The Most Sensational, Inspirational...Harry Potter
Disclaimer - I own neither Harry Potter or the Muppets. I wrote this for the hubby...and I think I own him. Love you, honey!
Severus Snape emerged through the Veil, annoyance more clearly written on his face than normal.
"As if I do not have enough to do," Snape sneered, looking around where he had emerged.
Just after Harry Potter's seventeenth birthday, he and his guardian, Sirius Black, had left on a mysterious vacation. For some bizarre reason, the Marauder and his heir-apparent had chosen this peculiar destination for their holiday get-away. At the end of the Harry's sixth year at Hogwarts, Sirius had been offered the position of History of Magic position after Binns had moved on – something about puppets and music.
When Harry and Sirius had not returned two weeks later, as they had said they would, Remus Lupin – the first returning Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor in Hogwarts recent history – had gone to retrieve the missing duo.
Ten days later, Albus Dumbledore had sent Snape to retrieve the trio.
"Why should I, Albus?" Snape sneered. "So what? A school year without the werewolf, the idiot or the golden boy? It sounds like a perfect year."
Dumbledore had sighed. He would have thought that the time off Severus had "enjoyed" following the explosion in the lab that had kept him out for months would have improved the boy's attitude. Instead, it seemed as if he despised everyone and everything more than ever.
Just then, new Head girl Hermione Granger had stuck her head in. "Professor Dumbledore, Mrs. Weasley said...Oh, hello Professor Snape. Are you joining us at the Burrow? Since the House Elves have the day off..."
"Day off?" Snape said in surprise. "Those little buggers never take a day off."
Albus shrugged. "Ms. Granger convinced them that if they take one day off a year, it would inspire them to work harder the rest of the rest year."
Hermione's eyes lit with a nearly fanatical light. "It was Harry's idea. He said if you slowly introduce ideas to society, it seems less threatening to the masses. Kind of like Professor Lupin working here at Hogwarts shows that most werewolves are mere victims of violence who should not be held accountable for the crime against them if they are willing to take the necessary precautions."
"Yes, our new Head Boy is showing his leadership potential, isn't he?" Albus beamed.
"POTTER is Head Boy?" Snape snapped. "Why?"
"No one would listen to anyone else anyways, Professor, so it does make sense," Hermione shrugged.
"And maybe you will learn to attend all the staff meetings," Albus murmured. "Now will you join the rest of the staff at the Burrow for the meal Molly Weasley has arranged?"
Snape considered his options and decided that discretion was the better part of valor. "I fear you must give my regrets so I can retrieve our wayward professors and Head Boy."
"Hello," a voice cheerfully greeted Snape who looked down and tried not to let his surprise show on his face.
Kermit the Frog smiled up at the glowering man. "Are you one of Harry's friends?"
"You are a frog," Snape said slowly, shaking his head slightly at the sight of what he considered to be potions ingredients chatting with him.
"Kermit the Frog to be precise," Kermit said cheerfully. "Host of the Muppet Show."
"The Puppet Show?" Snape asked.
"Not Puppet, Muppet," Kermit smiled. "We're the Muppets. You came through the archway on purpose right? Nobody pushed you through it. The ones who get pushed through it tend to be a bit – well, off. So we just give them a seat in the theatre and they seem to calm down after that. Or fall asleep. I can't always tell which."
Snape glanced over his shoulder at the veil that swayed slightly in an unexplained breeze. He had wondered if someone had been trying to eliminate him when he had been escorted to the chamber. Only Dumbledore's twinkling eyes gave him any confidence as he stepped through. Now he wondered if the old goat had finally crossed that fine line dividing eccentricity from utter insanity.
Waving his hand over Kermit's head, then his arms, Snape's frown deepened before he asked, "Who is controlling you?"
"Now, Snivellous," Sirius drawled as he came down the stairs. "No unforgiveables are allowed in the Muppet Theater."
"Ah, there you are, Mutt," Snape sneered. "And I was not attempting to cast an imperious...but a puppet usually has a puppet master."
"You'd know all about having a puppet master," Sirius smirked. "But these are not puppets, they are Muppets," he explained before leaning closer. "Remus theorizes that the link between the theater and the magical world," Sirius gestured towards the veil, "makes things, well, different here."
"So, the wolf did find you?" Snape asked as he followed Sirius out of the room – the still moving veil was beginning to creep him out.
"Yup," Sirius drawled. "Not sure where he is at the moment, but Moony is here. We wanted to get the Muppets off to a good start. Opening night of a new season, don't you know? We'll head back as soon as they get started. So if you want to leave..."
"And let you forget where your responsibilities lay? I think not," Snape sneered. He was about to say something more when a pig in haute couture approached them.
"Siri? Dear?" the pig cooed. "You didn't come to watch me rehearse my song."
"Ah, Miss Piggy," Sirius said as he dramatically clutched his heart. "How can I watch you sing such a romantic song to Kermit and not feel my very soul shatter? You know what it does to me. Pray, do not wound me further."
Miss Piggy looked satisfied and strutted off.
