confusion? I wasn't sure, and I couldn't care, delicately pushing in a third finger, watching the look that came over her face, the way her head tipped back briefly.
"I love you…" I moaned, instantly wincing at my own forwardness, Delphine's walls quivering around my fingers. I curled them gently, testing her before I adjusted to move more easily.
Delphine only pulled me back to her lips, kissing insistently. I kept the rest of my internal monologue to myself. I've loved her since that day last summer she'd politely corrected the prof on epigenetics. All summer long I'd loved her, longed for her. I let my body tell her instead, with kisses, with the tender thrusts of my hand, I already had her in my bed and yet I knew that this night must be a seduction. I thought that if I showed her that I could please her, that she can have this with me. And maybe, maybe there was the small possibility that this could work. At least until she left for France. Fuck, I already knew that would break me, but I refused to acknowledge it, I could lose myself in Delphine's body instead.
Her skin flushed, my fingers buried in her unbelievably. Her breath caught with each thrust, little noises flooding my own body with more arousal than I had thought possible.
"Oui…." She breathed, voice barely audible, "Comme ça…"
I watched her head tilt back and her mouth open, felt her begin to clutch at me and tighten, every muscle in her body tensing as she approached her peak. It was with a loud whimper, and a cry of my name that she climaxed again, aftershocks moving through her body. I moaned with her, planting open mouthed kisses on her exposed jawline, her neck. Every perfect beauty mark deserved a kiss, I decided, and I was very content to shower love on her body. Pleasing had its own sort of release, and though I clearly felt some residual tension in my own sex, I was content to ignore it in favour of Delphine.
Finally Delphine spoke, breathing still coming in laboured pants, "I've never been with a woman before."
"I know." I tell her gently, lips teasing at her shoulder, too reluctant to move, to disengage myself from her at all. Still inside her, my fingers reluctant to withdraw from her wet heat. A little afraid they would never feel it again.
"It's…different." Delphine said finally, blushing as she looked at me now.
"Umm yeah." I nodded, pulling out and moving to lie beside her. My mind spun rapidly trying to come to terms with my new reality, and figure out what this was. Delphine, buck naked and post-coital, on my bed. Holy shit. And what she said wasn't exactly a great response.
I observed her carefully, chest hitching with the last of her heavy breaths slowing. Skin tinged pink with exertion, slick with sweat, hair tousled. Perfect. For a few moments, Delphine was spent, and I couldn't help but smile at her.
"What do you want? How should I touch you?" Delphine offered, moving in close again, a delicate hand slipping down my sweaty body. Her nails, happily, short. I could let her, I waffled briefly.
I moved her hands off me, "No… no, it's okay." I reassured emotionally, pressing a kiss to her jaw, "Here, let me. Let me do everything."
"Cosima?"
"I'm going to take care of you." I promised, bringing her knuckles to my lips to kiss; I could still smell her on my fingers, and immediately brought them to my lips to taste. Should I do that now? Taste her while I still have the chance? Or should I give her a short break to recover. Would cunnilingus be pushing it? Make her feel like she has to reciprocate?
Delphine looked on at the sight, in disbelief or arousal, I couldn't be sure. I didn't stop sucking her taste from my fingers, unable to stop the groan that emerged from my mouth in response.
"Is that what you like?" Delphine moves closer to me, scooting forward in the dim light coming in from the street lamps outside. I finally heard the noise of my neighbours. Someone was blasting 'The Monster Mash', kids running and hollering down the street.
I reluctantly pull my fingers from my mouth, "What?"
"You want me to put my mouth on you?" Delphine propped herself up on her side, leaning over me, letting one hand gently caress my body, barely making contact.
Dumbstruck I wasn't sure how to respond. Delphine, in my bed, casually offering me oral sex. This wasn't something that was actually supposed to happen.
Delphine slid over me, straddling my waist so I could still feel her heat. "Or… do you want me to touch you? Put my fingers inside you?"
My hands reached for her hips without thinking, sitting up to kiss her again, trying to convey my deep seated feelings wordlessly. She returned the kiss, deepening it until I sucked on her tongue and she moaned again, squirming on my lap.
I was again compelled to check in, "Are you okay?"
"Yes...yes…" Delphine insisted breathily, forcing me back against the mattress while she began kissing down my neck to my breasts. But as the open-mouthed, slow kisses moved lower I tensed.
"Slow down…" I managed finally, trying to quell the panic I felt at the thought of Delphine trying to go down on me. "Just… slow down." There was only one thought in my mind; she'll hate it, total disaster.
"Okay," Delphine agreed, stopping her mouth just short of my navel, "Did I do something wrong?" Her brow furrowed in that cute irresistible way and I longed to kiss away the crease. Too much? I wondered… would it be too much tenderness?
