"Reclaiming the past."
By: Careless Dreamer
Chapter One
"Before I say goodbye."
By: Careless Dreamer
The shuttle ride to L2 was the longest of Hilde's life. Each moment chipped away at her chances of reaching Duo before it was too late. A small voice in the quiet of her heart dared ask "Too late for what?" To say goodbye? No, Duo couldn't die. She wouldn't let it happen. To have come so far, to have survived the war, only to lose Duo now... She refused to accept the possibility; death could not take the one who was so alive.
The hospital was like any other - cold, sterile and soulless. White walls and blank faces hiding deep wells of pain and suffering... Hilde hated hospitals for that very reason - soul-killing emotions - fear and regret, sometimes even guilt and remorse, seem to resound off the very walls, echoing endlessly like reflections in opposing glass mirrors...
Her footsteps echoed hollowly, each step bringing her closer to Duo. It simply wasn't the time to let the past get in the way of the future, especially not when Duo's life hung in the balance.
The Chinese man was in the ICU, slumped down in a chair by the bed, and he looked up wearily as Hilde walked in.
"You're here," he observed simply, seeming not at all surprised.
He rose, a token gesture of politeness, then his gaze followed Hilde's down to the pale figure lying so still on the bed. Alive... yet so close to death...
A multitude of tubes ran in and out of the pale, still body; pumping blood, nutrients, fluids and medicines into Duo's veins, pushing oxygen into Duo's lungs, extracting wastes from a body that could no longer respond to external stimuli. More dead than alive....
The lovely, elfin face was badly bruised and swollen almost beyond recognition, his head heavily bandaged, his long, glorious gold-streaked, chestnut mane... gone...
"They had to shave it off to take care of his head injury," Wufei said quietly, somehow understanding the raw disbelief that crept into Hilde's eyes. Duo's ever-present braid that had seemed as permanent, as eternal as the earth itself... now gone... an intimate, cruel violation...
Hilde reached out to gently touch Duo's hand, unnerved by its coldness and its pallor... so lifeless. She did not even dare pick up Duo's hand and hold it to her cheek like she so wanted to in case she disturbed the complex system of tubes entering the thin veins that stood out starkly against the now translucent skin.
"How is he?"
"Barely holding on, even with life support," Wufei's voice was calm, steady... and so distant that it was like listening to an automaton repeat a series of horrifying facts.
Duo... so cold and silent... the slow and horrifyingly irregular blips on the machine monitoring Duo's heart rate the only proof that Duo lived still. Barely...
"What happened?"
"He pushed a little girl and her puppy out of the way of an out-of-control trailer, and got hit instead."
How frightening - so very cold and dead - Wufei's voice sounded, even to Hilde.
"He went flying... The broken bones will heal. The internal injuries and the brain damage are much less certain. He may regain consciousness if the swelling goes down, if it doesn't, then he may die without ever coming out of the coma."
"What are the doctors doing?"
"Waiting," Wufei replied with devastating simplicity. "They've done everything they can. All we can do now is wait..."
Wait?! Wait and watch this beautiful one die slowly? But how... surely the doctors could do something... anything to keep Duo alive until... Until...
Until what, Hilde, her oft-believed dead conscience demanded. Until you find the courage to face up to what you've always known but refused to acknowledge - that Duo means more than life to you?
He does not! The line of Hilde's jaw tightened, as did her grip on Duo's lifeless fingers. He means nothing to me. I do not need Duo! She swallowed hard, then turned away to avoid looking at her dying friend.
Seeing Duo so close to death... it was as if some part deep within her was dying too... she did not think she could bear the stark, aching pain resounding with loss... and in typical form, Hilde retreated away from introspection into the realm of the physical, the realm of things she could touch, things she could control...
Her eyes searched the sterile room, then strayed to the bedside table, to Duo's cell phone, to the blood-splattered envelope under the phone... to her name written on the envelope in Duo's hand. Letting go of Duo's hand, she moved over to the table and picked up the envelope. The seal was intact; she could feel from the thickness of it that there was at least a piece of paper sealed within the envelope.
"For me?" she held out the envelope, as if asking for permission.
"It's got your name on it," Wufei shrugged uncaringly. "It was in Duo's jacket pocket when he got hit by the trailer."
It explained the blood, Hilde thought as she carefully opened the envelope and extracted the letter, slowly unfolding it - but certainly not the occasional spots of partly blotted ink on the page, as if Duo had accidentally spilled some water on the page...
Dearest Hilde,
Perhaps the only reason I dare write this is because you will never see it. It'll be just like all the other notes I've written... that I will seal in an envelope and take to the post office... place a stamp on it... then drop into a storm drain and let the waters carry it God knows where...
It will be the last, I've promised myself, because you'll be getting married in four days... That's when this hope will officially die. The love will always be there, but you'll never know it now. It's hard to let go, even though it shouldn't be the case. How hard can it be to let go of something you've never had?
I guess I just needed one last chance to express something, get it all out of my system hours before I step on that flight that will take me to your wedding. Can't risk blurting it out and letting my pain get the better of your happiness. Not that you'll leave Alex for me (wouldn't it be wonderful if you did?) but I have no intention of tarnishing your perfect joy. At least this way, I'll still have your friendship.
The friendship that has cost me happiness. I have always, and will always, value your friendship, but sometimes, I wonder whether keeping it was worth the price I will ultimately pay. You don't know I love you because I never told you... because I was afraid to lose your friendship if you did not want to accept my love. It was my decision, Hilde, and I guess I'll always have to live with the consequences of that choice. Was it the right decision? Doesn't matter, I suppose. It's too late now for regrets.
The friendship was fun while it lasted. Remember the insane things I use to do just to get a reaction from you. It's not like that any more between us, and I miss it. Should I be glad we've been living worlds apart for the past two years since the war ended? It gave me time to get over you - except that I probably forgot to send the memo to my heart and it overlooked that small point - so I'm still as much in love with you as I was that day when I first realized that you had become so much more than a friend.
Too late. Yes I know. Perhaps I should have actually sent off one of those earlier notes - to hell with your friendship, what I really wanted was your love... Who knows how things might have worked out then? But it's too late now. If I keep telling myself that, maybe I'll come to believe it too someday.