"Honestly Black," Snape gasped. "A pig in high fashion gowns is a bit odd, even for you."
"Yeah, well, she is in love with Kermit and while she may flirt...Then again, I did get to meet Annie Sue."
"And what is this Annie Sue? A chicken?" Snape sneered.
"Please – any of the good looking chickens hang around Gonzo," Sirius shrugged before giving Snape an odd look. "You know, I have often wondered if the two of you are related."
"Related to who?" Gonzo asked as he walked past them carrying a bowling ball, some dynamite and jello mix. Looking Snape up and down, he focused on the nose. "You know, there is a resemblance there. But I don't think we're related. My hair is much more stylish, don't you think?"
Snape stared, slack-jawed, as Gonzo continued on his way. "Is he supposed to be serious?" the potions-master gaped.
"No, silly," a bright and chipper girl pig with curly blond hair said as she bounced by pointing at Sirius in a flirtatious manner. "He's Sirius, aren't you Sweetie?"
"Did someone call me?" a gruff voice asked causing Snape to stifle his groan from the old serious/ Sirius pun that Potter Sr. had been so fond of. But when Snape spun to snap at the intruder, he was forced to look up...and up.
He hadn't thought anyone was bigger than Hagrid, but it looked like he was wrong.
"No, Sweetums," Sirius said cheerfully. "Carry on."
The hulking mass of – what was that? – continued through the passageway carrying what looked like a piece of scenery.
"What was that?" Snape finally gasped.
"Not what, who," Sirius said as he winked at Annie Sue, who rushed off, blowing back a kiss. "Sweetums, well...he's a Hagrid met Dobby and had a baby – only he's a lot more normal."
"Normal?" Snape mouthed before he continued on with Sirius.
"Where are the other two desperados?" Snape drawled, trying desperately to maintain his self control.
Piano music could be heard as they entered a new room. Two pianos were positioned in such a manner that the pianists could face each other. Snape was mildly surprised to see Remus Lupin – Marauder, werewolf and teacher – enthusiastically pounding on the keys, matching the notes of the other player.
The shock for Snape was that the other pianist was a dog.
"Rowlf," Remus said enthusiastically, "try this one."
The dog listened to the tune Lupin was playing before he began to match him note for note.
"Hate to interrupt the concerto," Sirius grinned, "but it looks like we are being dragged back to reality."
"Reality?" Rowlf joked. "You live in castles, surround by magic, ghosts and things that go bump in the night. How is that real?"
"Real to us," Remus said as he completed his latest song with a dramatic flourish. Standing up, he shook Rowlf's hand and grinned. "Thanks – I haven't had this much fun in years. You'll have to come and visit us at Hogwarts."
"Don't you think a talking, piano playing dog would be odd for even Hogwarts?" Snape sneered.
"Compared to Trelawney anything is normal," Remus shrugged.
"Besides," Rowlf said as he began to play some Chopin, "if Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem can play at the castle, I can."
Snape frowned. He had heard of the hot new group, Dr. Teeth and the Magical Mayhem but – surely not...
"Do you mean to tell me," Snape queried. "That the hottest musical group in the Wizarding World is actually a bunch of puppets?"
"Muppets," Floyd drawled as he came through pulling Animal along by a chain. "We are not some thing, you know. We are artiste."
"Artiste! Artiste!" Animal howled before stopping cold. "No! Animal drummer! Drummer! Drummer!"
"He's the drummer," Sirius added as Floyd continued to pull the – well, whatever Animal is – until the pair was gone. Soon, the three Hogwarts' professors could hear jagged rock music pour out into the hallway. Snape was shocked to realize that the tune was one he had often heard from his students...
"It really is them," Snape said in shock.
"Well, they came through the cabinet last year, you remember the night of the big dance...oh, yeah," Sirius muttered. "Night of the big boom."
Snape stiffened, furious at being reminded of the night his lab exploded, when he was injured protecting an annoying student from an attack that was reportedly committed by Bellatrix Lestrange – not that the potions master could recall anything that happened until he woke weeks later in the hospital wing.
"Did someone say boom?" Crazy Harry popped up, his usual wild-eyed expression assuring that the Marauders acted quickly.
"Protego!"
Both Sirius and Remus had whipped out their wands and shouted their protective spells, shielding themselves and Snape from the sudden explosion.
As the dust settled, Kermit jauntily came into the hallway. Looking around at the last of the debris falling and the three wizards standing in a protective mode, the amphibian sighed.
"Harry?"
"Harry," both Marauders agreed before they looked at Snape.
"And we don't mean our Harry," Sirius sighed. "That was Crazy Harry."
"Wild hair and dangerous to my health? I see no difference," Snape sneered again.
"Cheerful sort," Kermit said through pursed lips, looking Snape up and down. "You'd get along great with Statler and Waldolf."
"I think that frog just insulted me," Snape growled as he gestured to the other men to keep moving.
"I know he just insulted you," Remus chuckled as they entered yet another room. "Harry, are you still in here?"
Seeing Snape whip out his wand and begin another protective spell, Sirius laughed.
