Chapter One
On a sizzling summer morning in the small mountainous town of South Park, Colorado, Stan Marsh readied himself for yet another monotonous game of baseball. He dreaded the summer months and resented being forced to spend his summer holidays in the dugouts.
"Goddamnit!" Stan sighed with exasperation and fumbled with the buttons on his uniform. "This again. Why can't we just lose and get it over with? Why do we have to be so good at this stupid game?" He anticipated a summer of travelling across the country to endure a game his parents and the other adults in town were more excited about than he was. Stan groaned when he dug his baseball mitt out of his closet and went down stairs for breakfast.
"I made breakfast!" His mom announced cheerfully.
He barely had the chance to start eating when he made eye contact with his older sister Shelly. She was glowering at him from across the table. He focused on his breakfast and tried not to look at her headgear.
"What are you looking at TURD?" She sprayed spit all over the table. Because she had braces Shelly produced more saliva and spat whenever she spoke. She slammed her fist into the table which sent the dishes rattling around.
"N-nothing." Stan murmured nervously to his food. He didn't dare look at her. He didn't want to give her an excuse to punch him. He didn't want to go to the game with a black eye that would give Cartman an excuse to rip on him for being a wuss.
"MOM!" Shelly screamed. "He's looking at my headgear!"
"You brother isn't looking at your headgear Shelly." Sharon snapped without disguising her annoyance. "Eat your breakfast."
Shelly went silent and her mood quickly changed from hostility bordering on bitter resentment to curiosity. "Where the hell is dad?"
"I don't know." Sharon sighed and began loading dishes into the sink. "But, he better be ready soon."
"Can I skip baseball?" Stan asked without thinking. He didn't understand why he had to do something he hated more than math.
"You can't skip baseball you're the pitcher!" Sharon snapped at him. Ignoring his protests she shooed him out the kitchen. "Go get ready, we have to go soon." Sharon re-directed her attention to the top of the stairs. "RANDY!"
The Marsh Family were about to leave when Randy – Stan's embarrassing alcoholic father – emerges from the master bedroom wearing an eighties purple jumpsuit with shoulder pads, parachute pants, black fingerless gloves and eighties pointed shoes. His hair was styled in a mullet and he spent a good two minutes chewing gum and blowing bubbles. A move that irritated Sharon. Along with his ridiculous costume he held in his hand a child's keytar. He was strumming the keys and playing a song. Badly. It sounded like fingernails on a chalk board.
Sharon watched him astounded. This was by far the stupidest thing Randy had ever done and he'd done a lot of stupid things in his time. "You're not wearing that to our son's little league game against Denver!"
"Aw!" Randy danced his way down the stairs. It was like Michael Jackson albeit a lot less graceful. "What's wrong with a little team spirit?" Ignoring their embarrassment Randy danced around his family. Sharon tried to punch him twice, but missed both times, a move which pissed her off.
"Don't I look cool?" Randy asked oblivious to anything else but himself. "Better than a cheerleader am I right?"
"What are you doing dad?" Shelly asked aghast. Everyone wondered why she hated her family. "I hate this family. I hate it!"
"RANDY!" Sharon tried to punch him again, but he managed a back flip – a skill no one thought he was capable of and he was out of range within a matter of seconds.
"Hey Stan?" Randy wiggled his pelvis at his son in a half-assed attempt to dance like Elvis Presley. He played a few notes out of tune on his keytar.
"What?" His father's behaviour pissed him off and they hadn't even left the house yet. He wished he didn't have to put up with his dad's shit at his little league game or any other public event. Cartman definitely had an excuse to rip on him. The little fat kid would never let him live this down. As if he didn't need another reason to hate baseball.
Randy danced around them and winked at Sharon. "Your mom said I'm a baaaad boy!"
Embarrassed. Stan hid his face in his arm. "Goddamn it dad! No!"
Aggravated, Sharon grabbed her husband by the keytar strap and dragged him towards the car. "RANDY!"
"What the hell dud?" Kyle asked as he looked out the spectator's seats where their parents had gathered to watch them play.
Stan's face turned bright red with embarrassment. He knew what they were all looking at. His father was in the spectator's seats dancing around his mom with a beer in each hand and the keytar slung over his back.
Stan exchanged glances with Cartman who was already struggling to suppress hysterical laughter. It didn't take long, but Cartman lost it.
"Ha-ha!" Cartman shouted between fits of laughter. "Stan's dad's a loser!"
"What's with the stupid costume?" Kenny mumbled through his hood.
Stan's eyes widened in fear. To make matters worse Wendy was in the audience to see him play. She'd come along to watch as she said she would. He wanted to crawl into a hole and die.