I really do want you to be happy. I'm sorry it's not with me, but I'm not sorry for you, only for myself. Misery loves company - maybe that's why Miranda and I are so good for each other. No expectations, no hopes, it's a lousy way to live, Hilde... At least it's not that way for you any more...
I'll go to your wedding, stand beside you and watch you pledge your life and love to him, and I'll smile and laugh with the rest of the world. You'll never know my heart is breaking, you'll never know I love you.
I love you, Hilde. I just wanted to say that one last time before I say goodbye.
Forever yours,
Duo
The blots... not water, but tears... Blazing blue eyes never left the letter as she reread the note.
"When did the accident happen?" she asked her Chinese friend, her voice deadly quiet.
Wufei's eyes narrowed.
"Three days ago."
"When exactly?"
"Noon. We were on the way to catch the shuttle for Earth, but Duo wanted to make a quick stop. I was waiting in the car for him; he was crossing the road when the trailer came careening around the corner towards the little girl... that's when it happened... Duo... Duo was on his way to the post office..."
Chapter Two
"Crossroads."
By: Careless Dreamer
"Just go back to Alex."
The suggestion, which sounded more like an order, was given in a cold, flat tone, fury and vehemence lying just beneath the surface - muted, but evident. Hilde hung up the phone, then slowly turned to face Wufei, gearing herself up for another confrontation. As if the one she had just had with Alex over the phone hadn't been enough. She was ready to accept the blame for that. There was simply no excuse for placing Alex in the embarrassing position of having to cancel the wedding; the embarrassment of which would only be partly mitigated by the soon-to-be very public announcement that the bride's best friend had been involved in a terrible accident, and the bride was consequently called away to be with him.
She was however, not willing to deal with Wufei's hostility, not now... not when Duo's very presence shrieked for all her attention.
"Duo needs me."
"I think you've done quite enough for Duo," Wufei corrected, dark eyes ablaze, his lips set into a thin line. "All this happened... because of you."
Quatre took a step forward - his handsome face distressed - and ready to intervene, to play the peacemaker as he usually did, but Trowa reached out and gently touched his arm. Quatre glanced over at his friend, and the taller man shook his head slightly. Let them be. This was something Wufei and Hilde would have to sort out on their own... Quatre hesitated. Trowa insisted gently. Communication passed between them, stronger than words, yet profound in its silence, then Quatre stepped back and stood beside Trowa, his blue eyes shuttling anxiously back and forth between Hilde and Wufei as they argued.
Wufei's words had struck a hurting, deeply aching part of her, and Hilde lashed back, dark eyes flashing fire.
"If I am responsible for his condition, then his recovery is also my responsibility. But you have no right to decide who stays or who goes!"
A split second of silence as Hilde's words sunk in... Then the tension exploded in a rush of raw, angry emotion.
"How dare you cheapen our friendship!" Wufei shouted, utterly furious now.
His hands curled into fists, and he seemed to be holding himself back only through a sheer act of the will.
"Duo and I are friends, nothing more. We share the apartment - that is all! Sometimes we talk, hold each other when the loneliness becomes too much to bear alone. But we are not lovers! Did you think we are desperate enough to just settle for the first warm body that comes along?! We're both in love with people who can't return our love. At least Meiran has an excuse - she's dead! What the hell is your excuse, Hilde?"
Hilde found herself with her back against the wall and no recollection of ever taking those steps. The expression never slipped, but there was something in the dark eyes... a sudden flare of emotion that could have been almost anything before all light vanished back into those damnably dark depths.
"Duo... never told me."
The voice was a dead, dull monotone.
"You must not need eyes then," Wufei retorted.
An argument was better than doing what he really wanted to do, which was to bash the brains out of Hilde's pretty - and obviously empty - head.
"Has it only been blatantly obvious to everyone but you?! Duo has all but thrown himself at you, but you chose to ignore him; you chose to ignore his presence, disregard his conversation, dismiss his affection like his life meant nothing at all to you. He gave his love and his body to you, but you walked out on him two years ago. You never looked back; at the very least you could have given him the dignity of an explanation! It took you twenty three months to finally call him - for twenty three months you left him hanging, not knowing what he had done to drive you away, not knowing what to do to bring you back - and damn you to whatever hell will have you, when you finally call, you ask him to come to your wedding."
Wufei was shouting now - anger, hurt and pain in his voice. Trowa had, at some point in Wufei's impassioned tirade, prudently moved to stand beside Wufei, and it turned out to be a particularly wise move, for by the end of that outburst, he was holding Wufei back, keeping the Chinese pilot from leaping for Hilde's throat. Wufei gave only a token attempt to yank away from Trowa's restraining hands, but the glare he fixed on Hilde was murderous.
"Do you have a soul? Do you have a heart - can you feel anything at all, you cold, unfeeling bitch?! Do you have any idea what it was like for me to see Duo force smiles and laughter for two years when I knew deep inside he was dying? Duo never came out and said the words - could you blame him for holding back - but how could you have missed everything else when it was as obvious as the very light of day?!"
Was it?! Quatre nodded slowly, Trowa inclined his head in assent. Hilde stared at them in disbelief. They agreed with Wufei?!
"Don't you...?"
"Do you remember that one moment in time when you realized...?"
~~ooO@Ooo~~
[[ Two years ago, shortly after the end of the war ]]
"Hilde, sit still!" It's not often that Duo's voice is this sharp.
"Duo -" I protest, unable to complete the sentence or look at him. My body is tense, coiled so tightly that it's painful to me more so, even, than the dozens of shards of glass that are now embedded in my skin.
"I know you can, baka. I don't think you'll have any trouble getting a few glass splinters out of your palm, but how did you intend to pull them out - with your teeth? Here, let me!"
Duo stands beside me with a pair of slender tweezers in one hand and mine in the other. His grip is strong, though I could break it, of course. The look in his eyes keeps me from trying, however.
"Hold still and I can take them out," Duo says again, his voice gentle this time, patient. My mind instantly begins debating whether this patience is for or in spite of me. "Hilde, please. You need to take care of yourself."
His voice was even softer then. Silently I let him touch me, working out each piece of the wickedly sharp glass inside of me with a tenderness that almost keeps the procedure from being painful. From under my hair I watch him, gradually finding myself mesmerized by the look of quiet concentration on his face. His absolute determination that he will not do it wrong.
