The Scattering Petals of the White Rose
Self-preservation is something that is instilled within the very essence of every living being in the world. That is why every living being will naturally seek life instead of death and they will do so even if it means sacrificing the lives of others.
Survival of the fittest ... That is the most fundamental law of nature and also the naked truth of this ruthless world. If you are kind and gentle, people will take advantage of you and even step on you in order to be one step closer to their own goals. It doesn't matter if you are friends with them. There is always the possibility of them stabbing you in the back when you aren't looking. To avoid being used, betrayed and stepped on by others, you will have to be at the top and the only way to achieve this will be to hardened your heart and be even more ruthless than everyone else.
Therefore, there is no such thing as a completely selfless person in this world. No matter how noble a person's cause may seem to the world, it must certainly be in the person's favor in one way or another. So, I have never thought of myself as being noble or selfless in making this decision, even though I know very well that this very decision will result in my own death and bring much grief to those who are dear to me. It is something that must be done, something that I must do.
My white mare seems to have sense my anxiety as it suddenly stopped on its track and raised its tilted head to glance at me. Its action had somehow comforted me and I am glad that I am at least accompanied by my faithful companion of fifteen years in the last few hours of my life. With a smile, I stroke its pale yellow mane tenderly. This may be the last time I get to do so, as do everything else that I had or haven't done in this long life...
"Let's go," I said to my mare before urging her to trot forward. In my mind, I remembered a scene that had happened quite some time ago...
When I first saw you, I couldn't believe that you're an immortal like me.
I doubted you not because of your sincerity and dedication in helping the villagers. Instead, it is because all I could see in front of me at that time was a man so weary and frail that he could possibly just crumble if I was to just leave him alone. When you turned to my direction and our eyes met, I could instantly sense the pain, anguish and regret within your wine-colored orbs with as much clarity as one would view the surface of pure water. At that moment, I realized that you are actually similar to me in more ways than just being an immortal.
We are both searching for the meaning of our existences.
"What's your name?"
I had asked the question a few days after our first encounter, while we were sitting under the shade of a tree and observing the villagers toiling at their fields enthusiastically. It was strange to me that you had never mentioned your name and that you were always regarded as 'lord' by the villagers. You didn't answer my question for a long while and I thought that you had not heard me. It wasn't the first time you had spaced out in the middle of a conversation. So, I was just about to repeat myself when you suddenly spoke in a barely audible tone, almost as if you didn't wish to talk about it.
"I forgot my own name..." you said while keeping your gaze on the villagers at the field, but it was evident that your mind was drifting off somewhere else. "Because it's been such a long, long time ... since anyone had called me..."
At that moment, I sincerely felt sorry for you because I could not possibly imagined what you had gone through to be so ... broken and lost. I was once in a similar situation as you. After losing both of my parents, everything became meaningless to me, including living. It was thanks to my gentle mentor that I was able to climb out from the cage of despair that I had built around myself. Therefore, it hurt me to watch you in this manner. Even though we had only known each other for a few days at that time, I wanted to ease your misery, even if it's only a little of it.
"In that case, I will have your name be 'Kaname', spoken and spelled like the name of my hometown."
You reacted to my statement by staring unwaveringly at me with a blank face. I can't tell what you were feeling at the moment, but for some unknown reasons, your indifferent expression just annoyed me to no end.
So, I looked away from you and said, "It's alright if you don't like it. It's your name, after all."
"No, it's not that," you replied in your usual monotone voice. Wondering what you were trying to tell me, I then looked back at you. "I am just ... surprised to be given a name. May I ... know how do you write it?"
Although you were still lacking in emotions in the way you speak, I could see a tiny glint of joy in your usually vacant eyes.
"Certainly, Kaname."
With a smile, I proceeded to slowly write down the name, stroke by stroke, on the dirt ground with my finger.
I tugged on the rein of my mare as I realized that I have reached my destination. A group of humans were already waiting for me at the entrance of the hidden settlement as I had informed them earlier about my arrival and most importantly, the purpose of my visit. As my mare came to a complete stop, I dismounted and landed gracefully on my feet. Turning towards the group of humans, I looked over every one of them and sensed nothing but fear and apprehension. Poor beings... There is truly nothing more terrifying than being helpless in defending yourself.
"You claim that... you figured out a way for us to gain the power to fight those things at an equal level?" yelled one of the men from behind the group.
