"The Mummy"- Chapter 1: Role Call
JK: Hi people!
Seto: Oh no.
JK: Oh, shut up. I'm not THAT obsessed with torturing you.
Seto: I'm sure.
Malik: After the New Year's Party, I would rather not know what's in store for us today.
JK: But Seto won't be tormented in this fanfic.
Yami: How reassuring.
JK: And you have the best role of all.
Yami (brightly): Okay!
JK: Okay. Here's the script to what happens to be my favorite movie. Read it and then I'll tell you what your roles are. And you don't get a choice in the matter.
Yami: Just out of curiosity...are you Pegasus's daughter?
JK: No, what kind of question is that?
Yami: Well...you sounded like him.
JK: Just shut up before I give your role to Seto. (hands out scripts)
(They read the script and scream.)
JK: Calm yourselves, I haven't even told you what role you'll essay. I suggest that some of you should save your screams.
Seto: By some you mean me.
JK: No, actually. And here's my fellow author to help keep everyone under control.
Dark Shadows: Hiya!
JK: Yeah, whatever. Anyway, the Pharoah will be played by...Joey!
Joey: Yay! In your face Yami! I'm bad, you know it. I'm bad, I'll-
Yami: Don't you remember, Joey? The Pharaoh is murdered by his mistress and his High Priest.
Joey: Dang.
Mai: I better not be that Mistress!
JK: The Pharaoh's mistress, Anck-su-namun, will be played by Mai.
Mai: Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!
Dark Shadows: You get to kill Joey.
Mai (brightly): Okay, never mind. I don't have to kiss Joey or anything, right?
JK: You have to kiss whoever plays Imhotep.
Mai: Oh.
JK: Isis will play Evy.
Isis: Well, that's not too bad. Just as long as a moron doesn't play O'Conell.
Seto: Please let me play him. Please let me play him.
JK: Imhotep will be played by the only Priest in our presence, Seto Kaiba!
Seto: Oh, crap. Wait, what the-I have to kiss Mai?!
Joey: HE gets to kiss Mai?! Damn you, Kaiba!
Seto: I'm just surprised you're not playing the Pharaoh's lapdog.
Joey: Yeah-hey!
JK: Well, you do get to kiss Isis, and then she kisses you. Is that enough to shut you up?
Seto: True, but I'm ugly when I do!
Isis: WAIT! Don't I get a say in this?
Seto: It's in the script.
Isis: First Malik was born, and now this.
JK: Rick O'Conell will be played by Yami.
Yami: Thank you, Ra!
Isis: My life is over.
Seto: My life is over. (both cry)
Dark Shadows: Why can't I be Evy?
JK: Because you get to be in the audience for free.
Dark Shadows: Lucky me.
JK: I thought you like Malik now.
Dark Shadows: I don't know whom I like.
JK: Now, Yami Bakura will play Ardeth-Bay, leader of the Medjai.
Yami Bakura: Well at least I spend half the time trying to kill Yami and the others.
Dark Shadows: But then you make an alliance with him.
Yami Bakura: Well whoever plays Jonathan will be there to prevent me from killing him. But I'm not saying that's a good thing.
Malik: It's not.
Yami: Ha ha.
JK: Enough already! Beni will be played by Weevil.
Weevil (sarcastically): Woo hoo! I get to be eaten by my own bugs. What joy!
Dark Shadows: You know, maybe you should've given him a role with fewer lines. I don't think I'll be able to stand hearing his voice.
JK: Don't you want to see Weevil get eaten by scarabs?
Dark Shadows: Eh, fine. I'll cope with the voice.
Seto: What are YOU complaining about?! I'm the one who has to be around him more than anyone else!
JK: You get to stab Joey...
Seto: Ah, yes. Every cloud has a silver lining.
Isis: Get any cornier, why don't you?
(Seto glares at Isis.)
JK: Yeah, whatever. Jonathan will be played by Malik.
Isis: Oh Ra! I can't get out of being related to him in a play!
Malik: How come I get a goody role? He doesn't even get to shoot from a gun!
JK: Yes he does. And he drinks liquor.
Malik: Oh.
JK: Yugi will play the warden.
Yugi: But...I die!
JK: Nearly everyone dies.
Dark Shadows: And no one really gives about the warden.
