Alex wonders how much dying will hurt. It isn't the first time she has been caught with her back against a wall, staring down a gun. She should be used to this by now, she thinks, and it almost makes her laugh. Almost.
Across from her, Aydin grinds the toothpick between his teeth, holding the gun loosely, almost carelessly. Because he is used to this kind of thing. Alex has nothing but a broom, and she knows he's already noticed how tightly her hands are clenched around the rough wooden shaft.
For a second she worries that the broom will give her splinters, but then she remembers that it won't matter.
"Aydin-" Alex starts, but she doesn't know what she wants to say. How can you still be working for Kubra after everything he's done? Fuck you for killing Fahri? She knows it's too late for any of that now. She wishes he would just pull the trigger already.
"You know, Vause, it's a real shame," Aydin says abruptly. He shifts the toothpick around in his mouth, leering at her. "I never pegged you for a snitch. But I guess it just goes to show what prison can do to a person."
"Aydin, listen, it wasn't like that," Alex says. Her voice is hoarse and she can feel her legs shaking. Outside, someone is screaming. Alex wishes she could scream too, but she knows if she does, she will forfeit any chance at survival.
Aydin is laughing at her now, saying something, but Alex isn't listening. She's thinking of all the other times she's seen guns pointed at people, visualizing how fast the bullet will travel towards her when Aydin squeezes the trigger. He's standing so close, she won't be able to avoid getting hurt, but if she is very lucky, he will miss her heart.
Aydin is still talking, and Alex doesn't wait for him to finish. She lunges forward, letting the broom clatter to the floor and twisting sideways to shield her chest and stomach. Everything feels slowed down, almost peaceful. Alex hears the gun fire, but she has already reached into her waistband and pulled out the shard of glass she's been keeping there ever since she fought Lolly in the bathroom, ever since she realized that she no longer had any idea who was here to kill her.
Pain blossoms across Alex's shoulder, drenching her in agonizing warmth, but she is already on top of Aydin, the cold metal of the gun pressing into her belly. She slashes her shard of glass across Aydin's bare fingers, and he cries out, reflexively letting go of the trigger. Alex is blinded by pain, the greenhouse blurry in front of her eyes, but she knocks the gun onto the floor, sending it skittering out of Aydin's reach.
He is struggling beneath her and she knows it won't be long before the bullet in her shoulder makes her black out. Aydin is bigger and stronger than she is, but Alex has maintained her grip on the shard of glass, and she swings it now, stabbing it deep into the flesh of his throat over and over until her hands are hot and red and sticky and someone is screaming but she can't tell if it's him or her. Then suddenly, there is silence and stillness and she knows it is over.
Alex lets herself lie across Aydin's body for a moment before she gets up. Her shoulder hurts worse than anything she has ever felt before. She feels weighted down by it, as though the bullet inside of her has turned her whole body to lead. All around her, there is blood, and for one brief, horrible moment, Alex is proud. She did this. She is powerful.
She drags herself out of the greenhouse and hates herself for feeling this. She imagines what Piper's face would look like if Alex told her how good it had felt, how she hadn't even hesitated before she drove that shard of glass into Aydin's throat. How she doesn't even know how many stabs it had taken, only that she stabbed more times than she needed to.
Piper would tell her something stupid, like that it had been self-defense, her only choice, and she had done what anyone would have. Piper always says things like that, but you can tell that even she doesn't believe them, and it is the thought of Piper trying to hide her shock and horror that makes Alex keep going, stumbling out of the yard and around the main prison building. Part of her wants to show Piper that she is not weak after all, that she can defend herself. Another part of her just wants to bury her face in Piper's shoulder and forget.
Alex is in front of the chapel now, and she thinks wryly how wrong it is to be so angry here- angry at herself, at Aydin, at Piper. You aren't supposed to feel that kind of hatred in a church, she thinks as she slumps over the threshold. She doesn't remember deciding to sit down, but there she is on the ground and she doesn't think she could get back up again if she tried.
Alex has never been religious, but she feels safer now, somehow, lying here halfway through the door of the chapel. She settles her head on the dirty wooden floorboards, her eyes beginning to flutter closed. Someone else is sitting on the floor in there, she thinks, though it is too dim and her head is too foggy to see who it is or wonder if they notice her too.
But then- "Alex?"
She knows that voice, and she can't remember if she is supposed to love it or hate it, All Alex knows as she feels the gentle pressure of familiar hands on her skin and soft blond hair falling over her face, is that this is the voice she needs. She will be all right now.