by Maria Rocket
***
Author's Notes: Oki, no pairings, no romance, angst overdose, and a slightly bastardized Mr. Winner. Eh, it's from lil' Quat's view, so it's gonna be sorta one-sided here. ^^; I really shoulda just called this "Life Sucks!" but I tried to keep this serious. One of my very few rare non-AU fics! It's supposed to be series timeline! *gaspgasp* ^^;; Anyhoo, this wasn't supposed to be a songfic. I've been trying to write a Quatreficcy for a while now, but it keeps getting deleted in various colorful ways...the last time, my entire harddrive was lost, and there it went...O_o;; But then one day I was listening to this song, and it so made me think of one part of the fic... But I didn't want to have a songfic in just one part of the story (tried that before, and it turned eviiil on me ^^;) so I thought I'd do a separate songfic for it, just with a different perspective from the other fic. So here this is... Song is "Wonderful" by Everclear.
***
Little Quatre Winner lay in his bed, crying his heart out onto his pillow. There had been no bedtime story, no goodnight kiss, no one to tuck him in. Never again. He whimpered miserably in the darkness. He had once been afraid of the dark, but now it was his only comfort. Burying his wet face against his pillow, he silently cursed his father.
I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope it's over when I open them
He was only ten years old, but he felt as though his life were coming to an end. His whole world as he'd known it had fallen apart. His father had sent Miriam away, and now he was all alone. Quatre curled into a shivering ball.
Miriam, who had been his mother in every way, even though she wasn't. He couldn't remember a time when Miriam hadn't been there. While his father had been an almost god-like figure that he'd loved and worshipped from a distance, Miriam had always been there with him at every moment, nurturing and loving him whenever he needed her. If his father was the sun, then Miriam was his world. But now she was gone forever.
His lonely cries echoed through the dark cavernous recesses of the Winner estate without answer. He was only a small boy in a massive building. All alone.
I want the things that I had before
Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again
His troubles had begun innocently enough. Taking trips to other colonies was one of Quatre's favorite things, and although he knew his father didn't really like it, he'd never thought anything bad could possibly happen. After all, Miriam was always with him. She said it was educational. Quatre found that the cultures of other colonies were different than those of his own home, and he was fascinated.
That's when he learned that there were a lot of unhappy people in the colonies, and that not all children were as lucky as he had been. It had made him sad to see those things, but Miriam had told him that it was important that he see the world as it really was beyond his own priviledged home. She even promised to take him to see her old home on Earth someday.
One day while Quatre and Miriam were walking on a crumbling street of an L2 colony, the boy had spotted something huge walking down one of the streets. Curiosity getting the better of him, he escaped from Miriam to investigate. He had never seen a mobile suit before.
When a lady soldier emerged from inside the giant walking machine, he wasn't afraid. As soon as she stepped onto the street, the little blonde boy ran up to her, asking countless questions. She seemed amused by his innocence. Whatever the reason, she offered him a closer look at her "Leo mobile suit," and he too eagerly accepted. Soon he was up in the cockpit, and she was showing him how she operated all the systems, how she made it move, and anything else he asked. Quatre absorbed every detail with wide eyes.
Eventually the she was called away, and Quatre was set back down on the street. But even after the woman left, he stared up at the huge suit. He was drawn to it, he had to see more. So he gave into his terrible curiosity and lifted into the cockpit by the pullcord like he'd seen the woman do. Inside, he'd excitedly settled into the pilot's seat that was much too big for him, and looked around. Seeing no harm in it, he pressed the buttons. He had an excellent memory, and was delighted when the machine worked for him the way it had for the woman. In almost no time, he had the suit walking down the street. He didn't even notice the panicking soldiers running after him.
After one near trip into a building, he was finally coaxed out of the suit. Miriam was near hysteria, and the soldiers were extremely angry. But nowhere near as angry as Quatre's father when he found out. Apparently he had to convince a few people that his ten year old son and his nursemaid were not rebel terrorists.
