This little gem was inspired by a scene in Candlelit1's Shadow, and I just had to write it. They're probably a little OC in this, but I liked how it turned out.
Just a note: The conversation Leo is remembering is from an old writing exercise I did, where one of your characters gives advice to a cartoon character. That exercise will never see the light of day, but my character did have some surprisingly good advice for Leo on understanding Raphael.
Oh, and I have no idea who the girl is, or what happened to her. You can make up your own story.
I'm still debating about the title. "He Loves Too Much" won the coin toss, but the other option was "His Greatest Weakness." Anyone have a preference?
Disclaimer: I don't own them. But I can dream.
He Loves Too Much
"…I felt so guilty…"
Leo didn't know what had caused the whisper in his mind, echoing faintly as he stared after his brother. His insides twisted, and he felt sick and raw with worry. Master Splinter had ordered them all to leave Raph alone, and the lair had been eerily quiet as even Mikey obeyed the order to give their brother space.
"…I was jealous… He was in such agony…"
More whispers, the voice eerily familiar as he finally placed them, a distant, wiser self dispensing advice across the universes. He wracked his brain, trying to remember that too distant conversation. He wanted so badly to say something, to do something to help, but he was too afraid to say anything.
"… he can't help it…" The voice was a little stronger now as he struggled to remember every word. "…he hurts the most… anger is safer to show… he loves too deeply…"
"Be a brother."
The words were clear this time, falling into the sudden silence of his brain. He resisted the urge to jump, to turn around. It was almost as if he'd heard the older man speaking from behind him, but he knew he wasn't there. It was just a memory.
"Be a brother…"
Leo took a deep breath as the knowledge of what he could do, as little as it was, finally came to him, floating into him on a feeling of calm that he normally only felt during meditation.
Glancing around to see if anyone was watching him, and suddenly intensely grateful that they weren't as he had no idea if this would work or not, he started off in the direction his younger brother had gone –the dojo. Raphael had been spending a lot of time in there, training, practicing. As if he was trying to work through his pain with movement. When not in the dojo, he had been moving restlessly around the lair, or wandering around the sewers. Even at night in his room Leo could hear him moving, tossing in his bed or practicing quietly.
And he was there in the dojo now, silently working his way through a kata, concentration on his face. He didn't make any acknowledgement when Leo entered, no sign that he even realized his brother existed. He hadn't for days. It was one of the things that had them all so worried. They'd become so accustomed to the way Raph watched them, all the time, that the sudden absence of his attention was deafening. It hurt almost as much as the expression on his face when his walls slipped for a moment, and they could see that he was thinking about her.
Leo waited until he finished the kata before stepping forward, carefully putting himself directly in Raphael's path so that he would have to acknowledge him. Raphael started to move forward again, into another kata, and then stopped a few feet from Leo. He could see the dull surprise on his brother's face when he finally realized he was there. He had been like that even during morning training, only becoming aware of his surroundings during patrols, and it was a measure how worried they all were that Master Splinter had let him train on his own and not scolded him once for his inattention to his surroundings.
"Raphael." He said hesitantly, carefully turning his words over in his mind. He didn't want to push his brother away, and he knew it would be so easy, especially now, to say the wrong thing.
"Raph, I know I can't relate to what you're going through right now. I know that I can't fix it. But I can listen, if you want. I promise I won't say anything if you don't want me to. I won't judge."
Raphael stared mutely back at him, his face hard as stone and more terrifying than any monster Leo had ever faced. But he stood firm, not backing down, letting Raphael see his sincerity. Let him feel that he meant what he said. Letting his brother know that he wasn't going to condemn him for anything. That he had every right to his pain, and to whatever help from his family he was willing to accept.
And there it was, just for a brief moment, that flicker of pain in Raph's eyes that ruined the mask and let Leo see the agony his brother was in beneath the façade.
"You're hurting, bro." He stated softly. "Please. Let me help."
Raphael didn't answer.
Leo waited.
