I Ain't a Coward
By: Lady Venom
Authors Note: TMNT does not belong to me; it belongs to Mirage, Eastman and Laird. And probably other people that I am unaware of. I might attempt a prequel to this for how Raph met Rachel. The thoughts for it are long, drawn out and aggravating, and kinda painful to rehash. So please, don't ask for a sequel or anything before it. I'll do it if I can. Also, if some words are stuck together, it's because uploader was a pain in the arse and shoved them together and you've found one or two that I missed. Also, many thanks to my editor, although, you weren't as brutal as you might have thought you were, it still helped.
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I can see her in the shadows, just the soft graceful way the body swings back and forth. I can hear the slight creak of the rope from the ceiling; again, I shake the image away. I tell myself over and over again that it's not real.She's not there; she hasn't been here for weeks. I feel like I'm going to be sick again, I feel like I'm going insane. Every twist, every turn in these dank tunnels, and every movement, every noise turns into her.
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I finally stop walking, leaning against the only part of the tunnel not moving with the dark colors of cockroaches. My lungs are burning for the air I've deprived them of, but I can't go home. If I even have a home to go back to. Master Splinter had been real clear on that part. "Leave, don't come back." I wonder if all parents are such tight asses? It's not like he ever acted like that with Leo and his nightly excursions. Or is there some magic word I've been forgettin' to say before I head out?
I just couldn't take it anymore. Mister macho Leo gettin' his own way all the time, even his punishments were just a slap on the wrist. Don, well, Don's Don. The thought of doing anything that didn't involve computer chips never crosses the guy's mind. And Mike can pull all the pranks he wants I swear he ain't ever gonna grow up. Jesus.
No one accepted me for me, 'cept her. I slam my fist against the brick wall, and watch it crumble inward under the pressure, causing a swarm of writhing brown insects fall out and scurry around my feet. I sneer at them and snort with disgust, but ignore them. I don't care right now They could overtake me, cover me, and cut off my air for all I care. Not like I got anything left to look forward to anymore.
I pull back to punch again, and stop halfway there realizing I've nothing left to punch, except the hole I've already created in the decaying wall. Snarling I turn and stalk off, hearing satisfying crunches beneath my feet as I make my way further down the tunnel. Cockroach blood stains my feet, leaving them slick and dark.
From a grate above, moon light filters down onto me, giving me cause to blink. I can see her again, that maddening image of a blonde woman, face done up with light make-up, never heavy. Knee length skirt, pretty blouse…and a red scarf in her hair. She had worn it the night she had killed herself my bandanna. I had given it to her one night, as a promise that I wouldn't leave her. She had accepted it, tying it around her bright curls as a sign of good faith that she would always be there for me.
My stomach churns again, and I stomp my feet, if only to release a bit of anger on the mass beneath my toes.
I don't get it, she laughed, she always laughed. Everything was fine, she had said. Everything was always fine. Never did I see her sad, never depressed. Why then? What on this earth possessed her to do that to herself?! I throw back my head and yell, a sound so primal that I feel a tingle of fear weave through my spine.
What was going through her mind when she was tying that rope? As she stood amongst the food she had cooked for us that night as she looped the length through the chandelier? She knew I'd be there, I promised her. Just like we swore we'd be there for each other. What the fuck was she thinking leaving me here alone?!
No one knew about her, she was mine. The only thing that was really mine in this world; it wasn't 'ours'. Nothing I had to share with my brothers or had to tell Splinter about, shell, like I would have ever told Splinter about it if he had asked. She's the reason I've no home to go back to in the first place! And now…now she fuckin' went and killed herself!
"Fucking coward!" I scream, eyes squeezing shut against the tears I know are falling.
The salt stings and I'm momentarily blinded. But that doesn't mean I don't sense another coming up behind me. I turn, lashing out with the heel of my foot, and I give a feral grin as it connects. The grunt of pain emanating from the body gives me a sense of pleasure I didn't think I'd ever feel again. I open my eyes to slits, they still sting, but I want to see his look of shock, of pain.
My grin turns down into a fresh snarl at the look of sympathy, of pity. I bear down on my back leg before pushing off. My jump lands me square on the target and I knock Leo down again, my body is crouching over his, sai clamped within my grasp so hard my fingers hurt with the pressure. No words. If he speaks, so help me I'll cut his tongue out.
Does he know what happened? I search his eyes. Is that the reason why he looks at me that way?
"You told 'er…" I croak out, pushing all my weight on the bent knee resting on his chest, slowly cutting off his air. "You told 'er somethin'…s'your fault!"
Had to be Leo…all knowing, all powerful Splinter Junior; he couldn't stand that I had something that wasn't his. I had discovered something first. Had done it without his express permission. His fault. All his fucking fault!
