So this story is based on Taylor Swift's song Never Grow Up, which I love. This fic is my idea of what Katniss wishes she could have said to Prim before the Quarter Quell, because she knew that she couldn't come home twice. It's also based on what I would want to say to my sister, who Prim reminds me of so much, if I was in Katniss' situation. Hope you enjoy it!
Disclaimer: I disclaim. I owneth this not. Not the series, or the song. They belong to Suzanne Collins and Taylor Swift. I'm not them, in case you hadn't noticed. Honestly, guys.
Warning: Mild spoilers. Just to let you know, this is not an action-y story.
Too heartsick to cry, all I want is to curl up on the bed and sleep until we arrive in the Capitol tomorrow morning. But I have a mission. No, it's more than a mission. It's my dying wish. Keep Peeta alive. And as unlikely as it seems that I can achieve it in the face of the Capitol's anger, it's important that I be at the top of my game. This won't happen if I'm mourning for everyone I love back home. Let them go, I tell myself. Say good-bye and forget them. I do my best, thinking of them one by one, releasing them like birds from the protective cages inside me, locking the doors against their return. By the time Effie knocks on my door to call me to dinner, I'm empty.
-Catching Fire, p.87
She's really gone, then. The little girl with the back of her shirt sticking out like a duck tail, the one who
needed help reaching the dishes, and who begged to see the frosted cakes in the bakery window. Time and
tragedy have forced her to grow too quickly, at least for my taste, into a young woman who stitches bleeding
wounds and knows our mother can hear only so much.
-Mockingjay, p25 (I know this quote comes after the time that this story is set, but it's relevant to the story.)
Your little hand's wrapped around my finger
And it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter 'cause you're dreaming
So I tuck you in, turn on your favourite night light
You were such a placid little baby, Prim. Just perfect, really. You never caused anyone any trouble. You hardly ever cried, except for when one of us was upset. You knew, somehow, just like you always have. I guess that gift has never left you.
One of my earliest memories is when I was just after you were born, and I had just turned four a few months earlier. The only sounds I could hear were Mother and Father talking in another room and your quiet little breathing. You fell asleep beside me with your tiny little hand wrapped around my finger. I was amazed at how tiny your little fingers were, how all five of yours wrapped around one of mine.
When you were a few years older, you always had to have a lit candle sitting on the windowpane when you went to sleep, because you got scared if it was too dark to see. We'd had a few hours of electricity earlier in the evening, but it was usually off by the time you went to bed. Everyone knew why, and no-one expected it later in the evening. Still, you didn't like it. You wouldn't go to sleep unless Mother or Father lit a candle for you. Even though you were too young to understand, it was almost like you were defying the poverty we lived in every day, when no-one else did anything about it. Guess that's never really left you, either. You've always tried to make the world a better place. You were my candle in the dark windowpane, Prim. You've always brightened my life when nothing else could.
To you, everything's funny
You got nothing to regret
I'd give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that
You've always been such a happy kid, from when you were a tiny baby. Even after Father died, you refused to let it get you down like it did to Mother. You make everybody's day, no matter how bad it life goes sometimes, and all the people in town love you.
Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple
I saw you fighting, Prim. You were always so strong for Mother, but I know it was hard for you. You defied the depression that overwhelmed her, but you had to be strong for her. And I'm sorry you had to do that. Sorry that you had to grow up that bit faster than you were supposed to. But you resisted it. You're still that candle in the night, not just for me, but everybody you meet, and I'm so proud of you for that. I hope that it continues to come to you as easily as it always has.
You're in the car on the way to the movies
And you're mortified your mom's dropping you off
At 14, there's just so much you can't do
And you can't wait to move out someday and call your own shots
But don't make her drop you off around the block
Remember that she's getting older, too
You have always been there for Mother. I know that it gets frustrating sometimes. It has to be hard for someone as bright and as happy as you to deal with her depression sometimes. But it is hard for her, Prim. Hard to believe as it is, she loved Father more than you and I did.
And I know that you can't wait to get older so that you can go to medical school and become a doctor. And I have every faith that will happen, because you will make it happen. You're a beautiful, intelligent girl with fierce determination and a passion for what you love.
