Remember the days (Shit on the Radio) ~ Fujin
Disclaimer: SquareSoft owns FF8 and all its characters. But I own this story. ^_^ The song is called Shit on the Radio (Remember the days). Nelly Furtado wrote it. Please don't sue me, either one of you. ^_^ I have nothing you want.
You liked me 'til you heard my shit on the radio
Well I hate to say but pop ain't going solo
You liked me 'til you heard my shit on the radio
But now I'm just too mainstream for you, oh no
Fujin didn't know who to hate the most. Herself for allowing herself to be so stupid. Or Seifer for being the same cocky, self-centered self he had always been, the same self she had thought to be in love with. He said she was talking shit too much for his comfort or face. He was worried that she was getting to high-handed with things. She thought she was saying the truth, from her heart. For so long she had denied herself the right to speak her mind, to be the leader and not the dim-witted follower, to be herself. She hated it when all she did was the following. Many say she was loyal to the posse. She said she couldn't have been more ridiculous.
You liked me 'til you seen me on your TV.
Well, if you're so low then why you watching?
You say good things come to those who wait
Well, I've been waiting for a long time for it.
All she had ever done was live, eat, breath, the posse. A small, but powerful three-man group formed of the giant Raijin, the arrogant Seifer, and the quiet albino, Fujin Kazeno. The woman on the wind. By her name she was condemned silent. The wind was usually silent and so would be her voice. Fujin thought that was shit but never openly mentioned it. Few people would not understand how her power could affect her. Then came the notion that the wind could be as powerful as to call upon thunder and destroy cities, to take lives. Tornadoes, monsoons, hurricanes. Aided with violent rain and furies of lightening she could demolish life as easily as God could. She could cause as much pain as she wanted. She could be strong and stand against the things that over looked the usually subordinate zephyr. The Wind could talk, and retaliate with a vengeance. She didn't have to be quiet for all eternity. The Wind showed her that. She was the wind and retaliate she would.
She had been in the posse for far too long. She didn't know who she was anymore. Seifer thought he knew who she ought to be. A friend, a reliable friend, that he could fall back on when things got too tough. So fucking stupid. She didn't want to be his friend. She wanted to be Seifer Almasy's girlfriend, a cherished lover to hold him and kiss him, to tell him all she felt. She told him she wanted to go. He laughed and said the posse would never do such a thing. A break-up was impossible. She hated him. When she started to forswear Raijin and himself, Seifer got pissed, saying he didn't have time to watch her shit. He had better things to do with his time. Still, he was always there behind her, mocking her efforts to make something out of her boring life. For a guy so pressed for time, he sure made a point to make her labors seem like a mistake. A bad one.
I remember the days when I was so eager to satisfy you
And be less then I was just to prove I could walk beside you
Now that I've flown away I see you've chosen to stay behind me
And still you curse the day I decided to stay true to myself
She had given up so much to become Seifer's equal. He was a proud, dignified, and royal leader and he would be damned to just let a puny someone try to stand at his right. It could never be a someone but it had to be a distinguished person-worthy of the position. Fujin was the only one that could ever walk beside him. At first she welcomed living for Seifer, living for the dream that one day they would become more the equals. When that happened, nothing happpened. Everything stopped. They were equals and that was all. She had no idea she could have been so wrong. When she knew that she could never have his love, she did anything to get his attention, his appreciation for always being there. She became ruthless. She became distant. She became a monster.
No one wants to confront a monster, let alone talking to one. When she became that way, everyone started to avoid her. Raijin and Seifer were her only company. At first she wasn't lonely but proud that she had become so different of the other students. But as time slowly came and went, she began to hurt inside. It's not a pleasant thing to be an outsider for so longer. She longed to have company, friends whom loved her, people that respected her and not feared her. For years she was a monster, for fix fucking years she was just Seifer's dog, thinking it was so cool to be the only one walking by his side. She thought she was so damn high on the hierarchy. If that was the case than all she wanted was to be the underdog. Then at least she could be…normal, a regular run-of-the-mill.
She was so pathetic, so dumb to let Seifer do that to her. She let him waste her life and she let him steal her life. She let him control her. She never did anything without his consent. Talk about finding love in the wrong mate. She had to give up so much for Seifer-gave up so much to be his right hand. She gave up her dreams, her hopes, and her self. But for what and at what cost? She did it for Seifer of course, for his dreams, his hopes, and his self. She was just a sacrificial lamb.