JK: Mr. Burns, the guy who gets his eyes and his tongue ripped out of him, will be played by none other than the only eyeless person in our midst, Pegasus!
Seto: Yeah, and this time I get to do the ripping.
Yami Bakura: Are you going to drink the blood?
Seto: Hell no!
Yami Bakura: Well...can I have it?
Seto: Whatever.
Dark Shadows: That was my brilliant idea.
JK: Yeah, even I'll admit that choosing Peggy for that role was a great idea. Now, the blond American whose name I have to find out will be played by Bandit Keith. Yes, what a surprise.
Joey: And Kaiba gets to kill him? My role sucks!
Seto: Well, no $@%&, Sherlock.
JK: Seto...
Seto: Sorry but this is Joey we're talking about.
JK: Well, I do make your life a complete hell in my other fanfic, so I'll be unusually kind and let that slip.
Seto: Thank you.
JK: Just don't get used to it. The Egyptologist will be played by Rebecca's grandpa, Arthur Hopkins.
Rebecca's Grandpa: I insult women; that's not like me. Oh well.
Rebecca: Teddy, Grandpa's being mean! He insulted me!
Mai: Rebecca, hon, you're not a woman. At least not yet. Haven't you noticed that Joey's not flirting with you?
Rebecca: Yugi asked me out once.
Yugi: I told you never to mention that as long as you live!
Yami: Aibou, I didn't know that you were THAT deperate. Why didn't you tell me? I could have found you a nice little girlfriend. And I mean the little part literally. Wait. First I need to find me a girlfriend...
Seto: Don't hold your breath or else you might actually die.
Yugi: Oh, she was the only one who was my height!
JK: Yeah, well, settle your juvenile, messed up love life later. Yeah, well, the last person Seto will have to suck dry to become whole again will be Tristan.
Tristan: Wow, I get a great role.
Dark Shadows: That cone's gotta go.
Tristan: NOT THE HAIR! NO ONE TOUCHES THE HAIR AND LIVES TO TELL THE WOESOME TALE!
(Joey sneaks up behind Tristan and plucks a strand of hair. Tristan, attention span too small, doesn't notice.)
JK: Dark Shadows, you're right. Well, Yugi's grandpa will play the person Evy works for at the beginning. (no one says anything) Well, Tea will be the hangman and a bunch of other useless roles that I might need someone to occupy.
Tea: But the hangman is a MAN.
JK: And your point is?
Tea: Well, I'm not.
JK: No, you're a man in denial.
Tea: No I'm not!
JK: Yes you are!
Tea: NO I'M NOT!
JK: This could go on for hours, you know.
Dark Shadows: Yeah, shut up, hag!
JK: Okay...Mr. Band-
Tea: But I'm a girl!
JK: Okay, would you all rather have it that I made Tea Anck-su-namun?
All: NO!
Seto: Hell no! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!
JK: Okay, I get the point. Mr. Banders, the person who owns the aircraft, will be played by Joey.
Joey (looking at script): Aren't I lucky? I get to die twice!
JK: I think that's it. And you should be happy I gave you two roles. Oh yeah, the following people will play Imhotep's priests before and after they're mummified: Yugi, Mokuba, Rex, Croquet, and Ryou.
Seto: Croquet ain't working for me. Big no-no. Neither is Mokuba. My brother is not getting mummified alive.
Mokuba: Come on, Seto! That's my only role!
Seto: NO, Mokuba.
Isis: Come on, Seto. Mokuba never has any fun. For goodness' sake, you make the kid eat health food!
JK: Getting in touch with your role, I see. Evy says that a lot. (For goodness' sake.)
Dark Shadows: Seto's already in touch with his role. He has been ever since he pushed Guzo out the window.
Seto: CAN YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT MY STUPID DAMN STEP-FATHER?!
JK: Yup, definitely in touch with his role.
Mokuba: Seto, Isis makes a better mommy than you do.
Seto: Well, there are reasons for that. One: she's a female. Two, she's twenty and I'm fifteen. And three, I'm your brother, not your mother.
Mokuba: REALLY?!
Malik: Did someone just say Isis makes a good parent?
Mokuba: I did.
Malik: So, Isis, I didn't know you resorted to drugging people in an attempt to get compliments.
(Isis throws a random book at Malik's head.)