"Dude! Dude!" Cartman rolled around on the floor. He was inaudible and struggled to hold up his phone so he could film Randy in the spectator's seats as he danced around Sharon.
"Dude?" Kyle asked confused. "What's up with your dad?"
"This is the funniest thing I've seen in my life!" He would never let Stan live this down.
Their coach Stephen Stotch ushered them to their positions on the field. Stan took his position on the pitcher's mound and made the first throw. He hoped he could make the kid from the other team walk to first base. He shuddered at the thought of spending the summer playing baseball while his dad pranced around in his stupid costume. Cartman's hysteria had died down enough for him to take his position at home base.
Struggling to concentrate Stan threw the first pitch. The kid struck out. "Come on dude, swing the bat!" Stan shouted at him.
"Nuh uh!" The kid shakes his head. "I'm striking out."
"Goddamn it!" He mumbled bitterly under his breath as he threw the next one. The kid struck out again.
He could hear Randy's taunts from the pitcher's mound. He silently prayed for his dad to stop. Wendy was watching. Hadn't he been embarrassed enough?
"Hey batter, batter, batter, batter!" Randy called out to the other team. "Can't hit it! Can't hit it! Can't hit it!"
Stan looked over at his dad. He groaned as he threw the next pitch. The kid struck out and took his seat in the dugouts.
"Aw! Goddamn it!" Kyle could be heard yelling from third base.
"Hey lady, lady bug, who's a lady, lady bug?" Butters sang to his feet. He wasn't the only one who hated this game and wanted desperately for the season to end.
How could he concentrate on the game when his dad was being an idiot in the grandstand?
"Denver suck ass!" Randy shouted through the crowd. He danced around Sharon strumming keys on his keytar. She tries to get him to sit down and his unsuccessful. Instead she buries her face in her arm for the rest of the game.
"Will you sit down?" A Denver dad shouted at Randy.
Randy removes his keytar, drops it in Sharon's lap and challenges the man to fight. "I'm right here! What are you gonna do?"
The Denver dad was clearly pissed at Randy for disrupting the game. "You better shut up asshole!"
Trying his best to ignore the tension grandstand he threw the next pitch. The next kid struck out, but before Stand could throw the next one a familiar voice screamed at Randy in the grandstand.
The voice belonged to Batdad. He was an overweight Denver supporter who wore an equally stupid costume to his son's little league games. Stan recognised him and it was because his father fought Batdad three summers ago they got disqualified and didn't have to continue the season.
"Please get us disqualified?" Stan prayed silently.
"Why don't you go home South Park? You ain't got nothing on me!" Batdad screamed at Randy. Challenging Randy Batdad flexes his muscles and beats his chest like a gorilla. "Batdad feels no pain. Batdad feels no fear!"
A terrible smile forms on Randy's face. It was a side of his father Stan had never seen before. "Bring it on bitch!"
Before anyone knew what was happening Randy and Batdad were climbing over seats in a fit of masculine alcohol fuelled rage to get each other. Batdad threw the first punch and hit Randy in the stomach. After recovering from the blow and remembering his keytar climbs over seats to go get it.
Batdad took it as a sign of surrender and began to gloat. "Randy Marsh ain't got nothing on me! Batdad feels no pain! Batdad feels no fear!"
"Hey Batdad?" Randy with his back to Batdad strums a few notes on his keytar. This time when he played he was in tune unlike at the house. "Whattya say? Dance fight?"
"D-dance fight?" Batdad asked confused.
"Dance fight!" Randy shouted. Climbing over seats he was back at Batdad's level and danced around Batdad like he had done with his family hours earlier only this time he seemed to know what he was doing. Batdad tried throwing a few punches, but Randy back flipped, threw in a pirouette, twirled, jumped and even went to limbo between Batdad's legs before Batdad could grab his keytar strap. Randy played Michael Jackson's Thriller on his keytar and in doing so the instrument became a weapon. He sent large inflatable gumballs in Batdad's direction. He missed Batdad twice and the gumballs landed in the grandstand. "Do you feel no pain? Do you feel no fear?"
People ran screaming as Randy's next song produced sound waves that knocked Batdad off his feet and sent him flying through the crowd and falling from the railing where he landed on a bench that split in two on impact.
"Yeah!" Randy gloats. "Feel the pain Batdad!"
No one was playing the game anymore. They all watched Randy horrified and impressed. They all gathered to watch Randy and Batdad fight. There was no one left in the grandstands that were now filling up with bubblegum balloons.