"Here…" I pulled her up to me again, adjusting my legs until she slides one thigh between my own.
Delphine whimpers, "Cosima…" My dripping cunt pressed tightly against her bare skin, she could feel everything, I knew. It didn't seem like fear, she was nervous absolutely, but it wasn't fear in her voice… She rocked forward, instinctively.
"Oh yes… do that." I affirmed, rocking my hips up, trying to press tightly against her skin. We rocked together for what seemed like ages. Where I could kiss her lips, bite and suck at her neck, feel her hot breath on me. I knew I was marking her, but I didn't care.
"Just this?" Delphine breathed, looking down at me tenderly.
"It's easy… I promise. You don't need to do much." I told her in breaths catching with our movements, my body's reaction to our building friction. I could have come like this, given enough time and the added stimulation that it was Delphine on top of me.
"Do you think I don't want to touch you?" Delphine crooned at me, suddenly concerned, stopping her movements.
"Delphine…"
"T'es belle aussi, Cosima." Delphine whispered gently moving back so she could support her own weight, "Ton corps est beau, ton peau doux…" She continues murmuring at me in French, reaching her hand down between us, barely pausing at the dark curls above my sex.
It's gentle and hesitant that her fingers find the lips of my sex, probing, barely grazing the surface, before moving to my clit. The same tender, questioning, treatment of it.
Unable to help myself, I cried out loudly, startlingly Delphine with the sound.
"What is it?" Delphine looked down at me, keeping her fingers moving softly, as if she wasn't quite sure to make of it. As if a vulva was such a mystery. I giggled slightly.
"Inside me…" I spoke finally, hips twitching under Delphine's explorations. "Just… get inside me."
Delphine moaned, entering me easily with two fingers, tentatively thrusting into me, looking at me with teary eyes, "Comme ça?"
"Yeah." I whispered back, trying my best to help her. Make this as easy for her as possible.
"Je veux te plaire…" Delphine breathed so softly, "J'ai envie de toi…"
I wasn't sure what she was saying, but damn it sounded good, I moaned anyway and mumbled as few instructions as I dared. She was new, a little clumsy, but so dedicated, kept moving into me even when I was sure her fingers were sore, and I knew my inner muscles were clinging to her, close enough, if she had known what she was doing. I decided to relieve her, to help her in any way I could, but wasn't willing to allow her fingers to slip out of me just yet. It wasn't terrible, especially when she kissed me, or let me stare into her hazel eyes, feeling her breath on my face.
I moved one hand between us, to her surprise.
"What's wrong?"
"Just…" I stopped myself, unsure of what I was really asking for. Instead, I grabbed her hand, forcing her palm into direct contact with my clit. It wouldn't take much, as worked up as I already was. Guiding her until my eyes clenched shut as I finally came hard, months of unresolved tension behind me as I cried out, "Delphine."
"Open your eyes…" Delphine insisted, trying to change my mind, but my eyes stayed firmly shut despite a gentle hand on my face. I shuddered in a dark world of breath and sheets, and warmth until I too was spent.
Shit… I thought. I wasn't going to say her name. It's too much. Way too much. Cautiously I let my eyes open again, Delphine pulling out of me, wet fingers pressing against my hip as she pressed close. Just yesterday, we'd been pressed shoulder to shoulder on my futon, laughing over some stupid movie. Would she run? Would that be gone forever for a night of this?
Delphine looked down at me, worried, "Was it bad?"
"No, no… it was fine." I tried to comfort her, stroking her hair. It hadn't been perfect, I wasn't going to lie to her.
"But.. I want you to… I needed you to…"
"I did come." I muttered, "And I did enjoy it, honestly, you felt really good." Delphine had certainly been enthusiastic.
"But not enough…" Delphine surmised, pulling me into her arms the same. She sighed and it seemed far too disappointed.
What the fuck was this anyways I wondered. Was this girlfriend territory? Or night of passion we'd fake-forget about? I had never envisioned Delphine being awkward at sex, thought that somehow the graceful, brilliant creature that she was, she'd be amazing at it. Or rather, I envisioned fucking her, but rarely the opposite. Was there some sort of discomfort with sex in general? The whole seduction, if I could even call it that, seemed weird. I mean, who stripped down in their best friend's living room and asked them to come shower with them? Wasn't there supposed to be nervous clothed kissing? Or excessive alcohol consumption first? Some kind of build-up or foreplay? Though, to a straight woman... I mused quietly to myself in Delphine's embrace.
Instead I said, "Are you even good at sex with boys?" Immediately, I regretted it. Where the fuck was my filter? Why had I said that?
Delphine is quiet for a long time before finally she responds. "Non… but they do not care."