Isis: Malik, you know very well I don't have to resort to that.
Malik: Yes, unfortunately, I do. (rubs head fervently)
Isis: You better hope that wasn't sarcasm or else I'll make you sleep outside tonight...again.
Malik: You threaten me with that all the time! Seriously, come up with a new "punishment."
Isis: Then I guess you wouldn't mind.
Malik: Oh, fine. I noticed someone staring at me when I was there last time. I don't want to go back.
Isis: Yeah, Malik, all the fangirls want your bench.
(Dark Shadows stares at her.)
Isis: That's not what I meant! I meant that they would auction it off on ebay or something!
JK: Dark Shadows, you're really not helping by being your annoying little perverted self. Like I was going to say before I was so rudely interrupted by someone's stupidity, the Medjai (Pharaoh's bodyguards) before and after they're mummified will be played by the following people: Mako, Para, Dox, Rebecca, and Rishid.
Seto: You're making Rebecca play a Medjai? You're insane.
Rebecca: What's that supposed to mean? You don't think I'm a match for them?
Seto: Hmm, let's see. You're two feet tall.
Rebecca: No I'm not!
JK: Yeah, well, she's such a small target that the other person will probably miss.
Rebecca: Yeah, in your face Kaiba! Don't insult the best duelist in America like that!
Seto: That's the world champion you're talking to.
Rebecca: Oh yeah, rich boy? Well, I challenge you to a duel!
Seto: So it is true what they say about you. You are insane!
Rebecca: Excuse me?
Seto: You wouldn't last a minute in a duel against me!
JK: NOT NOW! Settle this on your own time. Those are everyone's roles. You will all go home and memorize your lines. Got it?
(They nod vigorously.)
If anyone wants to be in the audience, please tell me so. The only payment I require is a review! (And also, if you want to, tell me a bit about the personality you have. I don't want to make anyone seem like an idiot by accident.)
Also, thanks to anyone who actually took the time to read the prologue. And even if you don't want to be in the audience, review anyway! Thanks!
Note: I won't be updating this in a while because I'm busy working on my other fanfic and I also have a LOT of work to be doing for school. And even so, I will only continue if I have at least six people in the audience.
JK: Hi people!
Seto: Oh no.
JK: Oh, shut up. I'm not THAT obsessed with torturing you.
Seto: I'm sure.
Malik: After the New Year's Party, I would rather not know what's in store for us today.
JK: But Seto won't be tormented in this fanfic.
Yami: How reassuring.
JK: And you have the best role of all.
Yami (brightly): Okay!
JK: Okay. Here's the script to what happens to be my favorite movie. Read it and then I'll tell you what your roles are. And you don't get a choice in the matter.
Yami: Just out of curiosity...are you Pegasus's daughter?
JK: No, what kind of question is that?
Yami: Well...you sounded like him.
JK: Just shut up before I give your role to Seto. (hands out scripts)
(They read the script and scream.)
JK: Calm yourselves, I haven't even told you what role you'll essay. I suggest that some of you should save your screams.
Seto: By some you mean me.
JK: No, actually. And here's my fellow author to help keep everyone under control.
Dark Shadows: Hiya!
JK: Yeah, whatever. Anyway, the Pharoah will be played by...Joey!
Joey: Yay! In your face Yami! I'm bad, you know it. I'm bad, I'll-
Yami: Don't you remember, Joey? The Pharaoh is murdered by his mistress and his High Priest.
Joey: Dang.
Mai: I better not be that Mistress!
JK: The Pharaoh's mistress, Anck-su-namun, will be played by Mai.
Mai: Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!
Dark Shadows: You get to kill Joey.
Mai (brightly): Okay, never mind. I don't have to kiss Joey or anything, right?
JK: You have to kiss whoever plays Imhotep.
Mai: Oh.
JK: Isis will play Evy.
Isis: Well, that's not too bad. Just as long as a moron doesn't play O'Conell.
Seto: Please let me play him. Please let me play him.
JK: Imhotep will be played by the only Priest in our presence, Seto Kaiba!
Seto: Oh, crap. Wait, what the-I have to kiss Mai?!
Joey: HE gets to kiss Mai?! Damn you, Kaiba!
Seto: I'm just surprised you're not playing the Pharaoh's lapdog.
Joey: Yeah-hey!