But Prim, you're still only young. As much as you might not like to admit it sometimes, you still have a lot to learn. And so do I. You've been forced to grow up faster than your age says you have. And I know that if you were here, you would tell me that that's just a number, with that intelligent, smart-beyond-your-years look on your face that I love so much, even when you prove me wrong. But it's an important number, Prim. It's a count of the years of experiences you've had that have made you smarter. And even though there's been plenty of those, there's still plenty more to come. You need to enjoy being young, and enjoy what you've got right now. And I know you can do that. Just look at you, and how much you've improved people's lives just by being in them. One good thing that I've learned from everything I've been through in the last year, and what's to come in the next couple months, is that you have to enjoy your childhood. You can't grow up so fast that you don't enjoy the experiences you have as a kid. Being here, with what's going to happen in the near future, has made me realise that.
And don't lose the way that you dance around
In your PJs getting ready for school
And Prim, keep hold of the little quirks that you have that everyone loves so much. Things like the little tunes that you sing, the noises you make when you're annoyed. Even if you grow out of them, remember them. They are part of what makes you who you are, who everyone admires and loves you for.
No one's ever burned you
Nothing's ever left you scarred
And even though you want to
Just try to never grow up
I wish I could always be there to take care of you. I wish I could be with you every day to talk to you about everything. Being away from you is killing me.
Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother's favourite songs
Memories of our childhoods, memories of you, Prim, are what's keeping me sane right now. Memories are so important, and I am so thankful that you've given me so many good ones to hold onto. So you need to remember the things that have made you happy. Things like what it sounded like when Father came home from the mines, with his deep, happy voice echoing through the house as he came through the door. Little things like Mother's and Father's footsteps as they walked through the house, Father's as quiet as a feather from his time in the woods, and Mother's, a bit more defined, but still graceful and light. Remember what Father's voice sounded like when he belted out mountain airs, loud and clear, in the middle of the day, and soft and feathery when he sang us to sleep at night. Those memories are priceless, precious, and nothing anyone ever does to you can take them away.
I just realized everything I have
Is someday gonna be gone
Prim, whether I survive the next couple of months or not, I'm going to die eventually. We all are, hopefully quietly and happily when we're old – that's one of my biggest wishes for you. But it could be sooner, and I guess what I'm saying is, you have to try to make the most of every day of your life, even when it gets really hard. Because we never know when we'll leave this life; it could be tomorrow, or in eighty years' time. Having been as close to death as many times as I have, I've realised that we can't take life for granted. You know that too, living in District Twelve. It's a precious thing. So make sure that you make the most of your life, Prim, whether I'm there with you or not. I'm not always going to be around to remind you of that. You've always been better than me at that anyway.
So here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It's so much colder than I thought it would be
So I tuck myself in and turn my night light on
So here I am, in the Capitol. Tomorrow is the start of the Games, and more than anything, I wish I wasn't here. I wish Peeta wasn't here. I wish Haymitch and Effie and Cinna and my prep team weren't here. I wish there was no such thing as the Hunger Games; that there were no children being killed for entertainment. I wish that twenty-three innocent people didn't have to die in the next few months. But something has to be done, Prim. Something has to change; we can't go on like this for eternity. I know that something will be done. I just wish I knew what and when. I wish I could be a part of it.
Oh, I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
Could still be little
Oh, I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple
I wish that none of us had to go through this. I wish that you didn't have to go through this. More than anything, I'm sorry you had to grow up so fast. It's the worst thing as a big sister, knowing that I can't always be there for you, and that there's nothing I can do about it. I wish there was something I could do about it.
Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple
And even through to you want to
Please try to never grow up
Don't you ever grow up
(Never grow up)
Just never grow up
The only thing left that I can say, Prim, is please don't grow up too fast. Enjoy your life, and take care of yourself. Stay strong, no matter what happens. Most of all, keep inspiring people like you have done to me. Keep being that candle in the dark window. I'll love you always, sweetheart.
Hope you enjoyed it. Hope it didn't seem too out of character for Katniss - just imagine her in one of her more emotional states. :)
Let me know what you think! Thanks for reading :)
Always,
Abbey xx