Sometimes You Need A Friend (1)
Author's Note:This is set after the Lady in the Lake episode in series 2. Gwen knows that Merlin is very down for some reason, and makes it her job to discover what is causing it. As she finds out she realizes just how much she does not know about her friend.
Gwen was coming to the end of her day when she headed for the washing room, with a bundle of Morgana's clothes. Once she'd washed and hung them up she looked forward to a quick snack and bed. She pushed the door opened and began to walk in. She was so focused on not dropping anything, that she didn't see the figure until she was right by him, standing stock still in the centre of the room.
She gave out a little cry. "Oh sorry." She apologised, looking at the figure she realised it was Merlin. She walked over to him and arrived by him just in time to see him quickly wipe away a tear out of his eye.
"Oh hi Gwen." He replied, as if embarrassed by being discovered like this.
"Merlin what is the matter?" Gwen asked, concerned by his apparent state. Gwen watched as the boy tried to pull himself together, but his sudden cheerfulness did not fool her for a minute. She had noticed in the last week that her friend had been somewhat different. It was as if he was hiding some sort of heartbreak.
From the first moment she'd met him Gwen had been aware that with Merlin some things were always left unsaid. She respected him too much to put him under any pressure, she always thought in her own mind that there maybe a good reason for it. So she had always made it clear to him that he could come to her, if he ever needed to. But this was different he seemed suddenly so fragile and vulnerable she knew she had to at least try and find out what was bothering him at this moment.
"I thought you could come home with me I have a problem and could do with someone else's opinion." Gwen said, eyeing him carefully. She could sense him fighting with himself, and that in itself was a sure sign that things were not good. He would usually instantly agree, and she suddenly felt afraid for him.
"Okay there is something I need to speak to you about actually." He eventually replied. "I'll help you hang these up."
"Thank you." Gwen smiled, watching him transform into the Merlin she was more familiar with, the one that would always help his friends, no matter what. But as she watched him closely she knew deep down that something that was still up. His bounce had gone, the way he walked on his toes, now he seemed slow, ponderous almost. His face was a mask that he battled to hold onto. Every now and then his eyes would open and shut as if he was still battling with some intense emotion.
By the time they'd finished darkness was starting to penetrate all parts of the citadel. They walked towards the lower town to Gwen's house in relative silence. Gwen battled in her own mind as to how to proceed with him, as she could still sense how fragile her friend was, and wondered what on earth had caused him to be that way. She knew it would be a battle as Merlin liked to keep his secrets. Even when she was talking to him she felt he only gave her what he wanted her to know. In most cases she would accept it, but now was different she really could sense that he needed a friend's shoulder like never before.
She poured them a drink watching him sit down heavily on one of the chairs, she watched him battle away in his mind, not quite knowing how to proceed. As it was he beat her to it.
"I meant to say before I will pay for the dress you never got back." Merlin assured her, fingering his glass.
Gwen struggled to understand what he meant for a second, and then suddenly it came back, she was grateful for being able to lighten the atmosphere somewhat.
"Oh you mean the moths!" she exclaimed, a twinkle in her eyes, as she remembered Merlin taking the dress belonging to Morgana, for some purpose.
Merlin looked at her, a slight embarrassed look on his face. He nodded, trying to return the smile, but she noticed it never reached his eyes.
"Merlin it would take you ages to pay for it. Morgana has a wardrobe full with dresses, she is not going to miss one." Gwen assured him. An idea occurred to her then. "Did the dress come in handy?" she asked looking at him carefully.
There was a pause before he replied quietly. "Yes it did, thank you."
There was a pause before she said anything else. "I bet she looked lovely in it." Gwen smiled, wondering why the idea hadn't occurred to her before.
"She never knew Gwen, she was already dead when I dressed her in it." Merlin replied, a tear dropping down his face.
"Oh Merlin." Gwen replied, coming over to sit by him. She held his hand as a few more tears followed. "I knew something was up with you."
"I was going to run away with her you know, but fate intervened." Merlin murmured.
Gwen noticed that he couldn't look up all of a sudden, she felt intrusive but couldn't help but ask. "Run away? I had no idea you were even seeing anyone." Gwen said, somewhat shocked.
But when she thought about it, it all made sense. She was angry with herself for not trying to help earlier.
Merlin replied. "She was so lovely I had never felt as happy as I did when I was with her. I mean intensely happy then suddenly she was gone."
"Your first love is always powerful Merlin." Gwen smiled, squeezing his hand. What happened?"
"It's not important now. She was gone too soon though." Merlin replied, closing his eyes.
Gwen sensed that he was back to keeping things to himself, but was anxious not to push him too much now. She was still shocked at what he'd told her, and even more surprised that she hadn't guessed.
"You know I'm here whenever you need to speak about it." Gwen said, watching him wipe his eyes.
"Yes I know and thanks for listening." Merlin sniffed, a tiny smile on his face. "It's getting late I'd best get back to Gaius."
Gwen watched him get up, and couldn't help but asked. "Merlin what was her name?"
"Freya." Merlin replied, actually smiling, a smile that immediately transformed his face.
To Gwen when he said her name it sounded almost like a caress. She couldn't help but smile back, delighted to see the Merlin she loved was suddenly back, few smiles transformed a face the way Merlin's did. "That is a pretty name." Gwen said.
"She was a pretty girl, in another life you two would have become friends." Merlin replied. He turned to go, but suddenly came back. "Oh I thought you needed some help."
"It doesn't matter Merlin I think I have the answer now." She smiled.
Merlin had looked at her puzzled, but eventually understood. "Thank you for being here when I needed someone."
"That's what friends are for Merlin." Gwen shrugged, looking him in the eye. "Never forget that."