"Gomen. I know you were asleep," I whisper.
He sighs, softly, then looks up at me.
"Hilde, that doesn't matter. You're more important."
When his eyes meet mine I'm reminded of how powerful Duo truly is. The smile that he fixes upon me is the most tender thing I've ever seen. He bends his head back to his task, but I don't think I will ever be able to forget the way he looks at this moment... his voice, his smile, his eyes... The way he looks at me... as if he loves me...
~~ooO@Ooo~~
"Remember that moment when you realized you would do anything to keep that smile on his face... that soft glow in his eyes...? Remember that moment when the realization frightened you so deeply that you left the very next morning without any explanation; left for Earth to be with Alex... to be with someone who did not trigger in you the fear of losing control over the situation? Are you in control of the situation now, Hilde? Are you? Standing here watching him die....?"
"I..."
"Yes, Hilde... the answers are in there... just a little deeper... it will not hurt..."
The voice in her heart lied. It hurt. It hurt and it frightened her. She could see it, even if no one else could... the gaping crevasse before her... dark and fathomless.... The knowledge that if she let go... if she fell in... there would be no coming back...
"Remember why you are doing this... why you need the answers..."
Duo...
"A little closer... you will not fall unless you let yourself go..."
"I was..." Hilde's lips moved like that of an automaton. "I was afraid."
"Afraid?!" Wufei repeated incredulously. "That's a wonderful excuse for killing your best friend and ex-lover! You're the former soldier, it's your responsibility to protect others. Is this your definition of "protection"?!"
That did it.
"Enough!" Quatre shouted, raising his normally soft voice to be heard.
Wufei - driven by his anger, however justified - was unaware of Hilde's swirl of confusion and despair, but Quatre had sensed them all. Hilde, who had never before permitted herself to be swayed by emotion, now stood on the precipice of losing control... an endless, terrifying drop. No wonder Hilde was terrified...
Wufei was, even at the best of times, not particularly receptive to feedback. He most certainly wasn't receptive to feedback now.
"I'm not letting you near Duo again," he grated, his dark glare full of hatred. "You almost killed him before, and you're not going to walk back into his life now and tear him to pieces again."
Duo...
Hilde swallowed with a great deal of difficulty, closed her eyes to avoid looking at Duo's pale, battered face. And at that fatal moment, the machines that monitored Duo's heart rate and brain activity shrieked - shrill alarms raced through the ICU as the readings fluctuated wildly. Quatre cast a desperate glance at the machines.
"He's going into seizure!"
Dimly, Hilde was aware of external noises - the wailing machines, the sounds of the medical staff racing down the corridor towards the room. But deep inside she heard only one voice.
"Choose, Hilde. You have to make a choice... Partly for Duo, but mostly for yourself."
She took one step closer to the vast chasm... and another... and another... and all of a sudden there was no ground beneath her feet and she was falling...
Something in Hilde's mind snapped with an inaudible crack. Falling... Only to be caught by gentle arms... a pair of lovely violet eyes, softly glowing yet vibrant with love gazed at her... The smile was gentle, knowing, forgiving... Duo had been waiting there all along...
Hilde blinked, an almost startled flicker in the dark eyes as she was jolted back into reality. It almost seemed as if her world was expanding outwards in a great rush. Doctors were pouring into the room, but Hilde saw only Duo.
"Hush Duo, it's all right," she spoke in low, gentle tones that carried through the chaos, a voice of calm in the midst of swirling panic.
Her soft hand caressed Duo's cold fingers.
"It's not your fault. We're not angry with you. I'm here now - I'll stay with you. Go back to sleep, Duo."
Hilde's voice caught on the name as she clung onto Duo's lifeless fingers as to a lifeline. Sleep and heal.
"I love you, Duo. I know that now..."
Part Three
"Despair and hope."
By: Careless Dreamer
The next few days tested them all. At Quatre's request, Sally Po had caught the next shuttle down to L2. Also at Quatre's request, the hospital had invited, albeit grudgingly, Sally to be one of the consultants on Duo Maxwell's case. Wealth it seemed, could accomplish almost anything.
Anything except bring Duo Maxwell back to them... As Duo Maxwell lingered in the coma, his four friends could only sit by helplessly and watch as each moment brought him ever closer to death. Hilde and Wufei were no longer talking to each other and could scarcely abide being in the same room together. Only their mutual reluctance to be anywhere but by Duo's bedside kept them in the room. They never argued or fought again as Trowa had made it expressly clear that he would personally kill anyone who dared fight in front of Duo; that elegant threat had gone a long way towards keeping Hilde and Wufei in line. But that threat did nothing to dispel the tension, and it seemed that it got worse with each passing day.
Until the day Duo woke from the coma. It'd happened so unexpectedly - it caught all of them off guard. In the middle of the night, when they'd been curled in various uncomfortable positions of repose, a soft whimper had woken them from their slumber. Hilde sat up, alert and listening; she could hear similar movements from the others as they woke and tried to take stock of their surroundings.
A single glance towards the machines that monitored Duo's heart rate showed that it was stable, if not particularly strong. No different than it had been for the past few days. Nothing else... She was wondering if she'd imagined it all, when she heard it... A quiet, dry, rasping cough... Coming from the bed.
"Duo?!"
She was by the bedside in an instant, her hand closing around Duo's slender fingers. Her heart leapt with... joy, perhaps, when her questing fingers were rewarded with a weak squeeze of acknowledgement.
"Duo."
She brushed her fingers across the pale cheeks. Was that the beginning motions of a smile tugging upwards on Duo's mouth? Surely she did not imagine that. From the other side of the bed, Quatre placed a gentle hand over Hilde's, his own blue eyes radiant with relief as he gazed down upon their friend. Everything would be okay from now on... Wouldn't it...?
~~ooO@Ooo~~
They waited in the corridor outside the Intensive Care Unit. Trowa and Quatre were seated on the floor just across from the door, Quatre ever so quiet, while Trowa sat there. His handsome face, probably the most expressive of them all, reflected distress and anxiety. Uncertainty.
Hilde stood next to them, ramrod straight, blue eyes burning into the door. Wufei stood just beside the door, his own dark, accusing glare boring into Hilde's face. No, they hadn't settled things completely, and hating each other's guts was easier than facing up to the worry over what was going on inside...