JK: Well, you do get to kiss Isis, and then she kisses you. Is that enough to shut you up?
Seto: True, but I'm ugly when I do!
Isis: WAIT! Don't I get a say in this?
Seto: It's in the script.
Isis: First Malik was born, and now this.
JK: Rick O'Conell will be played by Yami.
Yami: Thank you, Ra!
Isis: My life is over.
Seto: My life is over. (both cry)
Dark Shadows: Why can't I be Evy?
JK: Because you get to be in the audience for free.
Dark Shadows: Lucky me.
JK: I thought you like Malik now.
Dark Shadows: I don't know whom I like.
JK: Now, Yami Bakura will play Ardeth-Bay, leader of the Medjai.
Yami Bakura: Well at least I spend half the time trying to kill Yami and the others.
Dark Shadows: But then you make an alliance with him.
Yami Bakura: Well whoever plays Jonathan will be there to prevent me from killing him. But I'm not saying that's a good thing.
Malik: It's not.
Yami: Ha ha.
JK: Enough already! Beni will be played by Weevil.
Weevil (sarcastically): Woo hoo! I get to be eaten by my own bugs. What joy!
Dark Shadows: You know, maybe you should've given him a role with fewer lines. I don't think I'll be able to stand hearing his voice.
JK: Don't you want to see Weevil get eaten by scarabs?
Dark Shadows: Eh, fine. I'll cope with the voice.
Seto: What are YOU complaining about?! I'm the one who has to be around him more than anyone else!
JK: You get to stab Joey...
Seto: Ah, yes. Every cloud has a silver lining.
Isis: Get any cornier, why don't you?
(Seto glares at Isis.)
JK: Yeah, whatever. Jonathan will be played by Malik.
Isis: Oh Ra! I can't get out of being related to him in a play!
Malik: How come I get a goody role? He doesn't even get to shoot from a gun!
JK: Yes he does. And he drinks liquor.
Malik: Oh.
JK: Yugi will play the warden.
Yugi: But...I die!
JK: Nearly everyone dies.
Dark Shadows: And no one really gives about the warden.
JK: Mr. Burns, the guy who gets his eyes and his tongue ripped out of him, will be played by none other than the only eyeless person in our midst, Pegasus!
Seto: Yeah, and this time I get to do the ripping.
Yami Bakura: Are you going to drink the blood?
Seto: Hell no!
Yami Bakura: Well...can I have it?
Seto: Whatever.
Dark Shadows: That was my brilliant idea.
JK: Yeah, even I'll admit that choosing Peggy for that role was a great idea. Now, the blond American whose name I have to find out will be played by Bandit Keith. Yes, what a surprise.
Joey: And Kaiba gets to kill him? My role sucks!
Seto: Well, no $@%&, Sherlock.
JK: Seto...
Seto: Sorry but this is Joey we're talking about.
JK: Well, I do make your life a complete hell in my other fanfic, so I'll be unusually kind and let that slip.
Seto: Thank you.
JK: Just don't get used to it. The Egyptologist will be played by Rebecca's grandpa, Arthur Hopkins.
Rebecca's Grandpa: I insult women; that's not like me. Oh well.
Rebecca: Teddy, Grandpa's being mean! He insulted me!
Mai: Rebecca, hon, you're not a woman. At least not yet. Haven't you noticed that Joey's not flirting with you?
Rebecca: Yugi asked me out once.
Yugi: I told you never to mention that as long as you live!
Yami: Aibou, I didn't know that you were THAT deperate. Why didn't you tell me? I could have found you a nice little girlfriend. And I mean the little part literally. Wait. First I need to find me a girlfriend...
Seto: Don't hold your breath or else you might actually die.
Yugi: Oh, she was the only one who was my height!
JK: Yeah, well, settle your juvenile, messed up love life later. Yeah, well, the last person Seto will have to suck dry to become whole again will be Tristan.
Tristan: Wow, I get a great role.
Dark Shadows: That cone's gotta go.
Tristan: NOT THE HAIR! NO ONE TOUCHES THE HAIR AND LIVES TO TELL THE WOESOME TALE!
(Joey sneaks up behind Tristan and plucks a strand of hair. Tristan, attention span too small, doesn't notice.)