"So as long as they get to stick it in you…" I trailed off, "Fuck. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked that…"
"No. You shouldn't have," Delphine lets me go, pushing herself up in my bed, "Do you want me to go?"
"I'm sorry… I … that was shitty of me." I sighed, trying to save the situation, "I… I really enjoyed tonight… whatever happens tomorrow. Please stay. I have spooky movies picked out… if you want to watch something or..."
Delphine shook her head, allowing herself to crash back onto the mattress. "I just want to stay here."
I responded instantly, "Yeah. Of course." I wrapped her in my arms then, kissing her shoulder, her cheek, the darkening marks on her neck.
I fucked it up. I had so fucked this up.
In a panic, I spat out the first words that came to mind. "So, do you want me to tell you about vampire lore cross-culturally?"
An alarm buzzed next to my bed, I felt it shift as someone else's arm reached to silence it.
"Mmm." Delphine hummed sleepily, tucking herself back in beside me.
No. I had already decided on not opening my eyes. I could tell that the sun was up, that warm skin was brushing mine. That everything reeked of sex, and Delphine.
I felt the bed shift, I could tell that she was propped up, probably hovering over me. Lips landed on my forehead, and then my nose, a quick nuzzle later, my eyes were still shut.
"Why are your eyes closed?" Delphine asked finally, "Do you…do you not want to look at me?"
"Of course not. Just afraid I guess." I let my eyes open, blinking until I could see Delphine clearly, right in front of me, wrapped naked around me.
"Of what?"
"Of you leaving. Telling me this was a terrible mistake. How much you like penis…" I chuckled awkwardly, "I've… I've had straight girls before. And it's always such a mess. And I don't want that with you. I like you too much Delphine…" I avoided my words from the previous night. The three word slip that could cost me everything.
Delphine played absently with my hand, regarding me cautiously. "You know that I didn't like sex that much?"
"Umm no. I didn't." I struggled to respond to this. Not liking sex, that would explain the lack of talk about boyfriends and sex for the most part. I had already known I could count on one hand the instances Delphine had spoken about either subject. Doesn't like it. Then why…
"For me," Delphine began tentatively, "Sex is…was just a physical thing. It was okay, but I didn't feel things like I did with you. " Her hand reaches out to clasp my shoulder.
"So, you liked it?"
"Very much." Delphine answered with a brief kiss, teasing my bottom lip with her teeth. "It was emotional with you. Connected." She gently pushed her nose against my own, nuzzling me again until I giggled.
"I love you." I let myself say simply, brushing her hair back from her face with my hand. Those gorgeous curls I adored so much. I had already put it out there anyway, might as well own it in the light of day.
"Cosima, I have been trying," Delphine cut herself off laughing, "to get you to seduce me since August."
All the cozy nights, her hand on mine, her overly friendly French mannerisms. I could remember so many days Delphine leaned in, hands casually touching me in what I assumed was a very francophone way. If she'd been an anglophone, I probably would have taken the hint. But she'd always had less of a personal space boundary when talking to people than any English speaker I'd ever met. It had convinced far too many men of a non-existent interest. She's just French, that is what I had been telling myself.
"Why not just initiate yourself?" I threw back, stunned. There were so many moments Delphine could have just leaned over and kissed me,or grabbed me or something. She'd slept over here, a handful of times, and nothing but falling asleep on my couch had occurred. Would I have gone for it? Probably.
"I never had to before," Delphine shrugged, "Men always did that part for me."
I blinked, "Okay, well that's kind of creepy and sexist and involves mental pictures I'd totally rather forget, but we're going to go with it."
"I wasn't sure what you wanted… I did some reading but…" Delphine trailed off shaking her head, "I wanted you to show me."
"Well… I can do that." I volunteered stretching with a salacious grin quickly spreading across my face.
"I'll get better at it." Delphine promised seriously, "I can learn."
"Oh," I interrupted with a long kiss, "You will be just fine. You're attentive. Enthusiastic. Beautiful…"
She blushed, and my heart leapt.
"No more random girls? No more hook-ups?" Delphine asked carefully, looking me over as if she could determine what I've been up to in the few hours we've been apart since summer.
"Nope. I'm a one-woman woman, totally." I laughed, kissing her again, "I haven't … like since we've met I've been completely attached to you…like there seriously wasn't time."
"Je t'aime aussi." Delphine offered, reading me accurately, wrapping her long arms around me.
I swooned uselessly, leaning down to kiss her again. "So happy. So so happy." I emphasized as much as I could. I let myself forget about the deadline, that Delphine would be going back to France at the end of April. I let myself forget all about the months of pining and idiotically missing Delphine's signals. And to forget about Shay, and Ben and even Felix.
There was only Delphine, happily-not-as-straight-as-expected Delphine. Labels could wait until later, except one, I intended on using right away. Girlfriend.
