Hello! Unlike my usual, I have been working on some SAD stories and while I vow never to hurt Kuroko, I seem to have become sadistic. I'm sorry my love. But anyway, this may contain character death, MAY, but you just have to read in the end to know. Yes. AND THANK YOU TO KAREN FOR THE MOST AWESOME COMMENTS AND HELPING ME WITH THIS
Angsting is hard.
ANGSTING IS HARD WHEN YOU WANT TO GIVE YOUR MAIN CHARACTER A HUG.
please read and give reviews, really. Please. Like, I have the extreme need for them. I would love you all. Kuroko would love you all.
"Can't you be a little selfish, Kurokocchi? Even just for… just for a day…?"
"I don't think it will help at all, Kise-kun."
"Please. This… this is my only wish. I-I want…You're always thinking about others, Kurokocchi. I-I don't… " Kise bows his head, choking on his words.
There is a beat of emptiness, and Kise says, "I d-don't want it to end just like this. I'm sure… I'm sure they won't either."
There is a small silence, and then a little sigh.A little sigh that was something breaking, cracking. "I'm sorry, Kise-kun. It seems I can't do anything else but make you cry."
Kagami-kun is at the streetcourt again.
And Kuroko is watching him again. However, this time he's not behind a window, but in plain sight.
He greets Kuroko like an old friend - ruffling his hair until Kuroko grows annoyed enough to slap his hand away.
He laughs though - like nothing has changed for the past year.
It's the first time Kuroko hears him laugh again for a long while. And because Kagami-kun is Kagami-kun, he doesn't even bat an eyelash when Kuroko asks him to accompany him for the day.
"Kagami-kun," Kuroko calls out. The redhead looks down at him as he towels his hair, casually changing out of his T-shirt, not caring whether Kuroko sees him shirtless or not.
"What?"Kagami-kun replies.
"Would you like to watch a movie with me?"
Kagami-kun's reaction is priceless. His mouth plops open, a red flush slowly creeping to his ears. Kuroko can imagine the steam coming out of them.
"Don't say something embarrassing like that, idiot!"
Kuroko looks at him with a blank face, waiting patiently because he already knew the answer.
Kagami-kun never left his friends. Once he accepted you, you are his.
Kuroko isn't a likeable person. He teases relentlessly and it's hard for others to talk to him with his blank expression and fleeting emotions. Basketball is the only thing that connects him to others.
But he is Kagami-kun's.
Because after the Winter Cup, even after Kuroko had quit the basketball club, Kagami-kun stayed by him. He hounded him despite not being classmates anymore, and dragged him to eat lunch together even though there was nothing binding them.
He was still here.
He is still with Kuroko.
(Thank you.)
Kagami-kun glares at him for a question he has already forgotten and Kuroko blinks, a little lost in his thoughts. The redhead gives in with a sigh. "You… you mean I'm paying for everything, right?"
"…Yes." Kuroko deadpans, but there is a secret smile on his mouth, and Kagami-kun knows. He knows because he ruffles Kuroko's hair like he always had, before everything had gone wrong -
('I'm sorry, Kuroko.')
He slaps the hand away, and Kagami-kun boisterously laughs filling up the quiet silence, filling up Kuroko with memories and a promise of care and loyalty.
If you keep silent, you can hear a little part of Kuroko shatter.
(I'm sorry.)
They see Kise-kun by the cinema.
He is with Aomine-kun, and their little party of two becomes a group four. Suddenly everything was louder, much much brighter. Kagami-kun and Aomine-kun bicker by the popcorn booth, and Kise-kun meets his eyes, a sliver of a smile on his lips.
Kuroko smiles back at him as he hands him his soda, and ignores the way Kise's smile is almost like broken glass.
(Crack)
Despite his extra large cup, Kagami-kun becomes extremely thirsty in the middle of the movie. Kuroko quietly offers him his drink because Kagami-kun had bought them drinks, and Kuroko didn't really like the taste of his.
Like paper.
"Seriously?"Kuroko focuses on him, tilting his head. "Yes. Go drink, Kagami-kun."
"…This is vanilla flavored."
Beside him, Kise-kun shifts and Aomine-kun hisses for the popcorn.
Kuroko looks back at the movie, eyes straight through the protagonist's forehead. "It's too bland."
Kagami-kun looks at him and shrugs, muttering something about ungrateful brats and sweet tooths and weird taste buds, focusing once again on the movie.
A few minutes later, Kise-kun falls 'asleep' on his shoulder, and Kuroko pretends that he can't feel the tears soaking through his shirt.