Easier than facing up to Duo's blank, unrecognizing gaze... to the innocently murmured questions: "Where am I... what happened... who are you....?"
The last one had utterly shattered the illusion that everything was going to be fine... that the Duo Maxwell they knew was back... Sally had sent them all out of the room - had insisted on examining Duo Maxwell in private. And when the door finally opened, four pairs of eyes locked on her. Sally Po closed the door quietly behind her.
"It's not nearly as bad as we imagined. The most likely explanation is a manifestation of post traumatic stress disorder. The memories are there - badly fragmented - but they're there. I'm recommending sessions with a trained psychologist. She would be able to draw -"
"Why can't you do it, onna?" Wufei demanded.
"Because I'm not a psychiatrist," Sally glared back at him.
The sky would collapse the day Wufei ever called her by her name.
"No one is going to mess with Duo's head."
This time, it was Hilde who was glowering dangerously.
"Can't you do it, Sally? You may not be a psychiatrist, but you are a doctor, and we trust you with Duo," Quatre spoke up, his voice softly appealing. "We don't want to leave him with a complete stranger."
"I -"
"I want to see him," Hilde stepped lightly past her and pushed open the door.
Sally opened her mouth to object, then realized what a futile and useless gesture it would be. She would get more reaction out of a brick wall.
"Fine," she sighed. "Just try not to stress him. If he doesn't know who you are, then he doesn't know who you are. It's that simple - don't push him to remember; just let him be."
~~ooO@Ooo~~
The room was silent but for the steady hum of the machines that fed nutrients and liquids directly into Duo's veins. Hilde approached the bed silently, hardly daring to breathe. Duo lay on his side, his skin so pale, he was but a shadow of her former self. His lips were almost colorless but Hilde noticed with relief that they were no longer swollen. Like a delicate blossom he lay, bruised and injured but alive.
So silent... so still... Hilde scarcely dared touch him... The dark fringed lashes flickered slightly as a crease of a frown appeared between her eyes with the effort of taking a ragged breath.
"Duo..."
The violet eyes slowly opened - ringed with exhaustion - lashes lifting, then closing - then lifting once again. Their lazy, weighted movement - catlike, sensuous. Hilde stared down at him, his eyes traveling slowly over his lover - gripped by a raging torrent of emotions as relief, fury, passion and love washed over her. She wanted to grab Duo, shake some sense into him - how could Duo not remember her - but her plan of action was floundering; she found it difficult to look at the hauntingly beautiful face before her and retain calm or coherent thought. The violet eyes met Hilde's with a guileless, inquiring look... but as for recognition - not a whisper...
It was a crushing blow - that look - devoid of all recognition. Hilde's grip on the metallic bed frame tightened. There had been no possible preparation for the wrenching agony it caused, but still Hilde held on to that now wavering gaze, desperately searching for that which was lost to her.
Despite everything, she had still expected the unsure but hopeful expression that had always appeared in Duo's eyes. This, followed by the slow yielding to the joy that Duo could never disguise at the sight of her. And finally, the love that eventually flooded their violet depths - that silent reaffirmation of a bond unenviable... or so she had believed. Still breathtaking these eyes, but her heart ached at what had been stolen from them.
To have come so far... to have finally understood for herself what Duo felt for her, and what she herself felt for Duo... only to have it snatched away once again...
"Duo," her voice was gentle. "Do you know who I am?"
Violet eyes searched her face, confused and bewildered now. Utterly disorientated. Fragments of memories - faces, voices - skittered crazily in his brain... impossible to catch hold of them... much less make sense of them... A face faded in and out of focus... Blue eyes... Dazzling blue eyes... Like the ones now gazing down on him...
No, different. Same, but different... not so cold any more, he decided dazedly, unable to follow the thought any further. Tired... so very tired...
"Do you remember me?" the voice urged, keeping her from the welcoming darkness dragging down at her mind.
"I... I think so..."
There was a name just tugging at the recesses of his mind... So elusive... slipping through his fingers as he tried to reach for it... Later... it could wait...
Hilde watched the eyelids slide down over the lovely eyes, heard Duo's breathing settle into a even rhythm as the young man drifted into a normal sleep. Her grip on the metallic bed frame relaxed, and she noted dismissively in passing that she had left it badly dented. Duo remembered her... Those few words a whispered promise for the future they could still have...
Hilde reached out slowly to touch him, reassuring herself, as she drank in the beauty that was Duo Maxwell. The glorious golden-chestnut mane of silky hair was gone... but the face was no less lovely to her. Her fingers barely played across the planes and hollows that rendered the visage so exquisite. She traced the delicate tapestry of veins that shot through the pale parchment of his eyelids and brushed the dark silky eyelashes fanned on pale cheeks. Her fingers trailed slowly down to caress the full, sensuous lips, his chin, along the curve of his throat and the hollow of his collarbone.
I love you... The words never passed her lips, but they were in the soft glow of the blue eyes as Hilde sat by Duo Maxwell and guarded his rest...
Part Four
"A whole new world."
By: Careless Dreamer
She was a constant in Duo Maxwell's life now. All the hospital staff knew the silent, blue eyed young woman who watched over the patient with tender care - who, on days when Duo was feeling a little better, endured the seemingly endless stream of chatter and laughter with stoic patience and on days when Duo was exhausted by the pain of his injuries, stayed by the bedside, holding Duo's hand while he slept.
Didn't she have a life, they asked themselves? The others had left eventually once Duo's condition stabilized and they were assured that their friend would be well taken care of. They had lives to get back to... Didn't Hilde?
She knew what they discussed among themselves, she heard their whispered conversations just outside Duo's room door. And if they had ventured to ask her, she would have answered quite simply that her life was here - lying in that hospital bed.
Duo himself had never verbally questioned her devotion, though she saw the unasked question in the violet eyes. Duo Maxwell, she gritted her teeth in silent frustration and anger, still did not remember. He had enough fragmentary memories to understand that Hilde had once been a part of his life, enough of them so as to accept Hilde's continued presence without objection. But there was nothing to explain the devotion.
