I recommend watching both Code Geass: Lelouch of the Rebellion R1 and R2 before you read this.
Disclaimer: I obviously do not own the brilliance that is known as Code Geass.
Violet Sorrow
"Ne, Lulu…"
There is something different about him. He appears exactly the same—exceptionally handsome, with deep violet orbs and a slender build—but despite the lack of awareness the others seem to possess, he is not Lulu.
He smiles kindly. His slight smile touches the edge of his cheeks and reaches his eyes, giving her his full attention. He is not absently thinking of something, and she finds that strange.
"No, it's nothing," she changes her mind and walks away, waving to him as he continues to smile at her.
There is no mistake about it—he is not the Lulu she knows.
Shirley walks into the school library the next day, clutching her textbooks tightly for fear that it will slip from her grasp and crash into the floor. Finding an empty table, she gently shifts her books onto the table and pulls the chair from it. She is about to sit into it and study the entire day away when she sees him.
Resisting the urge to giggle, she softly tiptoes to him and quickly hides behind a shelf when she sees him whispering to his younger brother, Rolo.
"Yes, I'll see you later!" Rolo yells with a big grin, running to the door in the opposite direction of her.
She waits until his footsteps could no longer be heard, and she emerges from the bookshelf slowly until she hears the library doors close.
"Lulu!" She exclaims. She is not confused when he turns around with a slightly guilty expression.
It is rare for him to be taken off guard.
"Shirley," he casually calls her name and shifts his position. He drapes his long limbs, leaning forward and conceals what lies beyond him with his strategically placed hand on the shelf, effectively blocking her from walking past him. "Are you here to study?"
She nods, despite noticing the secretive manner radiating off from him. He had been acting suspiciously for quite a while. "Yes. What are you doing here?" She tilts her head and tries to subtly crane her head to see past him, only for his skinny shoulder to block her.
"Rolo called me here for a chat," he answers, and she cannot help feeling that he was lying.
Biting her lip, she makes up her mind to uncover what he had been hiding from her and walks toward him, fully intending to walk past him when he grabs her wrist and—
—he kisses her on the lips.
At first, she had been happy. Ecstatic. Bursting with joy. She rolled on her bed, clutching her pillow while she giggled and laughed, and sighed and called his name—"Lulu, Lulu, I love you" — when she remembers the reason why he had kissed her.
He had merely been preventing her from walking past him.
He had been certainly been acting strangely, and his behavior had been quite suspicious; however…if he hadn't just kissed her, if only he had not resorted to such desperate measures, she would have not felt the need to confront him.
She is no longer happy.
Dates.
She had been taking a peaceful walk in the backyard of the academy, finding solace with the blooming flowers when she overhears the conversation between two giggling classmates.
"Lelouch agreed to have ice cream with me!" One exclaims, holding her hand to her blushing face.
Shirley pauses in the middle of a step and almost trips, but manages to balance herself and prevents falling over.
"Lelouch says he would be delighted to visit the zoo with me!" The other screams, and the two girls hold onto each other's hands before proceeding to jump up and down with squeals that could puncture a human being's eardrums.
Shirley clenches her fist closed with such force that she feels her nails are practically puncturing the surface of her skin, and repeats to herself to continue breathing and walk away before she loses her mind.
Shirley waits in the halls of Lelouch's dorms, checking her watch from time to time. It is almost midnight, and she squeezes her eyes shut to prevent any trace of her tears from escaping.
She will not cry in front of him. She may allow herself to cry because of him, but only when she is alone.
She would rather cry in front of anyone else besides him.
She had told herself not to jump to conclusions. Surely, he must have a reason for his drastically different behavior. He is not the type of person who would remotely be likened to the person he was behaving like.
He is loyal to the people who are important to him, and he is not a fickle person, and that is all there is to it.
She hears the door close from the building's entrance, and he walks in with that sickening charming smile that he had when she saw him leave with a girl for the movies and now he is with a different girl who is clinging onto his arm and he is not taking any action to remove her arm and Shirley is unable to think, and—
"Oh. Are your dates not finished, Lulu?" She barely manages to ask with a choked voice and a bitter smile, and she instantly feels guilty. She had spent the majority of her waiting time telling herself not to jump to conclusions, and now she is the reason for the sad look in her beloved Lulu's eyes.
"Yeah," he answers simply, walking past her without looking at her once.
She swallows, attempting to force away her tears when she hears a new voice.
"Lelouch! It's time for your date with me. You didn't forget that we're going to watch fireworks, together, right?"
Shirley does not want to hear his answer. She sprints to the door, not pausing for a second until she reaches her room. She instantly dives into her bed, slipping into the comfort of her blankets with hot tears running down her cheeks.
She knows him. She is aware that he is not the type of person to chase after someone, regardless of the situation.
That is how she knows that the old Lulu is still there. She had an inkling that the friendly, too-nice-to-everyone Lelouch would have chased after her, but she would have pushed him away and continued to run away. That person is not Lulu.
The person unwilling to chase after someone is, indeed, Lulu.
And she cries silently, cursing herself for falling in love with such a person.
She hadn't meant to corner him the next week.
