Author's Note: Mwahahahahahahaha! I did it again. Couldn't help myself. Two Blondes turned into a damned Mary Sue, so I just had to write this to make up for the sins of my past. This, hopefully, won't be too Mary Sue-ish. I must admit it, as well, that what really inspired this fic was an essay by Architeuthis,
who writes at the same place the PPC was banished to. It was all about how to make a plausible fic about OC's and it inspired me. I'm gonna try and make this as realistic as possible. I started by putting in my haircut, which I got after I had written the first page or so. I hope this fic actually turns out somewhat good. I'd love to break 27 for most reviews I've gotten. It'd be fun. Not that I'm getting any reviews for Don't Ask Me, or anything. Damn everything. *goes off to take her damn Prozac*
Disclaimer: You know the damn drill. I don't own anything! I only own myself. Whit owns herself, Kar owns herself, and Dominic Monaghan owns himself, not that I'll ever get to meet him or talk to him or ANYTHING! *is bitter, ok?*
A/N 2: The bitterness ain't my fault this time. My friend said she got a guys number for me and today she told me it wasn't even the guys number. How fun is that? *REALLY needs her Prozac at this point*
A/N 3: How lame would it be to beg for reviews? *does it anyway* PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!! REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!
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Wreaking Havoc
(or Whit, Kar, and Amber really DO go to Middle Earth)
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"Oww!" yelled Amber as her and her two friends landed in a lump on some very hard ground. "Now that was just plain sucky," she grumbled, trying to get her limbs untangled.
"Amber! You're on my head!" Came a muffled yell from underneath Amber. Whitney slapped Amber's leg, and yelled again, a few cuss words that would almost make Jason Mewes blush.
"Ground go boom," muttered Karyn, looking around dazedly. "And also, umm, owwwwwww," she moaned, trying to get untangled as well.
"Where'd the theater go?" Whitney asked, being the first one to look at their surroundings.
"Hell if I know," Amber said, looking around as well.
"Ouchie wouchie," mumbled Karyn, feeling the very large bump on the back of her head.
"Forest. Is forest good?" Amber asked, looking around, puzzled as the rest of non-concussioned girls.
"Forest bad, seeing as how we were just in the friggin movie theater," Whitney said, trying to get her surroundings but failing miserably.
"Lookies!" Karyn shouted, starting to gain a bit of her senses back. "People!" She pointed to the trees to the left of them. And sure enough, nine people came walking through the trees.
"Amber?" Whitney whispered. "Is it just me, or are you thinking that those people should be on the screen, not right next to us?"
"Holy shit!" Amber shrieked, not hearing Whitney and her not so damn loud question. "It's the Fellowship!"
"Hobbits!" Screamed Karyn, trying to glomp one or two of them, being held back by Whitney's hand on her shirt. "But it's hobbits," she wailed, trying to get Whitney to let go.
"Didn't we do this in a fic once?" Amber asked herself, confused.
"Yeah, but it turned into a Mary Sue, remember?" Whitney said, still trying to hold back Karyn. "Oh, just go already!" she yelled, releasing her grip on Karyn's shirt. Karyn then proceeded to tackle one of the hobbits, Pippin to be exact.
"Mine, my own, my precious..." Amber muttered, before getting smacked by Whitney, the only almost sane one there, at the moment, at least. "Oww again."
The blonde elf then spoke, a language no one understood. Whitney spoke back, using a different language. "What'd he say? What'd you say?" Amber asked, not following any of this whole thing.
"Well, he spoke in Westron, which I don't know, so I told him in Elvish that we were lost travelers from another plane of existence, and that we can't speak Westron, and you guys can't speak Elvish." Whitney grinned, and Amber glared in return.
"Oh yeah, brag about knowing Elvish some more, please?" Karyn said sarcastically.
"Why are we here if we don't know any of the damn languages?" Amber yelled, starting to get angry and somewhat impatient.
"Like I know?" Karyn yelled back, joining Amber in her mood.
Whitney then proceeded to speak some more in Elvish, much to the annoyance of her two friends. By the end of whatever she was saying, Karyn was making faces and Amber was giving Whitney bunny ears, and they were both giggling. "Quit!" Whitney yelled at her two friends. But instead of looking angry, she just giggled at Karyn's most recent face.
"So?" Amber asked, taking down her bunny ears.