But then again, even if Duo remembered everything, he still would not have been able to explain the devotion, Hilde reminded herself grimly. Two years. Two wasted years! And for nothing. She'd been with Alex, trying to pretend there wasn't a Duo-sized gap in her life, trying to pretend that gap wasn't filled with numbing loneliness - the kind of loneliness that stole light from sunshine and life from breath. Duo was the only one who could make her feel anything at all, and without Duo... she had stopped feeling... stopped hurting... stopped living....
"But I'm alive now, Duo," she breathed softly. "You made me come alive again."
She reached out with a gentle hand to stroke the pale, soft cheek. Duo sighed in his sleep, instinctively turning towards that loving caress. A smile curved Hilde's lips. You may not really remember that you once loved me, but everything will work out in the end, Duo. I promise....
I can show you the world
Shining, shimmering, splendid
A cool spring morning, the air crisp and almost unbelievably fresh. Duo stood on the front steps and inhaled deeply, an expression of rapture on his face as the cool, clean air rushed into his lungs.
"I'd forgotten what fresh air smells like."
"The car's this way," Hilde pulled gently on Duo's arm.
She had signed the discharge papers just minutes earlier. It was time to take Duo Maxwell home, minus the wheelchair which had been a constant in Duo's life the past two months. The young man was now well enough to walk without support, though he still tired quickly. The fatigue was just something Duo would have to learn to live with, at least for awhile - one did not recover quickly from a punctured lung.
"But the hospital garden's that way! I just wanna say goodbye to the ducks in the pond."
How delightful to be walking again; he was so tired of sitting in the wheelchair. At one point, he'd even wondered morbidly if he'd grow roots. How wonderful to be free again, and walking in his own strength. Duo took a few steps forward, then looked back over his shoulder, his expression puzzled. Then he took a few more steps, and then looked back again. This time, he rubbed at his back then looked down in puzzlement at his butt. His expression was comically perplexed. Hilde stared at him in concern.
"What's wrong, Duo?"
"I dunno. Just feels like something's missing," he raised his eyes to the questioning blue gaze.
Then he laughed, and tripped on happily. His hair was growing out again at a phenomenal rate, though Duo thought it much too slow for his liking. It was very nearly as long as Hilde's now, and... And he stopped and looked back over his shoulder again, getting just a little annoyed. What was it?!
"Duo?"
He shrugged in bewilderment as he ran his hand down the length of his back and then patted his rump.
"Something's wrong..."
"Does it hurt?" Hilde demanded.
"No, just feels weird. Like something's missing. I'm not missing out any clothes I'm supposed to be wearing, am I?"
The former pilot stared flinty eyed at him.
"No."
"Hmmm..." Duo's mouth twisted into a wry, half-smirk as he pondered it for a moment - and came up with an absolute zero. "I dunno what it is... but it's driving me crazy!"
"Probably the missing braid," Hilde stated matter-of-factly.
Duo froze and stared at Hilde, violet eyes wide and startled. His mouth dropped open in surprise. Hilde smirked at the sight. Duo Maxwell... rendered speechless?! It was the braid, wasn't it? The comforting weight that had always brushed against his back and his butt as he walked, a subtle caress so familiar that his body remembered even when his mind did not... That was what was missing... Then he started laughing - a sweetly irresistible sound.
"You're a genius, Hilde," he threw his arms around the woman of his life. "I think it is the missing braid!"
Hilde stiffened as Duo's arms wrapped around her neck in an achingly familiar gesture, but Duo misunderstood and extricated himself immediately.
"Uh, sorry. I'll just go say good bye to the ducks."
Hilde watched him walk down towards the duck pond; a slender, supple figure... the subtly elfin features and wide violet eyes framed by unnaturally short golden-chestnut hair. Duo still limped just ever so slightly, favoring his left leg. Several delicate operations had managed to reconstruct the bone structure of his shattered left knee, but it would never be as strong as it used to. It seemed that much of Duo would never be the same again after the accident.
And yet, Duo was still much the same. Happier now, perhaps, without the strain of his vaguely-remembered past dragging down on him. He was still the inquisitive, unfailingly cheerful maniac who drove everybody crazy with his chatter... the mad hatter whom nobody could hate because he was too generous, too open, too warm-hearted, too sincere...
This was still the Duo with whom she had fallen in love. She'd called Alex and told him quite simply that the wedding was off; she would not be coming back. She would be spending the rest of her life with Duo, for as long as Duo wanted her around. He'd declared her quite insane. Duo barely remembered her - why did she even bother to stay around?!
Tell me, princess, now when did
You last let your heart decide
Because her heart told her she had to stay. Wufei could take care of Duo - the Chinese man would have done so without being asked. But it wasn't so much about Duo as it was about herself. She did not know if Duo needed her, but she knew she needed Duo. It did not matter that her future would be on an obscure and insignificant colony instead of gloriously centered in the spotlight. As long as she was with Duo Maxwell. She knew she would be happy...
She watched Duo say goodbye to the ducks and the small yellow ducklings... to the old tortoise that slumbered on a moss-covered rock in the sun as it poked its head out of the shell and blinked a lethargic goodbye to Duo. Hilde watched Duo in shielded amazement as all the other patients out in the gardens waved goodbye to the happy young man who had brought light and laughter into the hospital - giving him advice that seemed to center around chicken soup. Duo, it seemed, could befriend the whole world.
She had been ready to take on the responsibility of helping Duo readjust back into a world and a life he had forgotten... But sometimes she forgot just how strong Duo was... forgot just how much Duo knew about the things that really mattered in life. She thought she would need to teach Duo, when really, it was Duo who was still teaching her...
I can open your eyes
Take you wonder by wonder
Over, sideways and under
On a magic carpet ride
"Hey, Hilde, will ya look at that?"
Duo poked a finger towards the ugly statue in the city park. He pressed his face to the glass of the car window, his warm breath misting against the glass.
"Why'd they waste all that bronze putting something like that up?"
"That statue's been around for years, Duo," she wanted to say, but held back the words when she saw the rapt fascination on Duo's face, the sparkle so very alive in the violet eyes. Her ex-lover was looking at the world through new eyes... reliving each dull and ugly moment as if it was something as fresh and new and glorious as the dawn.
"Hey, the kids are playing basketball in the park. Can we go out there one day, Hilde, huh, can we? Do a little two on... let's see...." he counted the number of tousled heads swarming around the hapless basketball. "... ten."
