Words I Never Said

What a long day.

The first thing Xibalba wanted to do after 'reconciling' with his two-week old newborn baby was to make up for the two weeks he failed to acknowledge her as his daughter out of grief for his beloved wife's death. The wound was still fresh, after all. However, within another week there was already a strong, affectionate bond between the two. Xibalba carried his daughter in his arms nearly all the time, soothing her and shushing her wherever she cried. He'd often make funny faces while he was with her just to make her smile. He would sometimes even stay up late while watching her sleep and make sure she didn't have a bad dream. Marigold, in turn, learned to recognize her father in no time, and she'd sometimes cry when he had to lay her down on her crib. She'd fidget with his moustaches or run her fingers through his beard playfully, often earning 'tickle attacks' from him. Overall, Xibalba wanted her to be as happy as possible so she wouldn't feel La Muerte's absence so much.

Today, after taking her for a small 'tour' of the courtyard (which, much to his frustration, in reality hadn't so many interesting things) and the castle, changing her diaper (thankfully, this time the baby powder didn't fly up to his face again), and giving her the bottle (he learned the first time that he should never bounce a baby right after feeding her), Xibalba lulled his daughter to sleep, and tucked her into her cradle for her nap.

Xibalba smiled as he watched his baby sleep, his large gloved hand gently resting on her little body. Marigold shifted in her sleep, suckling unto her pacifier and clutching unto her rattle while letting out little 'snores' (he mentally cursed himself for passing that trait unto her); she must be having a pretty good dream, because she was laughing every few minutes, and Xibalba couldn't help but laugh softly wherever she did. He loved her little smiles. The feathers on her wings were twitching in delight and comfort. How he wished La Muerte were here to see this.

There was a sudden knock at the door. Marigold's little face crunched up when the loud sound disturbed her sleep, and she started to sob awake, her pacifier slipping from her lips.

"Sh-sh-sh." Xibalba shushed to her as he gently placed the pacifier back into her mouth, and rocked the cradle. "It's okay, mi chiquita. Go back to sleep, everything's alright. Papi's right here with you."

His voice, the pacifier and the rocking of the cradle combined soon lulled Marigold back to sleep; she let one of the most adorable squeals before letting sleep overcome her. Once he was certain Marigold was asleep, Xibalba glided towards his door while grumbling under his breath, cursing whoever had dared come disturb his baby's dreams. He opened the door to find Emilio staring up at him with a nervous look.

"What?!" Xibalba hissed with sharp teeth in a low voice to avoid disturbing Marigold yet again. "This better be important, Emilio!"

"It is, My Lord. There's someone who wants to see you."

"That's all? You disturbed my daughter's sleep just because someone decided to pay a visit?! Tell him to come back other day, I'm not in the mood to receive anyone!"

"But My Lord, it's your brother who wishes to speak to you."

Xibalba snapped his eyes open, and he felt his heart skip a beat. Emilio swore he even went pale, making his black tar skin look gray to some extent. He wasn't surprised by his master's reaction after all, he hadn't seen his brother for centuries, and the two weren't exactly in good terms (on Xibalba's side, mostly). Soon, Xibalba's expression went grim as he looked down at the lizard. "Tell him I'll meet him in my study."

"Yes, My Lord."

When Emilio ran down the dark halls to give the message to his brother, Xibalba went back into his chambers to do a quick check-up on Marigold before going to meet his older sibling. Marigold was still asleep, thankfully, and she suckled her pacifier as she wiggled in her sleep, gurgling and squealing in the infant's language. Xibalba bent down and planted a kiss on her forehead, and one of his long claw-like fingers stroked her cheek gingerly, as if he were touching a fragile little flower.

"Que duermas bien, mi florecita." He whispered into her ear. "Papi will be back soon."

Marigold sneezed in her sleep, before squirming for a few seconds and remaining still again. With a small smile and one last glance at his daughter, Xibalba glided out of his chambers and closed the doors behind him. As he advanced towards his study, he wondered what his brother wanted. They had not spoken for years, so he could only guess he simply had come to greet him; this did not mean that Xibalba was very happy to see him, however. When he walked into his study, he spotted his brother's familiar bat wings and feather-covered body.

"Zipacna." His voice was colder than winter, if that was possible.

