Once again I misplaced the disclaimer saying that I don't own any GI Joe characters. I guess people are wondering how my version of Cobra Commander became an alcoholic. No? Seriously? Well I'm going to answer this question anyway how Cobra Commander became…
Mad As A Drunken Mongoose.
"Another day at sea, another reason to slit my wrists," Destro grumbled as he walked into the lounge area of the ship. He saw The Baroness, Mindbender and the Crimson Twins sitting around on chairs and sofas reading various magazines.
"Oh don't all get up and help," Destro said sarcastically. "I'll just pilot this ship all on my own."
"Destro we all know this ship has an autopilot," The Baroness sighed in a bored tone. "I think your burden is not as great as you imagine."
"It would just be nice to have some actual help running this Cruise of the Damned," Destro snapped. "Where's Cobra Commander?"
"Not here," Tomax said as he did a crossword puzzle.
"I can see that," Destro glared at him. "I was wondering if any of you were aware of his whereabouts on this vessel. I realize now that getting any assistance from you lot is about as likely as a Dreadnok getting a college diploma in Personal Hygiene."
"Trust us, Destro…" Xamot sighed.
"You don't want to know," Tomax added.
"And not knowing will make life a little easier," Xamot finished.
"Don't tell me Cobra Commander is waging war on seagulls again?" Destro moaned.
"Okay we won't tell you," The Baroness smirked.
ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!
"COME DOWN HERE AND FIGHT LIKE MEN YOU STUPID BIRDS!" Cobra Commander was heard screaming.
"Oh God…" Destro moaned putting his right hand on his head, indicating a whopper of a headache.
"DIE! DIE! DIE YOU WINGED RATS DIE!" Cobra Commander was heard screaming and the sound of more laser fire was heard. "AAAAH! GET OFF! GET OFF! AAAHHH!"
"Why does he insist on taking out his frustrations on seagulls?" Destro moaned.
"Again, the less we know…." Tomax began.
"The better we sleep at night," Xamot nodded.
The cabin door opened with a slam. Cobra Commander stood there covered in feathers and his uniform was ripped. "I need a drink and I need one now!" He bellowed.
"Oh yes, Commander," The Baroness said sarcastically. "You've only had five thirty minutes ago! It's not even noon yet."
"Listen woman! I've had a bad morning and I'm covered with bird crap!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Let's see how long you stay sober after a seagull attack!"
"You realize Cobra Commander if you didn't insist on attacking the seagulls in the first place…" Destro began.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah! I need a drink!" Cobra Commander started looking around for one.
"Relax Commander I made a fresh batch this morning," Mindbender pulled a bottle out of a nearby drawer.
"Made a batch? You made moonshine?" The Baroness was stunned.
"Technically this isn't really moonshine. More like just plain shine," Mindbender shrugged.
"What exactly is in this just plain shine?" Tomax asked.
"Sea water with a little this and that and some tweaking," Mindbender shrugged.
"Well whatever it is I am taking it!" Cobra Commander grabbed the bottle. "And I need another pill Mindbender!"
"Another pill?" Destro asked.
"I've only had one this morning!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Cut me some slack!"
"Let me guess, Mindbender is making up these pills too?" Destro groaned as Cobra Commander opened the slot in his helmet to take the pill and drink from the bottle.
"Well he has to do something useful around here," Cobra Commander snapped. He hiccupped. "Oooh, it's got a kick."
"I know a few people who deserve a kick," The Baroness grumbled under her breath.
"Commander, do I really have to remind you again that alcohol and pills are not a good combination?" Destro moaned. "Especially homemade alcohol and pills made by Dr. Mindbender?"
"Yes the regular stuff is dangerous enough," Tomax frowned.
"Who knows what that quack put in there?" Xamot pointed to Mindbender.
"Oh sure," Mindbender glared at them. "I'm a quack now. But when you need me to heal your burns, patch up your broken bones or give you medicine for your various venereal diseases I'm your best friend!"
"You're not even our third best friend," Cobra Commander scoffed. "The only reason we tolerate you is that you work cheap and no one else stayed around."
"Well then I guess you don't need this follow up pill I was going to give you…" Mindbender sniffed as he pulled a small pill box out of his pocket.
"Buddy!" Cobra Commander spread out his arms. "Pal! Come on old buddy of mine, don't you know I'm just busting your chops? That's what best buds do!"