"Well, they pretty much understand that we don't know how we got here, and that we're not the bad guys. And Gandalf said that he knows a spell that'll help you understand and speak Westron. Sound good?" Whitney finished, asking her friends.
"A-ok Whitters," Karyn said, giving a thumbs up.
"Ya know," Amber said slowly. "This could get very entertaining for us..." Leaving off, letting the others' imaginations do all the work.
"Perv," Whitney said, making a face herself.
"Ok, head OUT of the gutter! I meant, we could wreak havoc, just like we do in our ficcys." Amber said, grinning evilly.
Whitney let out a celebratory "Woot!" as Karyn jumped up and down excitedly, doing what everybody called her hyper active puppy mode.
"And no VampAmber to keep us from doing stuffs!" Yelled Karyn, still being a hyper active puppy.
"Get that girl some Ritalin," Amber mumbled under her breath, causing Whitney to giggle. "Yo, Gandalf, on with the spell, ok?" She hollered, even though she knew he wouldn't understand a word she said. Her eyebrows went up at that thought. "They can't understand a word we say," she said, almost to herself.
"No duh Amber," Whitney told her. It didn't daunt Amber for one second, though.
"Hey Leggo-man! Whitters here thinks you're hot stuff! And Pippin, Karyn thinks you're one seriously hot hunk of hobbit-ness. And I think Merry is the hottest damn hobbit ever!" Amber yelled this all, trying her hardest to keep a straight face throughout it all.
"Excuse me?" Merry asked, staring at Amber, just as the other fellowship members were.
"Gandalf did the spell while I was yelling, didn't he?" Amber said through gritted teeth.
"Yuppers," Whitney said, nodding. "Right about when you started talking about Merry."
"Oh shit," Amber said, still through gritted teeth. "I thought as much." Karyn just huggled her friend.
"Poor poor Amby," Karyn said, using the nickname only her, Whitney, and a VERY few others were allowed to use without getting severely hurt.
"Pardon me while I curl up and die," Amber said politely, sitting down cross legged on the ground and putting her head on her shoes, something she did often when she didn't feel like dealing with something.
"Is your friend all right?" Legolas asked, but Whitney could barely answer, because she was drooling like the fangirl she claimed she wasn't.
"She does that," Karyn managed to say, alternating between staring at Pippin like a starving person would a T-bone steak with a baked potato on the side, and glancing around nervously, just in case VampAmber really DID show up to spoil everyone's fun.
"Why does the ground never swallow you up whole when you want it to?" Came the question, muffled by the curtain of thick blonde hair that Amber seemed to have been hiding behind.
Karyn just ruffled Amber's hair. "Miss a Prozac or something, Amby?"
"No, I only just made a total ass of myself in front of my biggest drool toy. I bet you'd probably feel just peachy, too," Amber replied, scowling.
"She missed a Prozac," Karyn whispered to Whitney. Whitney only nodded. Karyn then looked around, confused. "Whit? What movie were we just watching?"
"The Tow Towers," Whitney answered. "What? You've forgotten already?"
"No. I mean, who do you see that really shouldn't be here?" Karyn said, still looking kinda confused.
Whitney glanced back and forth, then hit her forehead with her hand. "Duh! Borimir's still kicking, and Gandalf's still gray. And also, the fellowship is still all together. Ok, that is definitely NOT right!"
"We got sent to the land of the first book," came the muffled voice almost hidden by hair, yet again. Amber stood up this time, though, and brushed the dirt off of her blue jeans. "So?" She said, sounding very chipper, as if she had never felt bad at all. "Shall we play Mary Sue and tag along with the fellowship?"
"Do you even need to ask, Amb?" Whit said, looking as if Amber had just asked if the sky was blue or something equally as obvious.
"No, but I felt, why not play the part?" Amber said in a matter of fact way. Grinning, acting as if she had never been humiliated, she skipped over to the fellowship. "So, you guys? What say we tag along? We could provide a bit of comic relief?" The fellowship just stared at the insane little girl.
"Why would we ever bring along three untrained, unarmed girls on a mission of this importance?" Borimir asked, wondering if it would be too impolite just to leave.