She seemed to be staring stoically ahead, her eyes apparently on the road, but she kept casting quick glances at Duo, unable to keep her eyes from her friend. Hn. Anything you want, Duo. Whatever it takes to keep the smile on your lips.
"Supermarket! And look, they have discounts on ice-cream!"
Duo tugged Hilde's attention away from the road and towards the huge sign draped over the front facade of the building.
"Can we get some ice-cream, Hilde? The hospital didn't have any. Or at least they wouldn't give me any after I ate up three tubs of ice-cream in one sitting."
"Hn."
"They were very small tubs," Duo told her solemnly, violet eyes shining. He was all but bouncing with anticipation. "Please, Hilde. I swear I'll never bug you for anything ever again."
Yeah, right. Hilde pulled the car into the parking lot.
"Do you want to just wait -"
"No, I'm coming down too. I haven't been grocery shopping in longer than I can remember!"
Yes, Duo. That's because the supermarket threatened to get a restraining order after you went whizzing down the aisles in a grocery cart and knocked over seven displays and the store's general manager! You claimed the cart was a runaway and you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Don't you remember, Duo? You were in an insane mood that day - spoiling for fun, and I didn't have the heart to hold you back - you were so alive. Just as you are now...
Hilde followed behind Duo with the grocery cart and had adamantly refused to allow Duo to push the cart.
"You would only climb in and challenge me to a race down the aisle," she told Duo flatly when the young man had begged and wheedled to be allowed to push the cart.
Duo looked at her with the same stunned, momentarily blank expression.
"How did you know?" the question popped out of his mouth before he could stop himself.
Hilde just smirked.
"Just get the ice-cream. I want to get us out of here before you get us into trouble and have us both thrown out."
Duo scowled with mock fierceness at her.
"You're no fun, Hilde," he complained, then bounced down the aisle to look for the ice-cream... The former pilot smiled, content to merely follow and enjoy the view of Duo so happily alive... There was nothing else she would rather see...
A whole new world
A new fantastic point of view
"Home..."
Duo tested the word on his lips as he looked around the small apartment. It seemed... familiar enough to make him feel vaguely comfortable and he wandered around the living room, slim fingers trailing across every available surface.
Hilde watched him for a moment then moved on towards the kitchen to put the groceries away. Wufei had decided to find a place of his own - to leave the apartment for Hilde and Duo. It had taken the better part of two months, but the Chinese man finally came to see for himself that Hilde had meant every word when she said she would stay with Duo.
Milk... into the fridge, together with the cherries and strawberries - the fruits were Duo's idea, of course. Bread... Some chocolate spread called Nutella that Duo had insisted on buying. Hilde shuddered to think of all the saturated and unsaturated fats packed into that single jar of sinful delight. Lettuce, tomatoes and minced beef into the fridge. Fresh mushrooms into the pantry, together with the pasta. Ice-cream - "Swiss Orange Chip," was what Duo had finally chosen after spending twenty minutes agonizing over the choices available - into the freezer.
The house was silent... too silent considering Duo was also in it. Her task in the kitchen was done, she headed out silently in search of her companion and one-time lover.
Duo was in the bedroom, the silver crucifix in his hand. He looked up at Hilde as the former pilot came in to stand silently by the door.
"Mine?" he asked, holding out the cross to Hilde, a strangely vulnerable expression on his face.
Hilde stamped down the urge to walk across the room and take Duo into her arms. Slowly, she reminded herself. Duo doesn't remember we were once lovers.
"What do you remember?" she asked gently, avoiding the question.
"I... I think it's mine..."
"Yes, it's yours, Duo. Do you remember who gave it to you?"
Duo chewed on his lower lip, violet eyes distant as he tried to sort through the fragmented memories. Hilde watched carefully, and the moment she saw the tension and stress of not remembering creep into the violet eyes, she reached out to touch Duo gently.
"It's okay if you can't remember now. The memories will come back in time."
Duo blinked as the touch pulled him away from the confusing swirl of images in his mind. The tense, wary look faded quickly.
"Yeah, I know," he shrugged. "It just bugs me sometimes that I can't remember. Why won't you tell me what I should know? It'd save time."
"Because history is just a matter of perspective. Your past is your own, Duo, and it shouldn't be viewed from my perspective."
"What's wrong with your perspective?" he demanded morosely. "I just want to remember! Maybe if you tell me - just give me a few hints - it would help me remember!"
Hilde ignored the cautionary whisper, walked over and drew Duo into her arms. The American stiffened briefly at the contact, then relaxed, leaning into the warmth of Hilde's body, accepting the security of the arms around him. Hilde stroked the length of Duo's back gently, calming him as one would calm a frightened child.
"Because you have a beautiful world now, Duo," she said gruffly.
It'd been more than two years since she last held Duo like this. She could have held him forever.
"I don't want to take it away from you."
Duo's throat worked.
"Are my memories that bad?" he asked, his voice muffled slightly by the fact that he was talking into Hilde's shirt.
Could she lie to Duo? She inhaled deeply, then released her breath in a soft sigh.
"They're not that good," she admitted. "But that's not what's important, Duo. What's important is that you're still alive, and that you're still in love with life. The whole world is yours for the taking once again..."
No one to tell us no
Or where to go
Or say we're only dreaming
The whole world is yours again, Duo, and this time, I'll be here to share it with you...
~~ooO@Ooo~~
She's always around. At first, I didn't know what to make of it. It was good for me though. She was a familiar face when I woke up trembling in the night from unremembered dreams, a bulwark of sanity from the chaotic swirl of color and sound in my head. She always smiles, did you know that? She smirks, once in a while. But it's so... self-mocking, somehow.
Once in a rare while she smiles when she thinks my attention is elsewhere and I'm not watching her. But it's impossible to not watch her. She's got the most amazing blue eyes - the only part of her face that is expressive and alive. They glitter and sparkle with intelligence and kindness.
Yes, kindness. She doesn't talk much, just keeps grunting "Hn," like some kind of mantra - but everything she does for me just screams with kindness and compassion. Sometimes I can't bear it - I don't know what I could have done to deserve this kind of devotion and loyalty.
I hate it that I can't remember when I know there's something I should be remembering... Something about the girl whose blue eyes stare so penetratingly at me, like she knows something I don't. Which is very likely the case, I grumble under my breath as I dig into the ice-cream. Good choice, I congratulate myself, as I lick at the spoon before plunging it back into tub of ice-cream. At least I haven't lost my good taste for the finer things in life. Like ice-cream.