"That's what I thought," Mindbender smirked. "Give me a hug."
"Fine," Cobra Commander said in a forced chipper voice as Mindbender stood up and hugged him. Cobra Commander reluctantly hugged him back.
"This is by far the most pathetic thing I have ever seen in my life," Destro groaned.
"Hey! I get very little human contact as it is! I'll take what I can get," Mindbender snapped as he pulled away from Cobra Commander. "Here's your pill Commander." He took the pill out of the pillbox and gave it to Cobra Commander.
"Still worth it," Cobra Commander shrugged and used the opening in his mask to take the pill as well as another swig of homemade alcohol. "Well now I'm going to think up another plot."
"Another plot for world domination?" Destro asked.
"No this time it's a plot to rid the world of seagulls," Cobra Commander turned and went to walk out of the room.
However instead he walked into the wall right next to the door. "OW! I…meant to do that," Cobra Commander grumbled as he went out the door.
"He's getting worse isn't he?" Tomax groaned.
"I'm afraid so," Xamot sighed.
"Please tell me we don't have to do another damned intervention," Destro moaned.
"I hope not," Xamot frowned.
"We all barely survived the last one," Tomax agreed.
"Why Torch thought it was a good idea to bring a flame thrower to an intervention is beyond me," Mindbender agreed.
"Why anyone thought that bringing Torch to an intervention period is beyond me," Destro grumbled.
"You know I don't remember the Commander drinking so much in the early years of our association with him," The Baroness frowned.
"There's a reason for that," Destro said. "In the beginnings of Cobra the Commander never drank alcohol at all. Claimed his superior mind needed complete and total clarity."
"Putting aside the fact that Cobra Commander is as mad as a drunken mongoose in a rubber snake factory…" Xamot began.
"And his brain has as much clarity as mud," Tomax added.
"What happened?" The Twins asked as one.
"Well after the incident with the Mass Device and him escaping from GI Joe custody one of his subordinates suggested that he take a drink of wine to calm his nerves," Destro explained. "Surprisingly the Commander decided to take a drink instead of shooting him."
"And then what happened?" The Baroness asked.
"The Weather Dominator and Pyramid of Darkness schemes failed," Destro sighed. "And I may have mentioned to Cobra Commander that sometimes after a failure of an enterprise I occasionally have a glass of brandy or some hard liquor to help me relax and unwind."
"I think I see where this is going," The Baroness winced. "He took your advice didn't he?"
"A little too well I'm afraid. By the time the incident in Chicago with the giant vegetables rolled around the Commander was ordering liquor by the case," Destro said. "In the middle of the nineties by the truckload!"
"Well no wonder the man is an alcoholic!" The Baroness snapped. "Having a drink every time Cobra failed would turn any man into a lush!"
"I know I've been drinking more since that time period. What I don't understand is when did the pills come into play?" Destro grumbled.
"Oh I can answer that one," Dr. Mindbender held up his hand. "After Cobra Commander changed back from a snake to a man he was having some minor aches and pains. Something about not being used to having legs and arms again. Anyway it started harmlessly enough with some mild sedatives to help him sleep at night."
"So what happened?" Destro asked.
"Remember that game the Dreadnoks cooked up around the Spring of 92?" Mindbender asked.
"Throw the Hammer and Hit Something?" Destro raised an eyebrow. "I'm aware of it."
"How could anyone forget it?" The Baroness groaned. "They trashed half the Terror Dome with it and my office!"
"Mine as well," Destro sighed. "That's when the two of us decided to take that nice relaxing assignment in the Middle East."
"Well while you were gone the Dreadnoks played a particularly rousing game with some very large hammers," Mindbender sighed. "Long story short…Cobra Commander got involved in the game by accident and lost."
"Oh…" Destro winced.
"To put it lightly he was not a happy camper," Mindbender said. "And there were a lot of other casualties that day including three of my lab assistants."
"They got hit with hammers too?" Xamot asked.
"No, they got attacked by my latest genetic mutant project," Mindbender shrugged. "On the up side two of them weren't really working out anyway and the third turned out to be a British spy so…"
"So what happened?" The Baroness prodded.
"It was a very busy day and I was shorthanded," Mindbender explained. "And I accidentally gave the Commander a different drug. A very strong drug. And by the time I figured it out he was doing the samba down the hall and singing about some girl named Louise."
"Oh…" Destro frowned.