"Cuz if you don't take us with you, we're going to tag along anyway and probably get into trouble and get captured, then you'll hafta come and save us because you're too much of a good guy not to, and just taking us along now would save you guys ALL that trouble," Whitney said, thanking the Valar that she had read that essay on good reasons for future people going along with the fellowship.
"That, and I know how to cook and camp from my Girl Scout training," added Amber, not sure if it would help any.
"We must talk this over. Please excuse us for a brief minute?" Gandalf said, before him and the other eight travelers did a sort of group huddle thingie a few yards from the three psycho girls.
"They're just gonna ditch us, aren't they?" Karyn said, suddenly afraid that they were going to be left alone in the woods of Middle earth.
"No, they'd at least take us to the nearest city, or village or something. Too good hearted to just ditch unprotected girls in the wilderness," Whitney said, trying to remember how one makes a fire out of sticks, just in case the fellowship wasn't as 'good hearted' as she was making them sound.
Amber, on the other hand, was tying a few random sticks together with some vine-y looking strands of fiber she had found. Grabbing another stick, she tied it to her makeshift shelter, which was stating to vaguely resemble a very poorly put together teepee. " Ok, if I remember correctly..." she muttered under her breath, and grabbed another twig.
"What the hell are you doing, Amber?" Whitney asked.
"Well, if they ditch us, we'll need shelter," Amber said, just as the bit she had just stood up collapsed in a pile of wood and vines. "Damn!" Amber said, then started gathering thicker sticks.
All during this, the members of the fellowship kept glancing over at the girls, trying to figure out what to do.
"Can we not just take them to the nearest settlement and leave them?" Aragorn suggested.
"That wouldn't be very kind of us, sir. They seem incredibly lost. And that girl saying such things about Mister Merry even though she had never met him, they can't be very well put together upstairs, pardon my saying," Sam said, glancing at the girl with the longest of the hair.
"Sam's right. Just leaving them in a village that they don't know, it wouldn't be very kind. We should find out where they are really from, and try to find a way to get them back," Frodo said. Sam nodded in agreement after he finished speaking.
"Yes, that would most likely be the best course of action," Gandalf said, agreeing as well. The nine nodded, and they all stood up.
Meanwhile, Amber tied another thin twig to the roof, and stood back to see if it collapsed this time. It didn't. "Wow, I think you made a wood tent," Karyn said, touching it lightly and clapping when it didn't fall down.
"It's only big enough for one, though." Amber commented, sighing somewhat. "Gonna hafta build two more, now." She started gathering more thick sticks, Whitney and Karyn helping her this time.
"What is that thing," Gimli said gruffly, startling all three girls.
"It's shelter, duh. You know, a place to go into when it rains." Amber said in a superior kind of way. Her and the other two girls laughed.
"But how did you make it?" Gimli asked, still gruff sounding.
"Not the brightest crayon in the box, are ya?" Amber said sarcastically. Without waiting for anybody to ask her what she meant, she said "With sticks and bark." She didn't even bother saying the rest of the sentence. 'With sticks and bark, you dumbass.' Never call a guy with a huge axe a dumbass. Even Amber knew this.
"Wherever did you learn such a trick?" Gimli said, this time not sounding quite as gruff.
"Girl Scouts. Had to build a shelter in order to get our Camping merit badge. That and start one of those damn one match fires, but since no one has any matches, guess I'll hafta find some other way..." Amber trailed off, because she had just noticed she was babbling.
Whitney looked at all the confused faces surrounding her and her two friends. "Amber, next time try not to confuse the Middle-earthers? It could help in the long run."
Gimli walked back to the group, and they started debating again. "They may actually be somewhat useful," Gimli acknowledged reluctantly.
"Yes, they just might," Gandalf muttered. A very concentrated look passed his face. "Yes," he said after deciding. "We take them with us, see how they fare, and if all else fails, we leave them at the first town we cross. Agreed?" Everybody nodded their agreement, even a very doubtful looking Borimir.
Aragorn turned and started towards where the three girls were now trying, somewhat fruitlessly, to make a fire out of just a few sticks and some dried grass. They were concentrating so hard that they jumped when Aragorn cleared his throat. "You have proved some worth. We take you with us, at least until the next town. There we will decide whether you are to stay at the town, or keep traveling with us." Aragorn then motioned for them to follow, because the other fellowship members were already starting off in their original direction.