Hilde would probably say "Hn," if she sees me with ice-cream at nine o'clock in the morning, but what's a bored guy to do anyway? Hilde left insanely early for work this morning. Apparently, Quatre - the blond guy who owns Winner Enterprises - has started up some kind of branch office here. Guess who got hired to manage operations and security?
I bet she'll do a great job. She's just one of those people who'd succeed in anything and everything she does. Which kind of makes you wonder why she's spending all this time and effort on me? What's she got to gain from this? I really don't understand.
I miss my braid. Or rather, my body misses my braid. I don't really remember it, but it still feels weird when I walk, or when I wash my hair. Especially when I wash my hair - it's like there's nothing there anymore. Right now, I probably have as much hair as Hilde does, but it feels like it's so little.
I think I feel like having a milkshake. Let's see... Blender... Blender... Blender... If I were a blender, where would I be hiding...? Ah, right here. Always in the last place I look. Never fails. Must be some kind of crummy law of cosmic bad luck. And... milk! In the fridge, of course. That's quite intuitive even for a guy who can't remember anything.
I brandish the carton of milk with glee, then notice the food in the fridge. Hmmm... Maybe I could make dinner. I wonder what she likes... did I ever know what she likes to eat? Maybe. But I could improvise anyway, I suppose. It's not like there's a whole lot of food to choose from in the fridge.
It's funny now that she's not around, I muse thoughtfully as I get down to work. I think I kinda miss her...
A whole new world
A dazzling place I never knew
Dazzling doesn't even begin to describe what I've done to the kitchen. Red spaghetti sauce does look good on white kitchen tiles. Formerly white kitchen tiles, I correct myself as I sigh wearily, then begin the horrific process of cleaning up the mess I've made. I hear a sound at the door, and glance up sharply at the clock on the wall. Oh hell. She's back way earlier than I expected.
And then she's there, standing at the door, her blue eyes shuttling between me and the chaos I've created. The expression on her face is so... stunned. I guess there's no other word for it. She looks completely and utterly befuddled. It's so funny, and I start to giggle.
"Duo?"
She sounds so hesitant - like she's not sure she's talking to me. Now I start to laugh. With some effort, I twist my quirking lips into an innocent smile.
"I was making dinner."
Silence. Then slowly: "But Duo, you can't cook..."
"I've figured that out by now, Hilde, thank you," I smirk at her, then wave my hand at the spaghetti sauce splattered kitchen. "To hell with history and perspective. Some things are facts. If you had told me earlier that I couldn't cook, I wouldn't have tried."
Now her lips are quirking too, though she is making a heroic effort not to laugh.
"I... appreciate your efforts."
"Sure you do," I chuckle. "Do you want to order some pizza while I clean up the mess?"
She orders pizza and when it arrives, we sit down on the couch and watch some totally unremarkable television program while munching idly on slices of pizza. I sneak a glance over at her. Scarcely less than a few inches separate us, but it seems like it might as well be a ravine. She doesn't touch me unless absolutely necessary, which I suppose adequately justifies my shock when she hugged me yesterday in the bedroom. Guess I shouldn't be surprised though. She touches me only when she's trying to comfort or reassure me. Could be worse, I suppose, if the alternative is not touching me at all.
It just feels... right when she touches me. Like I've finally found some missing part of me. Does she know how important that is... to have some part in all the confusion in my head that finally feels right? Probably not.
I hate it. I hate not remembering. I hate having only this one thing that feels right. Hilde looks at me with surprise as I shift to lean against her, rather deliberately snuggling into the crook of her arm. I need to feel right, even if it's just for awhile... She doesn't react, and for a moment, I'm wondering if she'll push me away. But just when I'm almost certain she will, she draws me closer.
But, now, from way up here
It's crystal clear
That now I'm in a whole new world with you
The endless questions pounding through my head are mercifully silenced for as long as I'm here in her arms... my world mercifully at peace... mercifully right for as long as I am here....
~~ooO@Ooo~~
"What do you want to do?"
Hilde pulled on her windbreaker as she pulled the door of their apartment close behind her. Duo was already cheerfully tripping down the stairs towards the main door of their apartment complex.
"Let's go to the park."
"Again?"
"Yeah, the kids are expecting us to play basketball with them."
Duo, you can't, Hilde wanted to say. Your knee won't let you... you were grimacing with pain for three days after the last game. Do you have any idea how much it hurts to see you hobbling in agony and not be able to do anything for you?
"Why don't we do something else?"
Duo paused at the foot of the stairs, glancing back over his shoulder at Hilde, the expression in the violet eyes strangely unfathomable.
"My knee is fine, Hilde," he said simply.
No, it wasn't...
"Baka," Hilde swore under her breath as she half-carried, half-dragged Duo up the stairs to their apartment after the game. Duo sagged weakly against her as Hilde shoved the key in the lock, turned the key then pushed the door open.
"I heard that," Duo hissed as he surged past Hilde - stubbornly moving in his own strength. He staggered, stumbling against the couch, unable to make it into his bedroom. The agony shooting through his leg and entire left side was intense, excruciating.
Then Hilde was there - strong arms supporting him and lowering him gently to the couch.
"Stay," the former pilot ordered, moving swiftly past Duo into the kitchen. Baka! She reached for a basin and filled it with cool water, before grabbing a clean cloth from the drawer. Duo no baka!
The irony of the situation did not escape her. Instead of Duo hovering over her, calling her a stubborn, stupid idiot for her goddamned attraction to the self-destruct button, the situation was now reversed. Somehow, Hilde did not find it amusing. Is this how Duo felt when I tried to self-destruct? So utterly helpless - forced to merely watch as he destroys himself... destroys everything I love?
When she came out of the kitchen, she found Duo partly sprawled on the couch, his face shockingly pale, the violet eyes closed. Hilde sat down on the floor by the couch, dipped the cloth in cool water then proceeded to wrap it gently yet firmly around the throbbing knee. It was swollen, and she could feel intense heat radiating from the injury. Hilde squeezed her eyes shut to hold back the tears of anger and frustration. Damn it, Duo. Why do you do this to yourself...?