Cartman appeared behind Stan. He was impressed with what he saw and had filmed the spectacular fight on his phone. "Since when did your dad get super powers?"
"I-I." He stammered. He didn't have an explanation for this. He'd seen his dad chewing gum a lot more recently, but he thought it was to disguise the smell of alcohol on his breath whenever the cops pulled him over for a DUI.
"What the fuck Randy?" Uncle Jimbo called out to his half brother. This wasn't like him at all. Batdad was down and out for the count, but Randy insisted on hitting him with sound waves while he was out and subsequently threw him around like a rag doll.
"Whoa dude!" Kyle watched as Randy shot inflatable gum at Batdad who was struggling to get up after regaining consciousness. He exchanged glances with Stan. "Your dad seems really angry."
"I-I, I don't get it."
Umpires rushed passed them to break up the fight. They had a strict no fighting policy. "Break it up!" The umpires screamed at Randy and Batdad. "Break it up. The next parent to fight gets his team disqualified.
"DISQUALIFIED!" The boys shouted simultaneously.
"Fight!" Stan shouted at Randy. He was happy to encourage his father if it meant he didn't have to play this stupid game all summer. "Give him hell dad!"
"Hit him with another sound wave!" Kenny shouted through his hood.
"Throw in some more gumballs!" Cartman added. He held his phone up with excited anticipation. "Finish him!"
Randy approached Batdad with all guns blazing and played another rock solo on his keytar. This time it was Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen. He fired more gumballs at Batdad who scurried away from Randy like a frightened rat. For good measure Randy hit him with another sound wave that knocked him off his feet again. His eyes widened in fear as Randy delivered the final blow. Another sound wave that sent Batdad colliding with the railing and knocked him out cold.
The umpires were horrified. "That's it! That's it!" South Park is disqualified!"
The boys were too stunned to be happy about the fact that his dad had just won them their summer freedom. They couldn't comprehend what just happened.
"Ah dude?" Kyle tugged on the arm of his sleeve and pointed to the squad cars arriving on the scene. Chief Barbrady, Sergeant Yates, Mitch, Murphy and an entourage of other officers from the South Park Police Department emerged from their vehicles and poised their weapons at Randy.
Stan wondered what happened to Barbrady. He recalled the incident in which his father and Barbrady were Browing down for his job. His dad got Barbrady fired and the then former police chief was pissed at Randy for being an asshole. He also wondered what happened when the Mayor had summoned both Randy and Barbrady to her office after Barbrady put his dad in the dirt. Cartman filmed the fight on his phone and tagged him in the video on Facebook so he could watch it whenever he wanted.
Instead of obeying Barbrady's orders Randy angled his keytar at the police. He played three chords and shot bubblegum at them. Officers dived out of the way as gum engulfed two squad cars. Randy struck another chord and hit them with a sound wave that knocked them off their feet and sent two squad cars rolling until they collided with a nearby tree.
Barbrady glanced at the damage and the shifted his gage to Randy who still aimed his keytar at his fellow officers. "Stand down!" Barbrady shouted through a megaphone.
"Why don't you make me Officer Scrotumhead?" Randy shouted at Barbrady. He had little respect for the police chief and wondered what Mary saw in him.
Barbrady exchanged glances with his best friend Sergeant Yates. This wasn't the weirdest thing he'd ever seen since becoming an officer, nothing surprised him anymore.
"Roll out the big guns." Yates ordered. When Officers Mitch and Murphy returned with the tank they angled the cannon at Randy.
"Jesus Christ!" Stan gasped with horror.
"This is sweet." Cartman exclaimed gleefully as he films the incident on his phone.
"You're under arrest!" Barbrady shouted at Randy. "Stand down!"
Randy slung the keytar on his back and offered his surrender. He cautiously approached the police and Barbrady tackled Randy to the ground. He confiscated Randy's keytar and had Randy in cuffs before he had the chance to resist.
He hated Randy. They used to be friends, but ever since the ads attacked and Randy joined the PC chapter in town he'd changed. He was just another power hungry asshole. He was still pissed off at Randy for getting him fired for a second time and if he could do it to him he wondered how long it would be before he turned on Mary.
As soon as her name crossed his mind he froze in fear. Assessing the carnage he knew what she would say and do. This would piss her off and although he loved her she wasn't pleasant company when she was enraged.
"Oh, camel poo! Mayor's gonna have my ass!" He kneed Randy in the groin for laughing and dragged him to his battered squad car. "You're coming down town."
"Holy shit dude!" It was already shaping up to be one of those times when they had to deal with the weird shit. Why couldn't they live in a normal city without this crap?