"Don't fall for her trap! She's one of their leaders!"
"Yeah!"
"That's true!"
"Don't worry," I said in a raised voice in order to be heard amidst the loud chattering noise of the group of people in front of me. It worked for they quieted down gradually. "I hid from my people that I am coming here. However, the method I have for you to gain that power is one by which I cannot guarantee your survival."
The chattering noise resumed at the mention of my last statement.
"It's a lie, I told you!"
"She is just going to kill us!"
"Stop it! All of you!" yelled a man, who squirmed his way to the front of the group and stood with his back facing me. He appeared to be in his mid-twenties, but his hair was an unusual shade of greyish-silver. "Be more rational! If she's going to kill us, she could have done it the moment she arrived here and we wouldn't have stood a chance! Think about it!"
"Yeah... That's right," murmured some of the people in the group in a defeated tone.
"We all are given a choice to choose, whether to risk our lives in gaining a way to fight back or to just sit there and wait to be killed!" The man then turned to me, his mauve eyes were burning with fierce determination. "I, Kiryu Keniichi, will choose to take this risk!"
"I don't hate humans either, Kaname."
I nodded to Keniichi before looking towards the group of people and said, "Bring me to the blast furnace. We will begin everything from there."
"That's why, I cannot forgive those people who forgot their purpose in life and played with those weak and yet, strong lives that instinctively continue to hope. There's no way I could silently keep watching."
Much to my relief, Keniichi managed to survive through the agony that arose right after consuming a large amount of my blood. After witnessing the entire process, the other humans had also decided to join in the man's footstep. Of course, out of ten humans, only three will survive. Even so, the number of people that were willing to take the risk kept increasing. Perhaps, they had changed their minds after thinking through what Keniichi had said earlier.
However, I could certainly felt myself grew weaker every time I gave my blood to the humans. My body couldn't keep up with the rapid loss of blood and it was evident that this resulted in slowing down my regeneration. The wound I had deliberately inflicted on my wrist was recovering slower by every cut I made. If this went on, I will truly die. It's not that I am afraid to die, but I must at least survive until everything is accomplished as I had planned.
"I want to be useful to people... To be useful to Kaname, too."
"Is that ...all?" I said in between gasps of breath.
"Yes, but are you alright?" asked Keniichi worriedly. Truth to be told, I am grateful that there was at least one human, who could sincerely be worried about the well-being of an immortal like me. "Perhaps, we should treat your wrist first."
My wrist was still bleeding profusely as the regeneration had stopped since a while ago. However, I didn't pay it much heed. After all, there was only one thing left for me to do. When that was done, it will all be over.
"I will be... alright... Thank you... Kiryu-san," I said with a weak smile before slowly hobbling my way towards the blast furnace.
Kaname, I knew that even after all this time, you are still searching for a way to die.
I stared at the burning flames of the furnace. Earlier, I have asked the humans to throw every piece of metal that they could find into the furnace. It should probably be enough to work.
"Even though we live for a longer time, have incredible powers and our wounds always healed faster, we still feel pain and emotions as much as the Humans do. As long as we still have these feelings, we aren't like them. We aren't monsters, Kaname."
Closing my eyes, I placed my right hand on my chest, where my heart is beating faintly at the moment.
Don't you remember that I once told you that we were born this way for a reason?
"This is good bye," I whispered softly to the wind.
This is my reason for living, Kaname.
Mustering every bit of strength that I had left, I dug my hand into my chest and grab a hold of my still beating heart...
You have a reason too, which is why you mustn't give up on living.
... and tore out my heart.
There's something only you can do. That's why...
I am not sure if the pain that I was experiencing was due to my torn-out heart or something else, but it was truly unbearable. After sparing one brief look at my heart that was grasped within my bloodied hand, I flung it into the furnace.
"Even if I am not with you, you must work hard."
Seeing that I had accomplished what I had intended to do, my lips curved up to form a contented smile and I allowed my knees to buckle from under me. I was falling backward and in those few brief moments before I touched the ground, Kaname's face from the time when we first met appeared in my mind, along with the words that he had said when I told him my name.
"Kirei...The name suits you well."
"Why do you say so?"
"It means 'beautiful', am I right?"
I couldn't say that we are lovers as we have never confessed or mentioned of love to one another. However, Kaname is certainly very dear to me and I am glad that we have met. That is something that I could say with utmost certainty.
Thank you for everything, Kaname...