Author's Note: This is the beginning of a major re-write of a story that was originally posted starting in January, 2004. I tried to post the re-write over the original story, but as I re-wrote, the story got richer, deeper and longer, and I realized it was going to be much too confusing if I continued that way. So, the re-write will be posted as a new story, which in many ways it is. If you enjoyed the story the first time, I hope you will enjoy even more this time. If you missed it, I think you are in for a hell of a ride. I hope you agree.
Standard Disclaimer. I do not own FFX or the characters in it. I wish. They are owned by Square-Enix. I do own this story, and my original characters, who begin to appear in Chapter Three.
Half asleep, he rolled over and his right hand automatically began to search beside him, but when his shoulder landed on a sharp rock, he came fully awake in an instant. "What the hell…" he muttered, as he sat up and looked around. His remaining eye saw the star-bright sky, undimmed by any city's lights, reflected on the ocean before him.
His arms locked around his knee, he studied the stars above for a sign, and found it, high in the heavens. A constellation he had not seen in over ten years, because the Phoenix only rose from its ashes in the southern night sky on Spira. He was home. He picked up one of the sharp rocks that surrounded him, and fisted his bare left hand around it until it drew blood. He was home, and he was alone.
Where is the boy? he finally wondered. We left together. Where is he? Where am I? The man stood, and slowly turned around, attempting to get more of a sense of his current location. The sea, a narrow, rocky shore, a towering cliff. No lights, no village in sight, not even a cluster of huts, no sign of any habitation, human or otherwise. No indication of another washed-up traveler like himself. But it was difficult to tell, either there was no moon this night, or it had already set. He decided it would be useless to search the shore in the dark, and possibly dangerous as well, considering the rocks. It would be better to build a fire, and wait for the dawn. If the boy were nearby, the fire would draw him. In the morning, he would have a better chance of figuring out where on Spira he had come ashore.
Gathering driftwood, building a fire, kept him occupied for a brief space. Once those tasks were done, the man had nothing to fill the empty hours until the dawn but to sit and watch the flames. He had little need for sleep. He tried to plan his next moves, to discipline his mind to plot out the path of what he needed to do next, but he was too distracted. Disgusted with himself, he removed his coat and spread it on a rock beside the flames to dry as he smoothed a square of sandy ground beside the fire. If he could not calm his mind, he would discipline his body instead. He began working through the first moves of the kata, the martial arts exercises he had practiced nearly every day of his life, and so he passed the night. The boy did not come. He must have washed ashore elsewhere, the man thought.
The sun rose over the ocean, informing him that the cliffs were to the west. He watched the birds wheel overhead, diving for their nests in the cliff face. I know these birds. I have seen them before. There is something special about them, what is it? The man remained still for so long, the gulls ceased noticing him, and flew closer. At last, he was able to see them clearly. The black, hooked beak and black wingtips were distinctive. These rock-nesting gulls only lived in one place, the cliffs below the Mi'ihen Highroad, north of Luca.
Once he realized where he was, the man knew that he had been the victim of one of his old friend's cruel jokes. Damn you, Jecht, the man thought bitterly, after ten years, couldn't you even put me near a decent road I could reach?
He knew the Mi'ihen Highroad was in the hills beyond the sheer rock face, but without climbing gear, and a partner, agonizing thought, banish it! the only possible result would be a fast trip to the Farplane. He considered this for a long moment, and was tempted, but he could not leave with his promises unfulfilled. Since he could not climb, he would have to walk.
He began the long trek south to Luca, where he hoped to hear what had transpired in the ten years he had been absent, and perhaps, find news of the boy. This was not a well-traveled area. Hell, it isn't even a path, just a rocky coastline barely wide enough to pass at high tide in some places. The fiends in this area would surely not prove difficult, and the minor challenge of traveling alone would keep his mind focused on the journey in front of him.
It took him a little over a week of rough hiking to reach Luca, less than half the time it would have taken a normal man. Being unsent, he had less need for food or sleep than the living, but he drove himself almost past his limits on this journey, using exhaustion and deprivation to keep some inner demon at bay.