When they'd gotten home, Quatre had heard his father in his office arguing with Miriam. He had never heard either of them speak that harshly before. He was near tears when he ran in, trying to stop their fighting. That had been earlier in the evening. Now he wished that he'd never gone inside.
Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
They say bad words that make me wanna cry
Squeezing his eyes tightly shut, Quatre rolled over in bed. He didn't want to remember that. Instead he remembered Miriam's brilliant smile the day she gave him his first violin lesson. The instrument she'd given him had been so small, but then so was he, and it had been much for his tiny hands to handle. She had looked so proud when he'd finally held it correctly.
He remembered climbing up onto his father's big desk and using his new crayons on all the nice big pieces of paper he found there. When his father returned to find Quatre happily scribbling away, he had scolded him. But then he'd held him and explained to him how important those papers were. Quatre hadn't understood most of what his father was trying to say, but he had loved having his attention. After that, Quatre had been intentionally naughty on occasion, especially during a long period of time when his father was too busy to spend any time with him. But never anything really bad. He loved his father and wanted him to be happy.
He remembered those precious times they had together, when everything was right with the world. Once his father had unexpectedly returned from work early in the day, and Quatre had joyfully run out of the mansion to meet him. He wasn't lifted up the way he had hoped, but he had happily clung to his father's arm. Bubbling with excitement, Quatre had almost forgotten about Miriam. Then there was a small flash, and he blinked up to see her there with a camera, smiling sweetly at them.
That had all been years ago, but there had been other such moments since. It was always his father, Miriam, and himself. The pleasant memories danced through his dreams while he slept. A few hours of escape.
Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday
Then dreams turned into a nightmare...
"Please stop fighting! I'll be good, I promise!"
At the boy's plea, his father and nursemaid turned to look down at him. His father's face was very grim, while Miriam smiled sadly. Then Quatre watched as his father turned away towards the large windows behind his office desk. In the dark glass, he could see his reflection close his eyes with an unfamiliar expression on his face. Quatre turned questioningly towards Miriam.
"Miriam, it's time." Quatre's father said firmly.
As the woman with the raven black hair kneeled down, Quatre saw her rich green eyes brimming with tears. He was still and confused as she pulled him to her and hugged him tightly. Feeling that something very bad was happening, an ill feeling settled in his stomach, and he began to shake.
"My little Quatre, you've gotten so big," she sighed. "Big enough to take care of yourself now."
"Miriam?"
"I can't be with you any more. I have to go home now. But I'll always love you, Quatre, remember that."
Quatre gasped as she pulled back to look at him. "Miriam, what do you mean? You're going to Earth? Without me?" He glanced quickly at his father, who hadn't moved, then back to Miriam. "I thought..."
"Shhh." Miriam smiled lovingly down at the boy. "Everything's going to be alright." A tear slid down her cheek as she leaned over to kiss his forehead one last time. Then she stood and left the office, closing the door behind her.
"Miriam!" Quatre whirled around, ready to chase after her.
"Quatre!"
At the commanding sound of his father's voice, Quatre's shoulders stiffened, and he turned back around. His eyes were wide and glistening with betrayal.
Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world's so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now
"You've been through a lot tonight," his father spoke in a softer voice. "You should go to bed now. In the morning, you'll feel better."
For a few heartbeats, Quatre didn't move. Feel better? Going with Miriam was the only thing that would make him feel better. He had to go after her, and bring her back. Instead, his feet slowly shuffled to life, and he dropped his eyes from his father, turning towards the office door. He pushed through it, feeling as though he had left something behind in that room.
Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now
Fighting through tortured dreams, sleep hadn't taken him easily. And as he had predicted, the morning didn't make him feel any better. He dressed himself quickly, with an occasional rub to his tired, tear-stained face. It was the day the student orchestra met at the music hall to play together. Usually he was bouncing with happiness whenever he went to the music hall. He loved the chance to play and talk with others his own age. But today, he wasn't sure how he'd make it through the morning.