He opens his mouth to retaliate, to deny it. I don't wanna hear it. My fist slams into his upturned jaw, the hilt of my weapon reinforcing the blow. I hear a snap and wonder if I broke a bone. I friggin' hope so. His hips buck up, causing me to lose my balance and topple off; I don't stay down for long. His weapons are already out, but I can tell from the way he's holding them that he doesn't want to attack me. Second mistake of the evening.
His first was not leaving me alone.
I flip my weapons around, so that I'm gripping them prongs out. He's just standing there, watching me. Watching me with those infuriatingly knowing brown eyes of his, as if he expected all of this. For his sake, he had better be ignorant of everything, or I'll pry that shell off his back as a trophy for his dead carcass.
An image of Leo in her apartment makes me snarl, my eyes narrowing of their own accord. I don't care if it's real or imagined. He had to have told her something, it's the only reason why she …. Why she would do that…I choke, I can't bear to even think the word.
I hear a crunch, and realize I've moved forward, weapons up to protect my face from his blades as I've dropped into a fighting stance. My body is on autopilot, and my mind is just along for the ride. I crouch back on my hind leg, preparing to jump or sprint, I haven't decided yet. But I see that he's taken the same stance, and I feel the pain subsiding for a familiar rage, the one that's kept me going these last few weeks.
He killed her. My mind whispers in my ear. He made her think you were lost to her. He put the thoughts into her head…your brother is a killer… I can feel my chest ache as I breath irregularly, taking in barely any air as I start to hyperventilate.
"You…killed her…killed…Rachel…" I gasp out, breaking my stance as I lunge for my brother, one sai aiming for the exposed side where our shell meets skin, while the other holds high, going for that dark blue mask. I feel a vibration shiver down my arm as his blade connects solidly with my weapon, pushing it aside. I rise up on my one leg as the other swipes down low, trying to knock him off balance; it connects with his thigh and he grunts, jumping back to avoid another strike.
I see his mouth moving, but it's to check his jaw, and I laugh lowly. I must have broken it. Good, the last thing I wanted to hear was his self righteous bullshit. His katana's are held high, on the defensive, but he's weary. I can tell by the way he shifts from one foot to the other. A sign that he doesn't want to fight, but will if no other option is available.
I feel my whole body begin to vibrate. The trembling has to be visible to even him in this piss poor light. I snarl at my own weakness and charge him again, sais held low, preparing to attack his vulnerable flesh yet again. This time though, he's ready for me, and I feel a sharp jab puncture my hard plastron encasing my chest. It's a hard bony structure, but I still feel sensations, and right now it's stinging in the wake of the pierce like a bitch.
Kill him! My mind screams again, the voice becoming its own being separate from my mind. I can hear it circling me, just as I circle Leo. It's pushing me, cool breeze its fingertips, the voices from above mingling within my ear. All of it becoming a cacophony of my own screams as I found her hanging from the ceiling. Everything will be right again, eye for an eye. He forced her to take her own life. Murderer.
I dodge another blow from his swords, barely dancing out of the way as his elbow attempted to connect with my jaw. Kill him, kill your brother.
Kill Leo? No, I can't. That'd make me just like him, and I ain't no killer. The voice wails agonizingly inside my head for justice. It turns to her voice, begging, pleading, mewling for redemption. And I feel my very core split in two with both desires.
I see him charging me again, and I grip my sai's tightly, moving them towards my chest for defence; the proper use of them. But I can't bring myself to move them higher, to exert the power it requires to push him off of me. I feel his arms pulling back and I yell. Arms reaching up, I pull him back down to me as we both topple over in the slippery, debris strewn sewer. His dark brown eyes stare into mine with a silent plead to release him.
Heh. Release him. I like that.
The pressure of his body pushes against the sword between us, and I feel its tip break the yellow surface of my chest and sink deep, I wonder if it's long enough to hit the back of my shell? Don would have known. Don knew everything.
The force of his body pinning me down relents, and I watch him scamper off me in the faint light from above. His jaw is moving, but all that's coming out are odd strangled noises, I can feel the sword still in me, my body is singing with pain as it tries to push out the foreign object. My lungs are desperately seeking air, and I can't stop coughing.
I lie there, and wonder, if this is what she went through, as her body bounced and dangled from the chandelier in her living room. My fingertips are starting to go numb, and my legs start tingling with pins and needles. I feel my body being moved, and I look up with half lidded eyes to see Leo crouched above me, attempting to pull out the sword.
I reach up and swat his hand away. Mustering up as much a glare as I could, I shake my head. I want this, I want to tell him. There's no life for me back there, I lay my head back down, hand staying resolutely on the hilt of his katana sticking out of me.
I hear another moan as he leans over me, kneeling. I turn away; I don't want to see him like this. I don't want to hear that god-awful keening sound he keeps making. I grunt as the blade moves a fraction deeper with the weight of my leaden hand on it. I feel my eyelids dip even lower, and this time, I don't try to force them open. The tingling sensation has spread, it feel's like my whole body went to sleep.
Rachel, I tried to be there…I'm sorry I failed.
Fin