As my lips began to trail down her body, I let my own weight shift backwards. She caught me briefly, arms straining to keep my lips and face close enough to kiss. I indulged her for a few more heated kisses before working my way down once more.
"What are you doing?" Delphine asked me softly, fingers now playing with my dreads, skimming against my bare skin.
"Exactly what I want to." I mumbled into her skin, moving lower until I'm teasing at her breast.
"This?" Delphine teased me back, "Don't you want me to touch you? To please you?" She might as well have added 'I need the practice.'
"Later," I insisted, "Now… I want your cunt in my mouth." I tried to make the words as sexy and seductive as possible.
Whether it was the vulgarity, or the look on my face, I felt Delphine shudder under me. "Oh."
"Yeah." I didn't bother elaborating that this was exactly my fantasy. I already knew how she tasted, and I wanted more. To lap it from her dripping core, to tease and taste until she came undone underneath my mouth. She let me descend, hands always on my hair, or my shoulders. I spread her with my hands, holding her hips steady, holding her open to me. Near-instantly, I buried my face in her, nose pressing into curls, mouth to cunt.
I teased her opening with my tongue, working the muscle into her just enough to make her squirm, make her cry out. To convince her she wanted this as much as I did. This was what I wanted. Exactly this.
"Cosima…" My name in a low accented whine. The jerk of her hips when my tongue grazed her engorged clit, teasing the swelling bud. My lips closing around her, constantly watching her body's reactions, learning how to please her like this. The startling realization that I was the first woman to do this to Delphine, to love her this way, and quite possibly the only person to do it right.
"Oui…. oui…. oui…." Little breaths of words, nothing coherent following, Delphine moaning, and tensing and finally collapsing, boneless and sensitive underneath me, bathing my tongue in evidence of her passion.
"Yes." I murmured back as soon as I caught my breath, lifting myself up just enough to lay myself down on her, using her body as a human pillow as I nuzzled back into her neck. "Yes. Yes. Yes."
"Perfect." Delphine stroked my hair, my face, running a delicate fingertip across my lips, "This is so perfect."
A few hours later I sat on a bench on campus, a styrofoam cup of tea in my hand, sipping contentedly. I let my eyes close in blissful reminiscing, Delphine, all the ways I'd had Delphine in the last day. Her class would be letting out soon enough, and assuming she was ready, my plan was dinner, followed by more enthusiastic sex.
"I set it up for you. An easy lay… and you just disappeared." Felix huffed at me, sitting down next to me on the bench.
"Well…" I gestured out an exaggerated shrug, "I had somewhere else to be."
"Yeah… With Delphine. Pining." Felix emphasized, "Anyway I have this friend. You'd like her. Bi. Lots of tats. Fun…"
"I don't need a set-up." I shook my head, unable to stop laughing, "I'm good."
"You need to fuck someone." Felix emphasized, "You're like obsessed with Delphine. This isn't healthy… it's creepy. And yeah she's attractive, but she's fucking straight Cos. Just picture her sucking cock, and get over it."
"Umm…" I laughed awkwardly, "Felix, it's fine… we've worked it out."
"Worked what out?" He shot back condescendingly, "Oh, hey, Delphine, I know you're straight and all, but by the way, I've been dying to eat you out on my living room floor after class… and then maybe you can move in and we'll adopt a rescue cat."
I snorted aloud, easily picturing my morning, "Felix… just like chill."
"No here you are, in a building you don't' even have class in, waiting for her like some kind of-" He's cut off by a door swinging open and a steady stream of students emerging from a class.
"Bonjour ma chérie," Delphine called cheerfully as she emerged from her class. "Felix." She briefly acknowledged his presence.
Felix rolled his eyes, "Delphine."
"So are you ready?" Delphine cooed at me, bending down to kiss me brazenly in the middle of the hallway.
Delighted, I kissed back, not caring that the slapping sound I heard was Felix whacking himself in the face rather than watch, or that this was Delphine's first girl-on-girl PDA ever, I drew her in again.
"What the fuck?" Felix shook his head, looking between us, "What the hell went on last night? Did one of you turn into some kind of undeniable sex demon?"
"That," Delphine stated very seriously, "Is exactly what happened."
"Yeah," I played along but was unable to keep a straight face, "At midnight, on Halloween, Delphine here turns into an insatiable sex demon…" I laughed, unable to keep from cracking myself up.
"Jesus Bloody Christ." Felix mumbled as he walked away, "Geek monkey and the French chick…"
"So.. dinner?" Delphine offered, pulling me up to my feet, hand instantly weaving its fingers with my own.
"I'd love to…" I beamed happily, allowing Delphine to lead me from the building, away from the crowds. I had always liked it best when it was just the two of us anyways.