JK: Dark Shadows, you're right. Well, Yugi's grandpa will play the person Evy works for at the beginning. (no one says anything) Well, Tea will be the hangman and a bunch of other useless roles that I might need someone to occupy.
Tea: But the hangman is a MAN.
JK: And your point is?
Tea: Well, I'm not.
JK: No, you're a man in denial.
Tea: No I'm not!
JK: Yes you are!
Tea: NO I'M NOT!
JK: This could go on for hours, you know.
Dark Shadows: Yeah, shut up, hag!
JK: Okay...Mr. Band-
Tea: But I'm a girl!
JK: Okay, would you all rather have it that I made Tea Anck-su-namun?
All: NO!
Seto: Hell no! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!
JK: Okay, I get the point. Mr. Banders, the person who owns the aircraft, will be played by Joey.
Joey (looking at script): Aren't I lucky? I get to die twice!
JK: I think that's it. And you should be happy I gave you two roles. Oh yeah, the following people will play Imhotep's priests before and after they're mummified: Yugi, Mokuba, Rex, Croquet, and Ryou.
Seto: Croquet ain't working for me. Big no-no. Neither is Mokuba. My brother is not getting mummified alive.
Mokuba: Come on, Seto! That's my only role!
Seto: NO, Mokuba.
Isis: Come on, Seto. Mokuba never has any fun. For goodness' sake, you make the kid eat health food!
JK: Getting in touch with your role, I see. Evy says that a lot. (For goodness' sake.)
Dark Shadows: Seto's already in touch with his role. He has been ever since he pushed Guzo out the window.
Seto: CAN YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT MY STUPID DAMN STEP-FATHER?!
JK: Yup, definitely in touch with his role.
Mokuba: Seto, Isis makes a better mommy than you do.
Seto: Well, there are reasons for that. One: she's a female. Two, she's twenty and I'm fifteen. And three, I'm your brother, not your mother.
Mokuba: REALLY?!
Malik: Did someone just say Isis makes a good parent?
Mokuba: I did.
Malik: So, Isis, I didn't know you resorted to drugging people in an attempt to get compliments.
(Isis throws a random book at Malik's head.)
Isis: Malik, you know very well I don't have to resort to that.
Malik: Yes, unfortunately, I do. (rubs head fervently)
Isis: You better hope that wasn't sarcasm or else I'll make you sleep outside tonight...again.
Malik: You threaten me with that all the time! Seriously, come up with a new "punishment."
Isis: Then I guess you wouldn't mind.
Malik: Oh, fine. I noticed someone staring at me when I was there last time. I don't want to go back.
Isis: Yeah, Malik, all the fangirls want your bench.
(Dark Shadows stares at her.)
Isis: That's not what I meant! I meant that they would auction it off on ebay or something!
JK: Dark Shadows, you're really not helping by being your annoying little perverted self. Like I was going to say before I was so rudely interrupted by someone's stupidity, the Medjai (Pharaoh's bodyguards) before and after they're mummified will be played by the following people: Mako, Para, Dox, Rebecca, and Rishid.
Seto: You're making Rebecca play a Medjai? You're insane.
Rebecca: What's that supposed to mean? You don't think I'm a match for them?
Seto: Hmm, let's see. You're two feet tall.
Rebecca: No I'm not!
JK: Yeah, well, she's such a small target that the other person will probably miss.
Rebecca: Yeah, in your face Kaiba! Don't insult the best duelist in America like that!
Seto: That's the world champion you're talking to.
Rebecca: Oh yeah, rich boy? Well, I challenge you to a duel!
Seto: So it is true what they say about you. You are insane!
Rebecca: Excuse me?
Seto: You wouldn't last a minute in a duel against me!
JK: NOT NOW! Settle this on your own time. Those are everyone's roles. You will all go home and memorize your lines. Got it?
(They nod vigorously.)
If anyone wants to be in the audience, please tell me so. The only payment I require is a review! (And also, if you want to, tell me a bit about the personality you have. I don't want to make anyone seem like an idiot by accident.)
Also, thanks to anyone who actually took the time to read the prologue. And even if you don't want to be in the audience, review anyway! Thanks!
Note: I won't be updating this in a while because I'm busy working on my other fanfic and I also have a LOT of work to be doing for school. And even so, I will only continue if I have at least six people in the audience.