"Now this is our Harry," he laughed, pointing up.
Above their heads, Harry Potter – hero of the wizarding world, defeater of Voldemort, quidditch phenomenon, new head boy and the bane of Severus Snape's life – standing on floating board as he painted a set, singing all the while. Two other Muppets, a tiny frog that reminded Snape of Kermit, and a creature of indeterminate origin, were on either side of the boy-who-lived. As if this was not strange enough, they were singing.
"Da-da-da-dum," two Muppets sang cheerfully.
"Mah-nah-mah-nah," Harry responded in a surprisingly robust voice.
The trio continued their song unabated for several minutes before Snape gave up.
"Mr. Potter," Snape drawled coldly. "You are due back at Hogwarts to assume your duties."
Harry looked down and waved at the men. "Professor, I will be back in time for classes. And quidditch practice doesn't start until almost a week later. I'll be good."
"And the Head Boy is needed back soon than that, Mr. Potter," Snape said ignoring the gasps of joy from the men on either side of him.
"Head Boy? You hear that Harry! The last time we had two Gryffindors as Head Boy and Girl was your parents!" Sirius crowed.
"Just as long as you don't fall for her," Remus teased.
Harry started to float down, pocketing his wand as he landed safely. "Puh-lease. Both of us are dating Weasleys – and I like all my parts in one place."
"How did you know?" Severus began before stopping himself. Of course it would be Ms. Granger. There had been no doubt of who would be Head Girl since first year.
"Can we at least stay long enough to meet the guest star?" Harry asked. "I've seen all of his movies and wanted to see if he is as funny as he is in "Dogma"."
Just then Kermit walked through with a tall man with an easy smile and a British accent.
"And this is Harry," the frog said cheerfully. "He's a big fan and wanted to meet you since he watched some of your movies.
"What is your favorite role, if I may ask?" the actor said with a warm smile.
"It's got to be Metatron in Dogma," Harry said, trying not to gush.
"I was sure a teenage boy would have preferred "Die Hard"," the man smiled again.
"Nah," Sirius grinned. "That would be my favorite."
"Since Harry is so much more mature than you," Remus sighed before looking oddly between Snape and the newcomer. "You know, in a certain light, you two look a bit alike."
Sirius snickered. "Only if Mr. Rickman had ticked off his make-up person."
Scooter ran through the room shouting, "Alan Rickman! Alan Rickman – fifteen minutes to curtain, Mr. Rickman."
Alan nodded before looking over at Kermit. "Last check I suppose. A pleasure to meet you all," he smiled politely at everyone. "Will I see you after the show?"
"I fear your fan club has responsibilities elsewhere," Snape drawled, fingering his wand through his pocket, even as he wondered if a quick spell would be needed to complete his mission.
Kermit let Scooter lead their guest away while he led the Hogwarts crowd back to the room with the veil.
"I hope we'll see you again soon," the frog said.
"I can assure you," Snape sneered, "the only way I will be seeing you again is if you are potion ingredients."
"What did you say?" Piggy roared as she stomped towards the group. "Did you just threaten my Kermie? HI-YAH!"
The other men winced in sympathy when Severus Snape discovered – much as Lucius Malfoy had before him – NEVER infuriate a pig in high heels who knows karate.
"Come on, Severus," Remus said in sympathy as he helped the hunched over man towards the veil. "I know where Poppy keeps the pain potions."
"OK," Sirius sighed, looking at Harry. "I guess we should get moving right along..."
Harry grinned at his godfather and the pair burst into song as the moved forward,
"Movin' right along.
Footloose and fancy-free.
Getting there is half the fun; come share it with me.
Moving right along.
We'll learn to share the load.
We don't need a map to keep this show on the road."
Kermit smiled as the group left and the veil once more calmed down. Nodding to Piggy he held out a hand to guide her from the room. "They would have made great Muppets, wouldn't they?"
"As long as they leave that Dracula wanna-be behind," Piggy sniffed, allowing Kermit to lead her out of the room. After all, she had a solo and they were doing an episode of Pigs in Space. "Unless he wants to guest in a Veterinarian's Hospital skit."
"Somehow, I think he would decline," Kermit nodded.
"Pity," Piggy said as the door shut behind them.
In the distance, the music swelled and the audience roared in approval. So no one was there to see a rat jump through and try to transform...and fail. Sirius' head leaned through.
"Yeah, Peter – we knew what you were planning. And there is an enchantment that only Harry knows the reversal for. So be smart and maybe Rizzo might find work for you. Bye-bye, Ratboy!"
Peter Pettigrew, aka Wormtail, sat down, his tail curved around him. The door started to creep open and Peter looked up expectantly, wondering if this Rizzo guy was coming. Instead, he saw an odd looking man in a chef outfit.
"Goody, goody," the Swedish Chef crowed. "Just what I needed, for my rat-tat-ooie!"
The panicked squeals that followed this announcement could be heard echoing throughout the theater and even through the veil, warming the souls of people everywhere...
Hope this meets with everyone's approval...