Stepping out of his bathroom, he ran a comb through his hair one more time, then set it down on his bureau with a light clack sound. Then he turned and put a hand on his violin case. His real, grown-up violin, that Miriam had given him for his birthday just that year. His eyes threatened to spill over with tears yet again.
Clutching the case tightly to his chest, he walked out the door. It was only going to be a few hours. When he arrived, the other children were laughing and talking. Quatre sat among them, wishing he was happy too.
"Is something wrong?" They asked him.
He knew they weren't used to seeing him so sad. He cringed painfully inside. Now his sadness would spread to the rest of them, ruining everyone's good mood. No, he refused to let his misery spill out. These were the few friends he had, and he didn't want them to feel the way he did. So he forced a smile and shook his head. "I'm okay. Just a little tired, I guess."
The hours passed, and he tried to let the music soothe him. But his heart wasn't feeling it, even if his hands still held the instrument and caressed the strings together with the skill of one much older than himself. Everyone else was playing brisk and light, while his violin sounded depressed. He noticed the instructor give him a few perplexed looks, and he eventually stopped the music in an attempt to correct Quatre's playing. It was useless.
Afterwards, a few friends mentioned Quatre's poor performance, and he could see their concern in their eyes. He just smiled an apology as he snapped his violin case shut. "I'm sorry. I told you I was tired."
"You don't look that tired." One of the girls observed.
Quatre laughed weakly. "Oh, I am. When I get home, I'm going right back to bed. I'm fine, really!" He wasn't fine. Though his heart really did feel very tired. His eye caught sight of his family's chaffeur waiting for him. "Goodbye everyone, it's time for me to go..."
His response seeming to have satisfied them, Quatre's friends sent him off cheerfully. Quatre's smile disappeared as soon as he turned away from them, and his feet dragged on the tile floor. He didn't want to go back to that big empty mansion. Leaving behind his illusion of happiness, he returned home.
I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that it's all okay
I like to laugh so my friends won't know
When the bell rings I just don't wanna go home
Quatre was glad it was a Saturday, because he didn't want to do anything else that day. He went straight to his room and collapsed onto his bed with his violin case. Closing his eyes, his thoughts went to Miriam again, wondering if she was on the Earth now. If she had taken him with her, what would they be seeing right now? He imagined the sky and the cities that Miriam had told him about since he was very small. The oceans and the deserts, the forests and the mountains... He sighed to himself.
Maybe Miriam wouldn't be gone forever. Maybe it was just for a little while, until his father was done with this punishment. Then she would come back, and everything would go back to normal. He wanted to believe that.
Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I don't believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday
He wanted to believe Miriam's last words to him. He wanted to believe that everything would be okay. But when he had looked into her eyes, he had felt it deep down that she hadn't been okay. Why had she lied to him?
He could still remember her green eyes filled with tears as she smiled down at him and tried to reassure him... How could she smile and pretend like that? His heart burned inside. How could she abandon him and be so accepting of it!? His face scrunched up, and he fought back the tears.
How could she? She'd promised to take him with her, and she'd left him behind!
Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world is so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
When you tell me everything is wonderful now
A few minutes later, one of the housekeepers knocked on the door. His father wanted to see him in his office. With much reluctance, Quatre pulled himself up and went to see what his father wanted.
I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
When he entered the office, his father didn't look up right away. He was writing busily, making his marks in sharp curves. Quatre watched curiously. Was he sending for Miriam? His hopes rose as his father finally stopped writing and lifted his face to look at him.
"Quatre, we're going to have a guest over this afternoon. He's an old friend of mine. He's been a college professor for many years, but now he's coming to be your new tutor."
"What about Miriam?"
"Now, Quatre, you're too old for a nursemaid. It's time for you to have a real teacher."
"She was a real teacher..." Quatre protested weakly. His hopes were quickly sinking into a cold dark void. He felt ill.
"Some day you're going to take on the leadership and responsibilities of being the Winner heir. It's time for you to be properly educated for the future. Miriam could only teach you so much."