Kagami-kun surprises him by ordering two milkshakes. Kuroko gazes at them like a treasure, mouth open and wondering, and the redhead chuckles.
He takes one.
He laughs at Kuroko's expression because his eyebrows had drawn together and his eyes are on Kagami's hands, on his milkshake. Aomine-kun laughs at his expression, and Kise-kun looks on with amused eyes.
"I ordered it for me," Kagami-kun says. Kuroko looks at him, endless blue eyes questioning and innocent. Kagami didn't trust those eyes, not one bit. He just knew that his best friend is slowly planning ways to misdirect his attention and take the milkshake for himself.
Slowly, mockingly, he takes a long sip from the straw, seeing Kuroko frown even more. "Kagami-kun is cruel," Kuroko comments. Kagami fakes a moan of delight, looking at the shake in wonder even though it tasted the same as the drink back in the movie.
"I don't want to be your friend anymore," Kuroko says. But they all know it's a joke. Aomine laughs again and Kise joins in, sipping on his own shake. Kagami couldn't help it, he also laughs.
Kuroko gazes at him, at his laughing face, and thinks that maybe one milkshake isn't so bad. He's quiet as the trio laugh and feels himself smile because this moment was perfect.
So he swallows and swallows until the paper on his tongue is gone, and his cup is empty.
Kagami-kun stops next to a sports store, saying something about a new design being released recently and wanting to check if there was still any stock. Kuroko knew that there would be no deterring him because Kagami-kun was passionate about the things he liked, and basketball was at the top of that list.
Aomine-kun and Kise-kun follow them with grins and smirks because basketball was something they all loved too after all. That hasn't changed.
So when Kagami-kun asks him if he wants to go, Kuroko grins as wide as he can and chokes out an "Of course."
Aomine-kun has disappeared off somewhere, and Kise-kun is probably with him trying to stop him from buying another pair of shoes. Kuroko sits quietly on the bench watching his best friend pick up different models, not dejected at all that what he wanted is out of stock.
("It's too dark.")
("What? It looks nice!")
("You're color sense is horrible, Kagami-kun.")
Then something catches Kagami-kun's eye, and he holds up a familiar model. "It's like yours," he says to Kuroko. Kuroko nods, eyeing the familiar blue streaks and the stark whiteness of it.
It was exactly like his shoes -
The one he had almost burned.
Suddenly Kagami-kun is gone, and Kuroko waits until the redhead pops up again, probably showing off another pair of footwear.
When he returns, Kagami-kun presses the bag against his hands and Kuroko sees a box inside. He doesn't need to peek to see white and blue. Suddenly, there's something building in his lungs and for a second, Kuroko feels like choking, drowning in the air.
"For when we play together again," Kagami-kun says, confident and sure of himself.
When. Kagami-kun is so certain.
Kuroko wants to scream. There's something in him that wants to shatter and watch Kagami-kun pick up the pieces and glue him back together because he was tired.
But Kagami-kun is watching and waiting. Because Kagami-kun still believed in Kuroko, that Kuroko was his partner.
Kuroko smiles.
"Of course, Kagami-kun."
(I'm sorry.)
(Sorry.)
(Sorry.)
(But we'll never be able to play together again.)
When he looks up after they exited the shop, it isn't Kagami-kun who is beside him but Kise-kun. Kind and caring Kise-kun who looks at him with accusation and something incredibly sad in his eyes.
"I wanted you to be selfish, Kurokocchi. Not hurt yourself," he says softly.
But Kuroko will never tell anyone else because while Kise-kun is selfish, Kuroko is not.
"Oi, Kuroko," Kagami-kun says and Kuroko pauses, looking up at the redhead who had stopped. The moonlight is bright on his face while Kuroko is under the shadows of the trees. They're in where they belonged - Kagami-kun with the light and Kuroko in the shadows.
('I don't want it to end just like this.')
(I'm sorry, Kise-kun.)
They're alone once again and even without the Kise-kun, Kuroko can still hear him. Can still see his heartbreaking smile, when Kuroko knew he just wanted to cry and say -
"What is the purpose of today?"Kagami-kun cuts in. Kagami-kun is serious, but Kuroko is calm. He had been for a long time.
('I'm sorry, Kuroko.')
There was a time he had been angry. There was a time he had felt betrayed. But now there is only acceptance and a slight bitter taste in his mouth.
He tries to recall what milkshake really tastes like.
He tries to remember how the burn in his muscles felt like after training, not the excruciating pain that sends Kise-kun to tears every time.
But it had been a long time since he's felt those normal things. Now there is only him and Kagami-kun.