The caiman-headed God turned his head around at his younger sibling's voice, and waved his hand slightly, giving his fellow dark being a small smile. "Hi, little bro."

Xibalba just stood at the doors of his study, while Zipacna leaned his back against the wall on the opposite wall to them. They stayed like that for what seemed like hours, in silence, staring into each other's eyes from afar, until Xibalba broke the ice by closing the door behind him. He glided to one of his drawers, were a silver tray with a bottle of his favorite wine and some crystal wine glasses on top of it lay. Despite feeling his brother's eyes uncomfortably unto him, Xibalba glanced at Zipacna. "Would you like something to drink?" They may not be on exactly good terms, but that didn't mean he had to be rude.

Zipacna shook his head. "No, gracias."

Xibalba took a glass, removed the cork of the bottle and poured himself some wine into it; not too much, only half the glass, since he had put himself under a strict limit to how much alcohol he drunk, for Marigold. He didn't want his baby seeing him in a drunken state, and was afraid of hurting her unintentionally while under the maddening effects of alcoholic beverages. Once he had his drink in his hand, Xibalba moved towards his desk and glanced at his brother.

"Please, take a seat." He motioned towards one of the wooden chairs in front of his desk. His tone was cold and formal, like he was speaking to a stranger. Over the last centuries, Zipacna had become a stranger to him, even if he wanted to think of the contrary. Zipacna did as his brother told and sat down on the chair, wrapping his tail around one of the chair's legs. Xibalba then sat down on his own, obsidian chair and glanced at his brother, not removing his mask of formality. "Now tell me why are you here."

"Well, little brother, I…" Zipacna didn't know what to say. He simply wanted to see his younger brother after so much time, but the ice floe-like behavior Xibalba was showing him made him know the dark god was still angry at him. "The other Gods informed me of your daughter's birth…" Zipacna hesitated to continue when he saw Xibalba tightening his grip on the glass of wine. "And La Muerte's death."

"That's all?" Xibalba had started to tremble, but regained his composure quickly, taking a sip from his wine.

"I came to tell you that I'm truly sorry for what happened to her, I know she was your whole world."

"Save your pity, brother. I don't want it." Xibalba looked away.

"It's not pity, Xibalba. I'm just telling you that I'm sorry for what happened, I understand what you're feeling."

"Don't do that, please, don't!" Xibalba raised his voice, growling and glaring mildly at Zipacna. "You have no idea of how I'm feeling! You never fell in love, you never had a woman in your life! You simply went from realm to realm bedding widows, virgins and married females! You never grew to love someone, nor parented a child!"

"You don't need to rub it in my face, you know!" Zipacna protested, lifting up his hands defensively. "But at least I remember mother long enough to have felt pain when she passed away."

Xibalba slammed the glass against his desk, spilling a bit of its contents on it; Zipacna instantly knew he had struck a nerve when he saw his brother's eyes glistening with tears, though Xibalba was quick to repress them. "If you came to make fun of me for not having known our mother before she passed then leave!"

"Nonono, I didn't mean it! I just… want you to know that whatever you need, you can count on me, little bro."

Calming down for the moment, Xibalba took another sip from his drink. "Oh, so now you've finally decided to act like a big brother? Don't you think it's a little late for that, Zipacna?"

Now it was Zipacna's turn to grow angry. "How many times must I tell you that I'm sorry?! I regret having left you behind, but I couldn't expose you to living in exile! I know I abandoned you to suffer under father's cruelty, but if you knew what I had to go through until Quetzalcóatl gave me the Land of the Cursed-!"

"You still don't get it, do you?" Xibalba's glare softened, and he gave Zipacna a sad look. "This is not about you abandoning me. That is part of it, but only in a minor scale. What pained me-what still pains me-is that even after father's death, you were never there for me." He examined the red liquid in his glass to avoid looking at his brother in the eye. "You were not there the day of my wedding. You were not there when my first child was born dead. You didn't even come to La Muerte's funerary rites when she died." His voice grew cold and stern. "You were never there for me. I needed you, but you were who knows where, not even caring about what happened with my life. You're not the brother I grew up with."