He arrived the day before the Blitzball tournament celebrating Maester Mika's fifty years as Maester. This, he had learned in the first café he found after he hit town. I wish I were surprised that Mika is still around. At least my timing is good. There will be a team coming in from Besaid in the morning. If Braska's daughter has turned summoner, she will probably be on the ship as well. If not, I will get some news of her. The tournament will also draw the boy, he thought to himself. I need only wait. Wait, and think of the task ahead.
As he left the café, the patrons at the tables began whispering to one another, "Did you see who just left? Wasn't that Sir Auron? I thought he was dead. Where's he been the last ten years? Are you sure that was him?"
Auron rented a room at a small inn in an out-of-the-way neighborhood, a place he remembered from his journey with Jecht and Braska. He paid extra for the innkeeper's silence, as he had no desire to be disturbed. He had caught some rather curious glances from passers by in the Luca crowds. I am here to fulfill my promises to my friends, and then to rest. Nothing more.
In the morning, Auron sat in a back corner of the small common room of the Inn, and watched the pre-game show on the sphere, hidden from the other patrons both by the shadows and his high collar and dark glasses. The blitz announcers were dismissive of the Besaid team and its chances in the tournament, but he was unable to keep the relief from his face when the boy, Tidus, appeared on the sphere with his recently adopted teammates. Tidus was the only link with…NO…do not think of it. Auron turned his face away from the sphere, his expression behind his glasses clouded and dark.
His attention turned back to the sphere when he heard the beginning of an interview with "Summoner Yuna" from the island of Besaid. So she has followed in Braska's footsteps, and isn't that a Ronso standing behind her? Has Kimahri stayed with her all this time? I chose better than I knew, he mused.
Auron timed his arrival in the stadium to coincide with the end of the Aurochs' first game in the tournament, since it was not certain that the Aurochs would be playing a second game. He had chosen not to watch the first game. In Zanarkand, he had seen the boy play enough Blitzball to last several lifetimes. And yet, he stood in the stands and watched as Tidus led the Aurochs during the first three fourths of the Championship game. In the past five years, he had learned to take a father's pride in the boy's accomplishments. Alone, he allowed himself to savor the bittersweet emotion, because he knew that when they saw each other after the game, Tidus was going to be angry as hell with him for a very long time.
Two completely impossible events occurred almost simultaneously. The hapless, usually hopeless, Besaid Aurochs won the Championship. And the Luca Stadium was completely infested with fiends. In later years, Blitz aficionados would be hard pressed to say which event had seemed more fantastic at the time. In the present, the fans' cheering had turned to hysteric screaming, and the crowds began fleeing in panic. Auron found himself face to face with a vouivre, and met it with a sardonic smile, just before he sliced it in two.
He hefted his katana to his shoulder and let a small, tight smile twist his lips behind his collar as he pivoted to face the owners of the two voices that had just shouted his name. One, he had recognized even before he turned. Tidus, the boy he had helped to raise; seventeen, bleached-blond hair, blue eyes, and not quite fully-grown, either physically or emotionally. The other was called…Wakka…that was it, the captain of the Besaid Blitz squad. This Wakka had a man's body, but a boy's face under that impossibly styled red hair. He is too innocent, his eyes are too trusting. If he is one of Yuna's guardians, the journey will change that soon enough.
The frenzy of the crowd fleeing the stadium had nothing to do with the game; the place now seemed to hold more fiends than fans. It is going to be a long afternoon, Auron thought, as a garuda attacked them. The three of them handled the big flyer easily, even though the boys fought one-handed for part of the battle; attempting to cover their noses and mouths, as the monster's stench proved to be almost as potent a weapon as either its beak or its claws. Tidus has learned something about how to use that sword, Auron noted with some amusement, and this Wakka knows how to handle that Blitzball as a weapon to good effect. But Auron considered the number of monsters in the stadium, and wondered how long the three of them could manage. Tidus' heartfelt "Gimme a break!" could have been said by any of them. The young Maester, Seymour Guado, did give them a 'break', calling his aeon, Anima, to dispatch all the fiends at once. Auron was surprised by this aeon; it was one that Braska had not possessed. The aeon was dark, twisted somehow, or maybe the Guado was. Anima's attack was pure pain, it cried as it destroyed the fiends, and its tears were blood.