"Kuroko?"Kagami-kun speaks up. Kuroko looks at him, the redhead who had been his best friend - his partner and light - and tries to recall what Kagami-kun really looks like, when his eyesight had been perfect and his vision wasn't blurry.
Today's…purpose? Kuroko supposes that that is one of the easy questions. He has a lot of answers.
Today…is a gift.
Today is Kuroko's selfishness.
Today is goodbye.
"I may not go to school for a while, Kagami-kun." He lies, because it's better than the truth.
Kagami-kun frowns, looking at him with alarm. "Why? Are you okay?"
"Yes."
(No.)
"Are you sick?"
"No, Kagami-kun."
(Yes.)
"Then what is it?"
(I'm dying.)
"Kagami-kun… is a big softie," Kuroko says instead with a soft look in his eyes. Kagami-kun raises an eyebrow at him in confusion, and Kuroko gives him a sincere smile. The best he can give. The only one he can offer before something gives.
"I'm leaving, and it may take a while before I come back."
(Please don't worry about me.)
Kagami-kun breathes deeply with eyes open wide, but because they are best friends Kuroko doesn't need to say anything out loud. Kagami-kun sees the sadness in his eyes. He reads what Kuroko wants to say; that he is leaving but he doesn't want to because he is Kagami's.
And Kagami-kun was also his.
(But Kuroko is not selfish.)
(He knows when to let go.)
There is a flash of emotion in Kagami-kun's eyes before calmness settles back in. Kuroko knows that his smile is still in his face, because his cheeks hurt and his eyes sting and no no he should can't cry.
Because he knows that emotion.
Because Kagami-kun will be lonely.
(But some things just aren't meant to be.)
"Okay." Kuroko looks up at Kagami-kun who sighs resignedly and ruffles his hair. The emotion is gone and there is only a tired smile on his face. Kuroko feels something crack because Kagami-kun is smiling so that he won't be worried and burdened.
Because even now Kagami-kun is caring for him when he is about to say goodbye.
Because Kuroko would forever be Kagami Taiga's - in ways that even he don't not know about.
Kuroko memorizes the feeling of Kagami-kun's fingers on his head, of the warmth that radiates off of him, of his kindness and his strength, and his single-minded desire to protect.An emotion fills up inside Kuroko, but he pushes it away - pushes it, steps on it, and locks it up because he can't deal with that.
He won't hurt Kagami-kun by saying that.
He can't.
Not when he is almost -
"…When you get back, we'll throw a party," Kagami-kun cuts into his thoughts again. He's grinning.
"…A party?" Kuroko asks.
The grin grows on Kagami-kun's face as the idea sinks, a little flower that blooms quietly, full of good intentions and happiness and hope. It unravels Kuroko and presses little shards of glass deeper and deeper into his chest.
Kuroko feels like choking again.
Kagami-kun is moving forward, but Kuroko's time has stopped.
And it takes everything Kuroko has not to break down as Kagami-kun wishes for the future when Kuroko knows better. That he would soon just be a past.
"Yes. A really extravagant party with Seirin and Kise and those other bastards, even Akashi if you really want him to; it's your party anyway. We're going to buy lots and lots of vanilla milkshake. There will be cake and…"
Kuroko closes his eyes.
Sometimes when the loneliness hits, he would imagine being with everyone - sitting quietly in the corner beside Kagami-kun and watching all his loved ones.
Kise-kun and Momoi-san are yelling at Aomine-kun for stealing the last dango.
Himuro-san is trying to lead Mursakibara-kun away from the candies.
Furihata-kun is trying to get up the courage to talk to an amused Akashi-kun for tips on being such a great point guard.
Midorima-kun is being harassed by Takao-san.
Riko-san is seated between a smiling Kiyoshi-senpai and a Hyuuga-senpai in clutch mode.
Mitobe-senpai is motioning to a grinning Koganei-senpai who was teasing Izuki-senpai about his bad score in the karaoke.
But every time he opens his eyes, there are only white walls and closed windows and Kuroko weeps, weeps for a future that will never be.
(Because he won't hurt them like that. He isn't selfish.)
(But it is lonely.)
(Sometimes he wonders what would happen if he tells them. Will they cry at his funeral and recount fond memories in tears instead of living everyday wondering why he had disappeared?)
Suddenly, there is the sound of tolling bells and Kuroko looks up at the giant clock tower blankly as it tolled midnight. There is only Kagami-kun here. There are no walls and unreachable skies. There are bright stars and the moon.
For the first time for a long while, Kuroko felt a little free.
