"The Date Match."
By: Careless Dreamer
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Host: Hello contestants and welcome to the Date Match. In case you haven't watched the show before. we have one young lady that gets to ask the bachelors a series of questions that they have to answer and then she chooses her date. Let's learn a little bit about the young lady.
Young Lady: Hello, my name is Relena Peacecraft from the Sanc Kingdom. I am a pacifist and feel violence solves nothing, although I have to be repeatedly saved by people doing violent things. My theory on pacifism came from a Japanese guy. The Japanese would obviously like pacifism, because their scrawny little army has no hope of being able to influence another country and probably won't be able to protect itself. So, all the Japanese can hope for is peace. My ideals often contradict each other and I sometimes feel the urge to shout across the ocean, "[Name] come and get me, I'm right here. So come and kill err- destroy me." I also abandoned my mother after I told her, "You're my real mother, you'll always be my real mother." But I got bored with her. I have a really big vocabulary that I can't make fun or imitate because I ain't that smart in the noggin'. I just confuse people with my verbose conversations. I always say if there's a really big word that nobody knows and a shorter one works better, use the bigger one and you'll sound smart. I enjoy being nice, helping others, being a principal of a school, even though I have no teaching on principaling skills, and baking brownies. Oh yeah, I'm also sinking rich.
Host: Okay that was a good bit more than a little. Now let's learn about the bachelors. Let's start off with Bachelor #1.
Bachelor #1: I enjoy the beauty of war and believe that human blood must be spilled and war has no meaning with Mobile Dolls. If war is played out with Mobile Dolls, then war will become nothing more than a game for when people have wars. They all see the death and regret it a little and will have peace for a while, but with the Mobile Dolls there is no sorrow after a war. I believe that stopping Mobile Dolls is right, and that it should be done. [[His voice changes from a really dramatic tone into a laid-back lazy voice.]] I don't really care enough to do it myself; I'll just get Lady Une to do it. That way I can take more baths with rose fragrance. By the way, I only except really loyal girlfriends that spend their whole life trying to do what I want, because I don't like to tell people directly. I just gave orders to attack like, "Lets just keep on fighting and winning." I didn't even know what that meant, but Lady Une did. Speaking of Lady Une we're still going steady. Man, she's going to be really mad if she sees this on TV. Anyway, my hobbies are: confusing people, giving long and confusing speeches on the beauty of war or the terribleness of Mobile Dolls, getting my girlfriend shot, memorizing people who have died for me, building up an empire and then causing it split up, and making a Mobile Suit I can't pilot.
Host: Well all right... [[to himself]] I guess we've really had all the good bachelors on the show.
Relena: Didn't you order Lady Une to kill me and my father?
Bachelor #1: [[annoyed]] How should I know? I can't remember all the people I tell Lady Une to kill, gees.
Host: [[interrupting Bachelor #1]] Bachelor #2?
Bachelor #2: I will kill you.
Relena: What?!
Bachelor #2: Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot this was the afternoon show and not the midnight run. I meant, I will destroy you. Also, I was bred for battle or something like that. I have all these superhuman abilities and I end up being the heart of the universe for some strange reason. Oops, I wasn't supposed to say that either. Quatre came up with that heart thing, ah, I mean Bachelor #3... AHHH! That was even stupider. I'm Japanese, so I have a lot of strange beliefs with war and honor that don't make a lot of sense but aren't as strange as Bachelor #4. I try to be really cold at all times, and I hate women. I also tell people that the only way to live a good life is to act on their emotions. I don't know what that means because you may want to kill err- destroy people sometimes, but if you did you would spend the rest of your life in jail. That wouldn't be a good life, and what if you want to drink anti-freeze because you hear it tastes sweet? That would definitely not be good. Another thing I say is my only enemies are the people that stand before me with the intention to kill me, but at the same time I consider Zechs and Treize my enemies, even when I'm not fighting them. My hobbies are being mean, killing err- destroying people, not being a principal without a permit, and leaving brownies to ruin. I can also pop a broken leg back in place.
Host: [[sarcastically]] Well, what did you about him? A real dreamboat, eh?
Relena: Yes, I love him. Let's go on the date right now!
Host: What?! [[He falls out of his chair and gets back up regaining his senses]] Ahhh, Bachelor #3?
Bachelor #3: You shouldn't be fighting at all.
Host: [[to himself]] Not another nut.
Bachelor #3: Oops, I didn't mean to say that. I had a little accident with Wing Zero, but besides that I'm sane. I am the only son of the richest guy in the colonies, and I have twenty-something sisters. I am kind to everyone and love animals. I've never done anything mean to anyone, except when in the Wing Zero. I enjoy being nice, helping others, playing a musical instrument, and going for walks on the beach.
Host: [[thinking]] Great, he's almost sane and seems nice. He's the best yet.
Relena: I like Bachelor #2.
Host: [[under his breath]] Weirdo! [[out loud]] Bachelor #4, what would you say?
Bachelor #4: My name is Wu-err- Bachelor #4; I'm not hiding anywhere.
Host: [[having just about enough]] That's good. [[to himself]] I hate my job!
Bachelor #4: [[in his weird over-dramatic voice]] The weak should not fight.
Host: [[interrupting]] Why do you say that?
Bachelor #4: Be quiet weakling.
