AN: Hello faithful readers! I know it's been awhile since I've posted anything! And don't worry; I have lots of little Puckleberry plot bunnies running around in my brain! But I just had to write this. See, Dave Karofsky has intrigued me since Mash-Up, but "The Kiss" incident in NBK really intrigued me even more. So, I decided to run with it. This is more a character study than anything really slash-y, b/c frankly I don't really write that kind of stuff. So, yeah, this has spoilers for NBK but not really The Substitute b/c I wrote it before that aired. Anyway, I hope you enjoy! Please read and review! :o)
Come to Your Senses
Dave Karofsky was a bully. He always had been, and if he had it his way, he always would be. He thrived on putting other people down. He enjoyed flaunting his big muscles to anyone with a smaller stature. He hated anyone who was not like him. He was known around McKinley as someone you shouldn't mess with. People feared him. People knew his name. At least he wasn't a nobody. When he was a bully, he was somebody.
Or rather, that's what he told himself.
That's what he tried to tell his younger cousin the summer before freshman year. Dave had just gotten a growth spurt and had made the hockey team for McKinley High. He had also just gotten back from hockey camp, where suddenly showering and being in close proximity with a bunch of guys was becoming harder and harder. He had always been a little curious, but now the urges were stronger, and he didn't know how to stop it. He was supposed to like girls, but suddenly everything was so confusing. And being on a team where you were constantly body checked by a bigger guy than you or slapped on the butt for a job well done made it even worse. He didn't know what was wrong with him or if anything was really wrong with him at all. He just didn't understand.
So, yeah, when Dave was visiting his grandparents for the day and Brian asked him how his "gay, little summer camp" went, Dave snapped. He punched Brian in the jaw so hard, he could see the bruise form immediately.
"Dude! What is your problem?" Brian yelled.
"You don't know me!" Dave shouted. "There's nothing gay about hockey!"
Brian looked at him like he'd lost his marbles. "I know that, Dave," he said slowly, as if spelling it out to a small child. "It was a joke, you douchebag. Geez," he winced, opening his jaw. "You don't have to be such a bully."
Dave swallowed hard and glared at Brian even harder. "Yes I do," he mumbled before running off toward the house. "I have to be somebody."
A few minutes later, Dave's grandma came in and sat on the bed next him.
"You okay, Davey?" she asked easily.
"I don't know, Gram," he shrugged. "Brian just made me mad."
"You know, you've been pretty angry lately. Anything you want to talk about?" Gram queried.
"No," Dave said brusquely.
Gram swung her legs onto the bed and leaned against the headboard like Dave was sitting. "You know," she began, "these are the years where you'll question everything. You'll wonder who you are, what kind of person you're becoming, what kind of person you even want to be. It can be scary. It can be challenging," she said sagely. "But, you have to remember, Davey, you can only be honest with yourself. Once you do that, once you truly come to your senses about who you are, the happier you'll be."
And with that, she left Dave alone. Dave stared after her and wondered what just happened. How was it possible that she knew exactly what he was feeling and thinking? How did she know that underneath the stony bravado, there was just a confused boy wanting to be happy with himself? Did he even know who he was? It wasn't even about his sexuality anymore. He just didn't know who he was at all.
He brushed his grandma's wisdom off and felt another piece of his heart harden just a little more. Dave Karofsky knew what he was. He was somebody. If he had to be a bully, then so be it. He'd be somebody somehow.
Kurt Hummel made Dave's life a living hell. Well, Kurt didn't actually do anything to him. It was his mere existence that made it awful. Kurt was confident. He was secure in who he was, and that irritated Dave to no end. It was a constant reminder of the self-assurance that Dave never felt.
What made it worse was this growing attraction that he had for the smaller boy. Dave had gone from curiously confused about his sexuality to downright scared of it. So Dave made it his mission to make Kurt just as miserable as he was. He slushied; he shoved; he called out horrible names. He tried to break Kurt Hummel. But Kurt Hummel was not one to be broken.