Finally, Raphael reached for his belt, and slowly pulled out his sais. He held them out from himself slightly, holding them loosely in his hands, in a sort of casual invitation. Leo was surprised for a moment, but nodded slightly, and drew his katanas. He took a moment to get into sparring position, his mind working rapidly. It wasn't quite the reaction he'd been hoping for, but it was far more than anyone had gotten out of Raph for days.
"…he fights through his emotions…" The voice whispered.
Warned, Leo parried instinctively, and felt metal clash as Raphael flung himself at him.
Leo didn't have time to think as he ducked, dodged, parried, thrust, lunged, and generally went on the offensive. At first Raphael went at him with a cold efficiency, utilizing everything they had ever learned, only allowing himself the strength and intensity that normally came with a sparring match. And then as they began to really get into it, with first one then the other pressing their advantage, Leo saw him change. The cold, heartless mask he'd been wearing began to slip, and the anger, the frustration began to show through as his blows took on more passion, desperation and helplessness flickering across his face and causing Leo to catch his breath in echoed pain as he found himself switching to an increasingly hard-pressed defensive.
"…it makes him more real."
Leo was gasping for breath, moving faster, more instinctively than he'd needed to in years to defend himself from the ferocious rain of blows that Raphael thrust at him. It was almost overwhelming, but he fought doggedly on, accepting the blows and kicks and even managing to get a hit or two of his own through Raphael's defense. But his brother didn't notice, and Leo could see the pain. The horrible, ravaging, raw pain that had been consuming his brother from the inside was finally starting to show in his face, in the way his body trembled with rage and fear as he attacked, and in the low primordial growl that grew in intensity until it became a deafening, agonized howl.
And then, somewhere between a few minutes later and an eternity of fierce combat with flying limbs and clanging metal, amidst the weakening, groaning gulps of air that were somehow even more painful to hear than the primordial scream that had stripped Raphael's throat raw and turned Leonardo's bones to jelly, he sensed something in his brother ease. He blinked, and nearly lost his arm for it, but the feeling grew stronger as Raph pressed his advantage, forcing his older brother back toward the wall again in a display of impassioned metalwork that seemed to make the air glow between them.
Somewhere, Raph found the air for one last heartrending roar.
Leo stumbled, ducking quickly as he felt something fly by him a quarter inch from his head, and then twisted to avoid the blow sure to follow.
But felt nothing.
He stopped, breathing great gulps of air and sliding his swords back into their sheaths when he saw that Raph had stopped too. Leo felt like he'd just run the length of the state of New York while fighting off the entire Foot Clan. A slight turn of his head revealed Raph's sais buried in the mortar between two bricks in the wall behind his head. They stood there a moment, struggling for air, putting their hands on their thighs as they bent over to make it easier, and Raph slid to one knee. Leo went to a crouch for a moment, trying to control his breathing and slow his racing heart. Neither cared that their father and brothers were standing in the doorway to the dojo, watching in shocked silence after having been brought running by Raphael's screams.
"…His greatest weakness…"
Leo barely heard the faint whisper as he listened to the hoarse gasps for air became steadier, shallower as his brother started to get his breathing under control again and Leo felt the throbbing pulse in his temples begin to fade. He was just starting to straighten again when he heard the hoarse gasping contain a sob.
His head snapped up in time to see Raph finish sliding all the way to his knees, head hanging and his arms bracing himself on the floor. He was trembling, and a few gasps later there was another sob. Then another. And then, before Leo could quite comprehend what had happened, his brother broke down completely, fisting his hands against the floor as he bent over nearly double to rest his forehead on the mat, sobbing quietly.
Leo swallowed, feeling his heart break as he listened to the harsh, wracking sobs, and stood unsteadily to cross the few feet to where Raphael had collapsed to the floor. Sinking to his knees in front of him, he gathered him gently into his arms, holding him closer than he had since they were small children. He said nothing, simply holding his brother and letting him cry into his shell, letting him release some of the pain that had been festering inside him. His shoulders and plastron were quickly soaked, and Leo closed his eyes as his own tears began to fall for the pain his brother was in, for the heartbreak that no one could cure.
"…he loves too much."