In fact, she had been avoiding him quite successfully. As long as she had a glimpse of those familiar violet eyes, she would turn in the opposite direction and quickly walk away.
However, she throws reason to the wind when she almost falls down the stairs. His arms grab her waist tightly and they tumble down the stairs together. He takes most of the damage, using his body to protect her and wraps his arms around her, not loosening his grip for a second.
When she opens her eyes, he is staring down at her with concerned eyes, his eyebrows knitted together.
"Lu…Lulu?" She stammers out and unconsciously reaches her hand out to him, shaking slightly as she rapidly blinks.
"Shirley! Are you hurt anywhere?" He asks in almost a panicked manner, as if he had been restraining from himself from saying any more. He takes her hand and holds it firmly.
She shakes her head and squeezes his hand with a smile. "No, I'm fine. Thank you…for protecting me."
His eyes soften for a moment as he gazes at her, almost as if he was confirming if she was truly as unscathed as she claimed she was before he allows the smallest of a relieved smile on his face.
She wonders to herself if this is the time to question him. She blinks slowly, lost in her thoughts as she remembers the behavior he had recently exhibited. He appears as the perfect prince charming during his multiple dates, with a perfectly plastered smile on his face and allowing girls to touch him freely.
Shirley had never had the chance to hug him. He is not the type of person who is comfortable with such close proximity, and so she had never initiated a hug to prevent making him feel uncomfortable with physical contact.
But still…she is jealous. She knows that he holds no real feelings of affection towards the girls, but she still wishes that she could pretend that he was her boyfriend for even one day. She feels pathetic for such a petty wish, and inwardly shakes her head to clear out her thoughts. Despite her suspicions, she decides to trust him, because she knows that he does not need another person to mistrust him. Not another person.
He had been hurt so many times, past the point of repair. Ever since she first saw his violet eyes, she could tell there was an immeasurable depth of sadness hidden within them.
He is kind. Strong. Intelligent. Admirable.
He is merely Lulu to her, and she loves him, and she will always love him.
She wonders to herself if she is worth of any importance to him. She hadn't expected for him to protect her, despite his unwavering kindness. She does not feel worthy enough for that to be true, but…when she had fallen in love with him, she witnessed his silent display of action in which he helped a complete stranger with a bored, indifferent expression without expecting any gratitude. Of course he would be willing to help her. Just like his sadness, his kindness was immeasurable.
"Are you back?" She poses the question almost like a test, smiling in satisfaction when she sees his baffled expression. She does not need to know the reason for his behavior if he does not wish to explain it to her. "You've been acting like a different person, but…you've returned, haven't you?" She offers him a smile, a smile that is reserved solely for him.
He had stiffened for a second, and peered at her with tentative eyes as he shifted his position before nodding.
"Welcome back, Lulu," she says, and the two sit together, content with the silence they exchanged with each other.
"I'll wait."
He looks back with her with another baffled expression, almost as if he was dealing with a puzzle that constantly shifts in form.
Shirley smiles up at him and repeats, "I'll wait. I'll wait for you, Lulu."
"Wait for me to…?" He stands up and extends his hand to her, gesturing to the stairs with his eyes. He intends to assist her up the stairs, but she shakes her head with a small laugh that sounds like music to his ears.
She stands up on her own and says, "I'll wait for you to genuinely fall in love with me."
She swims to clear her mind.
Ever since the stairs encounter, he seems to have returned to his former self. He has offered her more small smiles that disappear so quickly that she often finds herself believing that she had merely imagined it with her wild delusions, and scolds herself for conjuring up such fantasies that she cannot resist indulging in. More noticeably, his unwavering kindness had not been exaggerated on full display.
Giggling to herself as her face emerges from the water, she treads on water and decides she will bake him a cake. She ponders this decision for a while, knowing that his baking skills far exceed her own. Contemplating whether or not he would even try her cake, she leaves the pool and settles on walking around the city the next day until she finds something to give him.
She remembers.
Her memories had been erased by him, and they had been reverted into strangers. Her memories had been again tampered with by the King of Britannia, and she had false memories implanted into her brain until she had been in the city searching for a present.
Lulu is Zero, the leader of the Black Knights.
Lulu had killed her father.
She had shot a woman to protect Lulu.
She had almost killed him with shaking hands that held tightly onto a gun.
And despite all the events that had occurred, she found herself falling in love with him all over again.
Shirley is certain that Suzaku will eventually forgive Lulu.
"You just don't want to forgive him, Suzaku," she tells him with a determined gaze, penetrating the inner thoughts of the young man. She looks away from his emerald eyes and gazes up at the peaceful sky and the scattered clouds.
"I forgave Lulu already, you see," she confesses and walks away with a mysterious smile, feeling no desire to clarify her statement.
His loneliness and sadness are unimaginable.
He must be all alone, concealing his identity in order to fight a battle with powerful beings. He had already lost his parents, his home, his best friend, and the most important person in his life…his younger sister, Nunnally.
Shirley had once been told that she is attracted to sad things.
She is attracted to sadness, and he is the epitome of sadness.
His sorrow had been crushed and repeatedly disregarded as useless, but it somehow always found its way back to him.