"Again on the up side he was a lot less prone to shooting people on the drug and nicer to me," Mindbender said. "And I really needed more funding for some new lab assistants and genetic slicers so I figured why not keep the Commander in a good mood?"
"And get something for yourself while you were at it," Tomax folded his arms.
"Oh like none of you would have done that in a heartbeat?" Mindbender snapped. "Don't judge me!"
"We're not," Destro sighed. "We're just wondering why we didn't think of that?"
"I do! Getting Cobra Commander hooked on semi legal prescription medication is dangerous! Especially with his genetic makeup!" The Baroness said.
"I was careful with the dosage and experimented over the years to find just the right cocktail to make him happy and get me a new positron modulator," Mindbender waved.
"That would explain some of the uniforms he wore during the 90's," Xamot looked at his brother.
"And he never figured out you were drugging him?" Tomax asked.
"Oh he figured it out years ago, but by that time he was getting such a buzz off it he didn't care," Mindbender shrugged. "In fact he ordered me to up his dosage. What was I supposed to do? He wanted to be happy and I needed some new lab equipment."
"You and Conrad Murray would get along like a house on fire," Destro groaned.
"Hey! I'm not the one who turned him into an alcoholic," Mindbender pointed out. "Besides he's fine!"
"I feel pretty…Oh so pretty…" Cobra Commander staggered back into the room singing. Over his uniform he was wearing a green and pink floral dress and had a sunbonnet over his helmet. "I feel pretty and witty and briiiiiggght! And I pity any snake who's not me tonight!"
All the Cobra's jaws dropped in unison at the sight of their not so fearless leader. "I feel slithery! I feel stunning! I feel slithery stunning and bright!" Cobra Commander sang as he twirled around and then out of the room. "And I pity any fool who crosses my path tonight!"
"That does not look like fine to me!" Destro shouted.
"Okay that's a new one," Mindbender blinked. "Better remember what that combination does in the future. Better change the dosage."
"You think?" Tomax snapped at him.
"Remind me to never ask you for an aspirin," Xamot groaned.
"Where did he get the dress?" The Baroness asked.
"It's not yours?" Destro asked.
"No," The Baroness blinked. "I've never seen it before."
"If it's not yours then…" Destro stopped. He looked at Mindbender with the rest of the Cobras.
"Why are you all looking at me like that?" Mindbender snapped. "Why do you all assume that the dress belongs to me?"
"Does it?" Destro raised an eyebrow.
"Yes!" Mindbender snapped. "But that doesn't mean you should all jump to conclusions! It's not what you think!"
"Oh really?" Destro gave him a look.
"It's not for me," Mindbender protested. "I have been doodling in my mutation equation book and well…Let's just say that if I happen to make a female mutant with green or pink skin I have something for her to wear."
"Oh God," Destro put his hand on his head, indicating a headache. "It was what I thought!"
"It's not like I was planning to wear it!" Mindbender snapped.
"I almost wish you were," The Baroness groaned. "Considering your track record of making dates for yourself."
"Especially the orange one with the tentacles," Destro groaned.
"Will you people stop bringing up Louise every freaking time my personal life comes up?" Mindbender snapped.
"Kind of hard not to," The Baroness said. "It's such a great story of how pathetic it is."
"All right…" Mindbender waved.
"Mad Scientist creates monster for date," The Baroness went on. "Monster trashes the Cobra Christmas party and makes out with half the people there. Monster then leaves Mad Scientist for something better. Mad Scientist pleads on his knees for her to take him back…"
"Yes, yes we all know how it ended! That's enough!" Mindbender interrupted.
"Wait I thought Louise was the one who spit acid on the Head of Accounting?" Xamot asked.
"No, you're thinking of Isabelle," Tomax corrected him. "And that wasn't at a Christmas party. That was at a New Year's Eve Party.1993 I believe."
"Oh yes," Xamot nodded. "You're right brother."
"Easy to confuse those two," The Baroness said. "They were both orange."
"Look we really have to do something about Cobra Commander," Destro said. "I refuse to be led by the Lindsey Lohan of terrorism."
"AAAAH! BIRDS! GET OFF ME BIRDS!" Cobra Commander was heard screaming. "AAAAAH!"
"I think even Lindsey Lohan would be a step up from Cobra Commander," The Baroness groaned.
"The seagulls are a step up from Cobra Commander," Destro told her. "They actually win their battles!"