He wasn't going to follow her if she went her own way. Seifer told her so. He was determined to stay the leader on the disciplinary group but never would there be talk of any posse. They were the original and the only. Fujin didn't care what he planned to do. She just told him to get another fucking moron or a corpse to take her place for no one in their right mind would ever want to obtain such a degrading position on his side. If someone would ever walk by Seifer's side again, then they would not stay true to themselves. They would lose their identify just like she had. Seifer didn't like to hear that. He immediately told her to fuck off and damned himself for ever being her equal, and he damned the moment she decided to become true to herself. As one last insult he said he was surprised that she knew what being true was. Long ago he had been able to manipulate her, to use her, to have her wrapped to tightly about his finger for sure ruining the image of her. She was just his puppet.
Yes he was surprised indeed.
You say your quest is to bring it higher
Well, I never seen change without a fire
Seifer always wanted to be something bigger. Everything they did, Fujin thought, was to make the posse stronger. To make them invincible like an army. It would be all of their dreams come true. When she finally figured that his dreams were centered only on one person she wanted to hurt him, to kill him, to show him all the pain he had inflicted upon her heart. His dreams didn't contain friendship, or Raijin or herself, or the thought of all them being together in the end. His dreams were filled of the glory that would come to him as he sided with the evil, black-hearted whores called Sorceresses. Their powers were to the extreme and Seifer became greedy to be just as powerful. He had been using both Raijin and herself for his own purpose to make a hero out of himself. She wanted to kill him with her own hands.
After she decided to leave the posse for good, things really started to heat up. She and Seifer constantly fought verbally with each other. She could hold grudges and she held on to this one with all her heart. She couldn't easily forgive the man who openly used her. She wasn't his whore.
She was angry with herself for falling for him in the first place. At first Seifer's personality is remarkable, makes you feel as though you can face the world and win, but after a while you learn your mistake. You shouldn't play with fire. Pale white hands burn easily and the scars remain. On the inside Seifer is a beast. He is angry, jealous, loud, and arrogant. Fujin learned that too late and so did Rinoa. What was Seifer power that he could draw the weak and the crippled and the innocent to him for his own purpose to use them? To Fujin it sure was a man's fucking world.
And poor Raijin was caught in the middle of the battle. Torn and confused, tears were easily produced in his large brown eyes. It was heart aching and odd to see such a big man so sad and vulnerable. He didn't want Fujin to leave and he didn't want Seifer to become the jerk again, like he had during the war. He wanted them all to live together in happiness. Like a family. Fujin only shook her head when he tried to follow her. Dumb lamb still clung to her. With a gentle smile and a calm voice she told him to stay with Seifer. Like it or not, she knew Seifer needed Raijin around.
Fujin scoffs now at the term like family. Raijin had often mentioned to Seifer and her that they were like family to him. He didn't know his parents but he was sure to believe that God was looking out for him and gave him one brother and one sister so that he never left the pain of loneliness. At first, she thought it was real sweet of him to say that but she never openly said that. After a while the term became a curse. Yea, a family with an abusive father, a submissive mother, and a confused boy who doesn't know his father's shit from his mother's silence.
Nice family. Whatever.
But from your mouth I have seen a lot of burning.
But underneath I think it's a lot of yearning.
Your face, the colors change from green to yellow
To the point where you can't even say hello.
Seifer liked to talk shit about her after she left, or was getting ready to leave. She didn't mind. A good solid punch in his face usually shut him up and gave her some peace. But that wasn't likely to stop him. Another day and he was up to his old tricks again and the same ordeal would play once more. What a tragedy. Fujin understood his intent though. He wanted to beat her into submissiveness. Not with actions however but with words. With his words, so filled with anger and disgust, he was determined to wipe away her confidence, to shatter the strong goddess-like image of herself her mind had picked up, to break her soul apart so that she would come crawling back to him for protection.
He was smart when he did this. He didn't openly show his attack but did it like a well-trained con man. Fujin didn't even know what he was doing to her until Raijin told her so. He was manipulating her…and it was working. For a week she was starting to get a feel on what it was like living on her own. It wasn't pleasant thanks to Seifer's silent tactics. She was deciding to return to Raijin and Seifer. She thought that she wasn't strong enough to live like this, to live without Seifer always being there. When Raijin told her was Seifer was doing she gave up the idea of returning and decided once and for all she would become herself again.