Part 2
Author's Note: This is from Merlin's point of view and is set around the time of him and Arthur searching for Morgana at the beginning of series 3. As Merlin struggles with his own demons concerning Morgana a conversation with Gwen reminds him that he is not the only one who has worries.
It was going on three months since Morgana had gone missing and tension stalked the citadel. Uther was a man possessed as he sent his son out time after time on quests to bring his beloved ward back home. As Merlin walked around the corridors he felt the turgid atmosphere, pull at him from every angle. He was still having nightmares as he relived the poisoning of his former friend. It would wake him up in the middle of the night, sweat pouring down his face, as he was awoken haunted by the look on Morgana's face, as she realized what he'd done to her.
It was not just that though that was getting him down. It was also the effect that Morgana's absence was having on his friends. He could sense Arthur becoming almost reckless in his desire to rescue his half-sister. Merlin found he was continually questioning his friend's decisions when they were on their quests. It hurt Merlin to see how Arthur blamed himself for not protecting Morgana, when in fact it was Merlin's fault that she'd disappeared.
It was not just Arthur either, but Gwen was suffering too, in fact in some ways even more so. His friend had not been herself for a while, and Merlin no longer knew what to say to her. It had got to the stage where even her hopefulness had disappeared, which was very unlike her, as she tended to look on the bright side. He had decided to seek her out and see how she was, but he found himself in a quandary.
On the one hand Morgana being missing from Camelot was in a way a blessing for Merlin. At least it meant that he wouldn't have to face the consequences of his action. But that was in direct comparison to how Gwen felt about it, as she like everyone else knew nothing about it. He was totally unsure about how to go about things, yet he knew he had to say something as his friend was suffering.
He found her in the laundary trying to making herself busy. Once again he noticed how down she appeared to be. When she noticed him, he could tell she was trying to make an effort.
"Merlin, how are you? You look exhausted was the last journey difficult?" she asked.
"I thought it would never end, it was very remote the landscape, with few places we could hide ourselves." Merlin admitted, passing her an item to hang.
"Poor you, I find myself constantly worrying at the moment," Gwen admitted. "When it isn't about Morgana, then Arthur and you. Every time I see you all leave on another quest I keep thinking you will disappear just like Morgana."
"Now come on I keep telling you we'll be fine." Merlin smiled, trying to pep he up. "Don't I always bring Arthur back?"
Gwen nodded, "And Morgana?" she asked.
Merlin's eyes clouded over for a second as he read the worry on his friend's face and once again the fear in his own mind, at what Morgana returning could mean for him. But as he saw Gwen struggling with her emotion, he vanished any negative thoughts for himself away into the back of his mind. He couldn't let his friend at a time like this.
"I promise you we will find her and bring her back Gwen." Merlin replied, "Don't worry."
"It's not just because she's my friend. I just fear for the future if she isn't found as well. I mean they've been very good at giving me other duties, but what happens if she isn't found? Does that mean I will lose my job too, and then there is the house as well. If I don't have a job I won't be able to keep that either. It is the only tangible thing I have left of my father" Gwen explained, suddenly overcome with tears.
Merlin sighed, that hadn't even occurred to him, for the first time he saw her awkward predicament. Suddenly a new determination appeared and he led her over to the chair in the corner of the room, sitting her down. "You will not lose your house I will personally see to that. Don't you remember the promise that Arthur gave to you after your father's death? Arthur is a man of honour we will see to it no matter what that you will be okay."
Gwen nodded, grabbing a hold of Merlin's hand. "Thank you. I'm so sorry you've found me in this state, usually I can cope with everything, but lately it has been a struggle." Gwen admitted, attempting a smile.
"It is hardly surprising and we all need a shoulder from time to time don't we?" Merlin asked. "Isn't that what you always tell me?"
"Yes I do and it's true the same offer is there for you too. I do wonder about Morgana though, Merlin." Gwen admitted.
Merlin was suddenly intrigued. "What do you mean?"
"There was a time she would tell me everything, but just before she was snatched I sensed that she was keeping secrets from me." Gwen explained, "I can't put my finger on what, but just a feeling that I had."
Merlin thought for a second not quite sure what to say. He knew only too well how Morgana had been feeling, the isolation and the trouble about discovering her magic for the first time. But he could not tell Gwen that, and for a second he struggled about what to say. But suddenly he thought of his own position when the most important thing he had needed was a friend, a support for him as he struggled to acclimatize to his changing situation. He knew this was something Morgana would need in the days ahead, and he knew that Gwen would not let her down.
"I just think she will need your support when we get her back here. I think we're not just servants to Morgana and Arthur, but also friends." Merlin said, simply a smile of encouragement on his face.
He could see she was considering his statement, and was relieved when she nodded her head in agreement.
"Arthur certainly needs you." Gwen smiled. "You look famished, go and see Gaius."
"Are you sure you are all right?" Merlin asked, looking her in the face.
"I'm fine." Gwen assured him.
He slowly allowed himself to get up taking a couple more seconds to assure himself that she would be okay. Gwen's face had become stronger and her eyes seemed a bit brighter. He relaxed knowing he had done everything he could.
"Merlin." Gwen called as he reached the door.
He turned around she had got up and came over to him, resting her hand on his shoulder.
"Thank you for this, and also everything else." Gwen said, softly her eyes full of emotion.
For a second Merlin was confused about what she meant, but as they smiled at each other it didn't really matter. He knew he would always have her support and friendship, as she would always have his. For a second his demons about Morgana did not matter, as he found great strength in the simple statement, he'd just heard. Suddenly his world did not seem so heavy on him now.
The End