Title: Things That Are Supposedly Mine
Fandom: Hollyoaks
Rating: R
Pairings/Characters: Jason Costello, Carl Costello, (mentioned Heidi Costello and Jem Costello)
Summary: Set during 20th December's Episode: What happened after Heidi walked out of Jason's room.
Spoilers: Major Spoilers for Monday 20th December's episode and pretty much all of Jason's storyline
WARNINGS: Mild graphic occurrences of self-harm. Mentions of past self-harm. Mentions of brief suicidal thoughts. Gender Dysphoria (Gender Identity Disorder).
Disclaimer: Hollyoaks is ©1995-2010 Lime Pictures (situated in Liverpool) for Channel 4. Created by Phil Redmond. Copyrighted material is used without permission of Channel 4 with no intention of profit from the works contained herein.
A/N: I decided to pick up my writing again after seeing the first look of Monday's episode. This storyline is very touching for me as I am a trans man myself and I praise Lime Pictures on doing this so well.
After his Mum closed the door, Jason stood stock still in the middle of the room and let his composure fall. The young boy let his eyes fall to the bag of his old clothes and felt a burning sensation begin at the back of his eyes.
'12 days... 12 days I have to go round in those things... They're not my clothes; they never were...they were "Jasmine's"', Jason thought as he stared at the bin bag on the floor.
'"Let us have time to get used to it", that's what she said.'
Jason turned away from the bag unable to stare at them anymore as tears threatened to fall down his face.
'I don't know if I'll be able to do this', he thought as he closed his eyes. 'Pretending everything was fine was bad enough...but now they know and they can't accept it... I know it's going to take time I'm not stupid. But telling me to still dress up in those things that are supposedly my clothes... That's going to be difficult.
The young boy walked over to the bag of clothes and stuffed it into his wardrobe. He closed the door and leant back against it staring out the window opposite him.
'I don't know how long I can take this. I hate this; I hate my body; I hate my life. Why can't I just have a family who accepts it?' Jason thought banging his head back against the closed wardrobe door. 'I'm worried about Jem's warning... She said Dad would never let me be who I am. What if she's right?'
The teenager pushed himself off the wardrobe door and started undressing. He pulled off his jumper and shirt before picking up his discarded dressing gown and putting that on. Jason walked over to 'Jasmine's' dressing table and sat down.
'I hate this so much. I wish I was dead sometimes... Why couldn't I have just been born into a guy's body' the teenager thought as his tears started to fall down his face. Jason just stared into the mirror hating everything he saw. He stared at his chest where the bandages flattened his chest down feeling an overwhelming does of self-hatred.
There was a knock on the door then Carl opened Jason's bedroom door and popped his head round it. He stared at Jason with a neutral expression on his face for a few seconds before saying a perfunctory "Goodnight Sweetheart". The older man walked back out of the room and closed the door behind him.
Jason tore his eyes away from the closed door through the mirror and noticed the tears still running down his face. The teenager then opened the jewellery box in front of him and a lullaby sounded from it. He reached into the top section with the spinning ballerina and pulled out a small key which he then used to open the first drawer down on the box.
The young boy glanced into it seeing the thing he was looking for, 'Should I do this?... It'll help... It'll let the anger and frustration out... I can't stand this anymore.'
Jason reached into the drawer and pulled out the compass which he placed on the table before shrugging off his dressing gown. He picked up the compass and used it to make a small puncture wound on the top side of his left arm. The teenager bit back a whimper of pain; in amongst the pain was a sense of relief that he could finally express how he felt. He used the compass multiple times to make more puncture wounds and scratches.
After Jason was over he placed the compass down onto the table and stared at his arms. On his right arm; old faded scars that looked like small circles and lines, on his left arm; new wounds that oozed trickles of blood interspersed with old scars.
The teenager's wounds were stinging. He stared at them until they stopped bleeding then eventually started opening one of the drawers in 'Jasmine's' dressing table, the dull ache he got from his wounds serving as a reminder as his arms moved.
Jason brought out antiseptic wipes and some plaster pads and placed them onto the table in front of him. He took an antiseptic wipe and cleaned the compass before placing the compass back into the drawer and locked it. The young boy placed the key into the top of the jewellery box before snapping the lid closed cutting off the annoying music.
The teenager used an antiseptic wipe on his wounds causing them to sting again before carefully placing the pads onto the marks.
Jason then put the supplies away and stared back into the mirror. His face looked a mess; his eyes red and puffy from crying and dried tear tracks down his face. The teenager looked away from the mirror and wiped his face before standing up and starting to undress further. He carefully unwrapped the bandages allowing him to breathe easier. He took in a deep breath and felt a dull ache in his chest – he had worn the bandages for too long. The young boy then dragged off his jeans and pulled off his socks before walking over to his bed and pulling back the covers. Jason climbed into bed in just his vest and boxers and turned onto his front with his face tilted away from the door. He closed his eyes and willed for sleep to take him away, wondering if he would dream tonight of his family being accepting or have a horrible nightmare where his family kicked him out on the street.