Then, one day, Kurt pushed back. Dave knew the second Kurt followed him into that locker room that a line would be crossed. He wasn't sure if he'd end up punching the kid or kissing him—both desires held on so strongly every time Dave came into a close proximity to him.
In the end, his body took control and made the decision for him. And when Dave grabbed Kurt and pressed his lips roughly against Kurt's, it was like his senses were being filled for the first time. And for those few seconds, Dave tried to commit those senses to his memory.
He could taste Kurt's lip balm. It wasn't the cheap Chapstick brand either. No, this was the good stuff. It was probably Burt's Bees or something because Dave got this tingling sensation on his own lips. It tasted like mangoes. It tasted like Heaven.
He could smell fabric softener. Kurt must've just washed the jacket he was wearing because the Downy fresh scent was still strong. Dave inhaled deeply as he instinctively pulled Kurt closer. It smelled like home.
He could hear Kurt gasp as their lips touched. He was pretty sure it shocked the hell out of Kurt as much as it did him, but he couldn't help but continue kissing him. When Kurt whimpered, Dave wanted it to be out of pleasure rather than out of shock and fear. He knew he was probably wrong, but he couldn't help but think that way. Any sound gave him hope.
He could feel the soft skin of Kurt's cherubim cheeks. Kurt probably used a fancy face moisturizer to keep from getting wrinkles, like that Oil of Olay crap (Shut up. He has a mom who uses the stuff. And he may or may not have used her lotion once or twice…but only after a particularly bad acne breakout). No matter what it was, it felt smooth behind his rough, calloused fingers. The contrast was nice. It felt right.
He could see the look of horror on Kurt's face as he pushed Dave away. Kurt's eyes were wide with shock as he stared at Dave. He saw this raw expression written all over Kurt's face, and it made him feel sick with himself. It looked like fear.
What had he done?
What was he going to do?
He did the one thing he could do really well. He ran. He ran away from the locker room, away from Kurt, away his feelings, away from everything. Dave tried to push the incident from his mind. He continued his bullying. He continued being the gruff jock everyone couldn't stand. He couldn't very well change now and make people think something was going on. No, he wasn't going to change who he was just because of some stupid kiss.
The problem was that everything had changed. Everything about himself that he thought he knew, everything he didn't want to admit, everything he tried to hide—it was all different now.
He could taste the blood in his mouth when he bit his tongue after calling Kurt a homo. He could taste the bile rising in his throat when Azimio would call Kurt and the rest of the Glee Club horrible, unmentionable names. He tasted defeat every time he had the opportunity to stop the verbal abuse and didn't.
He could smell the stench of the garbage when Kurt would get thrown into the dumpsters. While he no longer did it, that didn't stop other jocks from taking over the duty. And when Azimio called him out for "going soft on the Glee Club dorks," he could smell corn syrup of the slushies they tossed on Kurt, Rachel, Sam and anyone else who crossed their paths. He smelled fear every time he walked down the halls of McKinley High, and it's funny how it didn't give him the high it used to.
He could hear Azimio's laughter as he mocked Kurt or doused him with another slushie. He could hear Tina and Mercedes yelling at his back, "Bully!" or "Neanderthal!" He could hear his heart pounding in his ears whenever he got within a five-foot radius of Kurt, and he didn't know what to make of it. He heard the phrases ignoramus, extraordinarily ordinary, scared little boy, and not my type every time he thought about the locker room, and he knew in his heart that Kurt was right.
He could feel every muscle in Kurt's body tense up when he slammed him into a locker. He could feel the slaps on the back from Azimio and his other jock buddies when he'd come up with a particularly scathing comment. He felt the knot growing in his stomach every time he thought about owning up to who he really was, and then he would just talk himself out of it. Sadly, that only caused the knot to grow, not diminish.
He could see Kurt flinch every time he came near. He could see the look of disappointment on Kurt's face after he pushed him yet again into the lockers. He could see disgust in the eyes of the one person who tried to help and could probably understand him. He saw a liar every time he looked in the mirror.
And all Dave could ever think about was how Gram was so horribly wrong.
He had come to his senses, and he wasn't happier in the least.
In fact, he hurt far worse than he did before.
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