"Ok, somebody's gonna hurt us for being Mary Sue's, but hey, we get to go with the fellowship!" Karyn said, hopping up and down in excitement. Amber and Whitney joined her very quickly, each shouting random 'woot's and 'wahoo's.
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"You know, I really was expecting something more," Whitney said, trudging near the end of the line, with only Karyn and Amber behind her.
"It always does seem shorter in fics," Amber said, panting and trying to catch her breath.
"Yeah, you never see Mary Sue's panting and dripping in sweat," Karyn remarked before wiping a drip of sweat out of her eye. "That, and they always get there after just a few paragraphs. We've been friggin' hiking for hours and we're still not anywhere."
"And except for that Merry outburst of mine, the characters haven't really noticed our drooling tendencies," Amber said, sighing, then going back to panting.
"I'm gonna have horrible blisters," Whitney said, wincing, looking down at her bulky platform boots.
"And you're gonna have a bit of difficulty sleeping in that, too Whitters," Amber said, pointing out the fact that Whitney's punk-school-girl outfit wasn't exactly the most comfortable sleepwear ever invented.
"Yeah, you guys did luck out there," Whitney said, readjusting her safety pins on her shirt pocket.
Amber grinned smugly as she surveyed her gray shirt, blue jeans, camouflage army jacket and work boots, and Karyn's black "I see dumb people" T-shirt, red satin pants and sneakers. "Yup, I'm just all comfy wumfy," Amber said in a teasing voice. Whitney responded only by flipping the bird at Amber.
"Why the hell would any person, let alone a preppy Mary Sue, actually want to go through this sort of psychical torture?" Karyn said angrily, starting to drag her feet.
"Well, in Mary Sues, they always are only fifteen feet from the next stop, and those people are inhuman, so stuff like this never happens," Amber said bitterly. "If this were a Mary Sue, we'd already be there by now, Whitney would be having hot elf sex with Legolas, Karyn would be humping Pippin, and I'd be necking with Merry in a secluded bush. But it's not, no ones having hot anything sex, and my feet are killing me." Amber pushed a few stray strands of hair out of her face, and glared at Whitney and Karyn, who both had extra short hair.
"Yeah. Who needs orcs or the threat of Mordor if you've got painful footwear," Whitney said, only half joking. She grimaced.
Amber just replied with a pained "owwww".
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"Sun's down," Amber said for about the twentieth time.
"Don't really think they're listening, Amb," Whitney said. "Don't think they've been listening. Notice how they all walk ahead of us like we don't exist or something." Whitney pointed forward, where the fellowship was a half city block ahead of them. Walking their fastest, the girls only barely kept them in site.
"Damn everything," Amber grumbled.
"I think I wanna go home now," whispered Karyn. "I'm not having fun here."
Before either of her friends could offer a word of comfort, Gandalf yelled back at them "Set up camp, we're stopping for the night."
"Ooh, time for that thing called sleep," Amber said, looking a tiny bit less pathetic.
"C'mon, let's do as G-man over there says. Break out the twigs, we're having a tent warming." Whitney said, skipping off to start gathering sticks.
"The things sleep deprivation can do to one's brain," Amber muttered under her breath as her and Karyn trudged after their newly more psycho friend.
Over an hour later, they were finally putting finishing touches on the last twig tent. "Done, finally!" Amber exclaimed. "Now for sleep. Night night." She was so tired that she wasn't even making sense to herself at this point.
"Wahoo," Whitney exclaimed again, almost bouncing for some unknown reason. "Ooh, hyper. I oughta go write fic or something," she said, grinning evilly.
"Dude, Whit? That's me who writes insane fic at four A.M., not you." Amber said, looking as if she were about to fall asleep on her feet.
"Sleep," Karyn said, and the other two followed. Whitney basically fell down on her one blanket and was asleep instantly. Amber and Karyn didn't fall, but were asleep as soon as they lay down.
A few hours later, just before the sun even started rising, Amber snuck out of her tent made of twigs and over to where the fellowship had all laid. But instead of doing what a Mary Sue would do and snuggling up with her hunny of choice, she grabbed Sting. She started cutting all her hair off until it was shorter than both her friends' hair, the longest bit only about an inch long, and the back almost looked shaved. Gathering up the huge chunks of hair and tossing them behind a bush, she brushed off any stray hairs, then crawled back into her tent and promptly fell back asleep.