Irony at its finest
The flowers are beautiful.
The flowers are beautiful which is ironic because she never really liked flowers. Or maybe flowers didn't like her. One way or another, the beautiful display in front of him is hard to ignore. There are yellow roses that symbolize friendship, something everyone knows it's not lacking in their little group. There are red roses that symbolize her courage, and there's not a doubt in anyone's mind about the amount of courage Kensi was known for. There are many other flowers but he's not really in the mood to think about the meaning behind each and every single one of them.
The sun is bright and there are no clouds in the sky.
The sun is bright and there are no clouds in the sky which is also ironic because the sun will never be bright enough for him. The clouds will always be there in his mind. He knows nothing will ever be the same again because his sunshine was gone and nothing could bring it back.
Nothing could bring her back.
He knows it because he tried.
During the painfully long hours she was in the hospital, he did everything he could.
Marty Deeks is not a religious man but he prayed. He didn't know how to do so but he did the best he could. Someone told him he didn't need to know how to pray. He'd saved many people so far. God ought to know who he was and that was enough.
It wasn't enough, clearly.
He wouldn't be standing here if it'd been enough to bring her back to him.
He sat by her side during the eight hours she was in a coma. He held her hand and begged her to come back to him. He cried. But, as fate would have it, his tears weren't enough. His begging wasn't enough. His presence wasn't enough. She didn't come back to him.
That's also ironic because he was the one who promised not to get killed. She never made such a promise and he never thought she would be the first one to go.
Kensi was wonder woman.
Wonder woman doesn't die. Or at least wonder woman shouldn't die.
But she did.
She did and a piece of him died with her.
The doctor's words still echo in his mind, long after he heard them. There was nothing we could do. I'm sorry for your loss.
There was nothing they could do. He tries to wrap his mind around that. Doctors spend years studying and a small fortune to become doctors.
What kind of waste is that if they couldn't even save the love of his life?
Yes, because there are many things he can doubt in his life but that's not one of them.
Kensi was, is, the love of his life.
She was the one.
And, damn it, she left before he could tell her. It's not fair. But, then again, life isn't fair. And this just might be his fault. He never told her how much she meant to him when he could and now it's too damn late. For some reason, he can picture her laughing at him, mocking him for feeling this way.
She always acknowledged their thing. He was the one who never did. Better yet, he was the one who never had the guts to act upon it. Because he was well aware that there was a thing. He wasn't stupid enough to think otherwise.
He remembers their last conversation and hopes he'll never forget the sweet smile on her face or her voice. That would be as painful as losing her. They were in her car, running surveillance on their suspects. Callen and Sam were in Sam's car, across the street.
Everything seemed calm and she was relaxed, eating a chocolate and refusing to share with him.
"Come on, I just want one bite. Don't be mean, partner."
"Hey, you know I need my chocolate."
"I do but you know how annoying I can be when I don't get what I want."
And, for some reason, she rolls her eyes and hands him another entire chocolate. "Here, just because I'm feeling nice today."
He smiles at her and starts eating with a small smile on his face. "You're always nice."
Kensi shrugs. "Yeah, I am. But, if it makes you feel better, you're the nicest person I know."
"I'm not nice to everyone…that's saved for the people I care about."
Kensi gives him a big smile and opens her mouth to speak but doesn't have the chance to because it all starts changing right then and there.
Looking back, it wasn't a bad last conversation. He wished he'd told her he loved her.
The truth is that he did.
He told her he loved her more than life itself.
He told her he loved her more than surfing.
He told her he loved her more than anything in the world.
He's just not sure she heard him. She was in a coma, at the time. Still, he'd had to get it out of his chest.
Kensi Marie Blye
Beloved daughter, friend and partner
Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.
That's the understatement of the century, he feels. Love leaves more than just a memory. Love leaves a deep pain nothing will ever be able to heal. He doesn't know what hurts the most. It's a tie between losing her and between losing her without ever telling her how he really felt about his 'thing'.
The funeral is almost over when it's his turn to say something about her. So he clears his throat and looks around. Everyone's there. Callen is sitting next to her mother. Sam is sitting with his wife. Hetty, Nate, Eric and Nell are on the second row of chairs. People he's never even saw are there (her mother's friends, her friends, her father's old buddies).
Everyone looks sad. Most people are crying or have cried recently.
He knows they're waiting for him to say something. He didn't really practice anything so he's going to speak from the heart. "I'm an idiot."
He pauses and looks at her picture before taking a deep breathing and continuing. "The day I became her partner, she told me she wasn't interest in a drive-by partner. I didn't understand what she meant by that. I thought she was mocking me or something. I get it now. She didn't want a partner that would only be there for a short period of time. She wants a partner that could last a lifetime. She made me promise, recently, that I wouldn't die on her…that I wouldn't let myself get killed. Ironically, she was the one who should have made such a promise."
Deeks wipes away a tear that managed to escape and proceeds. "I loved her. No, that's a lie. I love her. I love her and I always will. She was the most amazing woman I've ever met. She was everything to me and I don't think she knew that. I'm an idiot because I never told her how much I loved her, how much she meant to me. And now it's too late."
He takes another deep breath and finishes. "I will miss her and that's all I can say."
With that, he goes back to his chair and the funeral carries on.
Three hours later, someone rings his doorbell. He opens it and finds Kensi's mother on the other side. He invites her in but she refuses, says she just wanted to hand him something Kensi left for him. Deeks grabs the letter she hands him and she leaves.
So, if you're reading this, I'm death. Yeah, it sucks. But I don't want you to be upset. Deeks, I lived. Sure, I probably would want some more time but I've had a good life. I didn't have an easy life but I had a good life. The team is my family. I've been surrounded with family ever since I joined NCIS. That's a good life, no matter what everyone says. I was happy.
I know you, though, and that knowledge won't be enough for you. You'll probably drown yourself in guilt. But I need you to know something.
I knew. I knew you loved me. I'm a woman. The woman always knows…trust me!
I want you to know that it's okay. You can move on. You can smile, laugh and live your life knowing that I loved you and knowing I knew you loved me back.
Never forget me because I will do my best to always remember you.
I love you, Marty.
Forever yours,
Kensi
He puts the letter on a frame, not wanting to ruin it.
As it turns out, he doesn't move on.
He becomes Callen and that's okay.
It's okay because he can say he was loved once. He can say he loved someone once and that never actually stopped.
Life as a funny way to show you what you're meant to do and has an even funnier way to make you follow that path.
Years later, when he takes the place that once belonged to Hetty, he finally understands the old woman. She wasn't a magician who could guess everything. She just had much more experience that all of them put together.
It's his experience that makes him look at two elements of his team, one day, and realize they have a thing. It's his experience that makes him tell them his story.
And it's because of his experience that the two agents end up getting married a few months later.
And, for the first time in years, the sun is slightly bright and the sky is a little less cloudy.
AN: A month ago my grandfather passed away. Yesterday, I started thinking about a lot of things and, to take my mind out of it, I decided to write this one-shot. I know it's slightly depressing and not what you're used to see from me but this is what I came up with. Let me know what you think.
Love,
Sarah