He lives a lie, and everyone and everything around him is a lie.
She does not regret running into the building to find him.
Even if she is currently dying and lying in a growing crimson pool of her blood, she has no regrets.
Had she not supposed to mention Nunnally? She could tell Rolo had meant it when he said he was on Lelouch's team, but once she mentioned the girl with the golden locks, he had stabbed her.
She awaits her time, regretful she couldn't see Lulu one last time, or tell her mother that she loves her and appreciates everything that she has done, and that she loves her, but…it's fine, because even without words, the two most important people in her life must know about her feelings.
"Sh-Shirley?"
She turns her head slowly at the familiar voice and smiles, thankful that she is able to see him one last time.
"Lulu…" she murmurs softly and reaches for him with her shaking hand.
He runs up to her and quickly snatches her hand with his own shaking hands, and she feels so sorry—for leaving him when she had wanted to always be by his side, for not being able to make him smile, for being the reason for his tears.
It had never supposed to be her who caused his pain.
"I'm relieved that I could see you…" she whispers, using all her remaining strength to squeeze his hand in a hopeful attempt to comfort him.
"Don't speak!" He commands in a clipped voice. He takes out his phone and does not pause to breathe. "I'll call for help, and you'll be safe, you'll be fine—"
She shakes her head and covers his hand and the phone with her own bloody hands. She wants to apologize for the blood stains and almost laughs at herself for wanting to offer to wash his clothes. She obviously cannot do anything like that anymore. "Don't…"
She sees him reluctantly releasing his grip on the phone, and she can feel that she is running out of time.
"Lulu, I…I wanted to be the only honest part of your life. While everything around you is an illusion, a lie…I—" she laughs a little and looks down at the sight of their entwined hands. Her dream is finally coming true, and she is dying. "I love you. I love you, Lulu. And I will always love you."
He had been at a loss for words, and she could tell he hadn't an idea of what to do; his hands are shaking and he is crying, and she could not muster up the energy to prop herself up and wipe away his tears when she is the reason for his tears, and she is so, so sorry to do something so cruel to such a kind person.
"I love you, Lulu," she repeats, and she feels so relieved to finally being able to confess and tell him. She has no regrets left, and she knows that her mother will eventually be fine, and she hopes that her mother will not join her deceased and soon-to-be-deceased family for a very long time. She is regretful she could not see her, but she knows that she should not be selfish and wish to see another person at her time of death.
"Tell Nunnally…that I hope she is always smiling…and she'll be able to see again…and I'm sure…her eyes must be a beautiful color," Shirley says slowly with a contented smile on her face, and she has to try so hard not to close her eyes because she would not be able to speak to Lulu ever again. She sees the glimpse of recognition enter his glassy eyes that are filling with tears no matter how much he blinks, but she knows she cannot stop speaking for fear of never being able to tell him anything ever again.
He is crying, and his heart is crying out for the pain to stop, for her to live, for her eyes to stop threatening to close, but she cannot compile to his wishes. She realizes she is also crying, but she can no longer lift her arm to wipe away her tears and appear strong for Lulu. "…Please tell Suzaku…that I know he will be able to one day…" She is intentionally vague, but she knows that Suzaku would be able to figure out the cryptic message. She feels relieved that she had spoken to him recently, and she can only hope he will not blame Lulu for her death. "I am so thankful that I had a chance to meet him…"
Lulu is using his Geass now; he is desperately telling her to live, and she feels a slight sensation, and her eyes widen at first but she knows it is futile; it is completely futile and she cannot live, not even for him.
"Tell Rolo…that he'll be fine…and I'm glad that he loves you so much…and if he ever feels guilty, I forgive him…" she manages to say, and the tears flow down her face. Truthfully, she would like to blame him, and she cannot help feeling slightly bitter towards the boy for making Lulu shed so many tears, but she knows that Lulu will be fine. Rolo would never intentionally make Lulu cry, and so she forgives him.
"Tell my mother…that my father and I…will always be watching her and I hope…for nothing but her happiness…and I…love her so much…"
It hurts to hold on, and she cannot hold onto Lulu's hand no matter how hard she tries. She is crying so much, and her heart is also crying; she wants to be the one by Lulu's side, and wipe away his tears, and be the only real thing in his life. She wants to fight with him and make his dreams come true, but…it is too late.
"No matter…how many times I am reborn, I will always…fall in love with you, over and over and I…"
Before her eyes close, she smiles and she uses the last of her strength to squeeze his hand. "I will always…love you…"
She feels her consciousness slip away, and he is calling her name so desperately, and he is holding onto her body, but she cannot keep her eyes from closing…
And maybe she had been attracted to sad things from the start.
Maybe she had fallen in love with him because he had been hiding such sadness behind his beautiful eyes, and maybe she had fallen in love with his kindness before she realized it. Maybe she had been selfish and wanted to be by his side to protect his happiness, and maybe she had been stupid for chasing after a futile love.
And maybe she couldn't make him fall in love with her even though she had told him that she would wait until he did, and maybe he would have never fallen in love with her, but she wanted nothing but his happiness, and even if she couldn't have been by his side, she would have been the happiest girl in the world if he had smiled.