Host: [[complies]]
Bachelor #4: It was wrong to steal Nataku's power. The weak should not pilot it. Although, when I lost to Treize-err- I mean Bachelor #1, I lost to someone stronger than me. So, if you think about it, since I was weak compared to him, then I shouldn't have been fighting. When I lost, I shouldn't have gotten back in and piloted Nataku. When I fought Noin, I said I hate battling people wear than I, but all of Oz's weapons are weaker than I, so should I not fight Oz? Also, I once said I can fight when I know I am fighting for the right cause. Doesn't that kind of negate everything I said earlier? And what if I were damaged in the middle of a battle where we had the same strength, that would mean I was weaker and I shouldn't be fighting. However, if I were fighting for the right cause, would I be able to keep fighting? And if I damaged the enemy then I wouldn't want to fight them. Ahhh, to heck with it, I'm gonna go and get a job at McDonalds and not have to confuse myself. Oh, and by the way, I'm gay.
Host: [[his nerves just snapped]] Then why are you on the show?
Bachelor #4: I don't know, I was bored... [[to himself]] heck ya, I was bored that's why I said I was gay when I'm really not... it's just so I could see how you would take it.
Host: [[screaming]] Security, show this man to the ally!
[[Bachelor #4 is about to beat them up but has to consider if they are weaker, stronger, or the same. So the security guys are able to throw him in the ally with him still contemplating who was stronger.]]
Host: [[near tears]] Bachelor #5, would you say something about yourself that isn't confusing?
Bachelor #5: The God of Death-err- afternoon show, forgot, the Great Destroyer will tell you everything you want to know. As the only American on the show, I think I do a good job of showing America as a place where people have fun. Although I look a little fruity with this ponytail and I know I have the only Priest's collar on. But in a nutshell, I may run and hide but I never tell a lie, only stretch the truth sometimes... oops. No one knows what that means, but it sounds neat. I wear all black for some weird reason and I must be ugly, because Lady Une said if he's ugly let him live, if he looks good kill him because the people might feel sorry for him. Since I'm alive, I must be pretty ugly. I'm always smiling and often laugh. I like to play practical jokes, read joke books, and have my hair done at saloons.
Host: Okay, next. [[to himself]] Good, not so confusing.
Bachelor #6: Hello. People often say I'm cold, but you know what? I can't help that. When I was a young boy, I watched the Binki the clown special for seventy-two hours straight. I mean I watched the entire thing. So now I've completely run out of a sense of humor and have become very cold. Oh, and my hobbies are throwing rocks at sheds and lighting things on fire.
Host: [[confused by the story]] Yeah, take all kinds. Anyway, Bachelor #7.
Bachelor #7: I would like to say--
Relena: Is that you Milliardo?
Bachelor #7: Well, kinda, today I'm Zechs.
Relena: Yeah, but still you're my brother, so this is kinda weird.
Bachelor #7: Yeah, you're right. I always thought the two characters in one was confusing; anyway, I got a date with Noin.
Relena: Yeah, sure, see you later.
[[Bachelor #7 walks off stage.]]
Host: [[even more confused]] That didn't make much sense, but anyway, now yo can ask some questions.
Relena: First question, what would your first gift be to me?
Bachelor #1: I would destroy the evil of the world and triumph for good. Well, you know what I mean, I would get Lady Une to do it.
Bachelor #2: I would destroy you.
Relena: You're so funny.
Bachelor #3: I would bring you a dozen roses made out of gold, all pocket change to me.
Bachelor #5: I would put a whoopee cushion in you chair and let you keep it.
Bachelor #6: I don't do gifts.
Relena: Second question, what type of topping do you like on your ice cream?
Bachelor #1: I don't know Lady Une fixes mine.
Bachelor #2: I will destroy--did you say ice cream? Ooo, I love ice cream. I like those little blue berries that you used to be able to get at TCBY, but, you know, they got bought out. Their ice cream really, really stunk. You couldn't get near it. It was so terrible, I would buy the blue berries and put them on blue bell ice cream. Ahhh, no, I've shown my weak side!
[[Bachelor #2 hits the self destruct button in his pocket. This time when he hit the button, it pops out balloons. Bachelor #5 beings to laugh.]]
Bachelor #2: You little punk! You tampered with my explosives! That was humiliating!
Bachelor #5: [[manages to talk while laughing]] They were supposed to say, "Surprise," on the balloons, but all I could find was, "Happy Birthday."
Relena: [[trying to stop the fighting]] Bachelor #2, that was sweet about how you liked the ice cream. Don't be embarrassed.
[[Bachelor #2 turns redder.]]
Bachelor #3: I get all the toppings rich people like me can afford that--
Bachelor #5: [[interrupts shouting excitedly]] I like multi-colored sprinkles!
Bachelor #6: Ice cream hurts my teeth. They're very sensitive because of my coffee addiction.
Relena: Third question, where would you take me on a first date?
Bachelor #1: Wherever Lady Une drives us.
Bachelor #2: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't want to say anything, I might embarrass myself again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bachelor #3: The most expensive restaurant in town because I'm so darn rich.
Bachelor #5: We would go to Chuckie Cheese!
Bachelor #6: I don't like public places.
Relena Fourth question, would you save me from a burning building, if it meant risking your life?
Bachelor #1: Of course, well Lady Une would rescue you.
Bachelor #2: !!!! Well of course not, I want you to be destroyed!
Bachelor #3: I would call my personal fire department. I own several.
Bachelor #5: My mother said don't play with fire.
Bachelor #6: If I felt like it at the time.
Relena: Last question, what is your job?
Bachelor #1: Leader of Oz or something, I can't remember exactly.
Bachelor #2: I destroy people.
Bachelor #3: I'm a rich guy.
Bachelor #5: I'm the Great Destroyer.
Bachelor #6: I'm a clown.
Host: [[very bored by now]] Okay, pick your date.
Relena: Bachelor #2.
Host: [[eyes popped out of his head]] Whatever, okay, join us next week for Date Match.
The End