When the stadium was cleansed of its filth, Auron briefly noted that the Guado Maester seemed quite pleased with his performance, maybe too pleased, before fixing his attention on Tidus. Now that the adrenaline rush of the battle was over, the boy was glaring at him in undisguised fury. Wakka looked from Auron to Tidus in awkward confusion.
"You gonna be okay, brudda?" he asked Tidus. "I gotta take care of the team and be ready to go with Yuna pretty quick."
"Yeah, sure, fine, whatever," Tidus replied dismissively, still staring at Auron, who seemed unmoved by the boy's intensity. "Say goodbye to everyone for me. Okay, Wakka?"
"Sure thing. You take care of yourself, ya?"
"You, too, Wakka. Take care of Yuna."
"Wait," Auron interrupted. "Do you know where we might find Lady Yuna?"
"Sure I do, Sir Auron. I'm one of Yuna's guardians. We're…uhh…supposed to meet at the north stairs in a couple of hours, so Yuna can go on with her pilgrimage."
"Thank you," Auron replied dismissively to Wakka, then he turned to Tidus and said gruffly, "We should go. We have much to discuss." Auron began walking away, out of the stadium. Tidus stood watching Auron's departing back, anger growing by the minute. Auron looked over his shoulder then, one eyebrow raised, and asked coldly, "Are you coming?" the tone of his voice sounding as though he were talking to a child. Tidus exchanged a glance with Wakka, and then followed Auron. Angry as he was with the man, he had to follow him. Auron was the only one who might be able to tell him what the hell was going on.
Auron led Tidus out of the stadium and down to the Luca docks; aware of the boy's heated eyes on his back every step of the way. He stopped them both on one of the cargo docks, surrounded by boxes and crates, struck by a sudden flash of memory.
Braska, Jecht, and I, after a Blitzball game Jecht had asked me to capture on a sphere for this boy, back in Zanarkand, capturing Jecht as well, sniffling back a rush of homesickness. And now, I'm going to tear that same boy's world apart.
Tidus was furious with Auron. Nothing the older man said made any sense. Auron believed it was better that way. Tidus thought everything must be my fault, that I dragged him to Spira. He didn't want to believe that Jecht and I knew Braska as well, that we 'defeated' Sin together ten years ago. That if it was anyone's 'fault' that I went to Zanarkand, that he was in Spira, now, it was Jecht's. He refused to accept that Jecht was Sin. I couldn't blame him. My unwillingness to accept that fact had killed me ten years ago.
If the boy was off-balance, it kept him focused away from questions Auron did not want to answer. Or rather, questions he wanted to answer even less than the ones the boy was asking, which were bad enough. Keeping the boy from asking questions that I will refuse to answer, or even listen to, will be a challenge. It will be a far simpler task if Tidus continues to be angry with me. But Auron was unable to maintain his indifference in the face of the boy's obvious distress. The habits of the last few years were suddenly too strong to overcome, and he placed a comforting hand on the boy's shaking shoulder for a brief moment, saying, "It's all right."
But Auron quickly retreated behind his impassive mask, and informed the boy that he was going to offer his services to Yuna, clearly implying that Tidus was welcome to come along, if he chose. Auron walked away from Tidus, away from the docks, toward the north stairs and the exit from Luca that led to the Mi'ihen Highroad. Tidus followed him reluctantly through the crowded streets.
As he neared the party waiting on the platform, Auron studied the members of Yuna's party, attempting to judge their fitness as guardians. Wakka he had already met. He locked eyes with the Ronso, and they each inclined their heads slightly. Kimahri, you son of a…What the hell are you doing here? The rest don't really matter. Kimahri and I alone can get Yuna to Zanarkand. He saw the woman next, and knew immediately that she was a black mage, and a young one, at that. What is it with these black mages? Why do the young ones always have to show off? That stupid dress is too heavy for the south, too exposed for Macalania and Gagazet, and those clacking belts will announce our presence to every fiend within a hundred yards. So, she has to use personal spells to keep cool, to keep warm, to keep silent, just to show how powerful she is. Ridiculous.