Zipacna stared at his brother with glistening eyes and a deep regret. Each word his brother was speaking was a dagger that pierced through his chest, aiming for his heart to tear it out of his chest. He shifted on his seat so he could take a grip on Xibalba's arm.

"Xibalba, I still are your older brother! I'm still the boy who'd often sneak up into the kitchen with you to steal cake!"

Xibalba closed his eyes.

"I'm still the boy who'd stand up for you when the other children picked up on you! I'm still the boy who'd let you sleep with him when you had a nightmare! I know I haven't been acting as such for the past centuries, but I'm telling you I want to fix it and make it up to you! Tell me what I need to do to earn your forgiveness, and I'll do it! I don't care if I have to go to Hell and back, I'll do it if you ask that of me! But please, do not shut me out of your life!"

After that, the two remained silent for a few minutes. Zipacna anxiously awaited for his brother to say something, anything, hoping Xibalba would show him some mercy. Xibalba was pondering over Zipacna's words, asking himself if he could forgive him or not. Zipacna may have left him to suffer under Akrinok's cruelty, and then unintentionally abandoned him, but he still had fond memories of when his time with Zipacna before he ran away. They were very close back then, until one day he awoke and found his brother gone.

…

"I…" Xibalba sighed with a heavy heart. "I'm sorry, Zipacna, but I can't forgive you. Not yet. I need time. Your absence really hurt me."

Zipacna released his brother's arm and looked down sadly.

"But… I wouldn't mind if you came to visit more often, Zippy."

The caiman-headed deity fell a great weight being lifted upon his shoulders when Xibalba called him by the childhood name he would call him. Xibalba couldn't help it, and grinned a bit at his brother, though it was so small it was barely noticeable at all, but Zipacna knew his brother enough to know when he was smiling. Just then, an idea popped into his mind.

"Say, Xibalba…" Zipacna wasn't certain if his brother would allow this. "May I take a look at your daughter? I mean, you know, I'd like to know my niece."

Xibalba thought for a moment, before letting out a small sigh. "I guess it wouldn't hurt."

Placing his now-empty glass back on his desk, Xibalba led Zipacna out of his study and to his bed chambers. Zipacna was wondering who the baby resembled more, if his brother, or La Muerte (inwardly he hoped she resembled the latter). Once they were in Xibalba's chambers, the dark god approached his daughter's cradle to see if Marigold was still sleeping; he was relieved that she was, but her pacifier had long slipped form her mouth, and she tried in vain to swaddle herself so she could look for it. Xibalba couldn't help but chuckle when he noticed Marigold was doing a suckling motion with her lips, until she started to sob.

"Sh-sh-sh." Xibalba gently lifted his daughter from the cradle and cuddled her in his arms. He picked up her pacifier and lowered it to her lips, immediately she latched on it, squealing in delight. Xibalba smiled and loosened her blanket a bit. "Did you have a good nap, mi florecita?" Marigold gurgled and waved her arms at her father, as if replying.

Zipacna approached his brother warily, but he was endeared by the way the two interacted. Xibalba remembered why they were there, and held out his baby for his brother to see, but still talked to her. "Look, Marigold. This is your uncle Zipacna."

Marigold stared at the stranger in front of her with side yet curious eyes. It was then that Zipacna confirmed (thankfully) that she identical to his sister-in-law physically, in the sugar skin, the black licorice hair, and the shape of her chubby face and little nose. However, he saw traits of his brother in her green and red eyes, and the feathery black stubs she had for wings just barely seen from under the blanket. Marigold cooed and squealed, trying to hide further into her father's embrace, frightened by her uncle's appearance.

"It's okay, mi florecita, he may look scary but he wouldn't hurt a fly." Xibalba chuckled. Zipacna extended out a claw to touch her, but Marigold started to cry, prompting the caiman-head to retract his hand from her. He didn't want his niece to have scary memories of him, after all. Xibalba bounced Marigold gently in his arms and shushed her, having to embrace her with a wing to keep her from seeing Zipacna; as he did so, her crying ceased.

"She hates me, doesn't she?" Zipacna groaned in dismay. "That's not exactly what I had in mind."

Suddenly, the two brothers felt an awful smell lingering in the air. Zipacna gulped when he realized where the smell was coming from. "Uh, Xibalba… Your baby…"

Xibalba sighed in dismay. "I know."