" - so come back quickly, okay?" Kagami-kun finishes painting his picture and Kuroko tucks it into himself, holding it tight and swearing that he would never forget it, that he would always dream of it, day and night.
Kuroko nods, slowly smiling at Kagami-kun. This is it.
This is goodbye. For good.
Thank you. Thank you for existing. Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for all these memories, these memories that I will carry and treasure even after I die. Thank you for caring for me, for seeing me.
Thank you for being my light.
Thank you for accepting someone like me as your shadow.
Thank you, Kagami-kun.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm sorry.
I've always wanted to play with you again.
I've always wanted to tell you three little words, and watch your face when you realize I'm serious.
But some things aren't meant to be.
There's something that changes in Kagami-kun's expression, and Kuroko realizes that something is dripping from his eyes. He tries to stop it, but he suddenly sees the white walls and the closed window and the sharp pain of the needles and the burning pain, and Kuroko is lonely.
(He is so tired.)
("I don't want to leave.")
It's the first time Kuroko cried ever since that day.
('I'm sorry, Kuroko-kun.')
(He is sorry, too.)
There's a hand ruffling his hair again, and Kagami-kun is holding him in an awkward one arm embrace. "Hey, I thought I was the softie here. D-don't cry, idiot."
Kuroko would've laughed but it sinks in that this is the last time,and the tears pour harder and Kuroko feels impossibly sad.
One day, Kagami-kun will move on.
One day, Kuroko will just be a memory, a little something from the past.
One day, his friends will stop looking for him. One day he just wouldn't be invisible.
Kuroko will be gone.
Kuroko puts his arms around Kagami-kun, pressing himself to the boy, anchoring himself even as the other boy freezes and sputters. It's like if he lets go, he'll feel like he's going to be swept away - far away from his best friend, the person who had saved him when he hated the things he now loved.
Kagami-kun is bright.
Kagami-kun is home.
(Maybe he was selfish all along.)
(Maybe he just wanted someone to notice.)
(Maybe he was scared that they will run away.)
(Maybe he just didn't want to accept the truth.)
(Because his calm was fake. He wasn't ready. No no, he doesn't want to die.)
But the tolling continues. It is too late, and Kuroko's mind has already been made up.
('Please just be a little selfish')
(I'm sorry, Kise-kun)
(But my time's already up.)
Kuroko lets go, sniffling and unable to look up at his best friend.
"It's just going to be a long while, Kagami-kun… before we get to go on a date again."The response is instantaneous. Kagami-kun whacks him gently in the head.
"Stop saying things like that, bastard."
"…Hai." Kuroko's voice is small, and Kagami-kun looks down at him, ruffling his hair once, twice and Kuroko wishes that this moment goes on forever. That this little thing will not be lost.
But the day is already over and time does not stop.
"I'll have to get back now, Kagami-kun."
Kagami-kun doesn't say anything but steps away from him, and Kuroko cannot look up at him because he knows that he would never want to leave. He turns.
He is Kagami Taiga's.
But the redhead isn't his.
(To the best friend I could ever have…)
"Kuroko!" Kagami-kun calls.
"…Hai?"
"See you later!"
He can imagine it. The grin plastered on Kagami-kun's face. And Kuroko pretends. Pretends that his own smile is genuine, that his smile isn't cutting and bitter like broken glass.
(Be happy.)
And when Kuroko lies on the bed with Kise-kun sobbing by his side surrounded by the white walls, he finds himself smiling, tears at the corner of his eyes.
Because Kise-kun is selfish.
And there are other people crying with him, and it isn't quite like how Kuroko imagined it so long ago -
But they all are there. Crying and wailing and sobbing, but they stayed with him in his last months. And Kuroko knows that he is filled to the brim with happy memories that he swears he will never to forget. He has enough to last him a lifetime.
He is happy.
That night when all had left with teary goodbyes and Kuroko's having a hard time opening his eyes, Kagami-kun is there. He's lying beside him, whispering the three little words that Kuroko loved hearing. And he opens his eyes, and smiles.
"Me too, Kagami-kun. I love you too," Kuroko softly whispers. He couldn't hear the other one's reply anymore, but there is warmth that encases him and he is safe - he is home. He closes his eyes for the final time with a soft and genuine smile on his face.
Because he was… no, he is Kagami Taiga's. Forever.
And at least for a short while, Kagami Taiga was his.
So I DID kill my precious cinnamon roll, but I GAVE HIM A HAPPY ENDING. SO YES, YOU MAY KILL ME NOW AFTER I KILL MYSELF FOR PUTTING KUROKO THROUGH ALL THAT PAIN.
Review please?