At last, behind the mage, Braska's daughter, Yuna. He had last seen her in person as a little girl, clinging to her father, begging him not to leave. Now, she was a grown woman, a summoner on her own pilgrimage. When he saw her on the sphere, Auron thought she looked just like her mother, Jenni, but seeing her now, he saw Braska's gentleness, and Braska's determination, in her blue and green eyes. She was his lord's daughter, and he had sworn to Braska that he would guard her. So Auron offered his services, as guardian, to Yuna. Strictly speaking, he offered both his, and the boy's. She accepted.
The early trials of the road kept him looking ahead, not behind. He convinced himself it was better this way, or, at least, he tried. Tidus attempted to draw him out about Zanarkand on several occasions, but the older man easily fended him off, bluntly at first, later in anger, finally with icy coldness. Eventually, the boy gave up, as his interest in Yuna continued to grow. Tidus and the summoner spent more time together as the pilgrimage progressed. Unless a way was found to change her fate, the relationship was doomed. The boy was the only one who didn't know. It was painful for everyone to watch. But especially so for Auron. Too many echoes, too many memories. At the Travel Agency on the Mi'ihen Highroad, watching the two of them looking at the sunset, Auron wanted…too many things that were not meant to be. He went back inside.
Tidus wanted to wait for nightfall by the Moonflow, to watch the pyreflies gather. Auron thought, He does not know that the sight of the moonlilies at twilight is considered to be one of the seven wonders of Spira. I refuse to linger here for this… Aloud, Auron only commented from behind his collar, "We're not waiting 'til nightfall," implying that he considered the delay a waste of time.
It took the party almost six weeks to reach Guadosalam, and, by the time they arrived, they had added one more to their group, the Al Bhed girl called Rikku, Yuna's cousin, and the most unlikely guardian of all. This must be the largest summoner's party ever recorded, Auron realized. He suspected the temples would not be exactly be thrilled at the prospect. Too many survivors, he thought to himself, somewhat grimly.
Seymour Guado was a bastard, whatever his parents' marital status. There was something inside him that was just…twisted, for lack of a better word. Seymour hadn't merely asked Yuna to marry him. He had also tried to sow dissension. He upset Yuna with his so-called offer. Attempted to split the party as to whether it would be better for Spira for her to accept or not. Hinted about Auron's status. And how had the bastard picked that phrase "the actors must play their parts"? It brought back too any memories. And Tidus was in such pain. He had so clearly fallen in love with Yuna. Auron didn't want to let it bother him, but he felt for the boy's anguish. All of it raised too many ghosts that he had wanted to keep buried until this journey was over.
The Farplane, the one place in Spira Auron did not want to, and could not, go. Yet, Yuna wished to visit, to consult with her father about Seymour's proposal. He would wait outside, since he could not go in himself. He should not allow himself to be tempted and ask the boy to look. There was nothing that could be done. He sat on the stairs, struggling with himself, not to say or do anything to indicate the debate raging within. The boy was still talking. Damn, he could talk forever. So could the Al Bhed. Would he never shut up and just go! Finally. But, just as the boy's arm swung past him, Auron's hand shot out and gripped it. Tidus stopped walking and looked down, as the older man released his arm. Auron whispered, his voice so hoarse the boy could barely hear him, "See if she's there."
"No problem," was the equally quiet reply, and Tidus moved on into the Farplane. There was no need for either of them to identify who 'she' was. As the boy went through the barrier, Auron realized that he was, after all, still a fool, and that 'she' would have told him so, saying that meant he was 'only human'. Rikku couldn't see the sad smile he hid behind his collar.