"But father...!" Quatre tried arguing again. How could he say such things about Miriam? Why was he so angry? She had done nothing wrong, Father should have sent him away, everything was his fault!
"Stop talking back! When did you become so insolent?" His father stood from the desk to look down at him. "Now I know I made the right decision. It's time for you to grow up, Quatre. Miriam has returned to Earth to live her own life, and it's time for you to live yours. When your new tutor arrives, I expect you to be respectful."
"My life?" Quatre felt a wave of bitterness fill him. "What if I don't want to grow up? What if I don't want to be an heir?"
"You were born to be my successor, it doesn't matter what you want. One day you will become head of the Winner family and inherit the responsibilities of that position. Just like I did from my father, and he did from my grandfather, and my grandfather did from my great grandfather, and so forth for countless generations. It is your legacy."
"What does it matter?" Unknowingly matching his father's condescending tone, Quatre stared down at the carpet. "Miriam showed me what's going on... OZ and the Earth has us in their control. By the time I come of age, there may be nothing left for me to inherit. They'll control us just like they control everything else. And we won't do anything about it, will we?"
Quatre startled in shock at the loud impact of his father's fist on the desktop. His blue eyes darted up to look into a nearly obscured, angry face. Pain welled up in his chest.
"Enough!" His father regained an inch of composure. "Someday you'll realize that this was all for the best. Now go stay in your room until the new tutor arrives. And I will not tolerate anymore disrespectful behavior from you, is that understood?"
Heat churned inside of Quatre. Tears burned in his eyes as he felt all the pain and hurt that had been building since the day before tear him apart. And from the heart of his anguish, a wave of anger lashed out.
"No!" Quatre stared at his father in angry defiance. "I'm not doing anything you tell me to! I'm not seeing any tutor! You can't make me!"
"Quatre!" In his father's face was in a righteous rage, as well as a strangely satisfying shock.
I don't wanna hear you say
That I will understand someday
No! No! No! No!
I don't wanna hear you say
You both have grown in a different way
No! No! No! No!
I don't wanna meet your friends
And I don't wanna start over again
I just want my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Then an infuriating calm came over the man. "Quatre, this isn't going to bring Miriam back. You're only demonstrating every reason why sending her away was the right choice. Now stop behaving like a small child, and start behaving like the Winner heir."
Quatre shook with anger and grief. Unable to bear it any longer, he bolted from the office. He could hear his father yelling after him, but he only ran faster. He ran until he had escaped into the estate garden. Like a wounded animal, he fell into the dark safety of a cavernous hedge.
His small body shook and shook, but he was beyond tears. Pain ate away at his soul, and he hated them for it. He hated them all. He hated father for seeing him as nothing more than his puppet heir and sending Miriam away. And he hated Miriam for abandoning him. They didn't love him. Perhaps they never had. No one loved him.
He remembered once upon a time, when he'd asked Miriam about the pictures of little girls all around the mansion. She had told him that they were all his sisters, and that they lived far away. After hearing where all his sisters had gone to, he curiously asked his father where they'd all come from. Father told him that they'd been made in a test tube, just like Quatre. This had led to a brief time of confusion for him after Miriam had taught him where babies really came from. She had told him that it didn't matter how a person was born... But he knew the truth now. He wasn't born, he was made. He was made to serve his father, just like all his sisters probably were. That's why he'd never met them... He was made, he was a thing. And people love other people, not things. He wasn't born, he wasn't a person, he wasn't real...
Small fists clenched against the cold grass.
"I hate you!" Quatre screamed into the artificial ground. "I hate you all!"
He hated himself. It was all his fault.
He wanted to scream more, but the sounds choked in his throat. His body just trembled silently until he was so exhausted he fell asleep.
Somedays I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything
Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now
Somewhere on the verge of sleep and dreams, he thought he heard his father calling for him. The new tutor had arrived. He was going to be in so much trouble now.
He just didn't care.
I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now