After that she quickly caught on to Seifer's game. And she certain that he was jealous. He wanted so much to follow in her footsteps that it killed him, ate away at his pride and soul. He was just yearning to be like her, to be able to live on his own and be strong enough to face the world alone. He wanted in so bad that he threw a temperamental tantrum like a child at those he saw completing what he could never start. Fujin didn't need people to recognize her. Seifer did and that made all the difference.
Yes, Seifer Almasy was jealous. Bitter and mean with the fiery envy that consumed him. He didn't even look at her way when she passed him by in school, in the street of a city. To him, Fujin was dead. To her, Seifer was a child. She didn't care for him any more. When he started to avoid her, she smiled when he wasn't looking. He was making such a fool of himself. Slowly she was beginning to open up and was rewarded when the warm-eyed Rinoa befriended her. Fujin supposed that Rinoa knew about her decision and wanted to help. Fujin couldn't have felt more appreciative or happier. Rinoa certainly was a kind angel with a soft heart for she often sat with her at lunch or worked with her in the library on schoolwork. Rinoa didn't seem overly concerned about the fact that they had been enemies during the war and neither did most of her friends. And there was Seifer, sulking in a corner like he had last his best friend or his dog was ran over. Either one it was the same way he saw it.
You tell me you'd kill me if I ever snob you out.
Like that's what you'd expect from me, like that's what I'm about
"I'll kill you, Fujin. If you leave, I'll kill you. You know I will."
"You're so, fucking dumb, Seifer. If I want to kill you, you know that I would do it the instant you turned your back. Stop worrying like a girl. You won't feel the blades of my pinwheel in your neck."
"We are a posse…It's not easy to get out of one…"
"Bullshit. I'm going and that's it. If you want to have a little fun I dare you to get off your drunken ass and come and kill me. At least that will give the push to take your life. I'm not scared to die. But you are terrified to die because you know no one will want to remember you."
"Bitch."
"Coward."
"You can't leave me…I don't know what to do without you…I don't know who I am…"
"Keep on being the same damn jerk, Seifer. That is all you have ever been. That's why I'm leaving you…"
Yep, that was basically it. Seifer threatened her like the coward he was that night. But he was drunk so she really didn't take to the intimidation. Though his speak was slurred with the heavy drink the anger and hatred behind his words rang through. That stung like fire. The truth was finally out with the liquor going in. He hated her. Whenever he would talk to her he was sure to keep his emotions well in check. He was never eager to show them. Emotions could ruin a man and it certainly ruined Seifer Almasy that night. He wore his heart on his sleeve and showed her how vulnerable and afraid he was with her leaving. Threats or not, he was a scared boy once more, cowering in the corner, praying that his mother would come back to chase away the demons. Threats were the only way his drunken mind thought to show her how much she meant to him. Gotta love a man like that.
It's so much easier to stay down there guaranteeing you're cool
Than to sit up here exposing myself trying to break through
Than to burn in the spotlight, turn in the spitfire
Seifer was always the one to save face. Fujin, at first, lost some of her intimidating power when she left the power of the posse. People no longer wanted to fear her. They actually wanted to get to know her better. In order to go, she gave up her authority to become that ruthless monster that people were so afraid of. Weak like a newborn and defenseless she started her life anew, without power, without homage, without respect, without all those things. She was exposed. But that was her decision to give up her supremacy so that she could be able to live a normal life at Garden.
Scream without making a sound, be up here and not look down
Because we're all afraid of heights
Yet in returned she was given power and respect and homage from the people that became her friends. She was content. But inside her heart ached to show Seifer and Raijin that same thing but she knew Seifer could never understand that and never asked him to follow her. What she did wasn't cool thing. He didn't want to become vulnerable like she had the first couple of weeks without her power to intimidate. He didn't want the pain. He didn't want to play with fire and stayed far away from the spotlight. He didn't want to be were she was and finally look down and be without the defense the committee gave him. Without defense he didn't have the stronghold to keep himself standing. Without making a sound he would surely fall. He was scared.
I remember the days when I was so eager to satisfy you
And be less then I was just to prove I could walk beside you
Now that I've flown away I see you've chosen to stay behind me
And still you curse the day I decided to stay true to myself
Fujin never went back to the posse. She still talked to Raijin and Seifer even from time to time. But she had a new life now. She was going to school and passed her classes with flying colors. After a while, she came to forgive her past mistakes and innocence. She didn't know any better. In the end Fujin learned to become true to herself.
Why ya hurt me, hurt me, hurt me, hurt me, hurt me, hurt me so,
Leave me down…
(…I like my shit loud and clear on the radio…)
Shit on the radio…shit on the radio…shit on the radio