Tidus found the Farplane a place of revelations. Wakka finally admitted his brother Chappu might be truly dead. Maybe. Lulu realized that not only was Chappu dead, but that she was still alive, and that it might be time for her to move on with her life. Tidus saw Yuna with her parents. His attempt to call his old man failed, since Jecht was not precisely dead, but he couldn't think about his dad without thinking about his mom, who did appear. When Yuna explained how his mother could be in the Farplane, he understood Auron's request a little better. If his mom was here, then 'she' could be, too. After he talked to Yuna about his mom's death, he tried calling 'her' for Auron, like he promised, but 'she' didn't come. Yuna was a little puzzled at his delay, but he didn't have a chance to explain before Lulu and Wakka asked if Yuna was ready to leave. Besides, it isn't my business to explain, anyway, it's Auron's.
Tidus didn't understand why this Lord Jyscal was such a 'great man', but then, he didn't exactly get the whole Yevon thing, either. He thought the Guado had probably been perfectly happy before Jyscal brought them the teachings, and it sure seemed like Rikku's people were just as happy without the teachings. Whatever. But when they were all leaving, it sure upset everyone when this Jyscal Guado guy tried to get out of the Farplane after he'd already been sent in. Dead people just weren't supposed to do that. The whole scene gave Tidus the shivers every time he thought about it.
Afterwards, Tidus didn't have a chance to tell Auron anything. He wasn't sure he wanted to, either. The young man wasn't certain, but he didn't think this was going to be the 'good' news. By the time the group learned that Seymour had left Guadosalam, it was too late to make any sense to head out, so they got rooms at the inn again. The three women occupied a suite together, leaving the men in four small single rooms. Tidus waited until traffic in the halls had quieted down before seeking the older guardian's room.
Tidus knocked on Auron's door, and heard the man say, "Enter", so he stepped inside. It was clear from the minute he saw Auron that the man had taken the opportunity of the relative safety and privacy of the inn room to let his guard down, at least for one night. Tidus saw Auron as he had not seen him since Zanarkand, a couple of nights before the last Blitz game. Sitting on the bed, knee up to his chest, clad in just pants and a t-shirt, no armor, coat, collar, glove or glasses. The lamplight caught the heavy gold ring now on Auron's right hand. The older man had apparently been keeping it concealed within the bracer glove since they had arrived in Spira, so Tidus had been wondering if Auron still wore it. Now the boy knew.
Without his armor, Auron seemed more open, more, well, relaxed. He seemed like the man Tidus had known the last five years in Zanarkand, not the stranger from the first five years, or the last six weeks.
Auron raised one eyebrow. "Auron," Tidus coughed, cleared his throat, started again. "Auron, I called her on the Farplane like you asked. She wasn't there."
The older man's face contorted in a mask of pain. His good eye closed. "Get out," he said roughly.
"But, Auron," Tidus trailed off miserably.
"Get out." There was anger now, a lot of anger, but his eye was still closed. Tidus fled the room, slamming the door behind him in his haste. At the sound of the boy's retreating footsteps, the man reached blindly for the jug of liquor. He brought it to his lips for a long pull of the fiery drink.
Auron had hoped the drink would bring oblivion. He should have known better. Being unsent had advantages and disadvantages. Among the advantages were increased endurance and stamina. He could do without food and sleep if necessary. He had just found one of the disadvantages. He could drink, and it seemed that it did lower his inhibitions, but as the level of spirits in the jug steadily fell he became aware that he could no longer get so drunk that he would pass out. He definitely could not get drunk enough to forget. By reducing his inhibitions, the liquor made him do something he had been desperately trying not to do since he left Zanarkand nearly two months ago. It made him remember…
End Chapter One
Author's Note: All chapter titles are song titles, and the lyrics or mood of the song relate directly to the chapter. The title of this chapter is from the song "Missing You", originally performed by John Waite, and specifically refers to the lyrics, "You don't know, how desperate I've become, and it looks like I'm losing this fight," as well as the chorus, "I ain't missing you, I keep lying to myself. And there's a storm that's raging, through my frozen heart tonight, I ain't missing you at all."