Duo closed his eyes, willing himself not to feel anything. Every movement pulled at his damaged bones and tortured flesh. But there was no way he could block out the sensation of tender hands moving over his injury - gently and deliberately soothing the hurt and drawing the pain away.
Unbelievable sights
Indescribable feelings
"How do you feel, Duo?"
He grunted. The pillow Hilde had placed beneath his knee reduced the pressure on the injury, making the pain almost tolerable. Almost. But not quite.
Moving Duo into the bedroom had been a difficult to say the least. Duo had bitten down on his lower lip until it was bloody to keep from screaming in pain as he was moved. When Hilde finally managed to get him settled in, the American was completely blown from the killing grind of exhaustion and pain.
"Thanks," he breathed, then felt the mattress give as Hilde began to move away. On impulse, he reached out, catching Hilde's hand. Violet eyes sought out blue. "Stay with me?"
Hilde froze. She had not been expecting this. For a moment, she looked down at the slender, graceful hand placed lightly on hers - not holding her back if she chose to leave, but... But...
She met the violet eyes, her own questioning. That was probably a mistake, because then she could no longer say no. The endless violet depths drew her in, dismantled his defenses, and then she was falling into the starry depths that had no end...
Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling
Through an endless diamond sky
A faint smile, a nod of assent. Then Hilde settled down beside her one-time lover. And this time, she did not hesitate to reach for Duo and draw him into her arms...
~~ooO@Ooo~~
I don't think I'm ever going to remember. Six months, and still nothing. The pieces are all there - it's just that I can't put them together into a picture that makes sense. I'm really tired of trying. Maybe it's just easier to give up and move on with my life.
It certainly doesn't make sense to hold back on the future in an attempt to figure out the past. I watch her from the open glass doors that lead out to the balcony. She looks so alone out there - gazing down upon the city, her profile stark and lovely. Her face is so serious, her brilliant eyes distant now, lost in thought.
I love her. I know that now.
"Hilde?"
"Hn."
She turns around and looks in some surprise at the bowl of ice-cream I offer.
"Arigato," she murmurs, then nibbles tentatively a spoonful of chocolate chip ice-cream. "It's good," she comments, sounding a little surprised as she takes a slightly more confident portion of the dessert.
I smirk at her and begin working on getting to the bottom of my own bowl of ice-cream.
"Nice night," I lift my face to the cool breeze. "You ever wonder what it's like out there among all those stars? Someone out there - maybe on L3 is standing on their balcony, eating ice-cream and asking the very same question."
"Hn."
How could I not love her? She loves me - I know it, I can see it in all the things she does for me, for us. She doesn't say a thing, but I know... I know that she has loved me for as long as I can remember - notwithstanding the fact that I have only about six months worth of memories. I don't know what happened before that. Hilde won't tell me. Were we lovers once? We've shared a bed since that night when I screwed up my knee playing basketball, but we just cuddle and fall asleep together. I sleep better when she's around. Were we lovers? Is that why my body remembers being with her? Does the past matter at all when the future beckons?
A whole new world
(Don't you dare close your eyes)
"Hilde, I love you."
A sharp inhalation of breath. Then... Silence. At least she didn't say, "Hn." I think I might have smashed my ice-cream into her face if she did. It'd be a huge waste of ice-cream. Ah hell, I've said this much, I might as well go all the way.
"I'm in love with you too."
I lick nonchalantly at the spoon.
"Do you like Chocolate Chip?" I ask critically. "I think I prefer Swiss Orange Chip - it's richer and sweeter."
I peer over the balcony railing.
"Hey, Hilde, if I drop this bowl, what do you think are the chances that the ice-cream will land on someone's face? There's this really neat program I saw on television today. Some kind of video teaching aid. It swears that it will be able to teach me how to cook in twelve lessons or your money back, guaranteed. Are you getting tired of doing all the cooking yet? I didn't burn the egg too badly this morning. I know the dog next door didn't want it anyway, but at least the fire alarm didn't go off like it did the last time."
I sneak a peek at her. Her face - normally so impassive - is a study in emotion... Confusion... Relief... Guilt... Shame...
A hundred thousand things to see
(Hold your breath - it gets better)
Oh hell... I should never have said anything...
"Ai shiteru, Duo."
....
What did she say? Her eyes are dazzling despite the dim light coming from our living room.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. I just didn't know if you felt that way any more and I didn't want to put you in an uncomfortable position of feeling like you had to..."
Any more...? By implication then, I once did love Hilde... No wonder it felt so right. I smile in the darkness. I think I've finally found my way back...
I'm like a shooting star
I've come so far
I can't go back to where I used to be
... into the arms of my once and future love. Could anything be more perfect? We set the bowls of ice-cream aside, and she reaches for me, drawing me into her embrace. We say nothing... merely hold each other close, our hearts beating in unison... It's a waste of ice-cream, but for once, I'm too happy to care...
~~ooO@Ooo~~
EPILOGUE
I showed him the last letter he wrote to me just before the accident. He read it in silence, violet eyes traveling swiftly over the worn pages.
"I wish I could tell you," he said finally, so very softly, his eyes still fixed on the letter. "But I don't remember."
I knew what he was talking about. The moment he first fell in love with me. He didn't remember it any more. That one precious memory lost... perhaps forever... It didn't matter, I told myself. I had Duo now, and Duo loved me still.
A whole new world
With new horizons to pursue
But then he spoke reflectively in his lovely tenor.
"It was that day - after you brought me home from the hospital, when my attempt to make dinner created a catastrophe much the size of a natural disaster... You stood at the door watching me... trying not to laugh, but I saw it in your eyes..."
I'll chase them anywhere
There's time to spare
Let me share this whole new world with you
"That was when I fell in love with you, Hilde."
A whole new world
That's where we'll be
"And that day... when I screwed up my knee playing basketball, and you stayed when I asked you to stay... It may not have meant anything to you - but you made me feel safe and wanted. It felt right... being with you felt right..."
A thrilling chase
"That was when I knew I wanted to spend the rest of forever with you."
Duo set the letter aside. We understood each other... The past no longer mattered... the future was all we wanted now... We moved forward, closer, and nothing could have stopped us; when our lips met it had the impact of worlds colliding. Irrevocable. We belong to each other. The future belongs to us...
A wondrous place
For you and me...